A bloke walks past a bar with a sign out the front “Talking dog for sale $100, apply within.”
The man walks into the bar and says to the barman, “I see you’ve got a talking dog for sale.”
Before the barman can answer, the dog laying on the floor pipes up, “Yep, that’s me.”
The bloke’s jaw hits the ground and before he could say anything else, the dog starts talking.
“I used to work for the CIA as a covert operative. They’d put me into a room with people they wanted to spy on and I’d listen away. No one ever expected anything un-toward from a dog, look at these puppy eyes. They’d tell me all their secrets, then I’d report back to my handler.”
The bloke is speechless.
The dog continues, “I got burnt out from the spying game, it’s so stressful, so I went to work for customs, sniffing luggage for drugs. After a while, I started getting bad headaches from the drugs I was sniffing, so I quit that, and I was put out to stud.”
The bloke is still dumb founded.
Before he could get a word in, the dog continues, “All those pretty dogs, a well balanced diet, plenty of belly scratches, but boy did I have to perform, if you know what I mean? I had to get out of that game”
The bloke was just about dribbling by now.
The dog went on, “After the stud farm I thought I’d take it easy and just be a pub dog. You know, lay around all day, get patted by drunks, a couple of table scraps here and there, it’s a dogs life you know. So what do you think, am I a bargain or what?”
The bloke blurts out to the barman, “A talking dog, why are you selling him at all, and why so cheap?”
The barman says, “That dogs a liar, he never did any of that stuff, he’s been here all his life.”
Joke Thread :lol:
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 12 Jun 2021, 1:50 pm
Chappo wrote:Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory?.....
My uncle put one up my arse once and I’ll never forget it!
LOL I would remember too.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby.
Now I'm a member. 
Hunt safe. A bit more bang is better.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby.
Now I'm a member. Hunt safe. A bit more bang is better.
-
Oldbloke - Field Marshal
- Posts: 13398
- Victoria
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 12 Jun 2021, 7:23 pm
Lovey wrote:A bloke walks past a bar with a sign out the front “Talking dog for sale $100, apply within.”
The man walks into the bar and says to the barman, “I see you’ve got a talking dog for sale.”
Before the barman can answer, the dog laying on the floor pipes up, “Yep, that’s me.”
The bloke’s jaw hits the ground and before he could say anything else, the dog starts talking.
“I used to work for the CIA as a covert operative. They’d put me into a room with people they wanted to spy on and I’d listen away. No one ever expected anything un-toward from a dog, look at these puppy eyes. They’d tell me all their secrets, then I’d report back to my handler.”
The bloke is speechless.
The dog continues, “I got burnt out from the spying game, it’s so stressful, so I went to work for customs, sniffing luggage for drugs. After a while, I started getting bad headaches from the drugs I was sniffing, so I quit that, and I was put out to stud.”
The bloke is still dumb founded.
Before he could get a word in, the dog continues, “All those pretty dogs, a well balanced diet, plenty of belly scratches, but boy did I have to perform, if you know what I mean? I had to get out of that game”
The bloke was just about dribbling by now.
The dog went on, “After the stud farm I thought I’d take it easy and just be a pub dog. You know, lay around all day, get patted by drunks, a couple of table scraps here and there, it’s a dogs life you know. So what do you think, am I a bargain or what?”
The bloke blurts out to the barman, “A talking dog, why are you selling him at all, and why so cheap?”
The barman says, “That dogs a liar, he never did any of that stuff, he’s been here all his life.”
Haha, that’s my type of humour!!
- Lsfan
- Corporal
- Posts: 313
- New South Wales
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 12 Jun 2021, 11:24 pm
Stix wrote:A new study has shown that an increasing number of men batter their women.
Can't see the attraction myself.
I've always eaten mine raw...
I like my women how I like my coffee...
...
...ground up and in the freezer.
- boingk
Last edited by boingk on 13 Jun 2021, 12:16 am, edited 1 time in total.
Nil
- boingk
- Sergeant
- Posts: 681
- Other
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 13 Jun 2021, 12:12 am
A long one if you have the taste for it --
A bloke walks into a bar. Its a quiet time of the afternoon - after lunch but before the evening happy hour rush. There's only a few patrons around... and this guy looks particularly haggard.
He walks up to the bar and orders a beer. He sips at it, and makes smalltalk with the publican. Eventually, he gets a glint in his eye and says "So, if you're bold, I'll make you a bet."
"Sure thing, whats the bet?" says the publican.
"I'll betchya a tenner I can bite my eye," the man says.
"Done deal!" retorts the publican, slapping a note down on the bar. He folds his arms, ready for the show. His grin widens; he's expecting either nothing or a spectacular show. Either way he wins. His eyes drift to the reobar under the counter, just in case.
Without warning, while still sipping his beer, the man whips out his left eye, flicks it into the air like a coin, catches it in the schooner and throws it back into his mouth. He throws his head forward, and there between his teeth is his left eye. That glint wasn't character, the damn thing is glass.
The barman lets out a laugh, slaps the counter, and recovers to begrudgingly profer the note toward the man at the bar. He smiles, and orders another beer, handing back the note to pay for it.
A while later, smalltalk has resumed. It's only the man at the bar, the publican, and one bloke in the corner watching the races. The man makes another offer:
"Hey, another bet my man? Tenner again and I'll bite my other eye."
The publican saw him walk into the bar, he didn't have a cane. He has a quick look out the window, there's no guide dog. This bugger ain't blind, he's just cheeky and wants him to back down. Nuh-uh.
"Haha, sure thing. Go on and chew that other peeper for me!"
Again, without hesitation and still sipping his beer, the man spits out his teeth. They're false. The publicans face drops. He's been had, he know's where this is going. The man at the bar retrieves them from his glass and chews his right eye with them before popping them back onto his gums.
"Gaaaawd damn my man, didn't see that coming. Here's your tenner, but no more bets for me or anyone else in the bar, you hear? Dinner crowd's due soon and I don't want a scene."
Pubbo is too bold to say it, but he doesn't like being had. He's quietly fuming that this old bastard has shorted him twenty bucks for a few cheap tricks.
But the man's eye glints again. He adjusts his teeth with his tongue and pipes up, "Wait a minute, just one more. How about I give you a hundred bucks if I can piss from here to the door?"
The publican eyes the distance. He knows how many paces it is by heart and reckons its a good 6 metres or more - 20 foot in the old money. Not a man alive can piss that distance, glass eye or not.
"Done, but show me the hundred first. Piss doesn't bother me, but losing twenty bucks and having you piss on my tiles does. Money up front!"
The man at the bar slaps down a crisp hundred dollar note. He holds his hand on it for a second or two before moving it slowly back. The publican eyes it, then the man, before picking it up and holding it against the waning light from the window. It's real, no tricks there at least.
"Righto then mate, do your best."
The man grins before hopping off his seat and standing atop it. The publicans face falls momentarily before realising that even atop the stool this haggard old rube doesn't stand a chance of pissing twenty feet... or does he? He scans the bar again, making sure its only themselves and the race-rat in the corner.
The publican, face darkening, says "I may as well hold onto-" but thats all he can get out before the man whips out his weapon and sends a thick, fast stream out into the air. It's heading straight for the door, the last of the sunset light glinting off it, turning it iridescant orange in the late afternoon air...
...but it falls quickly, making a rather pathetic puddle about five feet from the chair. The publican grins. He's cleaned up spilt sevens with more fluid in them than this poor effort from the man at the bar. He can't contain himself, he launches into a full-blown belly laugh.
"HA-HA! Ahh-hahahaha...ah-ha... ah... haha... I knew you wouldn't make it! I'll put this little fellow where he belongs will I?" said the publican, slipping the crisp hundred into his shirt pocket.
The man at the bar waves it off as if nothing happened. He turns and looks at the race-rat, who's now transfixed by what's happening.
"Fair call, you've got your money fair and square. But see that bloke over there in the corner? He can't work out what just happened. But in a minute, he's going to walk up here."
Sure enough, as if on cue, the bloke in the corner pulls his chair back, stands up and walks toward the bar with a stunned look on his face. He's rummaging in his pocket for something, bemused.
The publican can't quite work out what's going on. His mirth has turned to doubt, and he reaches for the length of reo. The man at the bar, calm as ever, dissuades him.
"No, no. No need for that. Bet you're wondering what just happened? Keep the hundred. This bloke, the punter, I came in here last night. I bet him a grand I'd come in here today, piss right in the middle of your bar and make you laugh."
At this point the publican's face just goes to 'expressionless'. He's been had to the nth degree - he doesn't compute in that way. The punter from the corner reaches the man at the bar, pulls out a wad of fifties and hands it over... same stunned look on his face. He turns away, hand dropping back limply to his side, and walks out.
The man at the bar pockets the wad. He looks back at the publican and says:
"Well that's me then, I'll be off. Best grab a mop before the dinner rush gets here, hey?"
A bloke walks into a bar. Its a quiet time of the afternoon - after lunch but before the evening happy hour rush. There's only a few patrons around... and this guy looks particularly haggard.
He walks up to the bar and orders a beer. He sips at it, and makes smalltalk with the publican. Eventually, he gets a glint in his eye and says "So, if you're bold, I'll make you a bet."
"Sure thing, whats the bet?" says the publican.
"I'll betchya a tenner I can bite my eye," the man says.
"Done deal!" retorts the publican, slapping a note down on the bar. He folds his arms, ready for the show. His grin widens; he's expecting either nothing or a spectacular show. Either way he wins. His eyes drift to the reobar under the counter, just in case.
Without warning, while still sipping his beer, the man whips out his left eye, flicks it into the air like a coin, catches it in the schooner and throws it back into his mouth. He throws his head forward, and there between his teeth is his left eye. That glint wasn't character, the damn thing is glass.
The barman lets out a laugh, slaps the counter, and recovers to begrudgingly profer the note toward the man at the bar. He smiles, and orders another beer, handing back the note to pay for it.
A while later, smalltalk has resumed. It's only the man at the bar, the publican, and one bloke in the corner watching the races. The man makes another offer:
"Hey, another bet my man? Tenner again and I'll bite my other eye."
The publican saw him walk into the bar, he didn't have a cane. He has a quick look out the window, there's no guide dog. This bugger ain't blind, he's just cheeky and wants him to back down. Nuh-uh.
"Haha, sure thing. Go on and chew that other peeper for me!"
Again, without hesitation and still sipping his beer, the man spits out his teeth. They're false. The publicans face drops. He's been had, he know's where this is going. The man at the bar retrieves them from his glass and chews his right eye with them before popping them back onto his gums.
"Gaaaawd damn my man, didn't see that coming. Here's your tenner, but no more bets for me or anyone else in the bar, you hear? Dinner crowd's due soon and I don't want a scene."
Pubbo is too bold to say it, but he doesn't like being had. He's quietly fuming that this old bastard has shorted him twenty bucks for a few cheap tricks.
But the man's eye glints again. He adjusts his teeth with his tongue and pipes up, "Wait a minute, just one more. How about I give you a hundred bucks if I can piss from here to the door?"
The publican eyes the distance. He knows how many paces it is by heart and reckons its a good 6 metres or more - 20 foot in the old money. Not a man alive can piss that distance, glass eye or not.
"Done, but show me the hundred first. Piss doesn't bother me, but losing twenty bucks and having you piss on my tiles does. Money up front!"
The man at the bar slaps down a crisp hundred dollar note. He holds his hand on it for a second or two before moving it slowly back. The publican eyes it, then the man, before picking it up and holding it against the waning light from the window. It's real, no tricks there at least.
"Righto then mate, do your best."
The man grins before hopping off his seat and standing atop it. The publicans face falls momentarily before realising that even atop the stool this haggard old rube doesn't stand a chance of pissing twenty feet... or does he? He scans the bar again, making sure its only themselves and the race-rat in the corner.
The publican, face darkening, says "I may as well hold onto-" but thats all he can get out before the man whips out his weapon and sends a thick, fast stream out into the air. It's heading straight for the door, the last of the sunset light glinting off it, turning it iridescant orange in the late afternoon air...
...but it falls quickly, making a rather pathetic puddle about five feet from the chair. The publican grins. He's cleaned up spilt sevens with more fluid in them than this poor effort from the man at the bar. He can't contain himself, he launches into a full-blown belly laugh.
"HA-HA! Ahh-hahahaha...ah-ha... ah... haha... I knew you wouldn't make it! I'll put this little fellow where he belongs will I?" said the publican, slipping the crisp hundred into his shirt pocket.
The man at the bar waves it off as if nothing happened. He turns and looks at the race-rat, who's now transfixed by what's happening.
"Fair call, you've got your money fair and square. But see that bloke over there in the corner? He can't work out what just happened. But in a minute, he's going to walk up here."
Sure enough, as if on cue, the bloke in the corner pulls his chair back, stands up and walks toward the bar with a stunned look on his face. He's rummaging in his pocket for something, bemused.
The publican can't quite work out what's going on. His mirth has turned to doubt, and he reaches for the length of reo. The man at the bar, calm as ever, dissuades him.
"No, no. No need for that. Bet you're wondering what just happened? Keep the hundred. This bloke, the punter, I came in here last night. I bet him a grand I'd come in here today, piss right in the middle of your bar and make you laugh."
At this point the publican's face just goes to 'expressionless'. He's been had to the nth degree - he doesn't compute in that way. The punter from the corner reaches the man at the bar, pulls out a wad of fifties and hands it over... same stunned look on his face. He turns away, hand dropping back limply to his side, and walks out.
The man at the bar pockets the wad. He looks back at the publican and says:
"Well that's me then, I'll be off. Best grab a mop before the dinner rush gets here, hey?"
Nil
- boingk
- Sergeant
- Posts: 681
- Other
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 25 Jun 2021, 9:31 pm
Sydney Public Notice
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- Sarco
- Corporal
- Posts: 253
- Victoria
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 25 Jun 2021, 9:34 pm
True facts
1. In the 1400s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb.'
2. Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...
Ladies Forbidden'... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
3. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David,
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander the Great,
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
4. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'
5. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.
Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
6. Since 1991, Collingwood fans have said they are going to win the grand final at the start of every season, hence the phrase ‘deluded clowns’
1. In the 1400s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb.'
2. Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...
Ladies Forbidden'... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
3. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David,
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander the Great,
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
4. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'
5. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.
Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
6. Since 1991, Collingwood fans have said they are going to win the grand final at the start of every season, hence the phrase ‘deluded clowns’
- Sarco
- Corporal
- Posts: 253
- Victoria
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 26 Jun 2021, 9:15 am
Great lead up and perfect delivery
.22 winchester .22hornet .222 .243 7mm rem mag cbc 12g
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duncan61 - Officer Cadet
- Posts: 1905
- Western Australia
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 26 Jun 2021, 10:17 pm
An old guy goes to his doctor and advises he's a now a bit worried about his health and the Doc asks what is his problem .
The old guy says "I always piss at 6am every morning" and the Doc asks "ok does this still happen now" and the old guys answers "Yes"
The Doc then asks about his bowel movements.
The old guy answers "I always s**t at 7am every morning" and again the Doc asks if this still happens. "yes" the old guy answers.
Getting a bit confused the doc says "well if your are pissing and s**ting at the same time like you always have what is the problem"
"I wake up at 8" says the old guy.
The old guy says "I always piss at 6am every morning" and the Doc asks "ok does this still happen now" and the old guys answers "Yes"
The Doc then asks about his bowel movements.
The old guy answers "I always s**t at 7am every morning" and again the Doc asks if this still happens. "yes" the old guy answers.
Getting a bit confused the doc says "well if your are pissing and s**ting at the same time like you always have what is the problem"
"I wake up at 8" says the old guy.
- 1886
- Lance Corporal
- Posts: 150
- Western Australia
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 27 Jun 2021, 12:28 am
I haven't read this section for a while now, but the last three from Sarco and boingk are absolute GOLD.
As for vets,,,,,,,, sometimes I believe Vets are far better than Doctors.
How confident would you feel in going to see your doctor with a major health problem,,,, and not being able to verbally explain the symptoms ?????
As for vets,,,,,,,, sometimes I believe Vets are far better than Doctors.
How confident would you feel in going to see your doctor with a major health problem,,,, and not being able to verbally explain the symptoms ?????
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
And,,,,It's been proven,,,,, the most trustworthy females in my entire life were all canines.
And,,,,It's been proven,,,,, the most trustworthy females in my entire life were all canines.
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Die Judicii - Brigadier
- Posts: 4044
- Queensland
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 27 Jun 2021, 8:57 am
SLEEPING PILLS
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired
At her next check-up, the new Doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for Her.
As The young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide,
As he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control Pills..
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these
that that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and Patted the young Doctor's knee....
"Yes, dear, I know that.
But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the
glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks .. . ..
And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night.
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired
At her next check-up, the new Doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for Her.
As The young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide,
As he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control Pills..
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these
that that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and Patted the young Doctor's knee....
"Yes, dear, I know that.
But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the
glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks .. . ..
And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. Now I'm a member.
Hunt safe. A bit more bang is better.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby.
Now I'm a member. Hunt safe. A bit more bang is better.
-
Oldbloke - Field Marshal
- Posts: 13398
- Victoria
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 27 Jun 2021, 9:49 am
Oldbloke wrote:SLEEPING PILLS
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired
At her next check-up, the new Doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for Her.
As The young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide,
As he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control Pills..
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these
that that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and Patted the young Doctor's knee....
"Yes, dear, I know that.
But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the
glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks .. . ..
And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night.
As a grandparent, I can definitely understand where she is coming from.
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Bugman - Sergeant Major
- Posts: 1515
- New South Wales
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 29 Jun 2021, 8:29 pm
Nearly the best state leader
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- bah!
- Lance Corporal
- Posts: 207
- Western Australia
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 30 Jun 2021, 6:54 am
Tarzan of the jungle, but it's OK, his wife is not a bad looking one (just her eyebrows)
When good men and women can’t speak the truth, when facts are inconvenient, when integrity and character no longer matter, when ego and self-preservation are more important than national security — then there is nothing left to stop the triumph of evil
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cz515 - Warrant Officer C2
- Posts: 1032
- Victoria
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 30 Jun 2021, 4:41 pm
I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned
- womble
- Captain
- Posts: 2688
- Victoria
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 30 Jun 2021, 6:13 pm
womble wrote:https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bawmxQE_Fj0
You could’ve given us a f...ing warning! My kids just asked why I was laughing. Couldn’t explain why
- Lsfan
- Corporal
- Posts: 313
- New South Wales
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 30 Jun 2021, 11:14 pm
womble wrote:https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bawmxQE_Fj0
Ah yes,,,,,, I have heard of F#cking a while back now (approx 55 years ago)
However, on a serious note,, apparently the town itself is getting pretty p!ssed off at having to constantly renew the town entrance signs.
The tourists it seem, can't help taking souvenirs.
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
And,,,,It's been proven,,,,, the most trustworthy females in my entire life were all canines.
And,,,,It's been proven,,,,, the most trustworthy females in my entire life were all canines.
-
Die Judicii - Brigadier
- Posts: 4044
- Queensland
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 30 Jun 2021, 11:16 pm
What do you call a man that only has a 1/2" penis ??
"Justin"
"Justin"
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
And,,,,It's been proven,,,,, the most trustworthy females in my entire life were all canines.
And,,,,It's been proven,,,,, the most trustworthy females in my entire life were all canines.
-
Die Judicii - Brigadier
- Posts: 4044
- Queensland
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 01 Jul 2021, 5:41 am
I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned
- womble
- Captain
- Posts: 2688
- Victoria
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 01 Jul 2021, 7:47 pm
Not like Kissinger is going to get a letter from the queen, he could go any time.
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- bah!
- Lance Corporal
- Posts: 207
- Western Australia
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 02 Jul 2021, 7:07 am
.........
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- Sergeant
- Posts: 681
- Queensland
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 02 Jul 2021, 6:45 pm
...
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- Sergeant
- Posts: 681
- Queensland
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 04 Jul 2021, 12:01 am
7 Tips for Keeping Your Man (from the 1950s)
There's always someone around to offer marital advice, but historically, words of wisdom to wives have a tendency to be daft and maddening. Still, that's not to say variations on these ideas can't be found in advice columns and books today. Want to keep and please your man? Here are seven tips from the early and mid-20th century. It's about to get real.
1. DON'T TALK.
Oh, did Mavis from next door insult your prize-winning squash? Did little Timmy get sent home for starting fires again? Does that shooting pain in your left arm just keeps getting more intense? Keep it to yourself! Your man works all day and the last thing he needs to hear about is how yours went. Refer to the first four commandments on "How to be a Good Wife" that Edward Podolsky gives in his 1943 book, Sex Today in Wedded Life:
Don't bother your husband with petty troubles and complaints when he comes home from work.
Be a good listener. Let him tell you his troubles; yours will seem trivial in comparison.
Remember your most important job is to build up and maintain his ego (which gets bruised plenty in business). Morale is a woman's business.
Let him relax before dinner. Discuss family problems after the inner man has been satisfied.
In his 1951 book Sex Satisfaction and Happy Marriage, Reverend Alfred Henry Tyrer has more to add to that—do not ask for things. This is called "nagging":
I verily believe that the happiness of homes is destroyed more frequently by the habit of nagging than by any other one. A man may stand that sort of thing (nagging) for a long time, but the chances are against his standing it permanently. If he needs peace to make life bearable, he will have to look for it elsewhere than in his own house. And it is quite likely that he will look.
Unless your husband wants you to talk. Then don't you dare disappoint him. Says Reverend Tyrer:
If [the husband] is intellectually inclined, and from time to time seeks to explain little things to her so that she may have at least a bare knowledge of what it is that interests him, and, without the slightest comment, she takes up again the fashion magazine she laid down when he commenced to speak, we may be pretty sure that there is going to be a 'rift in the lute' sooner or later in that house.
2. BAD COOKING WILL DRIVE YOUR MAN TO SEEDY SALOONS.
My god, woman, this turkey tastes like wet toilet paper stuffed inside a burnt basketball! Have you no pride? Oh, you had a late volunteer shift at the hospital and then went straight to Timmy's intervention? No excuses! Heed Reverend Tyrer!
A social service meeting, an afternoon tea, a matinee, a whatnot, is no excuse for there being no dinner ready when a husband comes home from a hard day's work.
Housekeeping accomplishments and cooking ability are, of course, positive essentials in any true home, and every wife should take a reasonable pride in her skill. Happiness does not flourish in an atmosphere of dyspepsia.
Or listen to the even more plain-spoken Dr. William Josephus Robinson from his 1922 book Married Life and Happiness:
Bad cooking is responsible for dyspepsia, dyspepsia is responsible for grouchiness and irritability, grouchiness and irritability lead to quarrels and squabbles. And bad cooking, which is the usual thing in the average American home, has been responsible as much as any other factor for driving the husband to the saloon, and to other places. And when she does cook, she should cook, and not be, as somebody said, a mere can opener.
If you didn't want your husband to become a syphilitic alcoholic, you should have learned to make the damn pot roast properly.
3. BE THE HOT STEAK, NOT THE CHEAP PORK.
Speaking of cooking, Reverend Tyrer has a metaphor for you.
Picture a woman preparing a fine meal for her husband.
She remembered his choice of meat and was careful to get an extra-fine cut … her best cutlery and dishes and finest linen are all in evidence, and a little colorful decoration has been tastefully displayed … and as he comes into the house she greets him with a smile of welcome and a touch of manifest love.
Now, say that linen was a bed sheet, the colorful little decoration was fuzzy handcuffs, and you had the privilege of being that extra fine cut of meat. What does all that equal? A husband who doesn't cheat on you!
But say that same wife "is constantly setting him down to indigestible meals, cold and unappetizing, with nothing properly cooked, set out on a kitchen table with a dirty cloth, she need not be surprised if her husband frequently telephones from the office that business will prevent him from being home for dinner."
All because you weren't properly cooked when he was hungry!
4. DON'T BE A SEXUAL VAMPIRE OR A FRIGID FRANNY.
Of course, as Dr. Robinson warns, it is possible to be over-cooked. Then you become a "sexual vampire" and you will drive your husband to his grave, feasting on his life force.
Just as the vampire sucks the blood of its victims in their sleep while they are alive, so does the woman vampire suck the life and exhaust the vitality of her male partner—or "victim."
It is to be borne in mind that it is particularly older girls—girls between thirty and fifty—who are apt to be unreasonable in their demands when they get married; but no age is exempt; sexual vampires may be found among girls of twenty as well as among women of sixty and over.
The opposite of that, of course, is to be frigid. That means you take no particular pleasure from sexual acts with your husband. Oh, "we should talk it out openly and honestly," you say? Maybe see a doctor, a therapist?
Terrible idea. What do you think that will do to your husband's ego? Listen to Dr. Robinson and save your marriage!
Now, if you are one of those frigid or sexually anesthetic women, don't be in a hurry to inform your husband about it. To the man it makes no difference in the pleasurableness of the act whether you are frigid or not unless he knows that you are frigid. And he won't know unless you tell him, and what he doesn’t know won't hurt him. Heed this advice. It has saved thousands of women from trouble.
5. PINK PANTIES ARE A MUST.
And while we're on the subject of you performing convincingly in the boudoir, you better be costumed correctly, too. Dainty pink panties are so important, in fact, that Dr. Robinson wrote about them in at least two books. First, in his 1917 book Woman: Her Sex and Love Life:
This may be considered too delicate or too trifling a subject to discuss in an important sex book. But nothing is too delicate or too trifling that concerns human happiness, and you will believe me if I tell you that nice underwear or dainty lingerie plays a very important role in marital life. … If anything in a woman's toilet should be immaculately fresh and clean it is, I emphasize, her underwear. Silk and lace and delicate batiste should be preferred, if they can be afforded, and attention should be paid to the color. As a rule, a delicate pink is the color that most men prefer.
And again, five years later, in Married Life and Happiness:
That the underwear should be spotlessly clean goes without saying, but every woman should wear the best quality underwear that she can afford. And the color should be preferably pink. And lace and ruffles, I am sorry to say, add to the attractiveness of underwear, and are liked by the average man.
6. LET HIM HAVE A LITTLE FUN NOW AND THEN.
What if your man strays during your marriage? Well, Dr. Robinson is here for you again. He says that ultimately, a wife will react to infidelity as her heart dictates. But he still offers some advice: Get over it.
But in case of an occasional lapse on the part of the husband—there a bit of advice may prove acceptable. And my advice would be: forgive and forget. Or still better—make believe that you know nothing. An occasional lapse from the straight path does not mean that he has ceased to love you. He may love you as much; he may love you a good deal more.
7. REMEMBER YOUR HUSBAND IS THE BOSS OF YOU.
It is fitting to close with a simple truism from the renowned Eugenicist Prof. B.G. Jefferis, in his Searchlights on Health, The Science of Eugenics:
The Number One Rule. Reverence Your Husband.—He sustains by God's order a position of dignity as head of a family, head of the woman. Any breaking down of this order indicates a mistake in the union, or a digression from duty.
Stop talking, slap on some pink drawers, and start worshipping!
There's always someone around to offer marital advice, but historically, words of wisdom to wives have a tendency to be daft and maddening. Still, that's not to say variations on these ideas can't be found in advice columns and books today. Want to keep and please your man? Here are seven tips from the early and mid-20th century. It's about to get real.
1. DON'T TALK.
Oh, did Mavis from next door insult your prize-winning squash? Did little Timmy get sent home for starting fires again? Does that shooting pain in your left arm just keeps getting more intense? Keep it to yourself! Your man works all day and the last thing he needs to hear about is how yours went. Refer to the first four commandments on "How to be a Good Wife" that Edward Podolsky gives in his 1943 book, Sex Today in Wedded Life:
Don't bother your husband with petty troubles and complaints when he comes home from work.
Be a good listener. Let him tell you his troubles; yours will seem trivial in comparison.
Remember your most important job is to build up and maintain his ego (which gets bruised plenty in business). Morale is a woman's business.
Let him relax before dinner. Discuss family problems after the inner man has been satisfied.
In his 1951 book Sex Satisfaction and Happy Marriage, Reverend Alfred Henry Tyrer has more to add to that—do not ask for things. This is called "nagging":
I verily believe that the happiness of homes is destroyed more frequently by the habit of nagging than by any other one. A man may stand that sort of thing (nagging) for a long time, but the chances are against his standing it permanently. If he needs peace to make life bearable, he will have to look for it elsewhere than in his own house. And it is quite likely that he will look.
Unless your husband wants you to talk. Then don't you dare disappoint him. Says Reverend Tyrer:
If [the husband] is intellectually inclined, and from time to time seeks to explain little things to her so that she may have at least a bare knowledge of what it is that interests him, and, without the slightest comment, she takes up again the fashion magazine she laid down when he commenced to speak, we may be pretty sure that there is going to be a 'rift in the lute' sooner or later in that house.
2. BAD COOKING WILL DRIVE YOUR MAN TO SEEDY SALOONS.
My god, woman, this turkey tastes like wet toilet paper stuffed inside a burnt basketball! Have you no pride? Oh, you had a late volunteer shift at the hospital and then went straight to Timmy's intervention? No excuses! Heed Reverend Tyrer!
A social service meeting, an afternoon tea, a matinee, a whatnot, is no excuse for there being no dinner ready when a husband comes home from a hard day's work.
Housekeeping accomplishments and cooking ability are, of course, positive essentials in any true home, and every wife should take a reasonable pride in her skill. Happiness does not flourish in an atmosphere of dyspepsia.
Or listen to the even more plain-spoken Dr. William Josephus Robinson from his 1922 book Married Life and Happiness:
Bad cooking is responsible for dyspepsia, dyspepsia is responsible for grouchiness and irritability, grouchiness and irritability lead to quarrels and squabbles. And bad cooking, which is the usual thing in the average American home, has been responsible as much as any other factor for driving the husband to the saloon, and to other places. And when she does cook, she should cook, and not be, as somebody said, a mere can opener.
If you didn't want your husband to become a syphilitic alcoholic, you should have learned to make the damn pot roast properly.
3. BE THE HOT STEAK, NOT THE CHEAP PORK.
Speaking of cooking, Reverend Tyrer has a metaphor for you.
Picture a woman preparing a fine meal for her husband.
She remembered his choice of meat and was careful to get an extra-fine cut … her best cutlery and dishes and finest linen are all in evidence, and a little colorful decoration has been tastefully displayed … and as he comes into the house she greets him with a smile of welcome and a touch of manifest love.
Now, say that linen was a bed sheet, the colorful little decoration was fuzzy handcuffs, and you had the privilege of being that extra fine cut of meat. What does all that equal? A husband who doesn't cheat on you!
But say that same wife "is constantly setting him down to indigestible meals, cold and unappetizing, with nothing properly cooked, set out on a kitchen table with a dirty cloth, she need not be surprised if her husband frequently telephones from the office that business will prevent him from being home for dinner."
All because you weren't properly cooked when he was hungry!
4. DON'T BE A SEXUAL VAMPIRE OR A FRIGID FRANNY.
Of course, as Dr. Robinson warns, it is possible to be over-cooked. Then you become a "sexual vampire" and you will drive your husband to his grave, feasting on his life force.
Just as the vampire sucks the blood of its victims in their sleep while they are alive, so does the woman vampire suck the life and exhaust the vitality of her male partner—or "victim."
It is to be borne in mind that it is particularly older girls—girls between thirty and fifty—who are apt to be unreasonable in their demands when they get married; but no age is exempt; sexual vampires may be found among girls of twenty as well as among women of sixty and over.
The opposite of that, of course, is to be frigid. That means you take no particular pleasure from sexual acts with your husband. Oh, "we should talk it out openly and honestly," you say? Maybe see a doctor, a therapist?
Terrible idea. What do you think that will do to your husband's ego? Listen to Dr. Robinson and save your marriage!
Now, if you are one of those frigid or sexually anesthetic women, don't be in a hurry to inform your husband about it. To the man it makes no difference in the pleasurableness of the act whether you are frigid or not unless he knows that you are frigid. And he won't know unless you tell him, and what he doesn’t know won't hurt him. Heed this advice. It has saved thousands of women from trouble.
5. PINK PANTIES ARE A MUST.
And while we're on the subject of you performing convincingly in the boudoir, you better be costumed correctly, too. Dainty pink panties are so important, in fact, that Dr. Robinson wrote about them in at least two books. First, in his 1917 book Woman: Her Sex and Love Life:
This may be considered too delicate or too trifling a subject to discuss in an important sex book. But nothing is too delicate or too trifling that concerns human happiness, and you will believe me if I tell you that nice underwear or dainty lingerie plays a very important role in marital life. … If anything in a woman's toilet should be immaculately fresh and clean it is, I emphasize, her underwear. Silk and lace and delicate batiste should be preferred, if they can be afforded, and attention should be paid to the color. As a rule, a delicate pink is the color that most men prefer.
And again, five years later, in Married Life and Happiness:
That the underwear should be spotlessly clean goes without saying, but every woman should wear the best quality underwear that she can afford. And the color should be preferably pink. And lace and ruffles, I am sorry to say, add to the attractiveness of underwear, and are liked by the average man.
6. LET HIM HAVE A LITTLE FUN NOW AND THEN.
What if your man strays during your marriage? Well, Dr. Robinson is here for you again. He says that ultimately, a wife will react to infidelity as her heart dictates. But he still offers some advice: Get over it.
But in case of an occasional lapse on the part of the husband—there a bit of advice may prove acceptable. And my advice would be: forgive and forget. Or still better—make believe that you know nothing. An occasional lapse from the straight path does not mean that he has ceased to love you. He may love you as much; he may love you a good deal more.
7. REMEMBER YOUR HUSBAND IS THE BOSS OF YOU.
It is fitting to close with a simple truism from the renowned Eugenicist Prof. B.G. Jefferis, in his Searchlights on Health, The Science of Eugenics:
The Number One Rule. Reverence Your Husband.—He sustains by God's order a position of dignity as head of a family, head of the woman. Any breaking down of this order indicates a mistake in the union, or a digression from duty.
Stop talking, slap on some pink drawers, and start worshipping!
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. Now I'm a member.
Hunt safe. A bit more bang is better.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby.
Now I'm a member. Hunt safe. A bit more bang is better.
-
Oldbloke - Field Marshal
- Posts: 13398
- Victoria
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 04 Jul 2021, 10:31 pm
Just for "Dry July"
- Attachments
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- Sarco
- Corporal
- Posts: 253
- Victoria
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 04 Jul 2021, 11:52 pm
Sarco,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I have a strange tingling feeling.
Does this mean I'll meet the "spark" of my life tomorrow ?
PS: do you do astrology readings ?
I have a strange tingling feeling.
Does this mean I'll meet the "spark" of my life tomorrow ?
PS: do you do astrology readings ?
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
And,,,,It's been proven,,,,, the most trustworthy females in my entire life were all canines.
And,,,,It's been proven,,,,, the most trustworthy females in my entire life were all canines.
-
Die Judicii - Brigadier
- Posts: 4044
- Queensland
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 05 Jul 2021, 7:58 am
Die Judicii wrote:Sarco,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I have a strange tingling feeling.
Does this mean I'll meet the "spark" of my life tomorrow ?
PS: do you do astrology readings ?
I think you’re going to be charged...
- Lsfan
- Corporal
- Posts: 313
- New South Wales
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 05 Jul 2021, 8:37 am
Hmm OB is that a 1950s joke
Or what some people in this forum (and outside the forum) still want from their girlfriend/wife.
Or what some people in this forum (and outside the forum) still want from their girlfriend/wife.
When good men and women can’t speak the truth, when facts are inconvenient, when integrity and character no longer matter, when ego and self-preservation are more important than national security — then there is nothing left to stop the triumph of evil
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cz515 - Warrant Officer C2
- Posts: 1032
- Victoria
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 05 Jul 2021, 9:10 am
It does say 1950s
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. Now I'm a member.
Hunt safe. A bit more bang is better.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby.
Now I'm a member. Hunt safe. A bit more bang is better.
-
Oldbloke - Field Marshal
- Posts: 13398
- Victoria
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 05 Jul 2021, 12:33 pm
Breaking news.
Zombie virus outbreak at Collingwood Cheer Squad meeting.
Police advise that there is no cause for concern as the virus is transmitted by biting.
Zombie virus outbreak at Collingwood Cheer Squad meeting.
Police advise that there is no cause for concern as the virus is transmitted by biting.
- Tiger650
- Corporal
- Posts: 458
- Victoria
Re: Joke Thread :lol:
by » 06 Jul 2021, 11:14 pm
William Harley eventually died and went to heaven.
Just inside the Pearly Gates, he was asked by a noble looking old gent as to who he was,,, and why he thought he should be ushered into heaven.
William puffed out his chest, and announced that he was none other than "William Harley" and that he believed he should be granted entry into
heaven because he had invented the most famous motor bike of all time.
And then he asked,,,,,,,,,, and who might you be ?
The noble old gent replied,, well yes, you most certainly did invent a fantastic bike,,,, and by the way,, I am God,,, and I invented Woman, the best
ride of them all.
To which William countered,,,,,,,, YES, I agree to a certain point but,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
You did make a major engineering fault with your model.
And God said,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Oh yes ???? and what would that fault be ?
William replied,,,,,, "Well,,,,, you placed the intake port far too close to the exhaust"
Just inside the Pearly Gates, he was asked by a noble looking old gent as to who he was,,, and why he thought he should be ushered into heaven.
William puffed out his chest, and announced that he was none other than "William Harley" and that he believed he should be granted entry into
heaven because he had invented the most famous motor bike of all time.
And then he asked,,,,,,,,,, and who might you be ?
The noble old gent replied,, well yes, you most certainly did invent a fantastic bike,,,, and by the way,, I am God,,, and I invented Woman, the best
ride of them all.
To which William countered,,,,,,,, YES, I agree to a certain point but,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
You did make a major engineering fault with your model.
And God said,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Oh yes ???? and what would that fault be ?
William replied,,,,,, "Well,,,,, you placed the intake port far too close to the exhaust"
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
And,,,,It's been proven,,,,, the most trustworthy females in my entire life were all canines.
And,,,,It's been proven,,,,, the most trustworthy females in my entire life were all canines.
-
Die Judicii - Brigadier
- Posts: 4044
- Queensland
