Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 04 Jul 2018, 3:49 pm

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "

"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush....."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 04 Jul 2018, 3:54 pm

If sex with three people is a threesome,

and

Sex with two people is a twosome,

I now understand why they call you handsome.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 06 Jul 2018, 10:07 am

Stix wrote:If sex with three people is a threesome,

and

Sex with two people is a twosome,

I now understand why they call you handsome.


Ahhhhhhhh Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

GOLD,,,,,,, :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 15 Jul 2018, 9:22 pm

I had the most amazing night of luck last Friday.
I called a cab to take me out on the town, it was an old mate who was driving the cab that turned up and I got a free ride into the city.

I get to a bar and buy a raffle ticket and win a side of beef.

I get an entrance ticket to a dance club, and win free drinks all night with the lucky number draw.

In the club, I meet this gorgeous Indian girl and she comes home with me for an incredible night of Karma Sutra sex.

Next morning, I wake up next to her and notice the little red dot on her forehead, I scratch it off, and f* ck me dead, I win a brand new CAR!!!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 28 Jul 2018, 5:44 pm

:mrgreen:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 04 Aug 2018, 5:26 pm

A bloke is in bed with his missus one night and rolled over and tapped her on the shoulder,,,,,
He says, "Hey gorgeous I'm feeling a bit horny,,,, how about a bit ?"

The missus doesn't move, but says "George, that is not a very romantic way of asking,,,,,,
If you want to have a chance of getting laid you should say something cute like,,,,, Darling can I use the washing machine please ?"

The bloke thought about this, and then after a while drifted off to sleep.

Just before dawn he was awoken by the missus, and she says "The washing machine is ready dear."



George replied,,,,,, "Oh it's alright dear,,,,,,,, I only had a little bit to do,,,, so I did it by hand."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 04 Aug 2018, 6:23 pm

What do you call a horny Eskimo?

A frigid midget with a rigid digit.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 04 Aug 2018, 6:52 pm

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

You can keep the tip.
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Re: Jokes

Post by tom604 » 04 Aug 2018, 9:38 pm

why did the leper leave the party?

people were using his back as a dip

sorry :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by tom604 » 04 Aug 2018, 9:40 pm

why did the leper fail his driving test?

he left his foot on the clutch boom tish :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 04 Aug 2018, 10:29 pm

What do you call a leper in a hot tub?

Broth.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 04 Aug 2018, 10:31 pm

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Ilene
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Re: Jokes

Post by tom604 » 05 Aug 2018, 8:19 am

a horse, a bee and an old bloke were talking about what they do

the horse say's, i plow fields so they can plant crops and feed people

the bee say's, i pollinate plants and make honey as well

the old bloke say's
-
-
-
come on,, we're waiting :problem:
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Re: Jokes

Post by 1Fatman » 05 Aug 2018, 10:13 am

Two aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a gas station.
So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and look around.
The first thing they see that resembles a human being is the gas pump.
The two aliens approach and the first one says,
"Earthling: take me to your leader!"
Of course, he gets no response...
The first alien at his buddy then addresses the pump again.
"Earthling, I said take me to your leader!"
Of course, still no response...
The alien then turns to his buddy and says
"If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him!"
At that the second alien replies,
"OK. I'm just going to stand down on the next block."
The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle the next block.
He then addresses the pump a third time.
"Earthling take me to your leader!"
Still nothing. So, the alien then pulls out his ray gun and vaporises the pump...
The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way down the block to his buddy.
He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the second Alien.
"If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me!?"
The second replies,

"Well, I didn't know exactly what was going to happen.
But there's no way I'm gonna' mess with a guy whose dick hangs to the ground,
wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough to stick in his left ear.
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Re: Jokes

Post by 1Fatman » 05 Aug 2018, 10:15 am

79-year-old man is having a drink in Harpoon Harry’s.
Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away.
The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.
After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone:
"I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams,
it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game.
I want $100, and there's another condition".

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.
He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand ---
He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly:
"Paint my house."
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Re: Jokes

Post by 1Fatman » 05 Aug 2018, 10:17 am

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old cockie said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of half-wit put him up there to begin with."

Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 05 Aug 2018, 3:38 pm

1Fatman wrote:Two aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a gas station.
So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and look around.
The first thing they see that resembles a human being is the gas pump.
The two aliens approach and the first one says,
"Earthling: take me to your leader


In the old original version,,,,, The alien says to the gas pump,,,,,,,,,,,,

For Gods sake take your finger out of your ear, and listen to me.
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 05 Aug 2018, 3:40 pm

Why wasn't the leper invited to come back for another game of poker ?

Because he kept throwing his hand in.
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 05 Aug 2018, 5:50 pm

Then of course there was the famous Russian leper:
Andropov
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Re: Jokes

Post by 1Fatman » 06 Aug 2018, 12:47 pm

“Mayday, Mayday!”
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.
A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone.
He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack.
I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory.
I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!"
The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions.
The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!"
He began his series of questions:
Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast. So how do you know you're flying upside down?"

Aircraft: “The s**t in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."
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Re: Jokes

Post by 1Fatman » 06 Aug 2018, 12:50 pm

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards she did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, ‘Bruce. 'Bruce, Bruce'.

Bruce came running.

‘Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor'.

'Strewth', Bruce said and tried to pull her up.

'You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank.’

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.', Frank said.

'Plan B?', exclaimed Bruce. 'What's that'?

'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.', replied Frank.

'Spot on', Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.'

'Play with her tits?', Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?'

'No', Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive'
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 06 Aug 2018, 12:53 pm

1Fatman wrote:Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards she did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, ‘Bruce. 'Bruce, Bruce'.

Bruce came running.

‘Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor'.

'Strewth', Bruce said and tried to pull her up.

'You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank.’

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.', Frank said.

'Plan B?', exclaimed Bruce. 'What's that'?

'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.', replied Frank.

'Spot on', Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.'

'Play with her tits?', Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?'

'No', Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive'


Good onya.
Now I'm going to have to poke my mind's eye out.
:D
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 11 Aug 2018, 7:14 pm

A commercial airline pilot was getting ready to land in Berlin with a full quota of passengers on board.
Suddenly the air control tower person starts abusing him in a thick gutteral german accent.
He calls the pilot an idiot among other choice insults,,, because the pilot had misunderstood the instructions on which runway to land on.

The pilot apologizes, but was yet again copping abuse from the control tower.

"You useless dolt,,,, have you never flown into Berlin before ?????"

To which the pilot casually replied,, "Oh yes my good man I have indeed,,,,, although it was back in 1944,,,, and I didn't bother to land."
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 12 Aug 2018, 8:34 pm

Hey there 1Fatman,,

Loved the bathroom tiles joke,,,, GOLD

My partner said it was "filthy and funny" cos she got a mental picture when I read it to her. :lol: :lol: :lol:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 13 Aug 2018, 5:46 am

Die Judicii wrote:Hey there 1Fatman,,

Loved the bathroom tiles joke,,,, GOLD

My partner said it was "filthy and funny" cos she got a mental picture when I read it to her. :lol: :lol: :lol:


Yeah. Funniest joke I’ve ever heard
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Re: Jokes

Post by 1Fatman » 13 Aug 2018, 12:56 pm

Oldbloke wrote:
Die Judicii wrote:Hey there 1Fatman,,

Loved the bathroom tiles joke,,,, GOLD

My partner said it was "filthy and funny" cos she got a mental picture when I read it to her. :lol: :lol: :lol:


Yeah. Funniest joke I’ve ever heard

Thanks Gents. :drinks: :clap:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 13 Aug 2018, 1:15 pm

1Fatman wrote:Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards she did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, ‘Bruce. 'Bruce, Bruce'.

Bruce came running.

‘Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor'.

'Strewth', Bruce said and tried to pull her up.

'You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank.’

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.', Frank said.

'Plan B?', exclaimed Bruce. 'What's that'?

'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.', replied Frank.

'Spot on', Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.'

'Play with her tits?', Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?'

'No', Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive'



I'm sitting in a hospital at the moment and needed a good laugh. Thanks fatman :thumbsup: :drinks:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 13 Aug 2018, 1:18 pm

There were two old nuns sitting in the park one day enjoying the sunshine when a member of the raincoat brigade walked up and flashed his pecker at them.

One nun ran away and the other one had a stroke.




Then she giggled and ran away too.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 17 Aug 2018, 10:04 am

What's the difference between light and hard?



You can go to sleep with a light on.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 17 Aug 2018, 10:11 am

Donald Trump, an old monk and a boy scout are passengers in a small plane when the pilot comes into the passenger cabin and tells them that the plane has a fuel leak and will crash in a few minutes.
He also tells them they are one parachute short, straps his chute on and jumps out.

Trump jumps up, pushes the other 2 out of the way and says "I'm the smartest guy in the world so I have to survive", straps up and jumps out.
The old monk says to the little boy "You take the last one son, I've had a long life and your's is still ahead of you".
To which the child replies "That's OK, the smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack."
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