Parenting can be difficult?

[TassieTiger]

Okay, before anyone says sh@t about posting this up here on a public forum, a couple things;
I truly value the opinion of quite a few ppl on here.
Gun owners are meant to be decent and law abiding ppl.
This may also be a hypothetical...but I’m interested in hearing if some ppls advice aligns with so called professionals.

Scenario-
Imagine you have a 14 yr old boy that you share 50/50 with your ex.
Because of the split - things aren’t good between you and ex - no trust, only talk via messages.
The 14 yr old boy is typical for age - does bugger all but play computer games and is a bit...well soft. He does some shooting, some fishing, few chores of made too, but generally he’s a good kid and you get on well with him.
He manipulates his mother and only goes to school 70% of the when over there but 99% of the time when with you. He typically tells his mother what’s going on when he is there and she has at times asked for help.

A week ago, you take your 14 yr old boy to the dr for a minor check and dr says - he has to have blood test. You say to your boy, your going back to your mothers this day - so tell her to arrange to get blood test.

Next message you get from ex says, your son has refused to get blood test and if your going to make him - he’s never coming back over to you...
So he was meant to come over to yours this week as per court orders - but true to his word, he is refusing to come over because your demanding that he listen to an adult / parent and demand that he get the dr ordered blood test...

What would you do?

[Gaznazdiak]

First up mate, my sympathy for the situation, I've been there with a now permanently estranged daughter.

For me it would depend entirely on the urgency of the need for the test.

Private details aren't necessary, but if it was a serious health issue, that would take precedence for me over a teenager's discovery that this can be used to beat on his parents.

Good luck with it Tas.

[Blr243]

I know somebody that is suffering badly because of a slow diagnosis. Health is everything .... I would try to sort it peacefully and simply first. And if that doesn’t work inform the courts ..hopefully the court will remind everybody of the importance of adhering to court stipulated custody arrangements and the importance of following doctors recommendations. And at the end of the day custody arrangements are law and people can’t be useing s**t to get their own way and think that is justification for making up their own rules

[TassieTiger]

Thanks for replies.
I’m not 100% sure - but I don’t think the ex is giving you the run around on this one...I think the ex understands the urgency of the test (dr said to be done inside 7 days) but the teen is just saying “no” and I believe he is of the opinion - it cannot be forced.

[JSS]

Sorry to hear about your situation Tas, i feel for you mate.
Sometimes being a parent means you're not going to be liked by your kids, but you have to be the boss when it's needed and bugger it if they whinge, or say they hate you, or don't want to see you for a couple of weeks. He will get over it and to be honest he will be better off from losing the battle of wills. For his own good you need to get your wife on side for this one, and together get him to the Doctor, even if it's kicking and screaming. He will respect you for it in the end.
I wish you the best of luck mate.

[deye243]

Sounds like my situation you are the parent and the ex is trying to be your sons friend.
When told a child needs medical attention what kind of (egg dona) pearent would ignore that ....

[Chappo]

Hey mate.
Tough situation that I’ve seen too many friends have to go through.
I can’t comment on your particular situation but I will share a similar story I witnessed a good friend go through.

Divorced with two kids (boy and girl), wasn’t pretty and she got the majority of custody and moved away.
He got the kids every second weekend.
Kids turned into teenagers and as they do they became rebellious little sh1ts.
What I always admired about my mate is that whenever he had the kids he gave them the structure and discipline they needed.
This wasn’t helped by Mum and he found himself doing a lot of her parenting jobs as well (she would send them with overdue homework and assignments for his one weekend a fortnight)
This meant that for a few years they didn’t get on too well and preferred to be with their mum who took the easy road and gave in to them too much.
They have now mautured a bit and have chosen to live with dad and visit Mum every other weekend.
I think they grew out of the teen years to realise that the shambles Mum ran wasn’t so fun after all and dads hard work and disciplined lifestyle actually pays off.

I admired my mate because in my view he took the hard road at the detriment of his relationship with his own kids because he believed it would benefit his kids in the long run and it seems to be paying off now as one has a full time job and the other is taking study seriously.

Pretty damn hard to try and be a good parent to kids that aren’t under your roof every night, I really feel for you mate and I hope it all works out.

[TassieTiger]

Thanks for the support and advice gents. I knew there would be a least one...

Parenting doesn’t come with a how to booklet. As I mentioned in my opening and better said by Chappo and others - there’s a good chance that like minded men, of clearly good standing (except those few - you know who you are lol), and to whom I have mucho respecto, whom have life experiences and mountains to offer, in many and varied situations that are completely external to hurling lead - case in point ? every positive reply thus far in this thread and other off topic threads...

[deye243]

TT I will add that my kids are now in there 20s and as chappo said mine ended up living with me .
Never talk down your ex in front of the kids no matter how much s**t she gives you , my kids noticed this at a young age as soon as they were old enough to escape they did and have never been happier and neither will even speak to the ex and that was their choice .

[Noisydad]

Being a part time parent of teen that's seriously ill seriously sucks! You may be surprised how many of us have done it hard and come through or are doing it tough right now!
While I've got no advice or experience in the posted situation I can only offer encouragement to hang in there. Things will improve. My own daughter missed her last two years of high school due to having extended stays in hospital in Melbourne (500 km round trip to see her), while fighting her quite vicious black dog. Her egg donor and I dont speak (her choice) which made things harder than they needed to be.
My good news is that dear daughter is way better these days, has caught up on school and now in Uni, has a good boyfie and a part time job.
Keep your head up. The fog will lift and there are better days coming!

[TassieTiger]

The one thing this post has highlighted to me - is that I am FAR from alone in my experiences...I sympathise with those that have shared their story, on the forum and in pm’s and I truly thank those that have offered wise words - you know who you are. Good peeps - who i now owe beer

I also heard today about a dad, a decent dad, who is as straight as an arrow and a good person - who got a letter from the “system” - RE his 17yr old daughter wanting to disown him becaue he kept frustratingly turning off the internet wifi on her at 10.00pm. He asked her to contribute if she wanted it on longer - they had an argument.
Apparently her mother left a few years back - leaving dad and daughter alone...one would have thought, to strengthen their relationship.
Centrelink is now paying her significant $$$ and rental assistance to help her get out on her own, arranging a house for rent and he has absolutely no where to go as a dad - no recourse...as he said to me with a tear in his eye...”all this over the internet wifi” ??
It’s getting crazy...

[TassieTiger]

I recall in my teens and mid twenties - you'd go to the pub with mates and talk and yell over a few beers...and tell the band how crap they were...and really get internal problems off ya chest. Then pokies came along and the bars and local hang outs became something very very different, leaving a lot of men floundering...perhaps we are now seeing the results.

[Gaznazdiak]

Whomever came up with the idea of paying kids to leave their parents has caused untold misery.
Sure there are kids out there who genuinely need to escape abusive circumstances, but it has been abused more than used when little precious doesn't get everything they demand.
Like the baby bonus crap, paying teenage girls to pump out welfare babies, another stroke of genius

[hzj80]

Next message you get from ex says, your son has refused to get blood test and if your going to make him - he’s never coming back over to you...
So he was meant to come over to yours this week as per court orders - but true to his word, he is refusing to come over because your demanding that he listen to an adult / parent and demand that he get the dr ordered blood test...

What would you do?

Man, it's a sticky one that's for sure. Can you talk to him directly while he's at his mothers instead of relaying through her? Whatever message is getting relayed will have her spin on it at both ends.

I'd probably try to defuse the current tension, seeing as how you're at risk of losing your time together with your son. It seems like that means saying you won't force him to have the blood test.

Once you get him back in the routine of coming over, try to explain why you think it's a good idea to get the test done. Listen to his point of view, make sure you can talk together and communicate about important issues like this one.

Things can be hard with teenagers - that's been the case since forever and it's worse with separated parents, but don't let a single issue fsck up your whole relationship with him.

The court order won't stand up if he decides he doesn't want to spend time with you.

Good luck mate

[Bruiser64]

I had a similar situation when I split up with my ex when our daughters were teenagers. My ex had very poor boundaries and couldn’t/ wouldn’t make the hard decisions you need to make when parenting teenagers. Both my daughters took what to them at the time seemed the easy path of school refusal and “alternative educational pathways” that their mother offered. As my daughters really really struggled with their mental health in adolescence I had a lot of contact with the local mental health service. Their strong and consistent advice to me was to continue doing what l was doing. Which was being very consistent in my boundaries, explaining why the boundaries were in the kids best interest and consistently applying the house rules. I was told what I was doing would stand the test of time and eventually (maybe years down the track) the girls would appreciate it. I had another principle l applied then, as I do now. That principle is that my opinion of their mother needs to be kept to myself. You only ever get one mum in your life and for good or ill, this woman is their mum and they love her. They don’t want to hear me or anyone else badmouthing her.

The teenage years do pass soon enough. HZJ80’s advice is excellent. Endeavour to patiently explain why you are doing what you are. Teenagers are clueless but have no insight whatsoever about that. Remember too that if your son takes the apparently softer path with his mother, they have done it together. He is responsible for his ill informed choices too. You can’t control the behaviour of another perso, but you can endeavour to make sure you, as much as you can, are calm, clear, consistent, firm and reasonable in your dealings with him.

My youngest daughter is 20, still lives with her mother and is long term unemployed and is totally financially dependent on her mother. Her mother has clearly reaped what she has sown. My daughter knows me very well. I have left her in no doubt that asking me to subsidise her standard of living will only end in tears. I have consistently stated to both my daughters that their standard of living will be commensurate with their income and their efforts: not mine. They are now adults. I will treat them like adults and I expect them to behave like adults. Unfortunately their mother when they were teenagers gave them too much authority and no responsibility.

[TassieTiger]

My youngest daughter is 20, still lives with her mother and is long term unemployed and is totally financially dependent on her mother. Her mother has clearly reaped what she has sown. My daughter knows me very well. I have left her in no doubt that asking me to subsidise her standard of living will only end in tears. I have consistently stated to both my daughters that their standard of living will be commensurate with their income and their efforts: not mine. They are now adults. I will treat them like adults and I expect them to behave like adults. Unfortunately their mother when they were teenagers gave them too much authority and no responsibility.

The decisions of your daughters/mother are now biting them for the rest of their lives...don't you think that if you had of done something different (I have NO idea what that might be) - that things might have turned out more positively ?
I 100% do wonder if this particular generation are being rail roaded into situations like your daughters now find them selves - I know SO many 25's and under that are locked in to live with their parents, have no willingness to work, nor want for that matter...and I am dreading the thought of my kids walking down this same path of welfare and basic existing...

[PaddyT]

Gees tough one Tassie, could you get the Dr who wanted the blood test to call the mother to explain that its "kinda serious" , and the test has to be done, youd think she's at least interested in the childs welfare

[brett1868]

Gees tough one Tassie, could you get the Dr who wanted the blood test to call the mother to explain that its "kinda serious" , and the test has to be done, youd think she's at least interested in the childs welfare

Great idea and my thoughts exactly and at least the ex hears it from a independent party. Maybe ask her to take the young fella to a Dr of her choice for a 2nd opinion. What I do with my son is explain it to him what is required and why we think it's important along with the consequences of not proceeding. The boy has always made the right decision because he realises that it's better to know for sure then to worry about what might be.


Whether its advice about a firearm or experiences raising kids, this is a forum and wouldn't exist if everyone had all the answers to every question.

[Sergeant Hartman]

Tassie, mate I do see the kids of now-a-days and am also worried. Maybe I get lucky and have good kids... well that's my hope, but my worry is it might not happen.

Maybe it's a plan to keep them amused and easily under control. But surely there will come a time when there are less people who pay taxes (maybe as the are less jobs) and then this whole system of welfare will fall.

On a similar note, too many people and young adults are on hard drugs, even research tells us that these drugs permanently alter the chemical composition of the brain, many people including many young adults think its harmless experimentation, even with many deaths due to over doses.

[TassieTiger]

Gees tough one Tassie, could you get the Dr who wanted the blood test to call the mother to explain that its "kinda serious" , and the test has to be done, youd think she's at least interested in the childs welfare

Great idea and my thoughts exactly and at least the ex hears it from a independent party. Maybe ask her to take the young fella to a Dr of her choice for a 2nd opinion. What I do with my son is explain it to him what is required and why we think it's important along with the consequences of not proceeding. The boy has always made the right decision because he realises that it's better to know for sure then to worry about what might be.


Whether its advice about a firearm or experiences raising kids, this is a forum and wouldn't exist if everyone had all the answers to every question.

So my advice today is that the mother did in fact have the dr call said 14yr and explained to him why the tests had to happen - he apparently even went as far as offering the thumb prick test to check for diabetes as an interim offering rather than going the entire blood test right now (heaven help him if he needs a quartizone joint injection or knee drain needle or spinal block lol) and he told the Dr “no” and hung up on him...

[Bruiser64]

My youngest daughter is 20, still lives with her mother and is long term unemployed and is totally financially dependent on her mother. Her mother has clearly reaped what she has sown. My daughter knows me very well. I have left her in no doubt that asking me to subsidise her standard of living will only end in tears. I have consistently stated to both my daughters that their standard of living will be commensurate with their income and their efforts: not mine. They are now adults. I will treat them like adults and I expect them to behave like adults. Unfortunately their mother when they were teenagers gave them too much authority and no responsibility.

The decisions of your daughters/mother are now biting them for the rest of their lives...don't you think that if you had of done something different (I have NO idea what that might be) - that things might have turned out more positively ?
I 100% do wonder if this particular generation are being rail roaded into situations like your daughters now find them selves - I know SO many 25's and under that are locked in to live with their parents, have no willingness to work, nor want for that matter...and I am dreading the thought of my kids walking down this same path of welfare and basic existing...

Hi Tas, that is an excellent question. The answer to which is: I don’t know. The challenge that I faced was there was a very stark difference in expectation. I believed it was important for my daughters future that she went to school, pushed through difficulty, did her homework, try to build a network of friends: crazy stuff like that. Unfortunately her mother wouldn’t push her to do anything. She kept promoting the idea there was an easier, softer way. It is quite sad to see. Having said all that, I get in quite well with both my daughters and see them regularly. In fact I am going out driving with my daughter tonight so she can get night driving logbook hours.

The issue is you can’t live someone else’s life for them. You can provide boundaries, show your kids you love them, provide guidance and support. But at the end of it all, they will make their own choices.

[bigfellascott]

What's the blood test for TT?

[TassieTiger]

I wasn’t going to post what the blood test was for just in case a dim witted ex brother stalks the site...but honestly, i think it matters not anymore.

My son was born with one kidney.
Over the last 2-3 months he has begun drinking excessive amounts of water...as in 3 litres per meal.
We went to a restaurant and he drank all of their 1.5l bottles they had prepped for the sitting.
I’ve seen him drink 7 x 500ml glasses of water with a large packet of twisters...he’d consume 7-9 litres a day.

So given his birth defect, he must be in reasonable danger of being exposed to water toxicity (ppl die from this), he would be flushing his system of required nutrients and of course - there is the possible onset of diabetes.

[PaddyT]

I find the response of your ex wife a bit amazing, surely she realises the seriousness of your boys potential problem, using it to blackmail you is pretty low , thats for sure!

[bigfellascott]

I wasn’t going to post what the blood test was for just in case a dim witted ex brother stalks the site...but honestly, i think it matters not anymore.

My son was born with one kidney.
Over the last 2-3 months he has begun drinking excessive amounts of water...as in 3 litres per meal.
We went to a restaurant and he drank all of their 1.5l bottles they had prepped for the sitting.
I’ve seen him drink 7 x 500ml glasses of water with a large packet of twisters...he’d consume 7-9 litres a day.

So given his birth defect, he must be in reasonable danger of being exposed to water toxicity (ppl die from this), he would be flushing his system of required nutrients and of course - there is the possible onset of diabetes.

Thanks for that TT, that puts the whole story into a more understandable context for me. So the blood test is not some sort of trival test (to see if theres some sort of virus or infection) it's for some potential serious health issues and the wife still doesn't get it? FMD some women are just born plain simple (Just got rid of one 5mth ago so know what you are dealing with to some degree) I guess talk to the Doctor and see what he can advise ie if it can be court ordered for the protection of the child etc) clearly it's not something that should be ignored I wouldn't think so see what the Doc says and go from there I guess.

Good luck with it all mate

[womble]

op
stand your ground. stick to your descision.
he's 14 and will keep "hating" you for many more years yet.
but you have to show him what a man does and is.
say what you do and do what you say.

he will change his mind every two weeks about everything for the next 3-4 years.
you don't get that luxury, you set an example.

he won't grow up for many more years yet, but if theres one thing he knows you for let it be your strength and resolve.
one day he will wear your shoes and he will need your example to reflect on.
unfortunately it's only then he will understand your love.

don't misunderstand, i am not say be forceful. he needs to make his own choices.
i'm saying do not negotiate or compromise your position.

[TassieTiger]

op
stand your ground. stick to your descision.
he's 14 and will keep "hating" you for many more years yet.
but you have to show him what a man does and is.
say what you do and do what you say.

he will change his mind every two weeks about everything for the next 3-4 years.
you don't get that luxury, you set an example.

he won't grow up for many more years yet, but if theres one thing he knows you for let it be your strength and resolve.
one day he will wear your shoes and he will need your example to reflect on.
unfortunately it's only then he will understand your love.

don't misunderstand, i am not say be forceful. he needs to make his own choices.
i'm saying do not negotiate or compromise your position.

Appreciate your comments. And yes - It is what I am doing.
I have not seen him nor heard from him since this all started.
I've spoken to a number of counselors, teachers, Dr's, school principals, other members on here whom have endured similar things...
It's strange and I dont want to start a sexiest war or anything - but 50% of the female counselors I have spoken to have said to given in and deal with it later...but when I've then turned the question to - well what then happens, if he doesnt want to take the rubbish out and he threatens the same...they give me a quizzical - deal with that individually...dont they see that it's exactly the same thing ? One school counselor was horrified that I referred to it as black mail...and had hoped that I had no used hat word with my son...ummm yeah, ok - bye.

[womble]

best of luck, you sound like a great father.
i've two teenagers myself, so i hear you.
it's so hard i know. but i'm just plodding through with calm and assertive. the emotionless unflinching rock in a household of chaos.
all i know is never doubt yourself and hang in there.
i've a 22 year old also. they come out the end of the tunnel eventually and realize it was you who was there for them all along no matter what.
i've never chased after mine when they've strayed, but when they think everyone else has let them down im always still there.
( i always win in the end )