RIP Dad

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RIP Dad

Post by DownunderDutchman » 08 Oct 2019, 8:55 am

I am sure there are others on here that have dealt with this subject, my dad past away early this morning due to battling with cancer for a few years. My relationship with him has been a rocky one, and he kept his illness a secret from me as we did not speak anymore. I think it is a milestone when a parent dies and not sure how to deal with this, but that's life.
To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize. Voltaire
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Re: RIP Dad

Post by pete1 » 08 Oct 2019, 11:21 am

Sorry to hear mate

May be rest in peace
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Re: RIP Dad

Post by Stix » 08 Oct 2019, 11:33 am

Sorry to hear that DD.

Its sure to be a tough thing having to confront such a wide gamut of conflicting feelings...many of which are most likely not understood or at peace with...and then to compound that, getting a heap of guilt from hindsight views of what could i have done better, anger, & almost a double layer of resentment would for sure send any sane empathetic person into a whirlpool.

Talking to someone about it is obviously key...something you obviously want to do, which is good...

Finding someone on your level is the hard thing...so many counselors have such self perceived high levels of acumen when it comes behavioral science, & think because they graduated they are it & a bit...
Sadly its not the case.

Id recommend seeking the services of an older, genuine counselor with a demonstrated history of dealing with grief & loss...& avoid the services on the net that claim greatness in dealing with a great array of issues.
Thats not to say younger professionals are all bad, its just that i think youll have a better hit rate & faster road to acceptance with more experienced folk...(obviously).

Insight on SBS had an interesting show on a couple of weeks back--about being estranged from family members...whilst not exactly at your point of greif, it might be of interest to watch as it shows people who have dealt with what you are, & more importantly the lead up to it, & how they rationalise it...or try to rationalise it...
You can see how some people are in denial & kid themselves, while others just live with the pain & cant get past it, & others have come to working it out, or working out a way to deal with it.
If you watch it, you will no doubt identify with some of the people on there to find your 'level', & that may well give you a start in finding where you're at & give you the natural progression as to where to go next.

Finding acceptance with such a finite thing as death is hard at any level...especially given your circumstances...but it is there...

I think the key is to treat it like a job...only give it so many hours of the week & dont let it consume you into toxicity...(obviously at the moment its all consuming & thats pperfectly understandable... :thumbsup: )...

Also, i think finding good in the bad is what needs to be the goal...using what youve experienced/experiencing to not do the same again is a good thing--obvious but good...!!
Im far from religous, but some Christian principles in understanding being thankful can have good effect...but dont think for a moment im suggesting you allow yourself to be indoctrinated into a cult like church--im not suggesting that at all...!!!

Anyway...hoping you come to as good a terms with it as possible... :drinks:
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Re: RIP Dad

Post by DownunderDutchman » 08 Oct 2019, 12:42 pm

Hey thanks guys for the kind words. My oldies got divorced 30 years ago and the family structure I was used to pretty much dissolved, due to that my dad and I drifted apart even more, and his new wife and step kids added to that division even further, hence I had not seen or spoken to the old man in over 10 years. But it is a very odd thing to deal with knowing one of your parents no more. The old lady has a hard time with it, although she has been happily married to my Collinwood supporting stepdad for nearly 30 years, she has a hard time dealing with the fact that part of her life is closed. Myself, well it is a slap in the face as it is hard reality, and the old man suffered for 1 1/2 years with cancer, and told my bro to not tell the rest of us, old man stayed selfish to the end I guess, I am in my 50's and happily divorced with no offspring and the passing of my dad is making me reflect on my life I guess, but I am OK with it all, dying is part of being born, no escaping from it.

But thanks for the kind words as I live a very secluded life with not much family or friends around, just a few nutters online that like guns and hunting like myself, and having some outlet is kinda helping me deal with it to a point, although I am sure it will hit me harder later on.

Cheers guys
To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize. Voltaire
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Re: RIP Dad

Post by RoginaJack » 08 Oct 2019, 3:02 pm

Sorry to hear about your dad too. Have you any sibling or family members that you could contact and have a talk with or maybe a visit?
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Re: RIP Dad

Post by Blr243 » 08 Oct 2019, 7:28 pm

I’m a Dutchy too. But my dad is still around. Very sorry to hear .... nothing wrong with a couple of glasses of scotch at a time like this. Look after yourself.
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Re: RIP Dad

Post by marksman » 08 Oct 2019, 7:44 pm

commiserations DD
RIP for your father

having gone through similar I can say I do understand
under the circumstances it can be hard to know how to deal with it
especially when everyone knows better than you on how they would have dealt with it
dont blame yourself mate obviously there is nothing you could have done differently
I found comfort in keeping busy with my family

all the best :drinks:
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Re: RIP Dad

Post by razor222 » 08 Oct 2019, 8:31 pm

That sucks mate, prayers for the family
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Re: RIP Dad

Post by flutch » 08 Oct 2019, 9:36 pm

my advice is use this time to reach out and mend any other bridges, you clearly have regrets with how you were not as close as you appear to have wished. take time to mend bridges with other, it WILL lessen any regrets you have and it WILL help you. as for the grief of losing a father, its never easy especially if you have a strong sense of patriarchal responsibility (I know I do). Make time to just think back on the good times, dont be afraid of the regrets and any not so great memories either they all make up the experience of having a parent/father. and take it easy, dont try to push through things that require patience and quiet and calm.

my deepest condolences to anyone who loses a parent. may he rest in peace

god bless
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Re: RIP Dad

Post by TassieTiger » 09 Oct 2019, 2:15 pm

It’s a tough time mate - find the positive if you can.
Many ppl don’t get to know their dad at all, some fall out under terms that are horrid and leave deep scars...relish the good times you remember.
Maybe your dad not telling you about his cancer was a thoughtful one? Maybe, he didn’t want you to witness his slow demise - I’ve watched several ppl close to me pass from cancer, it’s horrible and impacts long lasting memories...maybe he was being selfish to be kind...who knows.

It is definitely a time for reflection and forgiveness - it puts a lot of things into perspective...some of the day to day crap we worry ourselves with means absolutely s**t all at the end of the day...

Condolences to you and family.
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