Joke Thread :lol:

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Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 02 Aug 2019, 9:01 pm

I cant find the old thread, so started another. This is an oldie but a goody. :lol: :lol:

"After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit’s, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: “American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British”.

One week later, the state’s Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia, reported the following:

“After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia’s Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f**k all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless.”

Just makes you bloody proud to be Australian."

:lol:
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by CrackThump » 02 Aug 2019, 9:16 pm

HAAAAA.... Gold...

Im stealing this as my go to joke of the week.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Stix » 02 Aug 2019, 9:23 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Thats a cracker OB...!!!
Havnt heard that one before...

Glad you put it up...i needed a laugh...!!
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Chappo » 03 Aug 2019, 12:44 am

:lol: good one , I’m gunna use that!
Did you know that copper wire was invented by two Jews fighting over a penny! Fun fact..... ;)
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Farmerpete » 03 Aug 2019, 5:36 pm

That was a good one heres another

A mute sees his mate on the street who he also knows to be mute and taps his mate on the shoulder and signs how are you, his mate spoke and said good he explained he could now talk now due to a miracle doctor and gave him the details so off the first guy went. After a thorough checkup the doctor said i can help and we will start straight away as long as he did exactly as he was told no questions asked he agreed quickly. The doctor told him to strip off and put his head in the box on the doctors desk puzzled but wanting to learn how to talk the guy agreed the bloke was standing there cold naked head in a pitch black box and the doctor grabbed a broomstick and stuck it up the mutes bum. Aaaaargh he screamed the doctor replied very good next week we work on b :lol:
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by TassieTiger » 04 Aug 2019, 12:57 am

Chappo wrote::lol: good one , I’m gunna use that!
Did you know that copper wire was invented by two Jews fighting over a penny! Fun fact..... ;)


Fun fact no 2 - wireless tech (spreadspectrim) was invented by some really hot Sheila in the 50’s (heady Lamar), but because she was so hot and had an unfortunate first name, her inventions were pretty much dismissed until much later...
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Kelsey Cooter » 04 Aug 2019, 6:58 am

Paddy buys himself a thermos flask and takes it to work the next day.

At lunchtime he proudly pulls it out and Mick asks 'what ya got there Paddy?'

'It's a thermos flask' replies Paddy

'So whats it do then Paddy?' Mick asked

'It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold' replies Paddy

'Well that sounds fantastic' says Mick 'what have you got in it?'

Paddy smiles proudly and says,
'Two cups of coffee and an ice cream'
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Eoin » 04 Aug 2019, 7:27 pm

A lady in the far west of Ireland, in Connemara, goes to the doctor and says, "I want to go on the Pill".

"But', says the Doc, "you're 70 aren't you?"

"I'm 72."

"Well, Mrs O'Flaithbheartaigh, haven't you heard of the menopause?"

"Of course I have, but himself has got some o' them Niagra tablets an' he's a man o' pause no longer!"
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by on_one_wheel » 05 Aug 2019, 9:54 pm

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon(02)879240" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the password has to be at least 5 characters and must include a capital and a number "
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by mickb » 06 Aug 2019, 12:07 pm

You wake up in a strange hotel with no memory how you got there.Poised around the bed you see Kim Jong il, a king cobra and a Lawyer. You find a loaded revolver with only two cartridges in it. What do you do?

Shoot the lawyer twice! Some things you can't be too careful of!
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Stix » 06 Aug 2019, 12:39 pm

Two irish gays...

Michael Fitzpatric...
And his boyfriend, Patric Fitz Michael...
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by xDom » 09 Aug 2019, 3:00 pm

A woman is looking at herself in front of the mirror, she says to her husband “I’ve got wrinkles, bags under my eyes and I’m overweight.. tell me something good about myself..”

Husband replies “ Well... there’s bugger all wrong with your eyesight”.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by ramshackle » 13 Aug 2019, 6:27 am

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by on_one_wheel » 13 Aug 2019, 8:50 am

Little Johny was sent home for the weekend with a project.

The students were asked to work out how to use the word contagious in a sentence.

Little Johnny spent the weekend with his father.
When he return to school his students were asked one by one to use the word contagious in a sentence.

Little Johnny patiently waited his turn,

"Johnny, how can you use the word contagious in a sentence?" The teacher asked.

Little Johnny said, "Miss, Dad and I were driving around in the car when we seen a truck full of tomatoes rollover on a on a bend, there were tomatoes everywhere right across the road!
Dad said to me," it's gonna take that cnutages to pick up all them tomatoes!""
Last edited by on_one_wheel on 13 Aug 2019, 12:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by trekin » 13 Aug 2019, 10:19 am

on_one_wheel wrote:Little Johny was sent home for the weekend with a project.

The students were asked to work out how to use the word contagious in a sentence.

Little Johnny spent the weekend with his father.
When he return to school his students were asked one by one to use the word contagious in a sentence.

Little Johnny patiently waited his turn,

"Johnny, how can you use the word contagious in a sentence?" The teacher asked.

Little Johnny said, "Miss, Dad and I were driving around in the car when we seen a truck full of tomatoes rollover on a on a bend, there were tomatoes everywhere right across the road!
Dad said to me," it's gonna take that c*** ages to pick up all them tomatoes!""

There, fixed the punchline for you.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Sergeant Hartman » 13 Aug 2019, 11:55 am

Haha Haha trekin lovely pickup there.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by on_one_wheel » 13 Aug 2019, 12:30 pm

Dam auto correct ... it's bad that my phone knows the C word, I'l go back and edit it
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 13 Aug 2019, 5:57 pm

Clowns.jpg
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Sergeant Hartman » 13 Aug 2019, 6:37 pm

So two cowboys got lost in the desert, hungry and thirsty they we're nearly done... until one saw a tree covered in bacon.

"Look, that's a bacon tree, we are saved" he said and started running towards it. Just as he reaches the tree he got shot down in a hail of bullets.

With his last dying breath he yelled to the other cowboy, "it's not a bacon tree, it's a ham bush"
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Chappo » 13 Aug 2019, 7:14 pm

Here’s a wholesome game to play along with your family and friends....
(Not really a joke but I was told this one today and it’s kinda fun)

Think of a movie title and replace the last word with the word cvnt.
I’ll start....
Mad cvnt, mad cvnt 2, etc.
My big fat Greek cvnt
Beverly Hills cvnt
A fist full of cvnts (classic Eastwood)

And don’t forget the kids movies....
Snow White and the seven cvnts
The lion cvnt
Little red riding cvnt.........
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 15 Aug 2019, 7:16 pm

The Affairs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One summer day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'



The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'



The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'



The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'



The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'



The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work'
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 15 Aug 2019, 10:24 pm

rooster.jpg
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Stix » 15 Aug 2019, 11:13 pm

I dont want to derail a good joke telling thread....but i have to share this...

The following is not a joke...but is the link to a vid i got sent a long long long time ago...& i have to say, for me its one of the funniest short clips ive ever seen...

I just laugh so hard at it, i have to watch it a few times over...& ive got tears now from watching it again...
"You're gonna have to quit doing that..."... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I hope you all get a good kackle out of it too...

https://youtu.be/Z154yhLoS78
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by TassieTiger » 16 Aug 2019, 1:51 pm

This - if real, is hilarious...
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uV-I0S28ogc
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by ramshackle » 17 Aug 2019, 7:07 am

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by ramshackle » 17 Aug 2019, 7:10 am

I love this American stuff. I come from the US, BTW

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by ramshackle » 17 Aug 2019, 7:24 am

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Are you triggered :D
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by TassieTiger » 17 Aug 2019, 11:20 am

ramshackle wrote:I love this American stuff. I come from the US, BTW [/img]


You can tell lol
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by ramshackle » 17 Aug 2019, 4:03 pm

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Chappo » 07 Nov 2019, 10:43 pm

Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory?.....
My uncle put one up my arse once and I’ll never forget it!
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