Jokes

[Title_II]

A Chemical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, and Civil Engineer walk into a bar. After a few drinks they start talking about the existence of God.

The Chemical Engineer says, "God is real, and he is a Chemical Engineer. Look at the human body. Everything that happens is based on chemistry, reaction kinetics, transport and equilibrium processes."

The Electrical Engineer says, "Naw, God is an Electrical Engineer. Everything that makes you, well, YOU, is due to the electrical connections and impulses of your neurons, the most sophisticated computer on the planet."

The Civil Engineer says, "You're both wrong. God is a Civil Engineer."

The other two respond with, "What? That makes no sense. What is your basis for such a claim?"

The Civil Engineer responds, "Only a Civil Engineer would run a waste discharge line through a recreational area."

[Title_II]

A Jewish antique dealer has been having a very slow month. He decides to start swapping out some inventory to hopefully generate interest. He goes to the storage room in the back and notices a peculiar oil lamp. He takes it out front and decides to display it in the window, but realizes it's a little dusty. He starts rubbing it and a Jeenie appears.

The Jeenie says, "Thank you for releasing me from my prison, I was trapped there for millennia. As a reward, I will grant you one wish. Anything your heart desires."

The shopkeeper thinks for a a minute, then says, "Follow me into the back of the store, I want to show you something." They go to the back of the store and the shopkeeper produces a map and opens it on a table. "This is a map of the Middle East. It has been plagued with war and instability for time immemorial. My wish is that you bring lasting peace to this region.

The Jeenie studies the map, and responds, "I am nearly all powerful. But even I cannot bring lasting peace to this part of the world. Surely there is something else your heart desires."

The shopkeeper thinks for a moment. "My wife and I are Jewish, and we are getting old. I will not have many more years on this planet. I have been married to her for 45 years, and not once would she give me a blowjob. Please, let me have one blowjob from my wife."

The Jeenie considers this for a moment. "Let me see that f@#$ing map again..."

[darwindingo]

What's a cockroach?

Nicely done

Yep nicely done, hey it was a long shot

[darwindingo]

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY AN AUSTRALIAN GIRL

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.


The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.


The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.


The third man married a girl from Australia. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.......

[darwindingo]

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

[darwindingo]

GARDEN OF EDEN

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden looking miserable, so God asked, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion.

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and she will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and she will freely give love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

[darwindingo]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your pet duck, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat satback on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[Title_II]

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

LOL

[Die Judicii]

Three women died and went to heaven.
St Peter ushered them in, and explained that everything would be fine,,,, as long as they did NOT step on a duck.

A week later, the 1st woman stepped on a duck.
St Peter took her, and handcuffed her to an ugly old man, and said because she trod on a duck, this was her punishment for eternity.

A week later, the second woman also trod on a duck.
St Peter got her and she too was handcuffed to an ugly old man for eternity as punishment.

The 3rd woman took heed, and was extra careful not to step on a duck.

Several months later, St Peter came and got her, and handcuffed her to a handsome young man.

She exclaimed, "What did I do to get such a lucky break ?"

Dunno about you the young man said,,,,,,,, but I trod on a duck.

[darwindingo]

[darwindingo]

There's this sailor with a pet parrot.

But the parrot swears like an old sea captain.

He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself!

Trouble is, the sailor who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the sailor grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the sailor locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches everything inside.

Finally the sailor lets the it out.

The bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran seaman blush.

The sailor is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds there is a terrible racket from inside.

Then it suddenly gets very quiet.

At first the sailor just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt.

He's opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the sailors outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you, I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The sailor is astounded, he can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

The parrot speaks again, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

[darwindingo]

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him to fish and.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

[darwindingo]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

[Title_II]

The bird calmly climbs onto the sailors outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you, I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The sailor is astounded, he can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

The parrot speaks again, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Hahaha!!!

[Oldbloke]

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY AN AUSTRALIAN GIRL

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.


The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.


The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.


The third man married a girl from Australia. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.......

Best laugh for weeks.

[Oldbloke]

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..'
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'...
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
Look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

[Oldbloke]

Car keys.
They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realised I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realised he was right. The car was nowhere in the parking lot. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice."Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped YOU off!" Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"

[Die Judicii]

There's this sailor with a pet parrot.

But the parrot swears like an old sea captain.

He's opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the sailors outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you, I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The sailor is astounded, he can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

The parrot speaks again, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Same joke,,,,,,, but with a different aspect;

A sailor owned a parrot, and one day he bought a budgie to keep it company.
The next morning the sailor finds the budgie dead on the floor of the cage.
( It had been sexually molested to death )

So the sailor then buys another parrot to keep his 1st one company.
The next day,,,,, Same thing, the new parrot was f##ked to death.

So he goes and buys a hawk, and put it in the cage.
Sure enough, next morning the hawk was dead on the floor of the cage,,, also f##ked to death.

So the frustrated sailor grabs his parrot and throws him into the chest freezer.
There was all sorts of noise, thumps and bumps coming from the freezer, and eventually silence.
1/2 an hour later the sailor opens the freezer, and sitting on the bottom was his parrot,,, sweating profusely.

The sailor said, " You've been locked in a freezer for over 1/2 an hour,,, how can you be sweating ?? "

The parrot replied,,, " Have you got any idea how hard it is to spread the legs on a frozen chook ?? "

[darwindingo]

DJ, nice variation

OB's sandal one is a pissa too

[GLS_1956]

In the mid 1930s a farm tractor salesman was driving through the country side hoping to make a sell, with it being in the middle of the Great Depression he'd not made a sell in weeks.

Driving along what seemed to be a prosperous and well maintained farm house with many new out buildings, he saw a man who he assumed was the owner out in a field plowing behind beautiful Herford bull.. Seeing the prospect for a sell the salesman pulled into the field and walked over to the farmer and began talking to him.

"Sir I see you have a magnificent bull there that you are using to plow your field with."

"Aye", replied the farmer, "that's correct".

"Well sir", began the salesman, I represent the John Deere Company, and I would like to show you some of the tractors and implements we offer."

The farmer stood there for a few moments before he replied. "I'm sorry son, I'm not in the market for anything, in fact I happen to have several of your company's tractors in my barn at this very moment."

Somewhat stunned, the salesman asked the farmer. "Well sir, if you have several tractors why, may I ask, are you out her plowing the field with the bull?"

With a grin on his face the farmer told the salesman. "Why I'm just trying to show the SOB, that there are other things to do in this world than have sex all the time."

[juststarting]

A newspaper finds out about an old local couple, well over a hundred and married for ever. They decide to interview them to find out their secret to their health and marriage.

Reporter sits with the couple and asks the old fella first, how he does it.

Guy: well, we don’t really fight, we compromise and we don’t go to bed angry. We eat healthy and exercise daily. And of course God helps me.

Reporter: Interesting, so how does the God help?

Guy: well, you know, little things. For example, when I wake up at night to go to the toilet, God turns the lights on for me so I don’t trip and hurt myself.

Wife: you old fool! You pissed in the fridge again!

[Title_II]

A newspaper finds out about an old local couple, well over a hundred and married for ever. They decide to interview them to find out their secret to their health and marriage.

Reporter sits with the couple and asks the old fella first, how he does it.

Guy: well, we don’t really fight, we compromise and we don’t go to bed angry. We eat healthy and exercise daily. And of course God helps me.

Reporter: Interesting, so how does the God help?

Guy: well, you know, little things. For example, when I wake up at night to go to the toilet, God turns the lights on for me so I don’t trip and hurt myself.

Wife: you old fool! You pissed in the fridge again!

Not a joke but kind of funny.

When I was in Airborne School I went out one weekend (you did NOT stick around) and got completely ******. Somebody had broken into my locker and I suspected a roomate that was a complete scumbag and kept giving me crap and really asking for it. Well, apparently (I have no recollection), when I returned I whipped my dick out and completely hosed down his pillow. My other roomate was cheering me on and woke up people from other rooms that came to see what was going on.

I think it was the next morning he froze in the door and got kicked out I laughed at him while he was frozen.

[Oldbloke]

Bless me father.

Bless me father-- for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is.
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."...
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad,Tommy Shaughnessy,and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you "
now!"
Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers "well... what'd you get?"
"Three months vacation and five good leads."...

[Gregg]

Crafty Tommy

[Title_II]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

[Die Judicii]

A woman from the big city decided it was time to get out and find herself a "real man"
So she heads off out into the country, and was driving along a dusty back road.
Coming around a sharp bend in the road, she can hardly believe her eyes.

Out in a paddock was a perfect specimen of a handsome young man, and he was tethered to a plough that he was pulling.
As he had almost finished doing the paddock, she parked alongside the road and watched.
When he finished the last lap, he pulled the plough over to the fence line of the adjoining paddock, picked up the plough and threw it over the fence.

The woman couldn't contain her excitement any longer,, climbed over the fence, and ran over to the young man and said "I need F#@king"

The young man looked at her and said, "So do I,, I just ploughed the wrong paddock"

[Die Judicii]

An insurance salesman was travelling in the country trying to make some sales.
He pulled up at a farmhouse and knocked on the door.
A woman answered, and the salesman asked to speak to the man of the house.
The woman said, He's down at the milking shed, walk down and see him there.

The salesman meets the farmer and explains that he is selling insurance.
The farmer said to him, "Son,,,, I will buy the biggest and most comprehensive policy you've got,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, On one condition".
The salesman asked what would that be.

Farmer says, "Well, it's like this,,,,,,,,, yesterday morning I had a new heifer that was due for her first milking, so I did all the other cows first and left the heifer till last so that things were quiet and relaxed so she wouldn't get too upset.
I put her in the bail, and sat down with the bucket, and carefully started milking.
Then she kicked, and knocked the bucket over.
So I got a leg rope and tied her leg back.
I started milking again, and shortly thereafter she kicked with the other leg and knocked the bucket over again.
So I got another leg rope and tied the other leg back.
I sat down again to start milking, and then she sh!t and it ran down her tail and it swished across my face.
So, I get up and lifted her tail up over her back and tied it to her horns.
I was about to sit down again to milk her, when I got the urge to pee.
So I walked out behind her to have a pee,,,,,, and I'd just unzipped and pulled the old fellah out,,,, and the wife turned up to see how things were going.

Well,,,, that's my condition son,,,,,,,, If you can convince her that I didn't have bad intentions towards that cow,, I'll buy your insurance.

[darwindingo]

[tom604]

i was out hunting last week and this buxom blonde honey ran out of the bush and started undressing, 'you game' i said winking

you bet i am ,replied the blond

so i shot her

[Oldbloke]

Tom, that's sad.