Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post by Bigjobss » 19 Jul 2017, 9:31 pm

A rabbit walks into a pub and takes a seat at the bar, nods his head at the publican and has a look up at the specials board.
"G'day mate what can I do for ya" says the bloke behind the bar.
"Hows about a beer and one of them ham and cheese toasties?" Replies the rabbit
"Sure thing boss, coming right up"

Soon after the rabbit gets his toastie, smashes it down hungrily, not a crumb to spare
"Geez that was quick, enjoy it did ya?" Says the publican
"Yeh mate it was a ripper, Il definitely be back tomorrow"
Soon after the rabbit pays, says thank you to the publican and leaves.

Next day and the rabbit is back sitting at the bar.
"Good to see ya again fella, beer and ham and cheese toastie?" says the publican
"Sure why not!" Says the bunny eagerly
Same as the day before the cotton-tail inhales the toastie, pays up quickly and promises to come back tomorrow.

Every day for the rest of the week the rabbit returns, sits at the bar, orders a beer and a ham and cheese toastie, eats it up, pays and leaves, regular as clockwork.

On the eighth day the bunny takes a seat just as usual.
"Hey there cobb, beer and a ham and cheese toastie?"
"Nah mate lets mix it up, make it ham, cheese and tomato" says the rabbit
The publican looks a bit suprised but replies happily "sure thing boss, why not?"
Soon after the bunny gets his order, just as usual he devours it in moments, pays and leaves.

Over the next few days the rabbit doesn't show up at the pub, no beer, no toasties, the publican notices the absence initially but soon enough it is business as usual.

A week passes and would you believe it the rabbit returns, in he hops, a little slower than lower than normal, but there he is, he props himself up on the lowest stool up at the bar, fur a little ragged, eyes bloodshot.

"Well hello there little fella, where here have you been lately? Oh geez you aint looking real crash hot"
The rabbit looks up slowly, obviously in discomfort, "Oh geeeez mate" he says "You wouldnt believe it" he gasps" "I have been a bit crook, I Mixa-metoasties"
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 20 Jul 2017, 2:52 am

"I Mixa-metoasties" :lol: :lol: :lol:

That's a beauty :thumbsup: :clap:

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Re: Jokes

Post by Bills Shed » 20 Jul 2017, 7:14 am

Didn't see that coming until the end. Nice
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Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 21 Jul 2017, 10:59 pm

Quiet a few years ago i worked with a bloke called Bob
who couldn't get on with the boss engineer who's son had just
graduated from uni with a degree in engineering
And was now going to be our boss,so old mate thought he would lay a bit of ground work on trying to make out engineers were illiterate
so he snuck into the bosses toilets and wrote on a door and this is how it read
Six mumphs ego i conit evin spel engenear now i are won
After doing this he ran back and told everybody in the lunch room

It only took 1 hour to get back to the boss and everyone was waiting for the back lash but to the bosses defence he was a good bloke and there was none
But he unscrewed the door took it out to the front gate and screwed it where everyone could read it and signed Bobs name on it

Bob was very quiet after that ( wonder why )

cheers
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 23 Jul 2017, 4:05 am

The missus told me that she had been talking to her meteorologist friend and was warned that she should expect a couple of inches over the next few days....

I said "I don't know jack $hit about meteorology, but you can expect 8 Inches tonight !!!" ....... :D

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 23 Jul 2017, 9:13 pm

8 inches. Is that all.

:thumbsup:
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 23 Jul 2017, 10:50 pm

Hey, It was a cold night... :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 24 Jul 2017, 6:55 am

So you mean 8 x 1 inch strokes. :violin:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 24 Jul 2017, 7:48 am

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it t...o turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the kerb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 24 Jul 2017, 7:52 am

The destroyer Captain gets on the loud-speaker and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Muslims puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading Britain".

The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter.
When the Captain finally catches his breath, he gets back on the loud-speaker and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Muslim stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The other three million are already there!"

Nobody on the destroyer laughed.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 24 Jul 2017, 5:27 pm

A fella had tried everything to catch his wife playing up with the milkman so he decided to buy a talking parrot
Which he does now this bird was supposed to relay back what he had seen during the day
The first day fella asks bird ''What did you see today''?
Bird: well the man from nextdoor came in
Fella: well what happened ?
Bird: nothing he only wanted a cup of sugar
Fella: ok what then?
Bird: well , then the mailman came
Fella: well what happened then ?
Bird: i'm not sure they went into the bed room and i couldn't see
So fella put bird in the bedroom to see what goes on in the bedroom with the mailman
Fella comes home from work ok bird what happened today ?
Bird: well the milkman came today your wife and him came into the bedroom
Fella; so what next ?
Bird: well they rolled on the bed then he took her clothes off and rubbed her all over
Fella: well come on what happened next ?
Bird: dunno got a boner and fell off the perch

Cheers
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Re: Jokes

Post by Supaduke » 03 Aug 2017, 8:34 am

IMG_0805.JPG
The Far Side
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 03 Aug 2017, 12:43 pm

If someone texts me a link, and I click on it and get a virus,
does that mean I have a textually transmitted disease?
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 03 Aug 2017, 11:09 pm

I'm afraid so !....... You should probably get yourself checked out :lol: :lol: :lol: :problem: :lol: :lol:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 03 Aug 2017, 11:48 pm

Dave and Mabel have finally tied the knot.
After the reception in the shearing shed, they retire to the Rudd homestead to spend their wedding night in Dave's room.
They get undressed and are about to get into bed when Dave decides to get a few last minute pointers from Dad.
As soon as he leaves the room, Mabel feels a sudden need to go to the toilet.
It's pouring rain and a fair hike to the outside dunny so she looks under the bed hoping to find a chamber pot, but alas there is nothing but an old shoe box. Things are by now urgent, so she pulls out the box and has just dropped one when Dave comes back in. Mabel jumps into bed and blows out the lamp as Dave walks around to get into bed.
As luck would have it he steps his bare foot squarly in Mabel's little emergency.
"Jesus Christ" yells Dave in disgust, "there's s**t in this box"
Whereupon Dad yells out from the room next door, "Turn her over Dave."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 04 Aug 2017, 9:56 pm

Just installed new Strobe Lights in the bedroom......

Now it looks like the wife is actually moving when we have sex. :thumbsup:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 04 Aug 2017, 11:59 pm

Tony Abbott walks into a pub with a big cane toad on his head and the barman looks up and says "Christ Allmighty, what are you doing with that slimy thing?"
The cane toad shrugs and says " Beats me mate, it started off as a wart on me arse. A shooner of new and a packet of twistys please."
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 05 Aug 2017, 12:35 am

Oldbloke wrote:Just installed new Strobe Lights in the bedroom......

Now it looks like the wife is actually moving when we have sex. :thumbsup:


Hey OB...

Would you consider swapping, to spice things up.....????????






























Information that is. ;) ......... So what strobe flash speed are you using ?

I'm using 1 flash every 2 seconds, apparently it can trigger epileptic fits... :lol:

:drinks:

Jeff
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 05 Aug 2017, 10:42 pm

A young fellow is doing a study on fruit trees as part of his uni course.
During a field trip to an orchard that specialized in grafted trees and the resultant fruits, the owner of the orchard said to the young fella,,,,,
"I reckon I've got one tree in particular that you would love,, come over here and check it out. It's called The eighteen year old Virgin tree."

He plucks off a beautiful looking ripe fruit and passes it to the young fella to taste.

The young fella takes a big bite,,,, then screws up his face in disgust and spits it out.
Yuk he said,,, that tastes like sh!t.

The orchard owner just chuckled and said,,,,, Turn it over young fella.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 06 Aug 2017, 12:59 pm

A bloke wakes up one morning to find a small lump in between his eyebrows. Disturbed by this he goes to see his GP.
After some tests the doc calls him back to the surgery for the results.
"Well this is a quite rare condition" the doctor said, "you seem to have a penis starting to grow from your forehead, it should be full grown in about 6 months."
"What," exclaimed the horrified man, "you mean in 6 months I'll look in the mirror and see a full sized penis sticking out of my forehead?"
"Of course not" replied the doctor, "the balls will hang over your eyes."
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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 06 Aug 2017, 10:47 pm

Supaduke wrote:
IMG_0805.JPG


Ah, The Far Side - brilliant. Interesting that the artist "quit while he was ahead" instead of allowing himself to burn out like the Dilbert guy, who isn't that funny anymore.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 07 Aug 2017, 12:09 pm

Paddy Murphy suspects that Mrs Murphy is doing the jiggerypokery with Declan O'Toole from next door.
Deciding to catch her at it, Paddy tells her he's working late when he leaves in the morning.
That evening Paddy was hiding in the bushes over the road from his house, and sure enough, shortly after dark young Declan hopped over the fence and disappeared into Paddy's house.
Poor old Paddy paced up and down, muttering darkly to himself, for a few minutes to give the treacherous pair time to get busy. Finally, unable to stand it any longer, he stomped across the road to the house and on into the bedroom. Sure enough, there they were, in flagrante delecto!
"You cheatin' feckin' trollop" shouted the outraged Paddy. Dashing to the wardrobe, Paddy pulls out his old double barrelled shotgun, cocks the hammers and puts the muzzle under his chin.
At this development, Mrs Murphy starts laughing uproariously.
"Go on, laugh it up" yelled Paddy, your bloody next ya cow."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 08 Aug 2017, 11:11 am

After an initial rush of excitement in Ireland at the introduction of a new form of gambling, the game of Russian Roulette failed to maintain popularity after the first 6mths.
No one had bothered to explain to them that the pistol had to be a revolver.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 09 Aug 2017, 10:59 am

Shamus, Patrick and Michael always headed straight for the village pub after work, but today Shamus tells the boys he won't be joining them because his dog has died and he has to bury him.
After offering their condolences the other two head for the pub.
When two hours had gone past without a sign of Shamus, his mates decide he must be too depressed and that they had better go and fetch him back to the pub to cheer him up.
Getting to Shamus's house, they walk round to the back yard where they find a small hole, a slightly bigger hole, the dead collie in a big hessian bag and Shamus sweating away with a mattock at a third hole.
"Shamus lad, what are ye doing?" asked Michael.
"I'm doing what I said I'd be doing, I'm burying me bloody dog" said Shamus.
"But why are ye digging three holes, though?' asked Patrick
"Are those eyes of yours painted on, Patrick Doyle, ye great eejit? The first two weren't fecking big enough."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 09 Aug 2017, 11:24 am

Good one :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 09 Aug 2017, 11:25 am

Something I've always wondered about:
If 6 people arguing a point is called a debate, does that mean that 60 politicians arguing a point is a mass debate?
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 09 Aug 2017, 12:03 pm

:mrgreen:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 09 Aug 2017, 12:05 pm

:mrgreen:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 09 Aug 2017, 1:12 pm

:mrgreen:
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Re: Jokes

Post by duncan61 » 09 Aug 2017, 6:47 pm

They must be eastern greys cos west aussie roos dont do that
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