Jokes

[Oldbloke]

My wife and I went to the cattle auction at Tralee the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if every time he mated, it was with the same old cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery

[Die Judicii]

My wife and I went to the cattle auction at Tralee the other week,,,,,,,,,,

'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if every time he mated, it was with the same old cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery

A bit like,,,,,, Tri weekly,, then, Try weekly,, then, Try weakly.

[Die Judicii]

ENGLISH LANGUAGE COMPETITION ON THE RADIO

A radio station had a competition running whereby a listener could call in, and try to stump the disc jockey with a word that he hadn't heard of before.

It had been running for a fair while, and the jockey had not yet been caught out.
Then one day he got a caller that quoted the word "Garn"
The jockey said to the caller "Can you put that in a sentence ?"

The caller replied, Yep, that's easy,,, You can all "Garn" get f@cked.

So the radio announcer got all upset, hung up on the caller,,, and proceeded to say on air that the previous caller was banned.

Many weeks went by and the incident had been forgotten.

Then one day a caller rang in and said "I bet I can stump ya"
So, the jockey said OK, what's your word ??

The caller said "Smee"
The jockey said "Can you put that in a sentence ?"

The caller replied, Yep, "It's Smee again,, and you can all Garn get f@cked"

[Farmerpete]

A Frenchman a Canadian ad an Aussie are drinking in the pub talking about the world when the Frenchman boasts the French are the best lovers, when i make love to my wife i cover her in champagne and lick it off she gets so excited she rises 3 inches off the bed.

The Canadian says that's nothing I cover my wife in maple syrup and when I lick it off she gets so excited she lifts a foot off the bed.

They look at the Aussie and he replies you blokes don't got anything on me, when I finish with my old lady I get out of bed and fart then wipe my dick on the curtain and she hits the roof

[Blr243]

Most people are aware that the life expectancy of a man is on average less than that of a woman.....why do men die before their wives? Because they want too

[Die Judicii]

A young fella gets a job at a country store (the type that sells a little bit of everything) and starts out on his first day.

Soon a farmer comes in and asks for a bag of working dog dry food.
The young fella gets a bag, takes the cash, and says to the farmer, Have a Nice Day.

The store owner saw this,, and says to the young fella,,,,, I'll teach you something about retail. I'll serve the next customer, and you watch & learn.

Soon a new home owner comes in and says,, "Can I have a packet of lawn seed please ?"
The owner plonks a packet of seed on the counter and says,,,,,,,,,,,
Would you like some fertiliser ?
The customer thinks and says,,, "yeah, I probly will, thanks."

Then the owner swings into top gear sales mode and says,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Well,, if your planting a new lawn along with seed and fertiliser,,,,, you'll also need a roller, a hose, a sprinkler, and a lawnmower.

The customer says, "Why yes of course,,,,,, thanks."
So he pays for all the gear and off he goes.

Storeowner says to the young fella,,,, "See,,, I just turned a $2.00 packet of lawn seed into a several hundred dollars sale. Do you get the picture ?"

The young fella said YEP,,, I'll prove it.

Short time later a good looking sheila walks in and asks for a packet of tampons.

The young fella slapped a packet down on the counter and said,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Certainly Miss,,,,,,,,, but, would you like a lawn mower to go with them ?

The young lass says "Excuse me,,,,,, ???????"

The young fella replied,,, "Well,,,,, your weekend's f*ucked in a big way,,,, so you may as well be useful and mow the lawns.

[CrackThump]

Haaa.. theres some gold in this thread lol.. righteous stuff guys..

Time for me to get banned from the thread with some good old school offensiveness.



Q. What do you call a black man flying an aeroplane.?

A. a pilot, you racist bastards.!!!

[Oldbloke]

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my upper torso.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I shot him, the little b-stard.

[Oldbloke]

A few years ago a rural petrol station owner was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local farmer pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The farmer guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same farmer , along with his brother, Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said,"Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.
As they were driving away, the farmer said to his brother, "I think the game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Mick replied, "No it ain't, Billy. It is correct mum got free sex the last four times she filled the landrover

[Oldbloke]

A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning.
He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the ute and down the driveway he goes.
As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down, it is like a torrential downpour.
There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
Minutes later, he returns to the garage.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel.
He finds its going to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wifes back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers. The weather out there is terrible.
To which she sleepily replies, Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?

He doesn't go fishing on weekends any more.

[Oldbloke]

Condom factory burns down in New Zealand :

Helen Clarke, ex-Prime Minister of New Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergincy !! I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground. It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."
PM: "Shut !! The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. W'ill be ruined."
Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from Brutain ?"
PM: "No chence. The Poms will have a field day on thus one.
Hilth Munister: "What about Australia ?"
PM: "I'll call Scut Murrisun. Tell him we need one million condoms, ten enches long and eight enches thuck. That way they'll continue to respect the 'All Blacks'."
Three days later, a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes that arrived at the Pist Office.
She finds one million condoms - 10 enches long, 8 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one.
"MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM"

[womble]

I like my COVID like my women

19 and easily spread

[womble]

What do you call a gay person on fire ?

LGBBQ

[Oldbloke]

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

[Oldbloke]

An elderly couple were taking a stroll when a seagull flies over & relieves itself on the old lady's head.
"Yuk" she said, "Quick, get me some toilet tissue'.
"What for?" asks the man, "he must be half a mile away by now!"

[cz515]

Zeige

[Oldbloke]

Zeige

[Member-Deleted]

Zeige

Is that sexual harassment?

[cz515]

BangWhizzClack


Ok ok probably once is the limit of this joke. How about when i google your name somehow this picture comes up

Screenshot_20201204-194003_Google.jpg (460.26 KiB) Viewed 5185 times

[Member-Deleted]

BangWhizzClack


Ok ok probably once is the limit of this joke. How about when i google your name somehow this picture comes up

Screenshot_20201204-194003_Google.jpg

Inaccurate, that's WhizzBangCluck. Rice Bubble was better, not sure it can be topped honestly.

[Peter988]

A young fella gets a job at a country store (the type that sells a little bit of everything) and starts out on his first day.

Soon a farmer comes in and asks for a bag of working dog dry food.
The young fella gets a bag, takes the cash, and says to the farmer, Have a Nice Day.

The store owner saw this,, and says to the young fella,,,,, I'll teach you something about retail. I'll serve the next customer, and you watch & learn.

Soon a new home owner comes in and says,, "Can I have a packet of lawn seed please ?"
The owner plonks a packet of seed on the counter and says,,,,,,,,,,,
Would you like some fertiliser ?
The customer thinks and says,,, "yeah, I probly will, thanks."

Then the owner swings into top gear sales mode and says,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Well,, if your planting a new lawn along with seed and fertiliser,,,,, you'll also need a roller, a hose, a sprinkler, and a lawnmower.

The customer says, "Why yes of course,,,,,, thanks."
So he pays for all the gear and off he goes.

Storeowner says to the young fella,,,, "See,,, I just turned a $2.00 packet of lawn seed into a several hundred dollars sale. Do you get the picture ?"

The young fella said YEP,,, I'll prove it.

Short time later a good looking sheila walks in and asks for a packet of tampons.

The young fella slapped a packet down on the counter and said,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Certainly Miss,,,,,,,,, but, would you like a lawn mower to go with them ?

The young lass says "Excuse me,,,,,, ???????"

The young fella replied,,, "Well,,,,, your weekend's f*ucked in a big way,,,, so you may as well be useful and mow the lawns.

Same young bloke was at the counter when another girl asked for a hinge for a door. Young bloke, still trying to multi-sale asked, would you like a screw for the hinge? She replied - no but I’ll suck you off for the toaster over there.

[Sarco]

Yesterday my daughter emailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

"Like, sitting around the pool, drinking wine isn't a good thing? I asked. Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.

She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested I go down to the Senior Centre and hang out with the fellas. So I did, and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her.

I sent her an email saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 86-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."


"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I've signed up for five jumps a week!"

The line went dead.

[Sarco]

Jack.jpeg (243.05 KiB) Viewed 5172 times

[Oldbloke]

A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.
The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you 're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."
Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

[Oldbloke]

In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector
about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My neighbours claim that I've violated the Neighbourhood Bye-Laws by building the Ark in my
back garden and exceeding the height limitations.
We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."
"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money
for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions,
to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem.
There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodations were too restrictive,
and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
"Then the Australian Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until
they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission
on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building gang."
"Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The trades unions say I can't use my sons.
They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience."
"To make matters worse, the ATO seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it will take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."
Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord.
" The Government beat me to it."

[Oldbloke]

A farmer got in his truck. He drove a while down the road to a neighbouring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12 years old, opened the door.

Is your dad home? the farmer asked.

No sir, he isnt, the boy replied. He went to town.d the farmer. Is your mum home?

No, she isnt here either. She went to town with Dad.

Well then, how about your brother, Joe. Is he here?

No sir, he went with Mum and Dad.

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

Is there anything I can do for you? inquired the young boy politely. I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad.

Well, said the farmer uncomfortably, I really wanted to talk to your dad. Its about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Mae, pregnant.

The boy considered for a moment. You would have to talk to Dad about that, he finally conceded. I know that he charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but I really dont know how much he gets for Joe.

[Oldbloke]

A wine company was hiring a taster, someone to taste the wines before selling them to public.
So they placed adverts & one afternoon, a dirty, rough looking man
walks into the Manager's office asking to be employed.
The manager tried to figure out how he could drive the man away but couldn't come up with an idea, so he decided to give the man a trial.
He ordered his secretary to give the man a glass of wine,
he takes a sip & said "Its red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in a steel containers".
That's correct! The manager exclaimed, well give him another one lets see.
So he gave the man another glass of wine,
he takes a sip again & said " Its red wine, cabernet, eight years old, southwestern slope,
oak barrels" Incredible! said the manager.
Now the manager went closer to his secretary & whispered to her saying
" go get some of your urine in a cup lets see if he will get that.
So the man was given the cup of urine,he takes a sip, turns to the manager & said
"Female urine, 26years old, 2 weeks pregnant &
if I'm not given this job, sir I will tell your wife who is responsible for the pregnancy"

[Oldbloke]

When I was young, I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters “PNEIS” into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered “SPINE” are doctors today.

The rest of us are posting jokes on forums. Lol

[Oldbloke]

A woman goes to the doctor, worried about her husbands temper
The doctor says ' whats the problem'
The woman says ' doc i dont know what to do, every day my husband loses his temper at me for no reason
The doctor says 'I can help you , so when u think your husband is starting to get angry , get a glass of water and take a sip, DONT swallow just swirl it around your mouth until your husband calms down or leaves the room. A couple of weeks later back at the doctors office the woman tells the doctor how brilliant his idea was and how calm her husband has been since she has been swirling the water around in her mouth
So the woman asks the doctor how a glass of water would cure his temper
The doctor says The water has nothing to do with it its you keeping your mouth shut

[Oldbloke]

LARGE WILLY

A Guy with a 25-inch Willy went to a Doctor and said,
"I can't live with this Big Willy anymore..! It's too long."
The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the Witch Doctor, down in the Bay, she can help you."
So, he went to the Bay, and saw the Witch Doctor.
The Witch Doctor said, "Go into the Swamp and find a Female Frog.
"Ask her to Marry You. She'll say "NO", and you'll lose 5 inches off your Member immediately".
So, he went to the Swamp and found the Female Frog and asked her, "Will you marry me"..??? "NO", she said.
And right enough, he lost 5 inches off his Member.
The Guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is still just a little too much.
So he asked the Frog again, "Will You Marry Me"..??? The Frog said,
"NO". And the Guy lost another 5 inches.
He thought, Good, 15 inches is great, but 10 inches would just be perfect.
So he asked her again, "Will You Marry Me"..???
And the Frog said,

"How many f***ing times do I have to tell you.. NO..! NO..! NO...!"