Joke Thread :lol:

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Ziad » 13 Aug 2019, 6:37 pm

So two cowboys got lost in the desert, hungry and thirsty they we're nearly done... until one saw a tree covered in bacon.

"Look, that's a bacon tree, we are saved" he said and started running towards it. Just as he reaches the tree he got shot down in a hail of bullets.

With his last dying breath he yelled to the other cowboy, "it's not a bacon tree, it's a ham bush"
Blame it on the phone auto correct
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Chappo » 13 Aug 2019, 7:14 pm

Here’s a wholesome game to play along with your family and friends....
(Not really a joke but I was told this one today and it’s kinda fun)

Think of a movie title and replace the last word with the word cvnt.
I’ll start....
Mad cvnt, mad cvnt 2, etc.
My big fat Greek cvnt
Beverly Hills cvnt
A fist full of cvnts (classic Eastwood)

And don’t forget the kids movies....
Snow White and the seven cvnts
The lion cvnt
Little red riding cvnt.........
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 15 Aug 2019, 7:16 pm

The Affairs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One summer day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'



The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'



The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'



The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'



The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'



The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work'
Hunt safe, look after the bush & plug more pests. :thumbsup: Better to load on the mild side. :o The greatest invention in the history of man is beer. :drinks: "Often the written message doesn't convey all of the information"
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 15 Aug 2019, 10:24 pm

rooster.jpg
rooster.jpg (107.51 KiB) Viewed 106 times
Hunt safe, look after the bush & plug more pests. :thumbsup: Better to load on the mild side. :o The greatest invention in the history of man is beer. :drinks: "Often the written message doesn't convey all of the information"
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Stix » 15 Aug 2019, 11:13 pm

I dont want to derail a good joke telling thread....but i have to share this...

The following is not a joke...but is the link to a vid i got sent a long long long time ago...& i have to say, for me its one of the funniest short clips ive ever seen...

I just laugh so hard at it, i have to watch it a few times over...& ive got tears now from watching it again...
"You're gonna have to quit doing that..."... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I hope you all get a good kackle out of it too...

https://youtu.be/Z154yhLoS78
The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by TassieTiger » 16 Aug 2019, 1:51 pm

This - if real, is hilarious...
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uV-I0S28ogc
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by ramshackle » 17 Aug 2019, 7:07 am

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by ramshackle » 17 Aug 2019, 7:10 am

I love this American stuff. I come from the US, BTW

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by ramshackle » 17 Aug 2019, 7:24 am

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Are you triggered :D
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by TassieTiger » 17 Aug 2019, 11:20 am

ramshackle wrote:I love this American stuff. I come from the US, BTW [/img]


You can tell lol
Tikka .260 (custom)
Steyr Pro Varmint .223
CZ455 .22 & Norinco .22
ATA 686 U/O 12g & Baikal S/S 12g.
Adler a110 28’
Sauer 30-06
Howa 300 win mag.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by ramshackle » 17 Aug 2019, 4:03 pm

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