Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 13 Dec 2018, 7:28 am

Die Judicii wrote:
Daddybang wrote:Although I've put this in the jokes section I reckon it's pretty accurate!!! :lol: :drinks:

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And on that note,,,,,,,,,,,, did you know that the Liberal Party is just like natural "Cream" ??

Rich, Thick, and full of Clots.
:lol:


:lol: :lol: :lol: :drinks:

Stix wrote:That reminds me of this one daddybang... ... ...


It aint easy being a dick...

You've got a head you cant think with...

An eye you cant see out of...

You have to put up with a couple of nuts hanging around all day...

Your closest neighbour is an arsehole...

And...your master beats you all the time...!!!


Love it stix :lol: :lol: :lol: :drinks:

Chappo wrote:My dog Minton ate a racket!
Bad Minton...


Chappo I think you'd be a funny bugger to have a coldie with! :lol: :drinks:
This hard living ain't as easy as it used to be!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Chappo » 13 Dec 2018, 11:07 am

Are you inviting me to Queensland db?
I’m a sucker for the bad dad jokes unfortunately!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 13 Dec 2018, 9:53 pm

L
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 14 Dec 2018, 8:50 am

An old wino goes into the local hardware store and asks for a bottle of metho.

"Bugger off you pisshead" says the owner, "You'll drink it"

"No mate, I'm aaah....I'm cleaning windows, yeah, that's what I'm doing."

They argue about it for a few minutes and finally the owner hands over the metho.

The wino picks up the bottle, then puts it down again and says "You haven't got a cold one, have you?"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 17 Dec 2018, 10:12 am

Undeterred by the recent passing of one of their contemporaries, three missionaries go to North Sentinel Island to try their hand at converting the local tribes.

They no sooner set foot on the island, when they are attacked by the natives, badly beaten, tied up and taken to the village.

Kneelling in the dirt in the middle of the village, the missionaries are surrounded by angry shouting natives, understandably concerned about their fate, when the Chief approaches them.

"We no want you come, our island, we punish you now" says the Chief.

"How are you going to punish us" asks a missionary"

"Punishment, death" says the Chief with a proud smile, "but today, my birthday so I let you choose, death or Boingo"

"What's Boingo" asks the missionary.

The Chief points to a big log near the fire, "We tie you to log, all men of tribe have sex in you."

The missionaries are horrified, they naturally dont want the Boingo business, but they know they'll get over it, and they'll definitely be killed if they don't choose it. So two of them accept that as their punishment.

The third is having none of that!

"I'd rather die than submit myself to such degrading treatment."

"Are you sure" ask his friends.

"Yes" and to the Chief he says "Well, get on with it you bloody savage."

The Chief turns to his excited people.

"Today, for my birthday we have three punishments. Two will be Boingo, one will be death."

The tribe are going crazy, cheering and yelling.

As his choice has him wondering, the third missionary looks to the Chief and asks "So how do you execute people here?"

The Cheif smiles down at him and says "By BOINGO"
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Re: Jokes

Post by TassieTiger » 17 Dec 2018, 10:24 pm

3 deer hunters are way out the back of qld and sitting around talking about the fruits of their labour’s.

All 3 had scored well and shot their quota.

As they sit around shooting the breeze on their last day, one of the hunters says - well, it’s time fellas, I call in the pilot to come get us.

Sure enough, 30 mins later a small Cessna plane lands and saddles up to the group.
The pilot jumps out and says gents, bad news - those 3 deer you have are going to put the plane over the limit - the run way is too short and well - we can’t take them all...

The hunters looked at each other and then turned back to the pilot - “ are you a man or a mouse”
“Any decent pilot could do it”
“Come on mate, we’ve been here a week”

The pilot thinks a bit and says, sorry - no. I can’t risk it.

The hunters now sensing a pause - pour the pressure on...” you soft cock. Not even a real pilot are you...” and on and on went the torment.

Finally, the pilot reluctantly gives in.
The cabin is cramped and packed.
Tail of the plane is pushed back as far as possible, engines screaming...and they are off - hunters hollering and whooping away.

The plane thunders along, faster and faster, the pilot rotates the nose at the very last minute and the plane starts climbing...but just as they thought they were clear - a tree catches the wing and catapults the plane in to the ground, at 200kmh.

There is horrid noise, deer meat and plane everywhere.
The pilot is unconscious but alive. The three hunters are broken but alive and thrown clear of the plane into the Bush.

Dave, the first hunter sees Bill lying there, propped on his elbow smoking a cigar - and says - “farken oath mate, that was epic lol - where the Fark are we?”
Bill casually looks around and says - “well looking at thAt broken tree back there, we are about 200 metres further on than last year”...
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Re: Jokes

Post by TassieTiger » 17 Dec 2018, 10:25 pm

What do you call an aboriginal sitting in the cockpit of a plane??

A pilot you racist bastards!!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by grandadbushy » 17 Dec 2018, 10:31 pm

Call them ''SIR'' to do otherwise could be fatal '' lol''
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Re: Jokes

Post by TassieTiger » 17 Dec 2018, 10:33 pm

A koala bear is sitting in his tree when he sees a large lizard walking along, puffing a smoke.

The koala calls down - “hey man, that smoke smells like some top level gunja, care to share?”

The lizard looks up and says, “sure man - I’ll come up”.

The koala and lizard sit there getting stoned as, laughing and giggling away, when the lizard says “man - I need a drink, I’m dying of thirst here...”

The koala says, there’s a big river down that trail about 70m - youcant see it but it’s lovely cold water.”

The lizard, says I’ll go get a drink and come back.

So off the lizard goes, but when he gets to the river, he starts drinking and then can’t stop laughing.

Just thena huge crocodile comes up and says - hey Liz, wtf are you laughing at?
Liz says, mate - me and this koala have been getting so whacked, the stupid bear can’t move - he is stuck in his tree, just up the trail.
The croc says bulls hit...I gotta see this.

So the croc starts waking up the trail and sure enough he sees a koala sitting in a tree - clearly stoned and squinting down at the crocodile.
The koala blinks a few times, squints and looks down and says - “ s**t man, how much did you have to drink?”
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Re: Jokes

Post by grandadbushy » 17 Dec 2018, 10:46 pm

Farmer joe had a bantam rooster and its sex drive was such that every thing in the yard was fair game ducks, geese, chooks, everything
so farmer joe was sick of the rooster chasing everything so he said to the rooster '' If you don't stop shagging everything you catch
you will shag yourself to death
One morning farmer joe looks out his kitchen window and there he was the rooster laying on his back, legs in the air in the hot sun so joe mumbled to
himself '' I told that rooster he'd kill himself the way he was going'' so out goes joe to bury the old rooster as he got close and bent over to pick the rooster up the rooster opened one eye and said '' clear out !! i'm waiting for that hawk to get closer''
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 18 Dec 2018, 9:07 am

For the older F1 fans
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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 20 Dec 2018, 7:18 pm

I'll just leave this here! :mrgreen: :lol: :drinks:

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Re: Jokes

Post by Sarco » 20 Dec 2018, 9:41 pm

Ban Them All!
Since the banning of "Baby Its Cold Outside" in light of the #MeToo movement, please boycott these Christmas songs
"I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" because it exploits endangered Hippos.
While we are at it the same goes for:
“Santa Clause is Coming to Town" = Fake News
"Little Drummer Boy" = Gender Neutral
"White Christmas" = Racist and xenophobic
"O' Come all Ye Faithful" = Exclusive
"God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" = Anti-Feminist
"All I Want for Christmas is You" = Stalking
"Blue Christmas" = implies male/boy righteousness
"The 12 Days of Christmas" = anti-Semitic (8 days)
"Santa Baby" = Reverse #metoo and exploits handouts
"Winter Wonderland" = dismisses wonderlands that don't have winter
"Its the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" = exclusive against 4th of July and Summer
"Let it Snow" = Not fair to those where it does not snow
"Do You Hear What I Hear" = insensitive to hearing impaired
"All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth" = offensive to meth addicts
And last but not least....
"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" = promotes adultery
If this offends anyone, please don’t bother to tell me as I just don’t care.... I truly don’t.
I drink coffee stronger than your feelings.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Chappo » 21 Dec 2018, 7:47 pm

Bought a pair of shoes from my drug dealer and I dunno what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 30 Dec 2018, 8:28 pm

How do you know if someone you meet is a vegan.

The fvcker will tell you.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Sarco » 30 Dec 2018, 8:58 pm

A couple were holidaying overseas. They wanted to bring home a special present for their granddaughter.
They went into a fancy shop and were looking around for a nice piece of clothing. They couldn't decide which one to pick so asked the salesman for some help.
"If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend, what would you get?" the grandfather asked

"A bulletproof one," the salesman replied. "I'm married."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Sarco » 30 Dec 2018, 9:01 pm

A platoon of soldiers was patrolling north of Fallujah when they came upon an Isis terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar, but less serious, state.
The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.
The soldier reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, when a heavily armed insurgent approached from the opposite direction. We saw each other and both of us took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that the ISIS leader al - Baghdadi was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who would get what he deserves.
He yelled back that Bill Shorten is a unionist, good for - nothing, left wing d**khead who knows bugger all about how to run Australia and should stand down as boss of the ALP.
So I said that the new Isis leader dresses and acts like a frigid, mean - spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Penny Wong!'
And there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands

When a bloody truck hit us.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Chappo » 21 Feb 2019, 6:53 pm

Someone stole my mood ring and I just don’t know how to feel about that :unknown:
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