Jokes

[Member-Deleted]

An old bloke was sitting in the pub with his dog at his feet
A tourist came in and thought it was nice to see a man and his dog sitting together at the bar
The Tourist asks the man what do you do for a living ?
Man replies SHEEP !
Tourist says'' so this is a sheep dog
Man says ''NOPE'' he's a BLACKSMITH
Tourist says you have got to be kidding a dog can't be a blacksmith
Man says Yeah they can give me $100 and i'll get him to make something
The tourist gives the old man $100 and says ok get him to make something
The old man called his dog over lifted its tail then jammed his lit cigar into the dogs butt
The dog let out a yodle and took off out the door
The old man said there ya go he just made a bolt for the door

Cheers

[Oldbloke]

An old lady went to the doctors; I dont know whats wrong with me, she says. I keep farting but my farts are silent and odourless. In fact, Ive farted 20 times since walking in here without you noticing.

The doctor gives the lady some medication and instructs her to return in a weeks time.

At her next appointment, the lady has noticed a change.

I dont know what was in those pills you gave me, but my farts now stink like hell. Theyre still silent, though.

The doctor smiles. Well, now that weve cleared up your sinuses we can work on your hearing.

[tom604]

surprise sex in the morning is great








not so much if your in prison

[Gaznazdiak]

Hey daddybang, no offence old sweet, but if you're finding sex to be a pain in the arse, might one suggest that you are perhaps doing it wrong?ly

[Daddybang]

Hey daddybang, no offence old sweet, but if you're finding sex to be a pain in the arse, might one suggest that you are perhaps doing it wrong?ly

Cheeky bas@#rd hey!!

[Gaznazdiak]

Cyril and Cecil, two old gay guys who have been a couple for decades, were walking arm in arm down the main street one evening.
"Pardon darling" said Cyril, "I have to pass wind", he paused for a second and a soft breathy whoosh was barely heard.
Several minutes later, Cecil says, "Cyril dear, a moment please, I too need to pass wind" Cecil stops for a second and another barely audible whoosh is released.
Two blocks further down the street the couple is passing a pub when a big burly sailor staggers out onto the footpath, lifts one leg and lets rip with a long, loud vibrato fart that echoed off the buildings across the street.
Cyril grabbed Cecil by the arm and said wistfully, "Look Cecil, a virgin"!

[Die Judicii]

Hey Gaznazdiak,,,,,,,,,,,, I always thought "MUSLIM" was a fine holey fabric.
Certainly not that which you portray.

[Die Judicii]

A fellow has a "quikie" with the kitchen hand one night.
At the last moment she said "Have you got a condom, I don't want to get pregnant"

The fellow said he didn't have one, but not to worry, he would improvise,,,, so he used his silk handkerchief.


Several years later the fellow was out walking and by chance met the woman.
She had twin boys.
He remarked,, "My, you have some fine young boys there."

The woman retorted,,,,, "If you were strained through a silk handkerchief, you'd be fine too."

[Oldbloke]

dead joey .jpg (198.02 KiB) Viewed 5579 times

[Oldbloke]

The C I A had an opening for an assassin. After all the

background checks, interviews and testing were done,

there were three finalists: two men and a

woman. For the final test, the C I A agents took one
of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no
matter what the circumstances. Inside
the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
Kill her."

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could
never shoot my wife. The agent said, "Then you
are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and
go home.

The second man was given the same instructions. He
took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for
about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his
eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife.
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so
take your wife and go home.

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given
the same instructions to kill her husband. She took
the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one
after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman, wiping sweat from her brow. "The gun was
loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to kill him

with the chair.

[Gaznazdiak]

[Gaznazdiak]

Something all real men love

[Gaznazdiak]

A US Marine Sniper was being interviewed by a reporter from Stars and Stripes.
The reporter asked, "Do you feel anything when you shoot someone"?
"Of course" replied the sniper.
"What is it you feel" pushed the reporter.
"Recoil."

[Gaznazdiak]

Hi Die Judici
Your comment launched me on a search for Muslim fabric.
All I could find was this Radical Moose Lamb fabric.

[Member-Deleted]

Two blokes sitting in a pub telling each other fishing tales ,One bloke who was good at stretching the truth says to the other ''When we went fishing last weekend i caught a 90kg mackeral
The other bloke said thats not bad we got a 30kg jew fish and while we were playing him i knocked the kerosene lantern over the side but after 6hrs we snagged it up
to the top and it was still alight
The mackeral man frowned and said that wouldn't be right the water would have put the lantern out
The jew fish man said well if you knock a few kg's off the mackeral i'll blow out the lantern

[Gaznazdiak]

I was watching an ABC 24 news report this morning about a mudslide in Switzerland and the newsreader said that people were evacuated using Swiss Army Helicopters, couldn't help but wonder how many fold out attachments THEY must have.

[Gaznazdiak]

Tony Abbott talking to Malcolm Turnbull

[Oldbloke]

never too late.png (512.26 KiB) Viewed 5763 times

[Oldbloke]

Branch Manager.jpg (67.91 KiB) Viewed 5759 times

[Oldbloke]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the Doctor asked him 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse.


Still holding the cow's tail up I yelled to my wife:


'Hey, this looks like yours!'

'I don't remember much after that.'

[Member-Deleted]

Old bull and young bull standing on a hill watching a herd of cows
The young bull says to the old bull come on old fella lets run down and shag a cow
The old bull says ''Nope we'll walk slowly, take our time and shag the whole lot''

Cheers

[RoginaJack]

Sheep grazier on 30,000 acres out in Western NSW is loosing heaps of lambs to feral dogs and has asked for assistance.

Says to Trapper" There are at least 6 dogs causing the problem that I've seen in 2 packs. You can trap but NO poison or BAITS of any description and I don't allow other dogs on the property and you must stay on the main tracks - I don't allow any vehicles of the main tracks.
Trapper, " my dog is a scent dog, sniffs out were the dogs are piddling, crapping and what tracks they're travelling."
Grazier reluctantly lets dog on property but under leash and must be muzzled at all times.
Grazier, " you can't use the shearers quarters for camping, showers or changing, since the wife left, I have to do all the cleaning. There is room in town at the pub, about 2 hours drive. Also, I don't pay for anything and I usually charge $250 a week to cover my insurance. When can you start and for how long?"
Guess who still has a dog problem?

[Gaznazdiak]

A couple in their 80s were reminiscing about their past sex life when the the wife asked "What was the most exciting time for you Dear?"
Without having to think about it the old man replied with a toothless leer, "I've never had such exciting sex as that time I caught you bending over getting fish fingers out of the freezer last year."
"Ah that was a good one wasn't it," said the wife, "shame it got us banned from Woolies though."

[Oldbloke]

Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.

My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.

My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.

Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound.

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.



The wife replies, The a--hole had a paper round.

[Gaznazdiak]

[Gaznazdiak]

[Member-Deleted]

Two old blokes sitting in a pub skiting about who had experienced the most pain in one instance
The first old fella said ,'' one day he was playing around with a hammer and hit his thumb taking off his nail''
The other old bloke said,'' well that would have hurt''but one day i needed to go to the toilet so i tore around behind a big tree and sat
right down on a dingo trap and it slammed shut on my family jewels bag and all
''Jesus'' ! said the first bloke that would have really hurt
The other bloke looked at him and said ''Yeah it did but not as much as when i hit the end of the chain''

[Oldbloke]

I walked into the bar the other day and there were three hefty ladies talking in what I guessed was a Scottish accent.
I said; "Are you three Lassies from Scotland?"
"It's Wales you idiot" one of them screamed at me.
So I said; "Are you three whales from Scotland then?"
That's the last thing I remember.

[Gaznazdiak]

[Gaznazdiak]