Jokes

[Oldbloke]

Dicks

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[Oldbloke]

AN OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND ****ED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.

[Oldbloke]

Big Bad Don

We don't usually post links to internet but I thought it was quite funny.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALGkQq3RJ7k

[BRNO_Bigot]

...Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy (let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen.

[Oldbloke]

Not bad BB.

[BRNO_Bigot]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, ‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.’ The Irishman replies, ‘Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.

‘The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ‘I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.’

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. ‘Oh, no, ‘ he says, ‘Everyone is fine. I’ve just quit drinking!

[Oldbloke]

Its a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. Shes wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.

She does and Mr Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.

Now try lifting your dress up your thighs this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, Now, tell HIM you have a headache.

True story

[Oldbloke]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a
stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at
midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed
and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and
on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot
soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as
he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James
Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would
not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled
around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?

[Oldbloke]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra- curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.

He said nothing..

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, He walked home .... .and left it there all night.

[Cooper]

Q: How do you cancel an appointment with the sperm bank?
A: Simple. You just phone and say you can't cum any more.

[Cooper]

I know someone who was once a man trapped inside the body of a woman.

They will never keep lube and super glue in the same drawer ever again.

[Oldbloke]

Bruce and Trevor are beggars. They beg in different areas of Bondi.
Bruce begs just as long as Trevor but only collects two to three dollars every day.
Trevor brings home a suitcase full of ten-dollar notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Bruce says to Trevor, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how do you manage to bring home a suitcase full of ten-dollar notes every day?"
Trevor says, "Look at your sign. What does it say?"
Bruce's sign reads "I have no work, and have a wife and six kids to support".
Trevor says, "No wonder you only get two or three dollars."
Bruce says, 'So what does your sign say?'
Trevor shows Bruce his sign. It reads, 'I only need another ten dollars to move back to New Zealand'.

[Cooper]

During the medical examination of a female patient the doctor says "your heart, lungs,pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts to take off her nickers but is stopped by the doctor,
"No, no.....I meant for you to stick out your tongue!"

[Oldbloke]

For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting. When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles; there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"
"I suppose" the husband responded dryly "we could clean the house".

[Oldbloke]

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow. Presenter: "Wow!! This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?" "Sticks!" says Paddy.

[Gaznazdiak]

Two nuns are riding their bicycles through the cobbled streets of a small French village. One says to the other, "I like this village, I've never come this way before."
To which the other replied, "It's probably the cobblestones."

[Gaznazdiak]

For the ladies

[Daddybang]

[darwindingo]

The missus has been on and on about upgrading to a new fandangle bag less vacuum…

Although I can agree the concept of a bag less vacuum sounds sound’s like a pretty bloody good idea to me...

I’m just a little suspicious that it means that vacuuming is going to be my job from now on…

I ask what the hell is the old bag going to do now ?

[Stix]

Its a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. Shes wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.

She does and Mr Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.

Now try lifting your dress up your thighs this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, Now, tell HIM you have a headache.

True story

GOLD...!!!

[Stix]

Two mates having their ritual beer at the bar on a friday night....

Mick says to Dave "mate ive bad news, i cant come out for beers any more"...
Dave--"why not mate, whats up...?"

Mick--"its the missus, she hates it that i get home so late & stinking of beer & she says i make too much noise...i do my best to keep quiet when i get home, i park the car on the street so as to keep noise down, i take my shoes off at the door & get undressed in the lounge room, i tip toe to the bedroom & very carefully peel the covers back & ever so slowly get into bed...and no matter how quiet i am she always wakes up & gives me a hard time...!!!"

Dave--"ah mate see there's your problem...!!!... you need to take a leaf out of my book fella...see when i get home i rev the guts outa the ol' V8 in the drive, i fumble the keys as loud as i can at the door & slam it shut, i stomp to the bedroom & kick me boots off into the wardrobe door--'bang thwang', i peel off me clothes n chuck em accross the room & rip the covers clean off the bed, do a big sui dive onto the matress, & then i give the ol'girl a slap on the rump & say 'so hows about a good bit a bumpin uglies for ya hard workin man eh love'...
And fair dinkum mate i tell ya, she dont move a muscle & i dont hear a bludy peep...!!!..."

[darwindingo]

Two mates having their ritual beer at the bar on a friday night....

Mick says to Dave "mate ive bad news, i cant come out for beers any more"...
Dave--"why not mate, whats up...?"

Mick--"its the missus, she hates it that i get home so late & stinking of beer & she says i make too much noise...i do my best to keep quiet when i get home, i park the car on the street so as to keep noise down, i take my shoes off at the door & get undressed in the lounge room, i tip toe to the bedroom & very carefully peel the covers back & ever so slowly get into bed...and no matter how quiet i am she always wakes up & gives me a hard time...!!!"

Dave--"ah mate see there's your problem...!!!... you need to take a leaf out of my book fella...see when i get home i rev the guts outa the ol' V8 in the drive, i fumble the keys as loud as i can at the door & slam it shut, i stomp to the bedroom & kick me boots off into the wardrobe door--'bang thwang', i peel off me clothes n chuck em accross the room & rip the covers clean off the bed, do a big sui dive onto the matress, & then i give the ol'girl a slap on the rump & say 'so hows about a good bit a bumpin uglies for ya hard workin man eh love'...
And fair dinkum mate i tell ya, she dont move a muscle & i dont hear a bludy peep...!!!..."

That's a ripper.. !!

[Oldbloke]

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[Daddybang]

A good laugh to start the day fellas

[Sarco]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making bikie steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whaddaya gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, mate," the bikie says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."
"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, buy a drink, drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But hell, enough about me, how’s your day been?"

[Gaznazdiak]

He he

[Oldbloke]

Think you are having a bad day?

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. but keep reading....

Still think you 're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business..
About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.


Still having a bad day?Just remember, it could be worse...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you arehaving a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


STILL think you 're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany .
Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILLhaving a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

[BRNO_Bigot]

I was sitting at the computer the other day,
drafting my will, and I called out to my wife,



"WHEN I DIE, I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, MY LOVE!



She shouted back,

"YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY BASTARD!"

[Gwion]

Hahaha... sounds familiar!

[Daddybang]

Think you are having a bad day?

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. but keep reading....

Still think you 're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business..
About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.


Still having a bad day?Just remember, it could be worse...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you arehaving a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


STILL think you 're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany .
Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILLhaving a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Suddenly my day seems pretty f@#kin good!!!