Jokes

[Oldbloke]

The Best Divorce Letter,ever !
FIRST LETTER:
My Dear husband:
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you.
I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Wife.
Don't try to find me.
Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand together!
Have a great life!


REPLY: Dear Ex-wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & bitching.
Too bad that doesn't work any more.

I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!'
Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment...... and when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years.

About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.

So when I won the $20 million Lotto, on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Paris, but when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess?

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.
I hope that's not a problem.

[Die Judicii]

A recently divorced man was walking along a beach, and found a bottle with a genie in it.
When he uncorked the bottle and released the genie, the genie said,,,,,,,,,,

I can grant you 3 wishes for releasing me,,, but be advised,, whatever you wish for your ex wife will receive double.

So the man says, for the 1st wish can I have a Ferrari ?

Certainly said the genie,, but remember your ex will get two Ferraris.

OK the man said, and so, for my 2nd wish can I have a luxury home in tropical paradise ?

Certainly said the genie,, but remember your ex will get two luxury homes in tropical paradise.

No worries said the man that's ok.

The genie asked the man what he would like for his 3rd and final wish.

The man replied,,,,,,,,, Could you please beat me half to death ?

[BRNO_Bigot]

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!

Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.

My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success.

Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."

[COLLECTOR 1]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane..

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat ... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his..

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going

to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk

some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of

all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who

are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really

be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Collector 1

[Gaznazdiak]

There are 10 kinds of people when it comes binary mathematics, those who understand it and those who don't.

[Gaznazdiak]

The America Journal of Psychology has determined that there are 2 basic psychological types of people, those who can extrapolate from given data,

[BRNO_Bigot]

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer
negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price the sheerer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it
to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for
myself.'


She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.


The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

[BRNO_Bigot]

There are 10 kinds of people when it comes binary mathematics, those who understand it and those who don't.

There are II kinds of people, those who understand Roman numerals and those who don't.

[Stix]

A young boy's budgie has died & is laying in the bottom of the cage...

Boy--"Dad whats wrong with my budgie...?"

Dad--"ah son, unfortunately the budgie has died"

Boy--"so why is it laying on its back with its legs in the air"

Dad--"err...uumm...well thats so the angels can pick it up & take it up to God in heaven"

Boy--"gee Dad, mummy nearly died the other day...!"

Dad--"what are you talking about son, your mum is fine"

Boy--"well dad the other day when i came home from school, mum was lying on the lounge floor with her legs in the air yelling 'oh God im coming im coming, & she might have died & gone to heaven if it wasnt for Mr Smith next door holding her down..."

[Oldbloke]

Are your job interviews up to speed?

https://youtu.be/b56eAUCTLok

[COLLECTOR 1]

And truely that's what it's like sometimes....hahahaha.....believe me

Collector 1

[Daddybang]

A good dog!!

20170920_082114.jpeg (106.8 KiB) Viewed 5748 times

[Gaznazdiak]

[Gaznazdiak]

There are 10 kinds of people when it comes binary mathematics, those who understand it and those who don't.

There are II kinds of people, those who understand Roman numerals and those who don't.

I'll pay that

[BRNO_Bigot]

I went to Dan Murphy's on my bicycle last Friday afternoon, bought a bottle of the Black Label Johnny Walker that was on special & carefully stowed it in the bicycle basket.


As I was about to leave, I thought to myself........ if I fell off the bicycle,

the bottle would break.

So I rested......& drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision,

because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home!

[Die Judicii]

I went to Dan Murphy's on my bicycle last Friday afternoon, bought a bottle of the Black Label Johnny Walker that was on special & carefully stowed it in the bicycle basket.


As I was about to leave, I thought to myself........ if I fell off the bicycle,

the bottle would break.

So I rested......& drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision,

because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home!

It's easy to pick those that take the risk of NOT falling off,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
They are the ones with black tongues and bitumin breath.

[Gwion]

I went to Dan Murphy's on my bicycle last Friday afternoon, bought a bottle of the Black Label Johnny Walker that was on special & carefully stowed it in the bicycle basket.


As I was about to leave, I thought to myself........ if I fell off the bicycle,

the bottle would break.

So I rested......& drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision,

because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home!

Nice one, but the basket on your bike is a bit weird... Are you an 11yo girl???

[BRNO_Bigot]

I went to Dan Murphy's on my bicycle last Friday afternoon, bought a bottle of the Black Label Johnny Walker that was on special & carefully stowed it in the bicycle basket.


As I was about to leave, I thought to myself........ if I fell off the bicycle,

the bottle would break.

So I rested......& drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision,

because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home!

Nice one, but the basket on your bike is a bit weird... Are you an 11yo girl???

No, but I stole it from one ...

[Member-Deleted]

Little Billy was at school and his teacher asked him what would you like when you grow up maybe a house or a car or a bike ?
NAH Billy said just a G-string to wear
Teacher asks '' Just a G-string '' ?
YEP! Said Billy nothing else just a G-string
Teacher is a little bewildered and asks '' and why would that be '' ?
Little Billy replies ''Well my sister wears only that to collect the mail and she was given all those things by the nice men in my town
so why would I use my money to buy them ''?

[Gaznazdiak]

[Oldbloke]

Two drunks are walking around Melbourne when one suddenly disappears down the subway. His mate walks around for a few hours and finally finds his mate coming up out of a subway. Where the hell have you been? asks the guy waiting on the street. Down in some guys cellar and you should see the train set he has.

[Thom318]

What's the difference between a policeman's baton and a magician's wand?

The magician's wand is used for cunning stunts while the policeman's baton is used for stunning *blank*

[shapeshifter]

After making love to his missus one night... Harry rolls on his back and says: "I can see thats the best sex you had since we got married"

"Oh really, what makes you say that Harry?" His missus asked

"Each time I went in, your toes curled up!" He said proudly

"Harry, you didnt take my stockings off you idiot!"

[BRNO_Bigot]

An old priest lay dying in Woden's, Canberra Hospital. He had served
the people near the nation's capital, at Manuka for many years.
He motioned for the nurse to come near.
"Yes father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Malcolm Turnbull and Bill Shorten before I
die" whispered the priest.
"I will see what I can do" said the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to parliament house and waited for a
response. Soon an answer came back: Both Malcolm Turnbull and Bill
Shorten would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they were driven to the hospital in Malcolm's new BMW, Turnbull
commented to Shorten, "I don't know why this old priest wants to see
us, but it certainly will help our images and may even help our
re-election prospects."
Shorten agreed it was probably a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room the priest took Turnbull's hand
in his right hand and Shorten's hand in his left hand.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Shorten spoke "Father of all people you could have chosen, why
did you chose us to be with you at this time when your end is so
near?"
The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life
and behaviour after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
"Amen" said Turnbull.
"Amen" replied Shorten.
The old priest continued, "Jesus Christ our saviour died between two
lying thieving bastards, and I wanted to do the same."

[Daddybang]

20170926_134603.jpeg (96.61 KiB) Viewed 5725 times

[Die Judicii]

An old priest lay dying in Woden's, Canberra Hospital. He had served
the people near the nation's capital, at Manuka for many years.
He motioned for the nurse to come near.
"Yes father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Malcolm Turnbull and Bill Shorten before I
die" whispered the priest.
"I will see what I can do" said the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to parliament house and waited for a
response. Soon an answer came back: Both Malcolm Turnbull and Bill
Shorten would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they were driven to the hospital in Malcolm's new BMW, Turnbull
commented to Shorten, "I don't know why this old priest wants to see
us, but it certainly will help our images and may even help our
re-election prospects."
Shorten agreed it was probably a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room the priest took Turnbull's hand
in his right hand and Shorten's hand in his left hand.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Shorten spoke "Father of all people you could have chosen, why
did you chose us to be with you at this time when your end is so
near?"
The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life
and behaviour after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
"Amen" said Turnbull.
"Amen" replied Shorten.
The old priest continued, "Jesus Christ our saviour died between two
lying thieving bastards, and I wanted to do the same."

GOLD,,,,,,,,,,,

[darwindingo]

A bloke takes his son out fishing.

Being a very curious young lad he asks his dad “what is it that makes a boat float?”

The father replies “I have know idea son.”

After a while the young lad asks “Dad, how the hell do fish breathe underwater !!?”

Again the father replies, “I have absolutely no idea son.”…..

Next he asks “Why does mum get so angry when you go have beers or go shooting with the boy’s dad?”

Again his father replied “I have no idea son”…

After a couple of minutes, the son said “Sorry dad, I hope you don’t mind me asking you all of these questions"...

The father replies "hell no, of course not son.. If you don't ask questions, you never learn NOTHING".





Jeff

[Daddybang]

What type of bees produce milk?.


BOOBIES!!!!!!!

[JonBarskio]

What type of bees produce milk?.


BOOBIES!!!!!!!

Lol! This definitely made my day.

[Member-Deleted]

Hey Daddybang there's a sea bird called a blue footed boobie does it give milk to ? ( LOL )