Joke Thread :lol:

[Oldbloke]

Islamic preacher Zakir Naik got into a taxi in London and said aloud to the taxi driver:
- Brother, please turn off the radio, because as the Holy Qur'an commands, I am not allowed to listen to music, because in the time of the Prophet there was no music, especially western music, which is the music of the disbelievers.
The taxi driver politely turned off the radio, stopped the taxi and opened the door.
Zakir asked him:
- What are you doing bro... ;
The taxi driver answered politely:
- In the era of the Prophet:
There were no taxis.
There were no bombs.
There were no shortcuts.
There were no loudspeakers in the mosques to wake up newborns, the elderly and the sick at eerie hours.
There were no suicide bombings.
There was no AK 47.
There was peace everywhere...
So shut up, step outside and wait for a camel...

[Oldbloke]

My new Bull

I recently spent $6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.

[Lazarus]

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[Lazarus]

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[Lazarus]

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[Oldbloke]

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[Lazarus]

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[Lazarus]

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[Lazarus]

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Apparently this is what happens when I sleep

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[Oldbloke]

OHS in action. The early days.

https://youtu.be/4TaRbTKXwZc?si=wp_tDhfO7WK0G_NY

[Lazarus]

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[Lazarus]

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[Oldbloke]

Laz, pls no more uglies.

[Lazarus]

Laz, pls no more uglies.

Certainly OB, tell me which you find too much and I'll happily cull accordingly.

[Oldbloke]

The fat ones

[Lazarus]

The fat ones

You're a weightist then OB?

That's a relief, I thought you might have meant the darker humour.

No more beached cetaceans then OB, just for you.


Shame though, I've got a balltearer

[Oldbloke]

P.S. what's a weightest?

[Lazarus]

:thumbsup:

P.S. what's a weightest?

A weight-ist, OB.

Like a race-ist or an age-ist

[Oldbloke]

:thumbsup:

P.S. what's a weightest?

A weight-ist, OB.

Like a race-ist or an age-ist

Well, since I'm old and fat, I can't be either.

[Lazarus]

Oh I am, evey time I look in the mirror, I wonder what the fat old bastard is doing in my bathroom

[Lazarus]

Sorry OB, this one's not yhe balltearer, but too good to ignore

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[Lazarus]

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[Lazarus]

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Got my new summer outfit today

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[Oldbloke]

Tacoma FD

https://youtu.be/5iqjGCLXQyA?si=6QNCFJfVIwSzMbFI

[Oldbloke]

A platoon of soldiers was patrolling north of Fallujah when they came upon an Isis terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar, but less serious, state.
The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.
The soldier reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, when a heavily armed insurgent approached from the opposite direction. We saw each other and both of us took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that the ISIS leader al - Baghdadi was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who would get what he deserves.
He yelled back that Bill Shorten is a unionist, good for - nothing, left wing d**khead who knows bugger all about how to run Australia and should stand down as boss of the ALP.
So I said that the new Isis leader dresses and acts like a frigid, mean - spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Penny Wong!'
And there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands
When a bloody truck hit us.

[Oldbloke]

Albo's new name.



Apparently they call him Foreskin.

Disappears when things get hard.

[Oldbloke]

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My wife didn't get it.

[Die Judicii]

One day an old bull and a young bull were grazing up on top of a hill.
Then they spotted way down in the gully in the next paddock a herd of Farmer Bill's young Jersey heifers.

The young bull said,,,,, lets race down there, crash the fence and do some of those heifers.

The old bull snorted and said,,,,,, nope, lets walk down there, slip under the wires, and do the lot.

[Lazarus]

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[Lazarus]

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