Joke Thread :lol:

[Lazarus]

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[Oldbloke]

An oldie but a goodie.....

 

CREATING A PASSWORD

cabbage

Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

boiledcabbage

Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

1 boiled cabbage

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

50fngboiledcabbages

Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

50FNGboiledcabbages

Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

50FngBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse.IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

NowIAmGettingReallyPissedOff50FngBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, that password is already in use.

[Oldbloke]

Ughh I hate to do this about a local business but feel you deserve to know. ** Be aware ** We ordered a Chinese take away from a local place last night. (I won't name them) I had just picked it up and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!! I thought what the hell is that? Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out. I was driving so I leaned over and picked up the bag and put it on the passenger seat. There it was again! More rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers. I thought it has got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully opened the bag ... And there it was! ...

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A Peeking Duck!!!

[Die Judicii]

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I got a Conversion Kit,, and made mine a Single Shot.

[Lazarus]

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[Lazarus]

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[Oldbloke]

After landing my new job as a Bunnings "Greeter" (a good find for many retirees) I lasted less than a day.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Bogan woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Bunnings."
I then said, "Nice children you have there, are they twins?"
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "No, they ain't fckn twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?"
I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone fckd you twice, have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work!

[Oldbloke]

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.

Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in this next election. You can't always hear the bells.

[Lazarus]

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[Lazarus]

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[Lazarus]

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[Lazarus]

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[Lazarus]

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[Lazarus]

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[Oldbloke]

Faaaark. How is it possible to get your nuts caught like that?

[Lazarus]

Faaaark. How is it possible to get your nuts caught like that?

Maybe it's just me OB, but two things I find horrendous when they happen to me but hilarious when seeing them happen to others are puking and testicular misfortunes.

How he managed it, I have no idea, but I'll bet mine that he'll remember not to do it again

[Oldbloke]

I wonder if it's "photo shopped."

[Lazarus]

Welll, plastic seat, probably outside in the sun.
Oldmate sits down, it splits along those lines, opens up, the manberries drop through, automatic reaction makes him try to stand up and the nutsack trap closes.
Cue the squeal.

What I wonder is how long it took the ambos to stop laughing so they could get to work.

[Lazarus]

Well OB, here 'tis

Not just once but at least 3 times



https://www.elitereaders.com/man-gets-b ... tic-chair/

[Lazarus]

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[Lazarus]

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[Jackaroo]

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[Lazarus]

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[Lazarus]

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[Lazarus]

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[Die Judicii]

Faaaark. How is it possible to get your nuts caught like that?

What Nuts,,,,,,,,,,

[Oldbloke]

Bloody cats.

Bloke across the road Mal, has a big cat and it had a heap of kittens. He is forever tinkering with his cars and this morning he had a carby apart and grabbed one of the dishes they give the cats milk in and poured petrol in it and washed the jets etc of his carby.

Two kittens came up to the bowl and one took a lap and went away and the other one lapped up a bit and went crazy.

The f***ing thing ran in circles around his front yard and next thing it ran across the road and climbed the palm tree out the front of our place.

It got right up really high and then just fell out of the tree onto the pavers

Unreal eh
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Yeah, it ran out of petrol .

[Lazarus]

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[Die Judicii]

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Well cop this one,,,,
The last time I drove across the Nullabor,,,,,,,,, halfway across I was confronted with some pretty major roadworks.
The Highways Dept were constructing a large arch bridge.
So, I keep on driving,,,,, but thinking to myself that's very odd....

But on the return journey I noticed two Irishmen sitting on the now finished bridge,,,,,,, fishing.

[Oldbloke]

Mickey Mouse was in court filing to divorce Minnie Mouse.

The judge says to Mickey "You can't divorce Minnie just because you think she's crazy"

Mickey replies "I didn't say she was crazy, your honour, I said she was f*cking Goofy!"