Joke Thread :lol:

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 30 May 2023, 9:28 am

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Courage is knowing it might
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Bad R2D2

Post by rossfrb » 30 May 2023, 3:44 pm

Never realised these things had a voice activated manual override.
Apparently you have to say NO at least four times though...
https://imgur.com/gallery/VxnDqms
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Re: Bad R2D2

Post by Lazarus » 30 May 2023, 4:39 pm

rossfrb wrote:Never realised these things had a voice activated manual override.
Apparently you have to say NO at least four times though...
https://imgur.com/gallery/VxnDqms


:lol: :clap:

Looks like an inappropriately excited R2D2
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Stupidity is the same
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 31 May 2023, 8:25 am

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Courage is knowing it might
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Stupidity is the same
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And that's why life is hard
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 01 Jun 2023, 9:34 am

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Courage is knowing it might
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Stupidity is the same
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 02 Jun 2023, 9:59 am

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Courage is knowing it might
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Stupidity is the same
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And that's why life is hard
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 02 Jun 2023, 5:53 pm

An elderly gentleman went to the Dr for his check up .
The Dr comments that he is in great shape , fit and healthy .
"How does he manage to keep himself that well ?"
"Well," says the gentleman "we have sex almost every day ! "
"Wow really that’s astounding" says the Dr!
"Yes we almost have it on Mondays , almost on Tuesdays , almost on Wednesdays and so the week goes on...."
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 02 Jun 2023, 5:57 pm

:clap:

I almost laughed :drinks:
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Stupidity is the same
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 02 Jun 2023, 5:59 pm

Just between us OB, I only ever have oral sex.


All I ever get to do is talk about it :violin:
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Stupidity is the same
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 03 Jun 2023, 8:43 am

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Courage is knowing it might
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Stupidity is the same
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 04 Jun 2023, 4:41 am

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Courage is knowing it might
hurt, and doing it anyway.
Stupidity is the same
.
And that's why life is hard
User avatar
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 05 Jun 2023, 9:43 am

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Courage is knowing it might
hurt, and doing it anyway.
Stupidity is the same
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And that's why life is hard
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 06 Jun 2023, 9:19 am

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Courage is knowing it might
hurt, and doing it anyway.
Stupidity is the same
.
And that's why life is hard
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 07 Jun 2023, 8:19 am

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Courage is knowing it might
hurt, and doing it anyway.
Stupidity is the same
.
And that's why life is hard
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 07 Jun 2023, 7:12 pm

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.

He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 07 Jun 2023, 7:18 pm

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison.
While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.
He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.
Suddenly he got up and left the room.
As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 07 Jun 2023, 8:22 pm

The Drover at the Pearly Gates..

A drover from a huge cattle station in the outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered.
"Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales , I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the sh#t out of the lot of ya!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"A couple of minutes ago"
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 07 Jun 2023, 8:32 pm

The drunk.

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The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 07 Jun 2023, 8:38 pm

Rolf

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The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 08 Jun 2023, 7:01 am

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The list I keep by the front door

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Courage is knowing it might
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Stupidity is the same
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And that's why life is hard
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Jackaroo » 09 Jun 2023, 9:37 am

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 09 Jun 2023, 9:46 am

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Courage is knowing it might
hurt, and doing it anyway.
Stupidity is the same
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And that's why life is hard
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 10 Jun 2023, 8:23 am

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Courage is knowing it might
hurt, and doing it anyway.
Stupidity is the same
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And that's why life is hard
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 11 Jun 2023, 8:26 am

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Courage is knowing it might
hurt, and doing it anyway.
Stupidity is the same
.
And that's why life is hard
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 12 Jun 2023, 8:17 am

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Courage is knowing it might
hurt, and doing it anyway.
Stupidity is the same
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And that's why life is hard
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 12 Jun 2023, 3:50 pm

Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter.

He grew up in the old West.

As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find.

His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero.

One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and two pistols.

He went home and every day he went out behind his barn, and practiced shooting.

After two weeks he was getting to be quite a good shot and he decided it was time to show off.

He put on his black clothes and hat, strapped on his guns and rode into town.

When he walked into the saloon, standing at the bar he saw Billy the Kidd.

He was so excited! He walked up and said, "Mr. Kidd, I am your biggest fan.

I have always wanted to be just like you. Look at me. Do I look like a gunfighter?"

Billy looked him over and said, "Well, you have the right clothes and you have a nice black hat, and I see you rode up on a black horse. But, can you shoot?"

Marvin looked around the room and said, "See that piano player over there?"

He drew his pistol and fired, shooting the cufflink off the piano player's shirt.

Billy said, "Not bad. Can you shoot with your left hand? A gunfighter's got to be able to shoot with both hands."

Marvin drew his other pistol and fired, shooting off the piano player's other cufflink.

Billy said, "That's mighty fine shooting. I just have one piece of advice for you."

Marvin was bubbling with excitement, "What is it? What else should I do?"

Billy spoke slowly, "Well, go back into the kitchen there and get a big tub of lard. Take both of your pistols and rub them around in the lard, get them good and slick."

Marvin was puzzled. He asked, "Why is that important? What good will rubbing my pistols in lard do?"

Billy replied, "It won't help your shooting at all, but when Wyatt Earp finishes playing the piano over there he's going to shove both of your pistols up your ass."
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 12 Jun 2023, 3:53 pm

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 12 Jun 2023, 4:03 pm

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket, can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with a body like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!"
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 12 Jun 2023, 4:04 pm

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The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 12 Jun 2023, 5:47 pm

Two blokes talking and one says to the other, "Where's your missus tonight?"

"She's gone on holidays to the Caribbean" replied the other.

"Jamaica?" asked the first bloke.

"Nah" said the second bloke " it was her fukking mother's idea"
Courage is knowing it might
hurt, and doing it anyway.
Stupidity is the same
.
And that's why life is hard
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