Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 15 Jul 2017, 10:38 pm

grandadbushy wrote:An american, scotsman,and an australian were in a pub debating who was best in making love to their wife
The american said that he whispered sweet nothings in his wifes ear and she lifted 5 inches off the bed
The scotsman said that he rubbed and massarged his wife with body oil and she lifted 10 inches off the bed
The aussie said thats buggar all i come home tell the misses to get in the bedroom and when we're finished
i wipe myself with her undies and she hits the roof

Cheers


:lol: :lol: :lol:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by grandadbushy » 15 Jul 2017, 11:35 pm

Paddy walking down the road one day with a bandage on each ear his mate pulls up and asks ,Paddy what ya done to ya ear ?

Paddy answers ,I was home there ironing the cloths and the phone rang
His mate,And what ya do to the other one?
AAH i turned around and rang the bloody ambulance

Cheers
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Re: Jokes

Post by grandadbushy » 15 Jul 2017, 11:45 pm

Old jack a 98 year old bushy never been to a doctor in his life goes in to see one because he is having trouble going to the toilet
The doc gives him a weeks worth of suppositories, he tells jack 1 in the morning and 1 at night
Away jack goes and a week later he returns to the docand doc asks,how did you go jack?
Jack replies no bloody good doc for all the good those tablets done me i may as well have stuck them in my butt

Cheers
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 15 Jul 2017, 11:47 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
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Re: Jokes

Post by grandadbushy » 15 Jul 2017, 11:54 pm

Paddy always getting into fights in his local pub walks in with 2 hand grenades zip tied to the side of his head the publican looks then asks
Paddy why have you got those grenades tied to your head?,paddy pauses for awhile then said if that dan o'riley hits me in the head again i'l
blow his bloody hands off

Cheers

I think i've got too much time on my hands so bored
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Re: Jokes

Post by grandadbushy » 16 Jul 2017, 12:10 am

A drunk asks the publican where the toilet was the publican knowing the man was drunk spoke very slow, Go down this hall first turn to the right
then down the stairs swing left at the bottom and its the first door on the right
The drunk staggers off down the hall down the steps then forgot where he was so he stumbled around in the dark till he found a door opened it went in
felt around found a seat and done his business he then went to stand but as he did something grabbed him by his family jewels and yanked him back
into the seat,this worried him so he flew up off the seat and again he was grabbed and yanked back into the seat by his privates
By this time he was pannicking and yelled for help soon the publican opened the door and switched the light on ,he was sitting on a mop bucket with his

Cheers
foot on the pedal
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 16 Jul 2017, 12:19 am

That's a pissa... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 16 Jul 2017, 8:44 am

As previously stated by Granddad, old Jack was a 98 yo bushie,,, and he felt that the time had come to shift in to town for his latter years.

That being accomplished he found that now he had not much to do, and needed something to occupy his time.
So,,,, he thought maybe he would get a part time job.
The problem then arose, that because he had next to no schooling and couldn't read, no one would employ him.

He goes to the local pub to have a few beers, and was telling the publican about his predicament.
The publican said to Jack, "Tell you what,,,,, can you cook ?"

Jack replies Yeah, I can cook.

The publican says, "Well I'll give you a job,,,,, you can cook the breakfasts for the patrons."

So old Jack rocks up in the morning, and the breakfast orders started coming in, and Jack starts cooking.

A while later the publican calls in and asks Jack how things are going.

Jack replies,,,,, No worries to start with,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Fried eggs on toast,,,,,,,
Poached eggs on toast,,,,,,,,,,
Scrambled eggs,,,,,,,,,,, but then the problem started.

The publican asks "What problem is that Jack"

Jack replies,,,, Well,,,, I got asked for Sausages and eggs,,,, and I aint never seen nor heard of sausages in all my years.
I asked the kitchen maid to show me where they were and she showed me.

The publican said, "So what was the problem ?"

Old Jack replied,,,,,,,,,, Well,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, By the time I skinned and gutted them,, there weren't nothing left.
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 16 Jul 2017, 9:51 pm

Guy phones the Outback Hotline

Bloke: Hey, mate - you gotta help, the Girlfriend and I are out bush and she squatted for a pee and a spider bit her her on the lady-parts and they've swollen closed. What must I do.
Hotline Bloke: Swollen closed, eh. Well, bummer, mate.
Bloke: Why didn't I think of that? - hangs up
--
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day that you realise how often they burst into flames.
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Re: Jokes

Post by grandadbushy » 17 Jul 2017, 9:57 pm

A property owner was waiting for his farm hand to arrive for work as he was 1 hr late and this was not normal for him because he was from the bush
and knew how important it was to keep an eye on the sheep
Now the farm hand wasn't the sharpest knife in the draw but was usually reliable

The boss started to think he may have stopped on the top of the range to watch the hang gliding championships as he knew his worker had never seen
a hang glider in operation

But just as he thought all was lost his worker turned up
BOSS; where you bloody been ?
Worker; boss you won't believe this but when i was coming up the range there was 5 big eagles hovering very high over the lambing paddock so
i took a couple of shots at one
Boss; did you get him?
Worker; no but he dropped what he was carrying

Cheers
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 19 Jul 2017, 9:21 am

Whats bright red and smells just like blue paint?










Red paint
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Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 19 Jul 2017, 11:22 am

For all you DR Who fans.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 19 Jul 2017, 12:25 pm

What is a chicken?











An egg's way of making other eggs.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 19 Jul 2017, 12:37 pm

My favourite cartoon of all time, which for reasons of site etiquette, can't be posted here

http://bytesdaily.blogspot.com.au/2010/ ... a.html?m=1
fideles usque ad mortem
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 19 Jul 2017, 12:43 pm

Member-Deleted wrote:For all you DR Who fans.


Love that. Sent it to my daughter and grand sons. All fans of Dr Who. :violin:
Hunt safe, look after the bush & plug more pests. :thumbsup: Better to load on the mild side. :o The greatest invention in the history of man is beer. :drinks:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 19 Jul 2017, 8:42 pm

The Deputy PM was attending a Coalition fundraiser in Longreach when an old farmer came up to him and said "You look familiar, are you a member of the Coalition?"
"Yes I am" replied the Deputy PM, "I'm the Country Member."
The old farmer looked at him for a moment then said, "Ohhh yes, I remember."
fideles usque ad mortem
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 19 Jul 2017, 8:55 pm

A team of young christians were on a hike through the Kokoda trail.
Suddenly the weather turned really bad and they were at risk with rising flood waters.
The team leader tried desperately to organise help by radio, but the reception was dodgy at best due to the inclement weather.

He kept saying, "Please send a Punt, and a Canoe, so we can get out safely."

They waited for over an hour before they finally got a response.

The reply they got was,,,,,,,,,, " John Howard is on his way,,,,, but what is a Panoe ???"
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 19 Jul 2017, 9:12 pm

A new stock and station agent moved into the area of a recently retired and much admired predecessor and was visiting local farms to introduce himself.
On one particular visit he was getting short shrift from a crotchety old cockey, in desperation he decided to try a bit of humor to break the ice.
At that moment, one of the cocky's working dogs wandered up, sat down and started licking his prominent testicles.
The desperate agent laughed and said, "Hah, I wish I could do that, eh?"
The old cockey looked him up and down and said "You can if you want, but I'd pat him first."
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