Joke Thread :lol:

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Sarco » 11 Sep 2021, 8:53 pm

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by safeshot » 15 Sep 2021, 8:10 pm

Old farmer goes to the doctor has the usual round of tests. The doctor notices the old farmer cupping his ear when the doctor speaks.
"I see you have a hearing problem there." he says.
"Well i was driving tractors at 11, and hearing protection in those days doc" shrugs the farmer.
The doctor shows the farmer a tiny black chip thing. He says one little cut behind each ear, insert one of these and your hearing will be improved by 40%.
So the farmer goes along with it. Some time later he returns to the doctor and gets his results and the doc says,
"How is your hearing?"
"Its a wonder doc. I can hear birds in the morning, the grand kids dont need an interpreter, its just great."
"Well, what a great result. Tell me what does the family think?"
"Family" says the farmer,"I havent told 'em." The doctors is a bit lost
"Well whats the outcome there then?"
"Well doc, so far I have changed my will three times."..................................
"Behave well. Think for the best. Speak kindly."
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Die Judicii » 15 Sep 2021, 11:06 pm

Three sales reps from John Deere were travelling the out back when their company car had a major breakdown.
When they finally get towed to a town where the car can be repaired, they look for accommodation for the night.
Unfortunately there is only one room available,,,,, and it only has one King size bed.

Being no other choices, and the fact that they'd known each other for quite some time,, they take the room, and retire for the night.

In the morning, the salesman that was on the right side of the bed said that he'd had a fantastic night,,,, and had a wonderful dream.
When asked about it he said that he'd dreamed that he was in bed with a beauty queen contestant and had a fantastic time.

Then the salesman that was on the left hand side, spoke up and said that amazingly,,,,, he had also had a wonderful dream of very similar circumstances.

They then both looked at the one that had slept in the middle of the bed and asked how his night was.

The middle guy said that he'd had a terrible night,,,,,, and dreamed that he had spent all night cross country skiing,,,,, and his shoulders were aching.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 18 Sep 2021, 3:18 pm

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Die Judicii » 20 Sep 2021, 6:27 pm

The three best forms of communication in the world,,

1) Telephone
2) Television
3) And last but certainly not the least,,,,,,,,, Tell a Woman.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lsfan » 20 Sep 2021, 7:18 pm

Did you hear the one about the superhero convention?

Superman was on his way flying through the sky and approaching the building where the event was to be held.
He was distracted by something on the rooftop, where upon closer inspection, turns out it was wonderwoman lying on her back, legs spread apart, eyes closed and appearing rather content.

Superman has an idea..... Being faster than a speeding bullet, he decides to fly down and take advantage of wonderwoman. It would be so quick she wouldn't even know what happened.

So ahead Superman goes, flying down to the rooftop, quickly having his way and then flying off at incredible speed - leaving wonderwoman with nothing other than a gust of wind to suggest someone had been.

There is a slight pause, but wonderwoman says aloud "what the hell was that??"

A reply then comes from the invisible man "I have no idea but my ass is killing me!!"
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 20 Sep 2021, 9:03 pm

Lol. Not bad at all
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Die Judicii » 20 Sep 2021, 9:18 pm

Oldbloke wrote:Lol. Not bad at all


Yeah I agree,,
A bit like the rooster chasing the chook around the yard saying,,,,,,, It won't hurt did it.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lsfan » 20 Sep 2021, 9:32 pm

Die Judicii wrote:
Oldbloke wrote:Lol. Not bad at all


Yeah I agree,,
A bit like the rooster chasing the chook around the yard saying,,,,,,, It won't hurt did it.

Yes it's one of my favourites. My dad told me that one years ago.

He taught me other ones as well such as the gay cowboy, except he used a different word. Maybe not PC.

Anyway, legend has it that the gay cowboy used to pull his chaps off backwards...

And one day he rode into town and shot up the sheriff....

Then they threw him in gaol and he pulled himself through the bars.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Die Judicii » 21 Sep 2021, 11:50 am

[quote="Lsfan

Anyway, legend has it that the gay cowboy used to pull his chaps off backwards...

And one day he rode into town and shot up the sheriff....

Then they threw him in gaol and he pulled himself through the bars.[/quote]

Yep, those ones keep on keeping on. Typical school boy jokes.

ie: Patrick Fitzmichael and Michael Fitzpatrick,,,,,,,
The scotch version = Ben Doon and Philup McCavity
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Bugman » 21 Sep 2021, 1:47 pm

Yep. Like the oversexed robot........pulled himself apart.....like the oversexed footballer.....got pulled off at half time. Ah, yes, schoolboy humour.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Die Judicii » 21 Sep 2021, 5:17 pm

Ha Ha,,,,,,,,,
And on that note,,,,,,
The coach of the Under 17s said to the new member of the team who wasn't playing very well,,,,,,,,,,,

"If you don't start playing better by half time I'll pull you off."

And the kid said Geee, that's pretty good, with my old team they only told me to sit on the bench and suck an orange. :silent: :silent:
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lsfan » 21 Sep 2021, 5:50 pm

Haha yes brought a smile to my face.

So tell me, has anyone heard the farting contest? I suspect it was made in the 50's as my father knows it from a kid. It is available on YouTube as an audio clip but goes for 15 minutes or something. It's one of the funniest things I've ever heard. I think due to limitations on visual broadcasts of that era, people did what they could with humour by audio. Some may find it childish but nothing like a good fart joke and the commentary is brilliant!

https://youtu.be/uPplyQWf-u4
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by cz515 » 23 Sep 2021, 7:41 am

During the height of the space race in the 1960s, legend has it, NASA scientists realized that pens could not function in space. They needed to figure out another way for the astronauts to write things down. So they spent years and millions of taxpayer dollars to develop a pen that could put ink to paper without gravity. But their crafty Soviet counterparts, so the story goes, simply handed their cosmonauts pencils.

Australia eager to join the space race decides to build the pen, the AASA budgeted 1 million to build a pen in Australia, the result after 5 years, Australia spent 50 million to get the first samples that were design compromised so they needed to be pointed towards the earth to work.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Die Judicii » 26 Sep 2021, 12:35 pm

A rather large bear jumped out of the bushes and confronted a rabbit that was heading along the track.
The bear asked the rabbit,,, "Hey rabbit, does sh!t stick to your fur ?"

The rabbit was fearful that he was gonna get eaten,, but replied that NO it didn't.

So immediately the bear grabbed the rabbit, and wiped his Rse with it.
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I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by cleger » 26 Sep 2021, 2:21 pm

Stop me if you've heard these before...

A woman is about to have surgery for heart trouble, when suddenly God appears at her side. Terrified, she cries "oh no! Am I going to die?" God reassures her, telling her she has 30 more years to live. Heartened, she decides to make the best of things, and has breast implants, liposuction, and a face-lift done while she's there. On her way out of the hospital, she's struck by a bus and killed.

When she gets to heaven, she sees God and runs over to him and complains "you said I had 30 more years to live! What happened?!?"

God says "I didn't recognise you."

-----

A man was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right,” he complains. Sales clerk says “that’s why the suit is such a bargain. Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”

“But the right leg is way too short,” observed the customer. “No problem,” the sales clerk says. “Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That’s why this suit is only thirty dollars.”

Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the shop toward his car, just as two doctors happened along. After he'd passed, the first doctor said to the second, “did you see that poor crippled guy? What a mess!”

“Yeah,” said the second doctor, “but did you notice the fit of his suit?”
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by cz515 » 27 Sep 2021, 10:37 am

Secret leaked video from the marine training bootcamp.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSeJwW4vM/
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 27 Sep 2021, 11:14 am

Ice Fishing.

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another. Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?"

The voice replied, "No ... this is the Ice-Rink Manager!!.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 27 Sep 2021, 11:20 am

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 27 Sep 2021, 11:24 am

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Die Judicii » 27 Sep 2021, 3:14 pm

BETTER THAN VIAGRA.

A new pill just released that is said to be much better than viagra,,,,,,,,,,
After numerous trials it was found to only have ONE side effect.

If you don't swallow it quick enough you develop a stiff neck.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by K2bonsai » 27 Sep 2021, 10:11 pm

Abbott & Costello’s famous skit “Who’s on First Base.” Updated to COVID

Bud: ‘You can’t come in here!’

Lou: ‘Why not?’

Bud: ‘Well because you’re unvaccinated.’

Lou: ‘But I’m not sick.’

Bud: ‘It doesn’t matter.’

Lou: ‘Well, why does that guy get to go in?’

Bud: ‘Because he’s vaccinated.’

Lou: ‘But he’s sick!’

Bud: ‘It’s alright. Everyone in here is vaccinated.’

Lou: ‘Wait a minute. Are you saying everyone in there is vaccinated?’

Bud: ‘Yes.’

Lou: ‘So then why can’t I go in there if everyone is vaccinated?’

Bud: ‘Because you’ll make them sick.’

Lou: ‘How will I make them sick if I’m NOT sick and they’re vaccinated.’

Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’

Lou: ‘But they’re vaccinated.’

Bud: ‘But they can still get sick.’

Lou: ‘So what the heck does the vaccine do?’

Bud: ‘It vaccinates.’

Lou: ‘So vaccinated people can’t spread covid?’

Bud: ‘Oh no. They can spread covid just as easily as an unvaccinated person.’

Lou: ‘I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. Look. I’m not sick.

Bud: ‘Ok.’

Lou: ‘And the guy you let in IS sick.’

Bud: ‘That’s right.’

Lou: ‘And everybody in there can still get sick even though they’re vaccinated.’

Bud: ‘Certainly.’

Lou: ‘So why can’t I go in again?’

Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’

Lou: ‘I’m not asking who’s vaccinated or not!’

Bud: ‘I’m just telling you how it is.’

Lou: ‘Nevermind. I’ll just put on my mask.’

Bud: ‘That’s fine.’

Lou: ‘Now I can go in?’

Bud: ‘Absolutely not?’

Lou: ‘But I have a mask!’

Bud: ‘Doesn’t matter.’

Lou: ‘I was able to come in here yesterday with a mask.’

Bud: ‘I know.’

Lou: So why can’t I come in here today with a mask? ….If you say ‘because I’m unvaccinated’ again, I’ll break your arm.’

Bud: ‘Take it easy buddy.’

Lou: ‘So the mask is no good anymore.’

Bud: ‘No, it’s still good.’

Lou: ‘But I can’t come in?’

Bud: ‘Correct.’

Lou: ‘Why not?’

Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’

Lou: ‘But the mask prevents the germs from getting out.’

Bud: ‘Yes, but people can still catch your germs.’

Lou: ‘But they’re all vaccinated.’

Bud: ‘Yes, but they can still get sick.’

Lou: ‘But I’m not sick!!’

Bud: ‘You can still get them sick.’

Lou: ‘So then masks don’t work!’

Bud: ‘Masks work quite well.’

Lou: ‘So how in the heck can I get vaccinated people sick if I’m not sick and masks work?’

Bud: ‘Third base.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by cz515 » 28 Sep 2021, 11:58 am

Hmm I lost the picture. But I saw a meme the other day it went along

Covid lockdowns have made us so intelligent, people who couldn't understand their children's grade 5 maths, are now infectious disease experts.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by on_one_wheel » 29 Sep 2021, 2:51 pm

Iv just read a horror story of theft that's got me thinking, I could use some extra funds.

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 30 Sep 2021, 5:02 pm

There were three girls who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city girls and one farm girl...
The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile...
Well, the counselor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method"...
"That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record"...
He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said..
Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The bucket and saucer method." After a short delay, he told her that should also work...
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going...
They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant. Only the farm girl was slim and trim yet...
Well, the counselor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby"...
He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby"...
He turns to the farm girl. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the bucketl and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you"...?
She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him"...
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 30 Sep 2021, 6:37 pm

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said,
"I do....Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said,
"I just thought youd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said,
"Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said,
"Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims,
"I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
(..I JUST LOVE THIS PART....)
"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 30 Sep 2021, 6:54 pm

Yesterday my son e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. Other than making knives and sitting around the computer drinking rum isn't a good thing". (Talking about me "doing-something-useful" seems to be his favorite topic of conversation.)

He is "only thinking of me," he said, and suggested, I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas. So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on him. I sent him an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.

He replied, "Are you nuts? You're 79 years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I told him that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to him.

Immediately, he telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!" The line went dead.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Die Judicii » 01 Oct 2021, 12:00 am

Yet another birth control method.

"The jelly bean method"

How does that work asked the marriage councillor ???
>
>
>
>
>
> The wife replied,,,,,, well, I lay flat on my back and put a jelly bean between my knees,,,, and if the jelly bean gets dislodged he has
to do all the housework and cooking for a year.
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Die Judicii » 01 Oct 2021, 12:30 am

Two old mates that hadn't seen each other for a few years met up one day and decided to have a few beers, and catch up.

Fred says to Bob,, "So where have you been and what have you been doing these past years" ??

Bob replies,, "Well I've been up in central QLD,,, and marking most of the young scrub bulls that are mustered to prevent over breeding."

Fred says ,,, "WOW, so your putting rings on em,," ??

Bob replies,, "Nope,,,,,,, by the time they're all in the yards,, they're pretty thirsty,,,,,, so we put water in a trough,,,, and when they are all heads
down and drinking we sneak up behind and crush em with two house bricks."

Fred says,,,, "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh,,,,,,, doesn't that hurt like hell" ?? :shock:

Bob replies,,, "Nope,,,,,, not at all,,,,,,,, so long as you keep your thumbs out from between the bricks."
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 01 Oct 2021, 9:53 am

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