Joke Thread :lol:

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 25 Apr 2022, 6:11 am

Cheapest meat out is deer balls................... ........they're under a buck.................... .....

I'll have moar money saving tips in the future.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 25 Apr 2022, 6:33 am

Sex after death.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"

"Is that you, Frank?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Scotland"
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by womble » 26 Apr 2022, 4:32 am

I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by womble » 26 Apr 2022, 5:53 pm

I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 26 Apr 2022, 6:38 pm

A sensitive waitress

A friend and I went out to dinner at a restaurant the other night. We sat down and the waitress handed us menus. She said she'd come back in 5 minutes to take our orders.

When the waitress returned, I said to her, "Can I ask you something about the menu please?"

She slapped my face and said, "The men I please is none of your business!"
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by NTSOG » 27 Apr 2022, 6:43 am

@ womble: Eating hot chili peppers: I understand that drinking water makes the pain worse, whereas milk reduces the pain. Silly girls; they knew [sort of] what they were doing.

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by cz515 » 27 Apr 2022, 6:59 am

NTSOG wrote:@ womble: Eating hot chili peppers: I understand that drinking water makes the pain worse, whereas milk reduces the pain. Silly girls; they knew [sort of] what they were doing.

Jim

s**t even my primary school aged son knows that.

But simple point though... which ppl shouldn't eat Carolina reapers..... esp if they haven't got any tolerance to chilli
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Sarco » 30 Apr 2022, 9:36 pm

Stolen from another forum
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 04 May 2022, 8:26 pm

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies,
'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says,
'Why don't you go home for the
day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here.
I need to keep my mind off it &
I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde.
'I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too!'
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 07 May 2022, 5:38 pm

Listen to the Indian commentary. Lol

https://youtu.be/QxgWD8XcO_c
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 29 May 2022, 10:54 am

To my friends who:

enjoy a glass of wine, and those who don't ,
and are always seen with a bottle of water
in their hand,

Ben Franklin said:

"In wine there is wisdom,

In beer there is freedom,

In water there is bacteria."



In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that
if we drink 1 litre of water each day,
at the end of the year we would
have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli,
(E.. Coli) bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.



However,

We do NOT run that risk
when drinking wine and beer (or rum, whiskey or other liquor)

because alcohol has to go through a purification process
of boiling, filtering and fermenting.



Remember:

Water = Poop,

Wine = Health



Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,

than to drink water and be full of ****.



VERIFICATION:

BOTH THE HOUSE AND SENATE
DRINK A LOT OF WATER WHILE IN SESSION.

THIS EXPLAINS THE RESULTS THEREIN . . . .



There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

I'm doing it as a public service.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 29 May 2022, 11:01 am

Steve was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

Steve burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I cant stand to see a man crying. Whats your problem?"



"This is the worst day of my life," Steve says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman and then my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all .I buy a drink, drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?"
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Die Judicii » 29 May 2022, 8:49 pm

A weedy little Japanese tourist got into a serious disagreement with a Biker at a pub.
The tourist challenged the biker to "step out the back" into the carpark.
There followed sounds of the fight that was clearly heard from within the bar.

A few minutes later the little tourist re entered seemingly unscathed, and took a seat at the bar,,, while the Biker dragged himself in and
was battered, bruised and bleeding.

Patrons gathered around him and asked How did you manage to do that ?

Easy, the tourist said,,,,, Imperial School of Karate, 1958.

Half an hour later, the Biker challenged the tourist to a rematch,,,,,,,,,, so they headed back out to the carpark.

Moments later the sounds of a mighty battle filled the bar,,,,,,,,, whereupon the Biker returned with a grin and ordered a beer.
The tourist limped back in with bruises and abrasions all over.

The patrons asked the Biker how he had managed to win this round,,,,,,,,,
The Biker replied,,,,
Easy,, Harley Davidson Drive Chain,, 1953
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by womble » 08 Jun 2022, 7:02 pm

Doctor: You have cancer and Alzheimer's

Patient: At least I don’t have cancer.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by womble » 09 Jun 2022, 5:10 pm

Image
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by womble » 19 Jun 2022, 3:15 am

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 30 Jun 2022, 9:11 pm

I tripped over on my wife's bra this morning.

Obviously it was a booby trap.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 02 Jul 2022, 2:23 pm

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 02 Jul 2022, 3:17 pm

Lol. True
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 03 Jul 2022, 9:57 am

I think I've been to this doctor....

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 03 Jul 2022, 4:02 pm

Putin's mother goes to the family doctor and tells him she's ashamed of being a weak old lady, "What would the peopke think?"

The doctor explained that at her age it's only natural.
She insists he do something;

"The Russian athletes take hormones to make them stronger, give me testosterone!" she demanded.

"Madam, testosterone is a male hormone, I'd have to give you very large doses to overcome your female hormones" replied the doctor.

"Well then give me as much as you give my Vladimir to overcome his female hormones" she insisted.

The doctor, now visibly pale, tried once more, "But Madam, please, that large a dosage would have unwanted side effects".

"If there are effects, you will fix"

Knowing when he was beaten the doctor gave her a large injection and a prescription for a regular supply and told her to come to him personally if there was anything unusual.

Two months later the doctor finds her in his waiting room again.

"Doctor, you were right about the side effects, I have hair growing in a very peculiar place."

Thinking with relief that at least it was something simple the doctor asked the old lady where the hair was growing.

"On my balls doctor."
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 04 Jul 2022, 3:40 pm

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 04 Jul 2022, 5:19 pm

G'day Oldbloke,

Just thought I'd check, are you ok with me posting the occasional joke in a meme or photo rather than prose on your joke thread?

:drinks:
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 04 Jul 2022, 6:48 pm

Lazarus wrote:G'day Oldbloke,

Just thought I'd check, are you ok with me posting the occasional joke in a meme or photo rather than prose on your joke thread?

:drinks:


Go for it mate.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 04 Jul 2022, 7:43 pm

Thanks mate,

I think I feel one coming now....


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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 05 Jul 2022, 5:38 pm

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 06 Jul 2022, 1:30 pm

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by MtnMan » 06 Jul 2022, 5:27 pm

At the federal election I drew a cock and balls on the ballot paper.


He won.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 06 Jul 2022, 5:48 pm

MtnMan wrote:At the federal election I drew a cock and balls on the ballot paper...


Whose?
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by cz515 » 06 Jul 2022, 5:51 pm

MtnMan wrote:At the federal election I drew a cock and balls on the ballot paper.


He won.

I am doubt that your vote was even accepted. As all of them look the same
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