Joke Thread :lol:

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 25 Jul 2022, 9:52 am

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 28 Jul 2022, 5:14 pm

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 31 Jul 2022, 8:49 am

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 01 Aug 2022, 1:49 pm

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by womble » 03 Aug 2022, 4:56 am

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 03 Aug 2022, 2:35 pm

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Courage is knowing it might
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 06 Aug 2022, 2:25 pm

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Courage is knowing it might
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 06 Aug 2022, 4:53 pm

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Post by Oldbloke » 07 Aug 2022, 7:47 am

Do you fart in bed ? If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you



. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.



The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.



She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room.



The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.



He said, Honey you were right all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. What do you mean? asked his wife. Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in............... Don't just keep it, share it along
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 09 Aug 2022, 7:52 pm

It's the big day at the Rudd homestead, Dave and Mabel are finally getting married.

Dave's a nervous wreck about the the coital festivities to follow the reception so he's been pestering Dad for advice. Advice Dad was more than happy to provide.

The reception over, every guest put in their wagon or buggy and sent on their drunken way home, the happy couple retire to the Honeymoon Suite, aka, Daves room.

Mabel's undressed and in bed when Dave decides he better get some last minute advice from Dad so he excuses himself and ducks out of the room.

The moment he closes the door, Mabel gets an urgent need for a poop.
It's a fair walk to the longdrop and it's raining, so she feels under the bed for a chamber pot but all she can find is an empty shoe box so with turd starting to crown, she uses the box.

She's just snapped one off when Dave comes back in so she jumps straight into bed.

Dave blows out the lamp and walks round to his side of the bed and steps right into the box.

"OH CHRIST" he yells in disgust, "there's sh!t in this box"

At which point Dad feels he should chime in:
"For fck sake Dave, turn her OVER"
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Stupidity is the same
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Die Judicii » 09 Aug 2022, 11:23 pm

Fairly early in the romance Dave and Mabel would spend the evenings down at the end of the garden under the old Peppercorn trees
They spent many happy hours down there and Dad was getting curious as to what they were doing in the darkness.
So Dad decided to find out,,,,, and late one afternoon he went down to the Peppercorns before Dave and Mabel got there.
When he got there, he climbed up high in the branches and made himself comfy on a big forked limb,, and sat quietly waiting.

Just before dark Dave and Mabel arrived and laid down in the grass under the Peppercorn.
It wasn't long before Dad could hear the obvious sounds of giggles, heavy breathing and the likes.

Dad thought to himself,,,,,, Crikey,, Dave's gonna get his end wet.

Down in the grass Dave was hard at it,,,,,for a good twenty minutes,,,,, when he eventually started running out of puff.
Then he started praying.
Dad heard him say,, "Father Father up above,, please give me the strength for one more shove"

So Dad calls out and says,,,, "Son Son down below,,,,,,,, get off and give your old Man a go"
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Die Judicii » 09 Aug 2022, 11:46 pm

Mrs Rudd called Dad in from the paddock one day, and said "Dad,,, I've got an urgent repair job you need to do."

Dad asked what it was and she replied, "The thunder box seat has got a crack in it that I want you to fix"

So Dad says,,,, yeah yeah,, I'll do it tomorrow morning.
But,,, the next morning came and went,, and the job didn't get done.

She asked again the next day,,,, but Dad said he was too busy.
It stretched out for a fortnight,,,,,,,,, and it still hadn't been fixed.

Then one morning Mrs Rudd came running back to the house yelling and screaming to Dad,,,, saying that there was a massive Redback in the thunderbox.

Dad runs down and looks,,,, then calls out saying he couldn't see it.

Mrs Rudd said "It's right down low,,,,, you'll have to stick your head in to be able to see it."

So Dad gets down on his knees,,,,, and sticks his head down, and stares around,,, but still couldn't see it.
So he started pulling his head out to stand up,,,, but his beard suddenly got wedged in the crack on the seat.
He wriggled and struggled but couldn't get free.

So he yells out and says,,,,, "I've got my beard caught in that dammed crack and I can't get free"

Mrs Rudd yelled back and said,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Yep,,,, it hurts don't it"
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 11 Aug 2022, 11:35 am

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 12 Aug 2022, 1:50 pm

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by cz515 » 13 Aug 2022, 3:41 pm

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 13 Aug 2022, 5:26 pm

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 14 Aug 2022, 2:26 pm

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 20 Aug 2022, 2:27 pm

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by northdude » 21 Aug 2022, 6:56 pm

handy hint
how do you come out of the casino with a small fortune




go there with a big fortune
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 22 Aug 2022, 4:18 pm

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 24 Aug 2022, 10:14 am

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 25 Aug 2022, 3:57 pm

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 28 Aug 2022, 2:53 pm

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Larry » 28 Aug 2022, 3:08 pm

That is one unhappy dog.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 28 Aug 2022, 3:41 pm

Larry wrote:That is one unhappy dog.


:lol:
You can just about read his mind eh?
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 29 Aug 2022, 8:48 am

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Die Judicii » 29 Aug 2022, 7:37 pm

I tried this one out on the forum a long time ago,,, But, can any newcomers read the following as being a true statement ? :unknown:

"If Moses was the Son of Pharaohs Daughter,,,,
He must have been the Daughter of Pharaohs Son."

:unknown: :unknown:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by cz515 » 31 Aug 2022, 7:31 am

What's the distended between a fowl cock (rooster) and a prostitute.
The fowl cock goes "cock a doodle do"
The prostitute goes "any cock will do"



What is the difference between Prez Tump and a bucket of s**t....... the bucket
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 31 Aug 2022, 11:16 am

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 05 Sep 2022, 11:23 am

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Courage is knowing it might
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