Jokes

General conversation and chit chat - The place for non-shooting specific topics. Introduce yourself here.

Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 09 Apr 2018, 8:06 am

A bloke walks into a bar and he's clearly in a filthy mood. He orders a beer and sits there drinking it with the anger wafting off him like stink waves.
The bartender wanders over and says: Mate, I don't mean to pry but you seem upset. Do you want to talk about it?
And the bloke says: Ah well, I was in Court today. The prosecutor had it in for me, my lawyer seemed uninterested, and then the judge threw the book at me. All lawyers are arseholes!
And this little bloke in a suit who's been sitting quietly at the end of the bar sipping his beer pipes up and says: Hey! I resent that remark!
And the bloke sneers at him and says: Why? I suppose you're a lawyer are you?
And the guys says" No, I'm an areshole.
Member-Deleted
 

Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 09 Apr 2018, 11:21 pm

A young bloke just out of high school starts his first ever job.
A job in the local general store.
The owner says to him, you watch me and how I deal with customers, and if you can follow along the same method, you'll make a good salesman.

The first customer comes in and asks for a packet of lawn seed.
Certainly said the shop keeper, that'll be $1.50, but would you like a hose and sprinkler as well ?

What ? said the customer.

Well if you plant the lawn seed, you'll need a hose and sprinkler to water it said the shop keeper.

Oh yeah,,, said the customer.

Well, you'll probly also need some fertilizer, and also a lawn mower said the keeper.

Yeah,,, no worries said the customer as he paid the total bill of what was now just on $500

After the customer left, the keeper said to the young fellah,,,,,,,, You see, I turned a $1.50 sale into a $500 sale.
You serve the next customer and see how good a salesman you can be.

A little later a woman walks in and asks for a packet of Tampons,,,,,,,,,

Certainly madam the young fella said,,,,, but would you like a lawn mower to go with the Tampons ?

Excuse me she said,,,,,,,,,,,,, what do you mean by that ???

Well said the young fellah,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, your weekend is f@cked,,,, you might as well make yourself useful and mow the lawns.
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
User avatar
Die Judicii
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3706
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by Tiger650 » 16 Apr 2018, 8:37 pm

Suicide talkdown / councelling.

Shiela is standing atop a cliff, clearly distraught and threating to jump.

A shriveled old flyblown dero slides up beside her and says:

"Since you are going to be dead in a few minutes it will not matter so how about a f$c# ?

She rounds on him and shrieks stuff about non-empathetic perverts and generally knocks him back.

He looks her and says "I'll just go and wait below then".

She did not jump.
Tiger650
Corporal
Corporal
 
Posts: 451
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 24 Apr 2018, 3:57 pm

A gorilla is taking a stroll through the jungle when he spies a lion crouching down to take a drink from the creek. And the gorilla is a bit of a practical joker so he thinks he'll have some fun with the "King of the Jungle". So he sneaks up behind the lion, grabs him by the haunches and simulates dry humping him. Well, the lion is not best pleased and is roaring and clawing trying to get the gorilla off him but the gorilla is too strong. Then it occurs to the gorilla that this may not end well since the lion is royally pissed off. So he uses all his strength and flings the lion into the bushes and legs it in the opposite direction. Well, the lion springs to his feet and roars "I'll kill ya, ya bastard" and he takes off after the gorilla. Now, the gorilla only has short little back legs and he can hear the lion crashing through the bushes catching up to him so he's really starting to panic. Just then, the gorilla bursts into a clearing in the forest and sees a safari camp all set up but the hunters are not there so he grabs a newspaper and a pith helmet and sits down in one of the camp chairs. Seconds later the lion springs into the clearing. Looking around he can't see the gorilla but he spots the figure seated in a camp chair reading a newspaper.
So the lion walks over and says "Hey, did you see a gorilla come running through here?"
And the gorilla, shaking behind the newspaper says "d-d-do you mean the gorilla that just nailed the King of the Jungle in the keester?"
And the lion says "Aw sh*t, it's in the papers already?"
Member-Deleted
 

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 06 Jun 2018, 8:09 pm

drill.jpeg
drill.jpeg (52.12 KiB) Viewed 7349 times
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 12 Jun 2018, 7:12 pm

A prominent left wing politician decided it would be a good idea to try and boost it's profile in the bush, so it donned an Akubra and headed west.

While talking to some bushies, this politician was constantly being pestered by flies, you know the one's, the little sticky ones, they are called horsetail flies, as they mainly are found around the back end of a horse.

Now far be it for me to suggest the politician was the back end of a horse, but at the end of the day, you can't fool those flies, they sure know their territory and can spot a horses arse a long way off.
Member-Deleted
 

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 12 Jun 2018, 7:19 pm

Member-Deleted wrote:A prominent left wing politician decided it would be a good idea to try and boost it's profile in the bush, so it donned an Akubra and headed west.

While talking to some bushies, this politician was constantly being pestered by flies, you know the one's, the little sticky ones, they are called horsetail flies, as they mainly are found around the back end of a horse.

Now far be it for me to suggest the politician was the back end of a horse, but at the end of the day, you can't fool those flies, they sure know their territory and can spot a horses arse a long way off.


Was that Barnaby? :lol:
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 12 Jun 2018, 7:31 pm

Oldbloke wrote:
Member-Deleted wrote:A prominent left wing politician decided it would be a good idea to try and boost it's profile in the bush, so it donned an Akubra and headed west.

While talking to some bushies, this politician was constantly being pestered by flies, you know the one's, the little sticky ones, they are called horsetail flies, as they mainly are found around the back end of a horse.

Now far be it for me to suggest the politician was the back end of a horse, but at the end of the day, you can't fool those flies, they sure know their territory and can spot a horses arse a long way off.


Was that Barnaby? :lol:


Left wing mate, left wing, take your pick, but a bloke with a big forehead or a woman with an unpronounceable name that likes shafting farmers come to mind. :D
Member-Deleted
 

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 16 Jun 2018, 5:54 pm

Mossie Killere 01.jpg
Mossie Killere 01.jpg (86.22 KiB) Viewed 7242 times
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 18 Jun 2018, 12:45 pm

Oldbloke wrote:
Mossie Killere 01.jpg


That's only a tad better than putting a leaf of lettuce in between two rocks and sprinkling pepper on it.
Then waiting for a rabbit to try eating the lettuce,,,,, sneezing,, and knocking itself unconscious on the rocks.
:thumbsdown:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
User avatar
Die Judicii
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3706
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 18 Jun 2018, 8:26 pm

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sure,"
and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 19 Jun 2018, 10:13 pm

I picked up a hitchhiker the other night and he asked me how did I know that he was not a serial killer.

I replied that the chances of two serial killers in the same car , were astronomical.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 20 Jun 2018, 6:32 pm

Oldbloke wrote:
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."


I thought that the response was gonna be something like,,,,,

I've been married for 35 years, and I don't get any sex anyway, so enjoy your 4 quarters of nothing. :D
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
User avatar
Die Judicii
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3706
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 20 Jun 2018, 6:44 pm

Die Judicii wrote:
Oldbloke wrote:
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."


I thought that the response was gonna be something like,,,,,

I've been married for 35 years, and I don't get any sex anyway, so enjoy your 4 quarters of nothing. :D


:lol: ...me too...!!

Good one Oldbloke... :lol:
The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
Stix
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3675
South Australia

Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 20 Jun 2018, 7:01 pm

Stix wrote:
Die Judicii wrote:
Oldbloke wrote:
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."


I thought that the response was gonna be something like,,,,,

I've been married for 35 years, and I don't get any sex anyway, so enjoy your 4 quarters of nothing. :D


:lol: ...me too...!!

Good one Oldbloke... :lol:


I mean,,,, lets face it, Priests don't exactly go without.
You only have to read the papers and listen to the news :shock:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
User avatar
Die Judicii
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3706
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 20 Jun 2018, 10:45 pm

Oldbloke wrote:I picked up a hitchhiker the other night and he asked me how did I know that he was not a serial killer.

I replied that the chances of two serial killers in the same car , were astronomical.


:lol: That's a ripper OB.. :thumbsup:

BTW... As a skilled serial killer I can tell you that I know that the first digit of your mobile phone number is a 0 :o

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
User avatar
darwindingo
Sergeant
Sergeant
 
Posts: 596
-

Re: Jokes

Post by Elliott » 03 Jul 2018, 10:14 pm

Did you hear about the baby magistrate? She was already forming sentences! (thunk of this one myself!)
Elliott
Recruit
Recruit
 
Posts: 3
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by JimTom » 04 Jul 2018, 5:38 am

I heard the bloke who invented fairy bread died the other day.
They reckon there is going to be hundreds and thousands at his funeral......!
User avatar
JimTom
Second Lieutenant
Second Lieutenant
 
Posts: 2130
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 04 Jul 2018, 3:49 pm

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "

"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush....."
The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
Stix
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3675
South Australia

Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 04 Jul 2018, 3:54 pm

If sex with three people is a threesome,

and

Sex with two people is a twosome,

I now understand why they call you handsome.
The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
Stix
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3675
South Australia

Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 06 Jul 2018, 10:07 am

Stix wrote:If sex with three people is a threesome,

and

Sex with two people is a twosome,

I now understand why they call you handsome.


Ahhhhhhhh Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

GOLD,,,,,,, :lol:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
User avatar
Die Judicii
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3706
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 15 Jul 2018, 9:22 pm

I had the most amazing night of luck last Friday.
I called a cab to take me out on the town, it was an old mate who was driving the cab that turned up and I got a free ride into the city.

I get to a bar and buy a raffle ticket and win a side of beef.

I get an entrance ticket to a dance club, and win free drinks all night with the lucky number draw.

In the club, I meet this gorgeous Indian girl and she comes home with me for an incredible night of Karma Sutra sex.

Next morning, I wake up next to her and notice the little red dot on her forehead, I scratch it off, and f* ck me dead, I win a brand new CAR!!!!!
fideles usque ad mortem
User avatar
Gaznazdiak
Warrant Officer C1
Warrant Officer C1
 
Posts: 1379
New South Wales

Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 28 Jul 2018, 5:44 pm

:mrgreen:
Attachments
!cid_9F875D290ACB4F68B0971EBC81E3EBF7@harry142211b11.jpg
!cid_9F875D290ACB4F68B0971EBC81E3EBF7@harry142211b11.jpg (63.47 KiB) Viewed 6989 times
fideles usque ad mortem
User avatar
Gaznazdiak
Warrant Officer C1
Warrant Officer C1
 
Posts: 1379
New South Wales

Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 04 Aug 2018, 5:26 pm

A bloke is in bed with his missus one night and rolled over and tapped her on the shoulder,,,,,
He says, "Hey gorgeous I'm feeling a bit horny,,,, how about a bit ?"

The missus doesn't move, but says "George, that is not a very romantic way of asking,,,,,,
If you want to have a chance of getting laid you should say something cute like,,,,, Darling can I use the washing machine please ?"

The bloke thought about this, and then after a while drifted off to sleep.

Just before dawn he was awoken by the missus, and she says "The washing machine is ready dear."



George replied,,,,,, "Oh it's alright dear,,,,,,,, I only had a little bit to do,,,, so I did it by hand."
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
User avatar
Die Judicii
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3706
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 04 Aug 2018, 6:23 pm

What do you call a horny Eskimo?

A frigid midget with a rigid digit.
fideles usque ad mortem
User avatar
Gaznazdiak
Warrant Officer C1
Warrant Officer C1
 
Posts: 1379
New South Wales

Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 04 Aug 2018, 6:52 pm

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

You can keep the tip.
fideles usque ad mortem
User avatar
Gaznazdiak
Warrant Officer C1
Warrant Officer C1
 
Posts: 1379
New South Wales

Re: Jokes

Post by tom604 » 04 Aug 2018, 9:38 pm

why did the leper leave the party?

people were using his back as a dip

sorry :lol: :lol:
User avatar
tom604
Warrant Officer C2
Warrant Officer C2
 
Posts: 1053
South Australia

Re: Jokes

Post by tom604 » 04 Aug 2018, 9:40 pm

why did the leper fail his driving test?

he left his foot on the clutch boom tish :lol:
User avatar
tom604
Warrant Officer C2
Warrant Officer C2
 
Posts: 1053
South Australia

Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 04 Aug 2018, 10:29 pm

What do you call a leper in a hot tub?

Broth.
fideles usque ad mortem
User avatar
Gaznazdiak
Warrant Officer C1
Warrant Officer C1
 
Posts: 1379
New South Wales

Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 04 Aug 2018, 10:31 pm

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Ilene
fideles usque ad mortem
User avatar
Gaznazdiak
Warrant Officer C1
Warrant Officer C1
 
Posts: 1379
New South Wales

PreviousNext

Back to top
 
Return to Off topic - General conversation