Jokes

General conversation and chit chat - The place for non-shooting specific topics. Introduce yourself here.

Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 14 Jan 2017, 3:11 am

Just to start this off, here is one I got from an unrelated forum.

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that theyre physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. Want anything while Im in the kitchen? he asks.
Will you get me a bowl of ice cream? she says.
Sure.' he replies.
Dont you think you should write it down so you can remember it? she asks.
No, I can remember it. he says.
She adds Well, Id like some Strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?
He says, I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.
Id also like whipped cream. Im certain youll forget that, write it down? she asks.
Irritated, he says, I dont Need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and asks Wheres my toast?
Hunt safe, look after the bush & plug more pests. :thumbsup: Better to load on the mild side. :o The greatest invention in the history of man is beer. :drinks: "Often the written message doesn't convey all of the information"
User avatar
Oldbloke
General
General
 
Posts: 5547
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 14 Jan 2017, 3:24 am

Here's another.

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband, and she looks at the signs as she goes up the floors.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

Wow, she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

Oh, mercy me! she exclaims, I can hardly stand it!

Still, she goes to the fifth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 5 These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor anyway. There, the sign reads:

Floor 6 You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. :lol:
Hunt safe, look after the bush & plug more pests. :thumbsup: Better to load on the mild side. :o The greatest invention in the history of man is beer. :drinks: "Often the written message doesn't convey all of the information"
User avatar
Oldbloke
General
General
 
Posts: 5547
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Noisydad » 14 Jan 2017, 6:08 am

A man is sitting in his favorite chair quietly reading his newspaper when his wife walks in, does a little twirl in front of him and asks, "Honey do these pants make my bum look fat?"
Without looking up the man replies,"No honey. It's all the chocolate cake and ice cream you eat that does that!"
There's still a few of Wile. E Coyote's ideas that I haven't tried yet.
User avatar
Noisydad
Sergeant Major
Sergeant Major
 
Posts: 1521
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by coroboreeboy » 14 Jan 2017, 6:44 am

1st man: What's the difference between lobsters and crabs?
2nd man: Well, for a start, crabs walk sideways.
1st man: Oh no, I've got lobsters
coroboreeboy
Private
Private
 
Posts: 60
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by Baldrick314 » 14 Jan 2017, 7:21 am

A doctor, a biologist and a statistician go hunting. They are in the hide and spot an impressive male deer 80 yards out. The doctor goes first, calculates a firing solution and takes his shot. He misses 2 feet to the left. The biologist studies the scene, calculates his solution and fires. He misses 2 feet to the right. The statistician jumps up excited and yells "we got him!"
.177, .22lr, .22-250R, 2x .308W, .30-30W, 7.62x54r, 8x56r, 9x19, .357 Mag, 12GA
User avatar
Baldrick314
Warrant Officer C2
Warrant Officer C2
 
Posts: 1057
New South Wales

Re: Jokes

Post by albat » 14 Jan 2017, 8:33 am

Here's three more , Greens, John Howard, and Gun control Australia , first thing that came to me when i saw the thread :lol:
albat
Sergeant
Sergeant
 
Posts: 503
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by sandgroperbill » 14 Jan 2017, 12:01 pm

An old guy is convinced his missus is getting a bit deaf, so decides to test it.

One night, he's sitting by the fire while she's in the kitchen. He says in a normal voice at normal volume, "Honey, can you hear me?"...
...
No answer.
He gets up, walks to the kitchen door, and in a slightly louder voice, asks "Honey, can you hear me?" ...
...
Still no answer.

So he walks in, stands right beside her and shouts, "Honey, can you hear me?"

She turns and looks at him angrily and answers, "For the third bloody time, yes!"
sandgroperbill
Warrant Officer C1
Warrant Officer C1
 
Posts: 1280
Western Australia

Re: Jokes

Post by sandgroperbill » 14 Jan 2017, 12:02 pm

Why wasn't the nativity from the bible set in Australia?

They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
sandgroperbill
Warrant Officer C1
Warrant Officer C1
 
Posts: 1280
Western Australia

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 14 Jan 2017, 1:50 pm

sandgroperbill wrote:An old guy is convinced his missus is getting a bit deaf, so decides to test it.

One night, he's sitting by the fire while she's in the kitchen. He says in a normal voice at normal volume, "Honey, can you hear me?"...
...
No answer.
He gets up, walks to the kitchen door, and in a slightly louder voice, asks "Honey, can you hear me?" ...
...
Still no answer.

So he walks in, stands right beside her and shouts, "Honey, can you hear me?"

She turns and looks at him angrily and answers, "For the third bloody time, yes!"


:clap: :clap: :clap:
Hunt safe, look after the bush & plug more pests. :thumbsup: Better to load on the mild side. :o The greatest invention in the history of man is beer. :drinks: "Often the written message doesn't convey all of the information"
User avatar
Oldbloke
General
General
 
Posts: 5547
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by tom604 » 14 Jan 2017, 4:19 pm

paddy and mary have been married for a long time and the spice in their sex life was fading so mary says do you want to try this thing called a 69?, paddy says why not, so mary starts to get into position but lets out a fart, paddy gets up and say's ,,if you think that im going to wait for the other 68 think again :wtf: :lol:
User avatar
tom604
Warrant Officer C1
Warrant Officer C1
 
Posts: 1332
South Australia

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 14 Jan 2017, 5:57 pm

Not bad tom604. :) Here's another.

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"


Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?" Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat.
Hunt safe, look after the bush & plug more pests. :thumbsup: Better to load on the mild side. :o The greatest invention in the history of man is beer. :drinks: "Often the written message doesn't convey all of the information"
User avatar
Oldbloke
General
General
 
Posts: 5547
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Title_II » 15 Jan 2017, 9:17 pm

Sandgroperbill FTW! LOL
User avatar
Title_II
Second Lieutenant
Second Lieutenant
 
Posts: 2000
United States of America

Re: Jokes

Post by Supaduke » 16 Jan 2017, 9:11 am

Old Ethel and Roy wee getting on in years and their sex life had declined to the point where they would simply lie next to each other in bed. Ethel would then simply hold Roy's old fella till they fell asleep. This went on for a few years until one morning at breakfast.
"Ethel" said Roy, "I'm leaving you for Betty"
"Betty!" Exclaimed Ethel "she's even older and more decrepit than me, what's she got that I haven't got?"
Roy smiled
"Parkinson's Disease"
Supaduke
Warrant Officer C1
Warrant Officer C1
 
Posts: 1429
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Title_II » 16 Jan 2017, 1:36 pm

Some of you mates are bad :D
User avatar
Title_II
Second Lieutenant
Second Lieutenant
 
Posts: 2000
United States of America

Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 16 Jan 2017, 1:37 pm

A young couples marriage had broken down and they had separated.
They decided that visiting rights for their 9 year old son would be alternate weekends.

One weekend the Father took little Johnnie to the zoo.
When watching the elephants Johnnie asked his Father, "What is that hanging between the elephants legs ?"

The father started to explain that it was the elephants penis.

But Johnnie interrupted and said,
"Last week when Mum brought me I asked her,, and she got all embarrassed and said that it was nothing."

Well,,,, said the father, "You've got to understand that your mother was a very spoiled woman."

:silent:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
User avatar
Die Judicii
Lieutenant
Lieutenant
 
Posts: 2387
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 16 Jan 2017, 1:53 pm

Farmer Bill was having trouble with his prize Ram.
Even when put amongst a mob of new ewes, he showed no interest.
So Bill called out the towns vet.
The vet came out, and gave Bill a bottle with 3 pills in it.

Give him 1 pill every day for 3 days, and that will get him back to working again said the vet.

A week later, Bill rang the vets and asked if he could get some more.
Unfortunately the vet had taken ill and was in hospital, and a city vet was filling in.
The city vet said to Bill "I've got no idea what pills were prescribed, can you describe them ?"

Farmer Bill said "Oh Yeah, they were big yellow ones, and they tasted a bit like mint"

:silent: :silent:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
User avatar
Die Judicii
Lieutenant
Lieutenant
 
Posts: 2387
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by Wylie27 » 16 Jan 2017, 3:59 pm

5 kind of fear:

1. panic
2. terror
3.10 missed calls from mum
4. wrong password
5. we need to talk
Wylie27
Staff Sergeant
Staff Sergeant
 
Posts: 993
New South Wales

Re: Jokes

Post by tom604 » 16 Jan 2017, 6:38 pm

Tiny little thing marries a big strapping lad and on their wedding night the lad takes off his trousers and gives them to his little bride, "here put these on" he says, well she can fit both of her legs in one of his and the waist comes up to her chest, "i cant wear these", she says. "damm right" says the lad, "i wear the pants in this family and don't you forget it!" well the tiny little girl gave a smile and slowly slipped off her nickers,threw them at the boy and said,"here put these on" hubby grabs the nickers and try as he might, he could only get them just over his knees. "i can't get into these" he grumped. the new wife looked him dead in the eye and said, "and you bloody well won't until your attitude changes" :thumbsup:
User avatar
tom604
Warrant Officer C1
Warrant Officer C1
 
Posts: 1332
South Australia

Next

Back to top
 
Return to Off topic - General conversation