Joke Thread :lol:

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[Oldbloke]

Jesus was going to be called Garry till Mary stubbed her toe.

[Oldbloke]

Proof of global warming.

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[Oldbloke]

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[Oldbloke]

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[Oldbloke]

Jingle bells.

https://youtu.be/s8seU5JkpZE?si=AFx0OhjB4aqodwiI

[Lazarus]

G'day OB

I'll see your outrageously early xmas video corn and raise you some dad joke corn

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I think we've all met one of these

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[Oldbloke]

An old station hand named Billy was overseeing his stock in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Bryony suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man,

“If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers,

“Sure, why not?”

The yuppie parks his car whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany …..

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to Billy and says,

“You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, you’ll be helpin’ yourself to one of me animals, then, since you won it fair and square.” says Billy.

He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.

As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says,

“Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?”

The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says,

“Okay, old fella, why not? I’m a believer in fair play.”

“You’re a politician & you work in Canberra.” says the old-timer.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered Billy

“You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollar’s worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.” !!!!!

[Oldbloke]

A 15-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a shopping mall.

They were stunned by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this Father?”

The father (who had never seen an elevator) replied, “My son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady walks into a small room between them.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the little numbers above the walls light up one by one.

They kept watching until it reached the last number, then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally, the walls opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son… “Go get your Mother.”

[Oldbloke]

An oldie but goodie.

A farmer bought a young rooster, and as soon as he arrived back at the farm, the rooster raced out and had sex with the farmer's 150 hens. He then chased down the resident ducks and geese and screwed them all.

The farmer came out to the paddock and saw the rooster lying almost dead and motionless, with a flock of vultures circling overhead. :That'll teach you, you horny bastard!"

The rooster opened one eye and said: "Shhh! They're about to land".

[Oldbloke]

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinntt County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached the side of his car.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ..
'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: ...'A pumpkin?
[expletive deleted] ... is it midnight already?'

[Oldbloke]

Oldie but goodie.


A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you... don't bother coming after me".

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she can hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note...

After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone...

"She's finally gone... yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.

I love you... can't wait to see you... we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...

"I can see your feet. We're out of bread: be back in five minutes."

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https://youtu.be/lu578ycOakA?si=CiXfarcsSddvI47h

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[Oldbloke]

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https://twitter.com/i/status/1731133656947675229

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