Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 08 Apr 2017, 9:20 pm

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.
'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the post man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'



DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 09 Apr 2017, 12:14 am

ANOTHER PARROT JOKE,,,,, to follow on from OBs

This particular guy also found a parrot that was well educated and spoke several languages fluently.
So the guy pays for the parrot and took it home.

Throughout the evening they discussed all manner of things until late.
The guy says well,,,,, its bedtime, and went to bed.

The next morning they talked during breakfast,, and then the guy starts getting ready to go to work.
The parrot said Hey, where are you going ?
The guy explained that he had to go to work.

Oh, good said the parrot,,,,, I'll come with you.
No, said the guy,, No parrots allowed at work.
So he walks out the door and leaves the parrot home.

You'll be sorry screeched the parrot.

Half an hour passes and the parrot suddenly got an evil idea.
He got on the phone and ordered 3 truckloads of readymix concrete.
When the trucks arrived, the parrot instructed them to pour it all over the prize rose bushes in the front yard.

That night when the guy comes home and sees what happened, the parrot said, "I told you you'd be sorry."

The guy was really angry, and went out to the shed.
He returned with a hammer and a handfull of nails.
He grabbed the parrot and spread eagled him on the lounge room wall,, and nailed him to it.
Not saying anything to the parrot, he had his evening meal,, then went to bed.

2 hours go by, and the parrot finally lifts his head and looks around the room.

On the far side he sees a crucifix,,,,,,,,, so he calls out and asks, "Who are you, and how long have you been nailed to that cross ?"

Jesus replied, and said,,,, "I am Jesus Christ, and I've been nailed to the cross for over 2,000 years."

Faaark,, said the parrot.

How much friggin concrete did you order ???????????
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 09 Apr 2017, 12:22 am

You mob crack me up :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

:drinks:
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An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 11 Apr 2017, 10:59 pm

Rumour has it that Pauline Hanson won't eat prawns,,,,,,,,

Apparently someone told her that they were crustaceans (crushed asians)

:lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Title_II » 12 Apr 2017, 8:19 am

Parrot story, not joke.

My XGF used to house sit for some members of our church that we knew. They had a parrot and a stupid dog. I would go over there to bang her, eat their food, drink their booze, and spend the night.

The parrot loved Sesame Street. I think he even knew what time it came on. He would ignore all other TV, but got very excited for Sesame Street and you had to turn it on for him every day or he would get upset. If that wasn't curious enough, here is another one. When nobody was in the room, and it was quiet, the parrot would start yelling, "I'm on it! Don't worry, I'm taking care of it, I'm on it!" :eek:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Title_II » 12 Apr 2017, 8:34 am

OK, house sitting followup, why not.

I had a friend that was fascinated by black people. I guess you could say he was racist, but I don't think that would be an entirely accurate description. He loved racist jokes and mocking black people. He collected Black Americana and had it all over his house. But most of his friends were black and every party he threw was almost all black people. He went to a black Halloween party in the hood in black face dressed as Buckwheat and did not get shot. He was like Dr. Doolittle. His name is Scott.

OK, so same XGF, different house. We sort of drifted apart a bit, no drama, still friends. Her black friend Mike (I think) stayed over at the house and banged the s**t out of her. He leaves the next morning without waking her up. She calls me and tells me she went out that morning to buy something and her purse was empty. The dude banged her and then robbed her. She asked me what she should do. I am already thinking that I am going to call Scott the moment I get off the phone with her :D
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gwion » 12 Apr 2017, 8:46 am

And the point of those stories......
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Re: Jokes

Post by Title_II » 12 Apr 2017, 9:01 am

Gwion wrote:And the point of those stories......


You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch. ;)

The parrot jokes. I thought they were mildly amusing, if not actual jokes. More amusing than a few of the jokes in this thread! :D
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 23 Apr 2017, 8:19 pm

---IF WOMEN ONLY TRUSTED THEIR HUSBANDS!!!

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...

For example...

A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us,

so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 23 Apr 2017, 8:23 pm

Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal.
A man with no arms comes up to him and says: "Hey, can you give me a hand?"
Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help.

He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his ~ censor ~, which he is horrified to discover is all green and mouldy.

Imagining the bonus he will get come judgement day, he continues to hold the man's mouldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

"Hey, thanks a lot," the man says

"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says: "I don't know, but until I find out I'm sure not going to touch it!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 23 Apr 2017, 8:27 pm

Larry the Fighter Pilot
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this outrageous response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Larry's whore"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 23 Apr 2017, 9:18 pm

Wisdom from the Military Manuals



'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' - U.S. Air Force Manual

----------- --------- --------- ---------

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' - General MacArthur

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.' - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

------ ------ --------- --------- ---------

'Tracer works both ways.' - U.S. Army Ordnance

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'Five second fuses only last three seconds.' - Infantry Journal

----------- - --- ------ --------- ---------

'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.' - Unknown Marine Recruit

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

'If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him.' - USAF Ammo Troop

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage , it's probably a helicopter - and, therefore, unsafe.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'

------------ --------- ------- -- ---------

'Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club.'

----------- --------- --------- ---------

'Never trade luck for skill.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

The three most common expressions, in aviation are:

'Why is it doing that?'

'Where are we?', and

'Oh S..t!'

----------- --------- --------- ---------

'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'

------------ --------- --------- --------- -

'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!'

----------- --------- --------- ---------

'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a

bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'

The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I only just got here myself!' - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot
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Re: Jokes

Post by pomemax » 23 Apr 2017, 11:20 pm

Down at circular Quay at the money exchange little Asian woman in front of me creating a real lot at the guy said last week I got more when i changed money why so little today poor guy behind the counter just said fluctuation i thought that was a reasonable answer till the little woman Screams out FLUCKUAUSSIES to
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bent Arrow » 27 Apr 2017, 8:47 pm

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with
two problems.
"For all these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your tits."
“Oh!”, she said, "No point asking about the beard then...........":)
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 27 Apr 2017, 8:53 pm

Not bad bent arrow. :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Supaduke » 27 Apr 2017, 10:07 pm

A man was born with a golden screw in his belly button. As he grew from a boy to a man it was a great mystery. He visited many doctors and specialists, none could explain the meaning of the golden screw in his belly button.

In desperation he traveled the world seeking the wisest of men, in the hope he might one day find the answer.

He traveled to Tibet , there he had been told of a very wise man. The wise man lived deep in the Himalayan mountains, atop one of the highest.

He trekked for 6 days before finally coming to a small hut. He knocked and a mystical looking old man answered. He went in and explained the mystery of the golden screw.

"My son" said the old man, "I have something to show you" . The old man pulled back the sleeve of his robe to reveal his finger , shaped like a screwdriver and golden colour.

"I have been searching for you", with that the old man began turning the golden screw in the other mans belly.

Slowly he began undoing it, the air filled with excitement

Turning.....

Turning.......

Turning.......


Then his arse fell off

;)
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 28 Apr 2017, 11:17 pm

The Yankee Rancher Vs The Aussie battler Farmer

It was a stinking hot day in a little outback town, when a tourist bus pulled up outside the local pub.
All the passengers got off and went in to get a meal and some drinks.
One of them was a big Yank dressed in typical tourist like clothes, complete with an oversized camera hanging around his neck.

There was an old Aussie farmer seated at the bar, and the yank asks him what he did.
The Aussie replied saying that he ran some cattle on his 5 acre block of land.

The yank said loudly, "Back in the states I own this huge ranch that also runs cattle,, and it is so big that I can get on my horse at sun rise and ride all day and only just reach the northern boundary by sundown.
Or I could do the same in the opposite direction and only just reach the southern boundary by nightfall.
So what do you think about that ?" the yank asked.

The old Aussie sat and sipped his beer, and then replied, "Yep,,,,,,,, I had a horse just like that once myself,, it was so damm slow I shot it."
:lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Rifle realist » 29 Apr 2017, 9:47 am

Ivan Milat is walking through the bush with his girlfriend, she says to him "Ivan its getting dark and I am a bit scared" He says "your worried, I have to walk back on my own."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bent Arrow » 29 Apr 2017, 8:16 pm

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick.

So he dialed the employee's home phone number after a number of rings he was answered by child's whisper
"Hello?"
'Is your daddy home?' '
Small voice whispered, 'Yes, he's out in the garden ,'
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered,' No.'
So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?'
'Yes she's out in the garden too'
The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?'
Again, 'No'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes, whispered the child,' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, He's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. '
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
It's a helicopter 'answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
'The search team just landed a helicopter
' A search team?' said the boss.
'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... 'ME '...:)
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bent Arrow » 01 May 2017, 6:09 pm

A government minister was seated next to a little girl on an aeroplane so
he turned to her and said, "Do you want to Talk? Flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the politician. "How about global warming, fast
broadband or the Refugee situation?" he said, smiling smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but
a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, with typical wisdom "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
refugees, computers, or climate change, when you don't know s**t ?"

Then she went back to reading her book.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 01 May 2017, 7:29 pm

I think that most politicians would fall into that classification.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 03 May 2017, 2:28 pm

What is the true definition of a "bolt" ???? :unknown:


It's what you ask for in a hardware store when the guy behind the counter is a very hefty homo,, and you are too sh!t scared to ask him for a screw.

:lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Title_II » 03 May 2017, 4:50 pm

Some of these are real crackers :D
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Re: Jokes

Post by Supaduke » 05 May 2017, 12:51 pm

A Hollywood agent was looking after the latest starlet, a stunningly beautiful girl and the talk of all the magazines.

Eventually he plucked up the courage to ask her out for dinner.

"You've got to be joking" she said " I am a famous Hollywood actress, I could have any man I wanted. No chance"

Feeling a little bit hurt he persisted over the next few months with the starlet always rudely turning him down.

Eventually one of the starlet's movies flopped and she was down on her luck a bit.

She said to the agent "I'll offer you one night with me for $5000"

"I'll take it" said the agent.
So he took her out for dinner then took her home where they finally got it on.

After they had finished she went to roll over for a sleep. "Just remember " said the agent "I paid for the whole night"

20 minutes later she got a tap on the shoulder and they went for it again.
Then every 20 minutes or so she would get another tap on the shoulder so she did it again and again all night.

Finally after about a dozen taps on the shoulder she gasped into the darkness
"If I had known my agent was so virile I would have let you do this ages ago"

"I'm not your agent lady" said a voice "he's outside selling tickets"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Title_II » 05 May 2017, 12:59 pm

Supaduke wrote:A Hollywood agent was looking after the latest starlet, a stunningly beautiful girl and the talk of all the magazines.

Eventually he plucked up the courage to ask her out for dinner.

"You've got to be joking" she said " I am a famous Hollywood actress, I could have any man I wanted. No chance"


Need to use the right line to snag a shiela like that.

"You wouldn't believe the size of my trunk. Come here. Let me show you real quick"

"Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 25 May 2017, 9:55 pm

Housework was women's work. But one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set.

She was astonished --something's up.

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to also do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well, and the next day, she told her office friends all about it.

"We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But, what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that was perfect, too. Ralph was too tired..."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 25 May 2017, 10:03 pm

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch-less panties
in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt
and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments, she uncrosses her legs ...
enough times till her husband says...
"Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s,"
she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God for that...

I thought you were sitting on the cat.

He never heard the gunshot.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 25 May 2017, 10:12 pm

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'

Well, says the bloke, 'I guess... I'd better have the bad news first?'The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it. 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...

So what's the other possible good news?'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
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Oldbloke
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 25 May 2017, 10:30 pm

What is the difference between a 69er and fog ?

In the fog you can't see the ar#hole in front of you. :D
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Die Judicii
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 25 May 2017, 10:39 pm

A woman gets a knock on the door and there is a policeman there.
He asks if she is Bill Burton's wife.
She replies Yes she is.

The policeman say's that he comes with some terrible news.

It would seem that Bill had an unfortunate accident at work in the brewery, and fell into the vat of scotch, and drowned.

She collapsed in anguish, but then asks, "Did he die a slow and terrible death ?"

No, I don't think so the policeman said.
Apparently he climbed out 3 times to go to the toilet.
:lol:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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