Joke Thread :lol:

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 10 Mar 2021, 4:21 pm

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.

Bob Hope
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 10 Mar 2021, 4:39 pm

JUST A SIMPLE QUESTION



A virile middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile,

"So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied,

"No."



Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked,

"You finish??"



Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said,

"No."



Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again.

Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.



Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping.

Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly, and asked again,

"You finish???"



Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear . .

"No . . I Norwegian."
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by BangWhizzClack » 10 Mar 2021, 5:01 pm

Did the other one get deleted?
Isn't it about time we get some gun rights?

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 18 Mar 2021, 8:16 am

Having another baby

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so

I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,

and I said, "Nothing."

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 20 Mar 2021, 6:45 pm

:lol: How do politicians lie?


Ever wondered how politicians sleep at night?


Its pretty simple- first they lie on the one side, then they lie on the other side.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by womble » 03 Apr 2021, 5:30 pm

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 03 Apr 2021, 8:11 pm

Marriage

Two eggs who had been childhood sweethearts decided to marry. On the first night of the honeymoon the lady decided to vamp things up a bit so decked herself out with a see through nightie. Mr egg walked into the room, took one look, turned turtle, and went out the door. He returned a couple of minutes later with a motor bike helmet on his head. His wife looked at him with total amazement,

"What on earth have you got that on for?" say she.

"Well its like this. The last time I got this hard some bastard hit me over the head with a spoon".

Sorry folks!!!!!!
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 11 Apr 2021, 9:50 pm

Reflections on Covid :D

Points to ponder!
· Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
· I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
· I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
· Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom
· PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
· Home-schooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
· I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
· This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
· So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?
· Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
· My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
· Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
· I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
· I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Living room.
· Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
· Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 12 Apr 2021, 3:37 pm

Wedding night :D

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.
They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the groom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet?!
Your toes look all mangled and weird!! Why are your feet so gross?!!
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio? she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing.

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
"What's wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
Rolling her eyes she said ..
"Don't tell me .. hmmm.. Let me guess.. you had Smallcox
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Die Judicii » 12 Apr 2021, 8:45 pm

Oldbloke wrote:Wedding night :D

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.
They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the groom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet?!
Your toes look all mangled and weird!! Why are your feet so gross?!!
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio? she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing.

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
"What's wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
Rolling her eyes she said ..
"Don't tell me .. hmmm.. Let me guess.. you had Smallcox


Or,,,,,,,,, Dicktheria
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Die Judicii » 12 Apr 2021, 8:45 pm

Oldbloke wrote:Wedding night :D

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.
They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the groom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet?!
Your toes look all mangled and weird!! Why are your feet so gross?!!
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio? she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing.

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
"What's wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
Rolling her eyes she said ..
"Don't tell me .. hmmm.. Let me guess.. you had Smallcox


Or,,,,,,,,, Dicktheria
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 13 Apr 2021, 11:05 pm

Must be thirsty. Lol

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by bah! » 19 Apr 2021, 4:39 pm

Who else went all in?
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by bah! » 25 Apr 2021, 8:37 pm

This Modern World has been star material since somewhere in the early '90s I guess?
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 26 Apr 2021, 6:33 pm

The Perfect Husband.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to
talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: Hello
WOMAN: Hi Honey, its me. Are you at the club?
MAN: Yes.
WOMAN: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its
only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?
MAN: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
WOMAN: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked.
MAN: How much?
WOMAN: $90,000. ;
MAN: OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. Theyre
asking $980,000 for it.
MAN: Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. Theyll probably
take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if its what you
really want.
WOMAN: OK. Ill see you later! I love you so much!
MAN: Bye! I love you, too.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks,
Anyone know whos phone this is?.
Good manners are free. Hunt safe, look after the bush & plug more pests. :thumbsup: The greatest invention in the history of man is beer. :drinks: Text alone does not convey the full message. Practice good hygiene.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Blr243 » 26 Apr 2021, 7:16 pm

That camo head looks ridiculous but if u look closer, someone has actually done a real neat paint job of it ......but I still think it’s unlikely to be my next new hairstyle
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by cz515 » 27 Apr 2021, 6:56 am

That guy has no head.... its that what happens when you smoke
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 01 May 2021, 7:44 pm

lndian

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.
"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by womble » 04 May 2021, 4:08 am

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 05 May 2021, 10:52 pm

Home Security

Now that I'm older, slower and on a fixed income, I've disconnected my home alarm system.

I also decided to turn off my external lights and resigned from Neighbourhood Watch.

To save money I've raised 2 Pakistani flags in my front garden, one at each corner and have the black flag of ISIS in the centre.

Its so good now, my neighbours, Local Police, the Federal Police and the Armed Forces are all keeping watch on the house 24/7. In addition, I am followed & watched everywhere I go. I've never felt safer, and I'm saving $149.50 a month!
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 10 May 2021, 8:13 pm

I like this. Lol

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 11 May 2021, 10:59 pm

Good manners are free. Hunt safe, look after the bush & plug more pests. :thumbsup: The greatest invention in the history of man is beer. :drinks: Text alone does not convey the full message. Practice good hygiene.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 11 May 2021, 11:05 pm

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets
a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts
grinning from ear to ear, then when he disconnects he shouts to the
barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.
The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd
around keen to know what they are celebrating.
"Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland
baby boy weighing 25 pounds".
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland .
Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations
of "STREWTH" and "BLOODY HELL!" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the same bar. The barman
says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed
25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about
how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much
does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers: "17 pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed
25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold
beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly
says, "We had him circumcised!"
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Bello » 13 May 2021, 1:33 pm

only in America..
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 13 May 2021, 4:27 pm

Bello wrote:only in America..


Lol
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 25 May 2021, 3:20 pm

BAD DREAM

Man went to the doctors ,

Doctor said " Whats up and how can I help you today"?

He said ,"well Doctor I keep having this dream ,where these beautiful girls keep running to me ,wanting me and I keep pushing them away!!"

"Well" said the doctor ," what would you like me to do?"

Break both my arms!
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 30 May 2021, 3:27 pm

The girls can only dream. Lol

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by LawrenceA » 30 May 2021, 6:35 pm

2 Irishmen owned a pub but it was not doing to well.
Pat said to Michael.
"Michael, the pub's not doin too well. perhaps we should open a brothel upstairs?"
Micheal replied "Don't be daft! If we can't make money selling beer how the hell will we make money selling broth?"
One well placed shot is all it takes.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by womble » 01 Jun 2021, 4:08 pm

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by cz515 » 01 Jun 2021, 5:37 pm

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