Joke Thread :lol:

[Lazarus]

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[Lazarus]

Found it!

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[Oldbloke]

The newly-weds are in their honeymoon suite and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He takes off his pants and throw them at her.

He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your pants."

"And don't forget that" he replies, "I will always wear the pants in this family!"

The bride takes off her panties and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies, "I can't get into your panties!" "

And you never will if you don't change your attitude."

[Oldbloke]

An American, a Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island in middle of nowhere. They understood that until rescues arrived, they will need to work together in order to stay alive on the island. So they decided to divide up the tasks.
The American points to the Canadian and says: "You will be in charge of building and maintaining a fire". The Canadian nods.
Then he points to the Japanese and says: "You will be in charge of supplies". The Japanese nods.
"And I will be in charge of building shelters, we will meet back here by sunset". They agreed and went off their own ways.
By sunset, the American has built this beautiful sturdy shelter, enough for 3 plus more. The Canadian created a big steady camp fire all ready to cook whatever they got. But the Japanese is nowhere to be found.
After a few more hours, night falls and there were still no signs of the Japanese. They got worried and decided to go into the forest to look for him. They inch slowly towards the forest with cautions because they don't know what wild beasts roam at night. As soon as they stepped into the forest, a bush rustles, and out jumped the Japanese man screaming




"SURPRISE!!"

[TheRed]

What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people
lol

[Oldbloke]

A small boy was lost at the beach, so he went up to a lifeguard and said, "I've lost my dad!

The lifeguard said, "What's he like?
The little boy replied, "Beer and women".

[Lazarus]

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[Lazarus]

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India sounds great, huh?

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[Flyonline]

The IT department usually live in their own little world. This was the instructions that we received on how to change our email account after the migration to office 365 over the weekend. Mind, this is company wide not a few people so I'm not sure how we were supposed to email for help if our emails weren't working

They (IT) are also on windows 10 while the rest of us peons are still on W7 or W8 so nothing looks like the pics they attached

Still, we all got there in the end

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[Lazarus]

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[Lazarus]

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[Oldbloke]

I wonder if the bloke in the dozer survived?

[Lazarus]

I wonder if the bloke in the dozer survived?

Being an old dozer operator, I know you can get into the sh!t in a hurry in treacherous ground, but I can't help but wonder why the slippery feck he didn't bail before it got so far up the door?

I'd have been on the roof when it reached the top of the tracks.

[Larry]

I wonder if the bloke in the dozer survived?

I was thinking the same thing he doesn't look like a small bloke. Will he fit out the window.

[Lazarus]

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[Oldbloke]

A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 160 kph,then looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 190, then 220, ... then 250, ... Suddenly he thought,
"I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
“Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-
“Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying,

" Have a good day, Sir "...

[Lazarus]

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[Lazarus]

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[Lazarus]

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[Lazarus]

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[Oldbloke]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

[Lazarus]

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[Lazarus]

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[Lazarus]

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2

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[Lazarus]

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[rossfrb]

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[Lazarus]

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[Lazarus]

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[Lazarus]

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[womble]