Joke Thread :lol:

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[Oldbloke]

Paddy has an accident at work and he rings his wife from the hospital
Luv just ringin to tell ya im at the hospital and i've cut me finger
Are you ok how bad is it
Well says Paddy i've cut it off
What she screams the whole finger
No dear no the one next to it

[Lazarus]

[Oldbloke]

Donald T. has a heart sudden attack and ends up at the gates of hell. The devil lets him in and admits that he has a slight problem. "I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. "No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go".......

[Oldbloke]

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[Oldbloke]

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[Oldbloke]

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Don't know what's going on, but he's a dead man

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[Oldbloke]

My grandpa is hooked on Viagra . The family are upset ,but Nans taking it the hardest ....

[Oldbloke]

David Beckham walks into the change rooms and takes a vacuum flask out of his kit bag and places it on the bench. His team mates say watcha got there Davey? David replies it's my new vacuum flask. Oh they say what does it do? David replies well it keeps thing's hot and keeps thing's cold. That's fantastic what have you got in it?
Cup of coffee and an ice cream!

[Oldbloke]

Sixth-grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class, “Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to ten times its normal size when stimulated?”

No one raises their hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. “Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands up to ten times its normal size when stimulated?”

Mary stands up and blushes with anger. “How dare you ask such a question?” She says. “I’m going to complain to my parents who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!”

Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary’s reaction but fearless. She asks the class again, and this time Sam raises his hand.

Yes, Sam? “says Mrs. Sampson.” Ma’am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye.”

“Correctly, Sam. Thank you.”

Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, “Mary, I have three things to tell you. First, it is clear that you haven’t done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And, third, I’m afraid one day you are going to be sadly disappointed.”

[Oldbloke]

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[Lazarus]

An old wino is sitting in a pub, nursing a schooner of cheap muscat and reading a much used Hustler magazine.

A local catholic priest, who had the annoying habit of pestering strangers to join his cult, sidled up to the wino and took him to task for his choice of reading matter.

"My son" he said to the much older man, "You shouldn't be risking your soul with filth like that, you should be reading the bible."

The wino looked at the priest with unfocused eyes and asked, "Why would I want to read that old twaddle, no bloody pictures?"

"But there are plenty of uplifting stories, like that of Samson and Delilah" declared the priest.

"Go on" said the wino.

"Well," said the priest, excited that he had another possible convert, "Samson and Delilah were down by the river one day, grinding corn in the cornfields, when a hoard of Philistines fell upon them, attacking them.
Lacking a proper weapon, Samson picked up the jaw bone of an ass, and slew 10,000 of them, and put the rest to rout."

Impressed by the tale the wino asked if there were more stories like that in the bible.
"Certainly," replied the priest, "here, take this copy and see for yourself" he said, handing the old man a bible.

Later that day the wino was sitting under a bridge, sucking on a bottle of Vin Ordinaire and reading his new book, when an acquaintance happened along.
"What the f*ck you reading that for," he asked.

The old guy replied that there were lots of good tales.
"Take the one about bloody Simpson and his Delightful," he declared, "they were down by the river, having a grind in the cornfield, when all these Filipino bastards lobbed in and attacked 'em, eh?"

"Old Simpson, he didn't f*ck around," he continued, " he picked up the arse bone of a mule, killed a thousand of the bastards and rooted the rest!"

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[Lazarus]

My wife and I recently moved interstate.
Our new neighbours invited us to some kind of Japanese sounding party.

We both like Sushi, but had not heard of that variety and not wanting to show our ignorance by asking, we agreed.

Oooh, we should have googled "Bukake"

[Lazarus]

A woman tells her husband she wants a breast enlargement.
The husband walks out of the room, returning shortly later with a roll of toilet paper and hands it to her.

When she asked him what she was supposed to do with it, he told her to rub a couple of sheets between her boobs every day.
The bemused wife asked what that would do.
The husband, replied, "Who knows, it worked on your arse"

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