Joke Thread :lol:

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Sergeant Hartman » 13 Aug 2019, 6:37 pm

So two cowboys got lost in the desert, hungry and thirsty they we're nearly done... until one saw a tree covered in bacon.

"Look, that's a bacon tree, we are saved" he said and started running towards it. Just as he reaches the tree he got shot down in a hail of bullets.

With his last dying breath he yelled to the other cowboy, "it's not a bacon tree, it's a ham bush"
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Chappo » 13 Aug 2019, 7:14 pm

Here’s a wholesome game to play along with your family and friends....
(Not really a joke but I was told this one today and it’s kinda fun)

Think of a movie title and replace the last word with the word cvnt.
I’ll start....
Mad cvnt, mad cvnt 2, etc.
My big fat Greek cvnt
Beverly Hills cvnt
A fist full of cvnts (classic Eastwood)

And don’t forget the kids movies....
Snow White and the seven cvnts
The lion cvnt
Little red riding cvnt.........
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 15 Aug 2019, 7:16 pm

The Affairs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One summer day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'



The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'



The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'



The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'



The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'



The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work'
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 15 Aug 2019, 10:24 pm

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The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Stix » 15 Aug 2019, 11:13 pm

I dont want to derail a good joke telling thread....but i have to share this...

The following is not a joke...but is the link to a vid i got sent a long long long time ago...& i have to say, for me its one of the funniest short clips ive ever seen...

I just laugh so hard at it, i have to watch it a few times over...& ive got tears now from watching it again...
"You're gonna have to quit doing that..."... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I hope you all get a good kackle out of it too...

https://youtu.be/Z154yhLoS78
The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by TassieTiger » 16 Aug 2019, 1:51 pm

This - if real, is hilarious...
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uV-I0S28ogc
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by ramshackle » 17 Aug 2019, 7:07 am

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by ramshackle » 17 Aug 2019, 7:10 am

I love this American stuff. I come from the US, BTW

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by ramshackle » 17 Aug 2019, 7:24 am

Image

Are you triggered :D
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by TassieTiger » 17 Aug 2019, 11:20 am

ramshackle wrote:I love this American stuff. I come from the US, BTW [/img]


You can tell lol
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by ramshackle » 17 Aug 2019, 4:03 pm

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Chappo » 07 Nov 2019, 10:43 pm

Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory?.....
My uncle put one up my arse once and I’ll never forget it!
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Harrynsw » 08 Nov 2019, 8:33 am

Last night 2 men were arrested for the theft of batteries and fireworks, but before police intervened 1 ate the batteries and 1 are the fireworks...they charged 1 guy and let the other guy go
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Stix » 08 Nov 2019, 9:00 am

Chappo wrote:Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory?.....
My uncle put one up my arse once and I’ll never forget it!

:o
And you believed it was a cucumber... :unknown:

:drinks:
:lol:
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Sergeant Hartman » 08 Nov 2019, 11:07 am

It was long and it was dark.... and he was young.. Let him think that it was a cucumber.

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Harrynsw » 12 Mar 2020, 11:28 pm

Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut out ? He's alright now.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by KMA » 12 Mar 2020, 11:51 pm

Did you hear about the gay hunters out in the woods stalking each other.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 07 May 2020, 10:56 pm

In the outback town of Lingalonga things are tough, most people are out of work because of the virus and just about everyone is living on credit.

A government official is driving through town, stops at the hotel-motel and says he wants to inspect the rooms as he was planning to stay for the night. He put a $100 deposit on the counter and heads upstairs to check out the rooms.

As soon as he is out of sight, the motel-hotel owner grabs the $100 and runs next door to pay off his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and heads off to pay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmers takes the $100, runs across the street to pay off his feed bill with the local Co-op.

The manager of the Co-op takes the $100 runs down the back lane and pays off the local prostitute.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with motel owner.

The owner the places the $100 back on the counter just as the government official returns and picks up the $100, telling the owner that none of the rooms were satisfactory and he would stay somewhere else.

Now, no one produced anything, no one earned anything, however the motel owner, the butcher, the farmer, the owner of the Co-op and the prostitute are now out of debt and looking forward to a bright future with a great feal more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a "Stimulus Package" works.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Ziege » 08 May 2020, 12:07 am

Blokes walking down the main drag and sees his ex wife in the pub with her new bloke, he's in the mood to stirr some trouble so he waltzes in and sidles up to the new bloke and says,

"hey mate, how's the second hand pussy?"

Without any hesitation at all the new bloke replies

"Bloody awesome mate, after the first two inches it's like brand new!"
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Ziege » 08 May 2020, 12:16 am

Did you know









That pigeons die after sex?








Well....













The one I fúcked did anyway.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Ziege » 08 May 2020, 12:20 am

Sitting out front of the beer garden when this shiela walks past so I tap me mate on the shoulder and say,

"Geez I'd give her one!"

She turns around and comes back and says

"I heard that and just so you know I wouldn't have sex with you if you were the last man alive"

Confused I looked at her and said

"What the fúck ya on about ya silly bítch? I was giving ya 1 out of 10"
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by TassieTiger » 08 May 2020, 9:38 am

Absolute Gold. On hold with our wonderful, and world class, efficient and very popular, human services/Csa and those 3 bought me to Hysterical laughter....who knows, I might even be courteous to the monkey who answers now.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Die Judicii » 09 May 2020, 9:00 pm

Ziege wrote:Blokes walking down the main drag and sees his ex wife in the pub with her new bloke, he's in the mood to stirr some trouble so he waltzes in and sidles up to the new bloke and says,

"hey mate, how's the second hand pussy?"

Without any hesitation at all the new bloke replies

"Bloody awesome mate, after the first two inches it's like brand new!"


I thought he was gonna say,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"hey mate," how come you've swapped over and now yer interested in women ???? :oops: :oops:
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Die Judicii » 09 May 2020, 9:03 pm

Daffynitions regarding marriage,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Tri Weekly,,,,,,,,
Try Weekly,,,,,,,,
Try Weakly,,,,,,,,,

And after a few years,,,,,,,, when passing each other in the passageway,,,,,,,, F#ck you, is muttered.
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Stix » 09 May 2020, 10:00 pm

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Aliqua » 10 May 2020, 1:03 pm

:violin:
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 22 Jun 2020, 6:52 pm

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Ziege » 22 Jun 2020, 8:48 pm

Saw a bloke making himself a weather vane for his roof, as he put it up I noticed he had made it a dog instead of a rooster, puzzled I asked why he made it a dog and not a rooster, he replied that he had a pet that was similar size and shape to thenon he had made, I said but you do know why they put a cock up on the roof don't you? He replied no, why is that?





I said, because if you put a fanny up there the wind will blow straight through it
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Member-Deleted » 23 Jun 2020, 5:07 pm

made me laugh anyway
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by AussieCapitalist » 24 Jun 2020, 7:11 am

:drinks:
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