Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post by Tiger650 » 11 Dec 2020, 10:45 am

Bloke working in an "Adult" shop when a rough looking Shiela walks in and asks to see the dildo selection.
Bloke points to the wall behind her and she wanders off.
she wanders back a couple of minutes later and points to the display and says "I want the red one".
Bloke tells her she cannot have it, not for sale, Rough Shiela gets cranky and insists that he sell it to her.
Bloke looks her in the eye and says "Shire will shut us down if we don't have a fire extinguisher on the premises".
Last edited by Tiger650 on 11 Dec 2020, 11:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 11 Dec 2020, 10:46 am

Oldbloke wrote:A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.
The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"


A CIA boss was on holiday, and travelling the country side.
He stopped in a quaint little country town for a meal,, and while looking for a suitable shop he couldn't help but notice there were targets drawn on street signs, shop walls, shop windows, and cars.
And, every single one of them had a bullet hole smack bang in the center.

He sees a man walking towards him, and asked,,,,,, "Who is responsible for all this shooting of targets ?"

The man replies,,, Ah yes,,, that would be Jasper the village idiot.

So,,,,,, thinking he'd stumbled on a perfect and natural candidate for a CIA assasin he arranges to meet up with Jasper.

The CIA boss wastes no time, and asks Jasper,,, How did you manage to become such a good shot,, because every target you have hit is a perfect shot ?

Ahhhhh yes,,,,,,, replied Jasper, That's easy,,,, I just do a whole heap of shooting, then I go find the bullet holes, and draw the targets.
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Tiger650 » 11 Dec 2020, 11:05 am

Sort of a joke but more of a putdown for an unpleasant person.

I was ready to retire so short of f#c&s to give.

Shiela got transferred from HQ to our Melb office and proceeded to make life hard for the ladies in the office, they were an excellent crew but she was an arrogant bitch and protected species for some reason.

She never missed an opportunity to ingratiate herself with management, totally different attitude than the way she treated the Ladies.

One morning she rolled into work and began to make the point to three senior managers [Vic / Tas Mgr and two Dept heads] that even though she had the 'flu she had come to work etc.

I wandered over, held up two fingers and said "Chaff bag soaked in Dettol over the head would serve two purposes".

Had she wanted to register an official complaint it would have had to go to the Vic / Tas Mgr, he was laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes.

The look of pure hatred on her face made me laugh just as hard.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Ziege » 11 Dec 2020, 12:48 pm

I have encountered quite a few of these women, I had to stop working jobs in office environments because I refuse not to call them out on their c**khead attitudes. Always leads to drama whether someone says something or not, I just figure all the people in their lives must be pushovers or complete cucks so they are used to getting away with treating everyone like s**t... Many a smart ass remark like the above has left my lips with 0 Fks given.

well done champ.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 30 Dec 2020, 10:29 pm

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,'OK old fart, Time for you to retire.'

The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle

ALL of these chickens.

Look what it has done to me

Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'



The young rooster says,

'Beat it: You are washed up

And I am taking over.'

The old rooster says,

'I tell you what, young stud.

I will race you around the farmhouse.. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'



The young rooster laughs.

'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.

So, just to be fair,

I will give you a head start.'



The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.

They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.





He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch

When he sees the roosters running by.



The Old Rooster is squawking

And running as hard as he can.

The Farmer grabs his shotgun and

- BOOM -

He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,



'Dammit...

Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 02 Jan 2021, 6:24 pm

Little Johnny was at school and the teacher was trying to further explain the Corona Virus.

She asks,, Can any of you give me a sentence that uses the word "contagious" ?

Little Johnny jumps up and says Yes Miss,, The other day my Dad and I were driving through Chinatown, and there was a man wheeling a trolley
full of apples in crates across the road.
My Dad swerved a little bit and hit the back of the trolley.
Apples went flying in all directions.

My Dad just laughed and said,,,,,,,, "That'll take the Contagious to pick all them up."
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 02 Jan 2021, 9:50 pm

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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 02 Jan 2021, 10:49 pm

One Monday morning a postman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the postman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild.
We got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'Who Am I.'"
The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 11 Jan 2021, 10:37 am

One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Well, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to
him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 12 Jan 2021, 10:35 pm

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Re: Jokes

Post by cz515 » 13 Jan 2021, 2:46 pm

Oldbloke wrote:One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Well, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to
him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.



Umm was that the joke... almost feels like we missed half of it
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 18 Jan 2021, 9:13 pm

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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 18 Jan 2021, 9:17 pm

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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 18 Jan 2021, 9:28 pm

Blind date.

Joe took his blind date to the carnival.
"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy!!.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Potatoes » 21 Jan 2021, 9:23 pm

Little 7 year old Jayden one day, after over hearing his older brothers kayden and wade playing COD, was curious as what a bitch and a pussy was. He went up to his mum and asks “mum, whats a pussy?” And his mother points to the cat and says thats a pussy. He further enquires “mum, whats a bitch?” And his mother promptly points to the family dog and explains that a female dog is a bitch. Wanting to confirm this newfound information with his father, he asks “dad, whats a pussy?” And his old man pulls out an old picture mag, flicks to the centrefold and circles the appropriate part. “Thats a pussy son”. “Ok dad, and whats a bitch?” “Everything outside the circle.”
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 22 Jan 2021, 8:51 pm

My days of youth are over, my touch of light is out. What used to be my sex appeal is now just a water spout. It used to be embarrassing the way it would behave, for every bloody morning, it stood and watched me shave. But now as old age approaches it sure gives me the blues,, to see it hang its head in shame, and watch me clean my shoes.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 27 Jan 2021, 11:32 pm

Female Medical Examination


During a lady's medical examination, the British doctor says, "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.



Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."



The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.


"No! No! .... Just stick out your tongue!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 27 Jan 2021, 11:44 pm

Paddy went down to his local for a pint, whilst there he ran into his mate Mick. After a while Mick said Hows the missus Paddy. Dead said Paddy "I murdered her. Of course Mick didnt believe him but after a while Paddy finally convinced Mick that he had actually killed his wife.

Come on he said I will take you home and show you were I buried her

So off they went and Paddy took Mick out to the backyard to show him where she was.

There she is said Paddy pointing to a recently dug up piece of dirt but the only thing Mick could see was an arse sticking up out of the ground.

good heavens Paddy why didnt you bury all of her


Wait for it






















Needed somewhere to park me bike said Paddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 31 Jan 2021, 12:26 pm

A cranky older woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store. The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches you old fool." The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?" The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach." As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

"Yes sir, what do you have to add?"

The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole two cans of peas
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Re: Jokes

Post by cz515 » 31 Jan 2021, 1:52 pm

Wonder if the judge was a female or a male, with those cans of peas
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Re: Jokes

Post by Skinna » 31 Jan 2021, 4:03 pm

cz515 wrote:Wonder if the judge was a female or a male, with those cans of peas


Hikllarious...especially coming from a left wing troll who continually baits free thinking people...

Are you missing the free-thinkers so much that you have to turn against your own kind now...?
Be funny if a few feminists got wind of this & joined in to challenge you...be like watching the fat render into crackling over coals on a spit... :lol:

Need to post this in the thread about stupid comments too...!!
Seriously its a joke thread--& the funniest thing is that you dont see the irony of your comment in this thread... :lol:

:drinks:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Sarco » 31 Jan 2021, 7:59 pm

One Sunday, when counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.

It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed.

"Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said.

"Where does he practice?"

"In Nevada.

He has two cathouses - one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Sarco » 31 Jan 2021, 8:00 pm

One for the ladies

While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say "Your Honor, I'm guilty but..... There were extenuating circumstances."
The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too, so I listened as the lady told her story.
"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?" I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered.
I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap! Complete darkness, the power was off!
Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise grip alone are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy... The door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back. "Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire," found me... standing on my tip-toes, half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did, but thanks anyway." "OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between clamps....
The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed".
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 31 Jan 2021, 8:52 pm

Lol. Thx sarco.
Better than that joke called skinner. :thumbsup:
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Re: Jokes

Post by cz515 » 01 Feb 2021, 6:47 am

Skinna wrote:
cz515 wrote:Wonder if the judge was a female or a male, with those cans of peas


Hikllarious...especially coming from a left wing troll who continually baits free thinking people...

Are you missing the free-thinkers so much that you have to turn against your own kind now...?
Be funny if a few feminists got wind of this & joined in to challenge you...be like watching the fat render into crackling over coals on a spit... :lol:

Need to post this in the thread about stupid comments too...!!
Seriously its a joke thread--& the funniest thing is that you dont see the irony of your comment in this thread... :lol:

:drinks:


Ahh stix is back from holidays, been missing you mate.

OB, i read the first word in his post and was laughing
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Re: Jokes

Post by cz515 » 01 Feb 2021, 3:05 pm

Heard the best saying today


You cannot fcuk sense into a table
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Re: Jokes

Post by Grandadbushy » 06 Feb 2021, 10:18 am

Here's one for the oldies like me to keep up your fitness, each morning stand on a step and put a 1kg of potatoes in each hand and lift up and down , when you are good with that put a 10kg potato bag in each hand , then a 20kg bag, then a 60kg bag until you get to 100kg bag ''which is where i am now '' and when comfortable doing that put a potato in each bag and repeat :thumbsup:
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