Joke Thread :lol:

[cz515]

Hmm that's explains it then.

[Communism_Is_Cancer]

Lets just move forward and keep this thread for the jokes and not the chit chat hey all?

[Oldbloke]

Thanks for sharing your personal experience with us oldbloke (veet)

Lol. They are still red raw. Lol

[Lsfan]

Thanks for sharing your personal experience with us oldbloke (veet)

Lol. They are still red raw. Lol

It's one of those jokes that's funny all the way through. Paints a very funny picture.

[Oldbloke]

Ring.

272809100_260859542830319_2824621970452872397_n.jpg (39.44 KiB) Viewed 21023 times

[Oldbloke]

Lol.

272932936_4913129528722398_5090274635015673878_n.jpg (39.81 KiB) Viewed 20936 times

[Oldbloke]

Good old US of A. Same here though. Lol

[Oldbloke]

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!

[cz515]

Mate I thought you were retired... why working at a pizza shop. Don't say covid tax has increased the price of ammo that much

[Oldbloke]

Mate I thought you were retired... why working at a pizza shop. Don't say covid tax has increased the price of ammo that much

Very much so. Should get a couple of armed bush walks in next week. Better now school is back.

[womble]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=N5RuYs738fo

[Oldbloke]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=N5RuYs738fo

Lol, cant be real

[Oldbloke]

A hotel guest calls the front desk from his room on the eighth floor.
The call is picked up by the clerk on the reception desk.
The clerk answers,
"May I help you?"
The man says,
"Yes, I'm in room 858"
"You need to send someone to my room immediately"
"What seems to be the problem sir?"
Asks the clerk,
"I'm having an argument with my wife and she's threatening to jump out of the window."
The desk clerk calmly says,
"I'm very sorry to hear that sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies,
"Listen you idiot, the window won't open... and that's a maintenance matter!"

[Die Judicii]

There was a cop walking his beat one night which passed through one of the city parks.
He heard some muffled noises coming out of the bushes and went to investigate.
As he walked into the bushes he stepped on a mans back side,,,,,,,,, and a woman said "Thanks"

[bladeracer]

This gave me a quick giggle
The Hills are Alive with the Sound of M...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dmFgAMTEg0E

[womble]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GGkg5ytaXlA&t=11s

[Oldbloke]

A man and his wife...
Permalink

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
Not a chance, says the husband, it is 3:00 in the morning!
He slams the door and returns to bed.
Who was that? asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push, he answers.
Did you help him? she asks.
No, I did not, its 3am in the morning and its well pouring with rain out there!
Well, you have a short memory, says his wife. Cant you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
God loves drunk people too you know.
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, Hello, are you still there?
Yes, comes back the answer.
Do you still need a push? calls out the husband.
Yes, please! comes the reply from the dark.
Where are you? asks the husband.
Over here on the swing, replied the drunk.

[Oldbloke]

A husband and wife were watching a TV program about psychology in which the phenomenon of 'mixed emotions' was being explained.

The husband turned to his wife and said, "What a load of nonsense! I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me feel both good and bad at the same time."


The wife replied, "Out of your 4 fishing buddies, you have the biggest dick."

[Oldbloke]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

[Oldbloke]

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

[Oldbloke]

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[Oldbloke]

Over 70 jokes
I was standing at the bar at the RSL one night, minding my own business.
This quite hefty, very plain looking woman came up behind me, grabbed my arse and said,
"You are very cute. Do you have a phone number?"
I said, "Yes, do you have a pen?"
She said, "Yes, Ive got a pen".
I said, "Then you better get back into it before the farmer misses you.
Cost me 6 stitches but, When you're over seventy ......... who cares ?
**********
I went to the chemist and told the girl behind the counter,
"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady assistant: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
I said "No... She's pretty good looking ....."
When you're over seventy ......... who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the RSL last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there, instead of you."
Cost me a fat lip, but ... When you're over seventy ... who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born, just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then ... Try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,
"Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
It cost me a kick in the nuts, but When you're over seventy ........ who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the municipal swimming pool today.
The attendant shouted at me so loudly, through a loud hailer - I nearly fell in.
When you're over seventy...............who cares?
**********
I went to our RSL last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs !"
The woman giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but When you're over seventy ........ who cares

[NTSOG]

Oldbloke I don't know where you get all these jokes, but keep them coming. I did like the 0ver 70s jokes especially.

Jim.

[Bello]

A usual day at my house

[Oldbloke]

Lol
Bloody ripper

[Oldbloke]

Helping our women.

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try to show some understanding.
My name is Wayne , and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a full time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.
I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable.
I'm ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.
But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.
I tell her to fix herself a nice , big, cold glass of freshly squeezed Lemonade and just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too --- or just bring me a cold beer in a frosted mug.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.
Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more
Tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Wayne
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Wayne died tragically on March1st of a perforated rectum.
The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge hammer lying nearby.
His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder.
The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Wayne somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[Oldbloke]

89 year old Ron Chester was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
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Ron replied, "That would be my wife.

[NTSOG]

Oldbloke: "The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing ..."

Dare I ask if that would qualify as a hole-in-one?

Jim

[Die Judicii]

Oldbloke: "The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing ..."

Dare I ask if that would qualify as a hole-in-one?

Jim

That would entirely depend on whether she used the sledge hammer more than once.

[Oldbloke]

Oldbloke: "The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing ..."

Dare I ask if that would qualify as a hole-in-one?

Jim

I'm not a golfer, so don't know. I just hope I don't accidentally sit on my 223. Lol