Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post by Tiger650 » 11 Dec 2020, 10:45 am

Bloke working in an "Adult" shop when a rough looking Shiela walks in and asks to see the dildo selection.
Bloke points to the wall behind her and she wanders off.
she wanders back a couple of minutes later and points to the display and says "I want the red one".
Bloke tells her she cannot have it, not for sale, Rough Shiela gets cranky and insists that he sell it to her.
Bloke looks her in the eye and says "Shire will shut us down if we don't have a fire extinguisher on the premises".
Last edited by Tiger650 on 11 Dec 2020, 11:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 11 Dec 2020, 10:46 am

Oldbloke wrote:A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.
The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"


A CIA boss was on holiday, and travelling the country side.
He stopped in a quaint little country town for a meal,, and while looking for a suitable shop he couldn't help but notice there were targets drawn on street signs, shop walls, shop windows, and cars.
And, every single one of them had a bullet hole smack bang in the center.

He sees a man walking towards him, and asked,,,,,, "Who is responsible for all this shooting of targets ?"

The man replies,,, Ah yes,,, that would be Jasper the village idiot.

So,,,,,, thinking he'd stumbled on a perfect and natural candidate for a CIA assasin he arranges to meet up with Jasper.

The CIA boss wastes no time, and asks Jasper,,, How did you manage to become such a good shot,, because every target you have hit is a perfect shot ?

Ahhhhh yes,,,,,,, replied Jasper, That's easy,,,, I just do a whole heap of shooting, then I go find the bullet holes, and draw the targets.
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Tiger650 » 11 Dec 2020, 11:05 am

Sort of a joke but more of a putdown for an unpleasant person.

I was ready to retire so short of f#c&s to give.

Shiela got transferred from HQ to our Melb office and proceeded to make life hard for the ladies in the office, they were an excellent crew but she was an arrogant bitch and protected species for some reason.

She never missed an opportunity to ingratiate herself with management, totally different attitude than the way she treated the Ladies.

One morning she rolled into work and began to make the point to three senior managers [Vic / Tas Mgr and two Dept heads] that even though she had the 'flu she had come to work etc.

I wandered over, held up two fingers and said "Chaff bag soaked in Dettol over the head would serve two purposes".

Had she wanted to register an official complaint it would have had to go to the Vic / Tas Mgr, he was laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes.

The look of pure hatred on her face made me laugh just as hard.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Ziege » 11 Dec 2020, 12:48 pm

I have encountered quite a few of these women, I had to stop working jobs in office environments because I refuse not to call them out on their c**khead attitudes. Always leads to drama whether someone says something or not, I just figure all the people in their lives must be pushovers or complete cucks so they are used to getting away with treating everyone like s**t... Many a smart ass remark like the above has left my lips with 0 Fks given.

well done champ.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 30 Dec 2020, 10:29 pm

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,'OK old fart, Time for you to retire.'

The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle

ALL of these chickens.

Look what it has done to me

Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'



The young rooster says,

'Beat it: You are washed up

And I am taking over.'

The old rooster says,

'I tell you what, young stud.

I will race you around the farmhouse.. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'



The young rooster laughs.

'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.

So, just to be fair,

I will give you a head start.'



The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.

They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.





He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch

When he sees the roosters running by.



The Old Rooster is squawking

And running as hard as he can.

The Farmer grabs his shotgun and

- BOOM -

He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,



'Dammit...

Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Good manners are free. Hunt safe, look after the bush & plug more pests. :thumbsup: The greatest invention in the history of man is beer. :drinks: Text alone does not convey the full message. Practice good hygiene.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 02 Jan 2021, 6:24 pm

Little Johnny was at school and the teacher was trying to further explain the Corona Virus.

She asks,, Can any of you give me a sentence that uses the word "contagious" ?

Little Johnny jumps up and says Yes Miss,, The other day my Dad and I were driving through Chinatown, and there was a man wheeling a trolley
full of apples in crates across the road.
My Dad swerved a little bit and hit the back of the trolley.
Apples went flying in all directions.

My Dad just laughed and said,,,,,,,, "That'll take the Contagious to pick all them up."
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 02 Jan 2021, 9:50 pm

004.jpg
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Good manners are free. Hunt safe, look after the bush & plug more pests. :thumbsup: The greatest invention in the history of man is beer. :drinks: Text alone does not convey the full message. Practice good hygiene.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 02 Jan 2021, 10:49 pm

One Monday morning a postman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the postman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild.
We got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'Who Am I.'"
The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
Good manners are free. Hunt safe, look after the bush & plug more pests. :thumbsup: The greatest invention in the history of man is beer. :drinks: Text alone does not convey the full message. Practice good hygiene.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 11 Jan 2021, 10:37 am

One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Well, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to
him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.
Good manners are free. Hunt safe, look after the bush & plug more pests. :thumbsup: The greatest invention in the history of man is beer. :drinks: Text alone does not convey the full message. Practice good hygiene.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 12 Jan 2021, 10:35 pm

Image-1(1).jpg
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Good manners are free. Hunt safe, look after the bush & plug more pests. :thumbsup: The greatest invention in the history of man is beer. :drinks: Text alone does not convey the full message. Practice good hygiene.
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Re: Jokes

Post by cz515 » 13 Jan 2021, 2:46 pm

Oldbloke wrote:One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Well, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to
him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.



Umm was that the joke... almost feels like we missed half of it
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