Jokes

General conversation and chit chat - The place for non-shooting specific topics. Introduce yourself here.

Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 31 Aug 2017, 12:33 pm

:mrgreen:
Attachments
PEW-PEW_Imagem.jpg
PEW-PEW_Imagem.jpg (154.04 KiB) Viewed 6143 times
fideles usque ad mortem
User avatar
Gaznazdiak
Warrant Officer C1
Warrant Officer C1
 
Posts: 1379
New South Wales

Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 01 Sep 2017, 11:38 am

We really should resist the silly urge to anthropamorphise our machines.



They hate it when we do that.
fideles usque ad mortem
User avatar
Gaznazdiak
Warrant Officer C1
Warrant Officer C1
 
Posts: 1379
New South Wales

Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 01 Sep 2017, 11:45 am

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”

But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
fideles usque ad mortem
User avatar
Gaznazdiak
Warrant Officer C1
Warrant Officer C1
 
Posts: 1379
New South Wales

Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 05 Sep 2017, 10:18 am

:mrgreen:
Attachments
the-all-purpose-hunting-rifle-hunting-shooting-rifle-gun-demotivational-poster-1266273818.jpg
the-all-purpose-hunting-rifle-hunting-shooting-rifle-gun-demotivational-poster-1266273818.jpg (27.79 KiB) Viewed 6083 times
fideles usque ad mortem
User avatar
Gaznazdiak
Warrant Officer C1
Warrant Officer C1
 
Posts: 1379
New South Wales

Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 05 Sep 2017, 10:19 am

:clap:
Attachments
fb8df3d22b036d993da57c2702007945--canada-eh-canada-jokes.jpg
fb8df3d22b036d993da57c2702007945--canada-eh-canada-jokes.jpg (52.48 KiB) Viewed 6083 times
fideles usque ad mortem
User avatar
Gaznazdiak
Warrant Officer C1
Warrant Officer C1
 
Posts: 1379
New South Wales

Re: Jokes

Post by monbeg » 05 Sep 2017, 2:31 pm

and then :)
Attachments
NEGURF.jpg
NEGURF.jpg (75.28 KiB) Viewed 6071 times
monbeg
Recruit
Recruit
 
Posts: 30
South Australia

Re: Jokes

Post by bladeracer » 08 Sep 2017, 1:52 pm

Big Bore Bulge!

Came up on my FB feed :-)
Attachments
Big Bore Bulge.JPG
Big Bore Bulge.JPG (77.37 KiB) Viewed 6006 times
Practice Strict Gun Control - Precision Counts!
User avatar
bladeracer
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 12655
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 08 Sep 2017, 7:49 pm

Not as Dim as I Sim....png
Not as Dim as I Sim....png (637.6 KiB) Viewed 5997 times
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 08 Sep 2017, 10:25 pm

It pays to always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

One couple drove their car to the shopping mall, only to have it break down in the car park.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed it.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people surrounding the car, watching. She looked closer and saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.

Unfortunately, although the man was wearing shorts, hed forgotten his undies, and some of his, ahem, private bits were on show.



Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand inside his shorts, and tucked everything away out of sight.

When she got back up she looked straight into the eyes of her husband, who was standing in the crowd watching.

While the car was soon on the road the roadside mechanic ended up in the emergency ward, getting stitches in his forehead.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 09 Sep 2017, 10:11 am

A bloke went to work with black eyes and one of the workmates asked ( How did ya get the black eye ? )
Oldmate said ,I was at church and a big lady in front of me had her dress caught in her bum crack when she stood up so I reached over and pulled it out
and she punched me
Workmate , Actually you have 2 black eyes
Oldmate ,Yeah I know I didn't think she liked me pulling it out so I reached over and poked it back
Member-Deleted
 

Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 09 Sep 2017, 8:46 pm

grandadbushy wrote:A bloke went to work with black eyes and one of the workmates asked ( How did ya get the black eye ? )
Oldmate said ,I was at church and a big lady in front of me had her dress caught in her bum crack when she stood up so I reached over and pulled it out
and she punched me
Workmate , Actually you have 2 black eyes
Oldmate ,Yeah I know I didn't think she liked me pulling it out so I reached over and poked it back


:lol: :lol: :lol:
Better than gold,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Diamonds ?
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
User avatar
Die Judicii
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3706
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 09 Sep 2017, 9:17 pm

Three Black Men

At the National Art Gallery in Scotland, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, a Scotsman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy, who painted it,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Scottish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 09 Sep 2017, 10:25 pm

Good one oldbloke haven't laughed so much since grandma got her tit caught in the ringers
Member-Deleted
 

Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 10 Sep 2017, 12:48 am

:mrgreen:
Attachments
8a582fae9dadeb8d0146ecb9d1d69238.jpg
8a582fae9dadeb8d0146ecb9d1d69238.jpg (215.58 KiB) Viewed 5836 times
fideles usque ad mortem
User avatar
Gaznazdiak
Warrant Officer C1
Warrant Officer C1
 
Posts: 1379
New South Wales

Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 10 Sep 2017, 12:49 am

:mrgreen: 0
Attachments
58e0e0b39f3ee003433b3c5741d619d5--timing-is-everything-red-army.jpg
58e0e0b39f3ee003433b3c5741d619d5--timing-is-everything-red-army.jpg (38.33 KiB) Viewed 5836 times
fideles usque ad mortem
User avatar
Gaznazdiak
Warrant Officer C1
Warrant Officer C1
 
Posts: 1379
New South Wales

Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 10 Sep 2017, 11:09 am

From the Kim family album: young Jong-un as a toddler.
Attachments
ndn39u.jpg
ndn39u.jpg (45.59 KiB) Viewed 5822 times
fideles usque ad mortem
User avatar
Gaznazdiak
Warrant Officer C1
Warrant Officer C1
 
Posts: 1379
New South Wales

Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 11 Sep 2017, 11:04 am

Looking for a change, Paddy moves to Tasmania to work in the timber industry as a feller.
On the first morning his foreman takes him out and shows him how some trees are marked to be cut and others to be left.
Having done this the foreman explained the quota system. "Now Paddy, you're only new so I'll let you slide a bit, but you have to get your quota of 20 trees every day, OK?"
"Sure, no problems" said Paddy
The boss gave him his saw and said, "You have used a saw before, right?"
"Of course I have" said an indignant Paddy, I grew up on a bloody farm."
"Right then" said the boss, "see you at knock off time" and drove off.
That evening the boss asked Paddy how he went.
With an embarrassed look Paddy admits he only felled 2 trees.
"Christ, that's no bloody good, you need 20" said the boss. "Look, I'll give you another chance tomorrow but you have to lift your game".
Next day Paddy is out from dawn till dark, works like a crazy man all day and drags himself back to camp barely able to walk.
"Well" asked the boss, "did you get your quota today?"
"I don't think this is the job for me" admitted Paddy, "I busted my balls today and I could only get 5 trees down. Youse blokes must be demons on that bloody saw."
Feeling sorry for Paddy, the foreman decides to give him a last chance.
"Look Paddy, I'll take you out and cut the first one myself then watch you have a go and we'll see where you're going wrong, OK?"
"You're a champion, right enough, you are. I'll see you at daybreak" replied a relieved Paddy.
Next day they're out early, the foreman picked up Paddy's saw and said, "Right Paddy, now watch how I do it".
With this he gave the starter a pull and the big saw roared to life.
Paddy stumbled backwards and fell on his bum, "Jaysus Chroist" yelled a terrified Paddy, whats that aweful fecking NOISE?"
fideles usque ad mortem
User avatar
Gaznazdiak
Warrant Officer C1
Warrant Officer C1
 
Posts: 1379
New South Wales

Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 11 Sep 2017, 11:14 am

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
"You mean a martini?" the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"
fideles usque ad mortem
User avatar
Gaznazdiak
Warrant Officer C1
Warrant Officer C1
 
Posts: 1379
New South Wales

Re: Jokes

Post by bladeracer » 11 Sep 2017, 6:14 pm

From FB - for real or somebody having a joke?
Attachments
21616170_10212658346646443_3782003419154716531_n (1).jpg
21616170_10212658346646443_3782003419154716531_n (1).jpg (43.48 KiB) Viewed 5752 times
Practice Strict Gun Control - Precision Counts!
User avatar
bladeracer
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 12655
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Supaduke » 11 Sep 2017, 6:32 pm

bladeracer wrote:From FB - for real or somebody having a joke?


Sadly it's hard to tell sometimes these days. The depth of human stupidity knows no bounds....
Supaduke
Warrant Officer C2
Warrant Officer C2
 
Posts: 1230
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by scoobs » 12 Sep 2017, 11:01 am

Image
Tikka t3x super lite stainless .308/Nikon M-308 4-16x42 BDC-800.
Tikka T3X varmint stainless 22-250/Bushnell Trophy Extreme 6-24x50.
Lithgow LA101 22LR/bushnell rimfire 3-12x40
Adler a110 12Ga 20" tactical.
User avatar
scoobs
Lance Corporal
Lance Corporal
 
Posts: 173
New South Wales

Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 12 Sep 2017, 11:43 pm

Well i'm not sure i'll get this one through but i''ll give it a go

Two gay blokes were going to play mums and dads one was 6ft5in and the other was 4ft3in
The little fellow says I want to be mummy tonight and the big fellow says don't be silly you might get hurt but the little fellow insisted so they went ahead
The next minute the little fellow let out a bellow the big fellow said very sternly I told you so and the little fellow fired back and said at least you
could have rolled my singlet up
Member-Deleted
 

Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 12 Sep 2017, 11:48 pm

Supaduke wrote:
bladeracer wrote:From FB - for real or somebody having a joke?


Sadly it's hard to tell sometimes these days. The depth of human stupidity knows no bounds....


...and the sad truth of this made me laugh...
The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
Stix
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3675
South Australia

Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 13 Sep 2017, 12:41 am

Bill & Mary, an unhappily married couple together for 37 years are driving through the tight windy roads of a the hills on a terribly stormy night...
A huge tree with rain sodden roots gives way to a strong gust of wind falling right in front of the moving car, causing Bill (driving) to swerve, loose control & topple off the road down a steep 100ft drop to smash roof first into another tree, killing Bill instantly, & leaving Mary unconcious with severe internal injuries.

Bill arrives at the gates of St. Peter, & confused he asks where he is...
St. Peter explains he is at heavans gate & must pass a spelling test to enter...

Bill explains to St. Peter that he was a school dropout at the age of 14, has no education & knows of nothing other than how to weld.

St. Peter assures him the spelling test for him will be easy & asks him to spell the word 'love', which Bill does successfully, & enters heaven with a huge sigh of relief..!

Suddenly alarms begin to sound, sirens wale & red lights flash intensly...St. Peter says its Gods alarm, he is needed urgently & must depart to God immediately.
St. Peter cannot leave the gates un-manned & insists Bill take the throne till such time as he returns...
Bill..."what if some comes, what do i do...?
St. Peter..."just ask them to spell any word you choose as long as you can pronounce it correctly, if they are correct the gates will open automatically & in they walk, if they are wrong a trap door opens wherever they are standing & they disappear to hell for eternity.

10 mins later, just as all Bills worries appeared over for ever, his nagging wife appears outside the gate...
Bill..."what are you doing here" he asks Mary...
Mary..."well thanks to your uselessness & inability to even steer a car, i got slammed into a tree, knocked unconcious & suffered internal hemorrhaging, cardiac arrest & i died".
Shaking the gates vigorously, Mary goes on to say "this is obviously heaven, so let me in...now Bill...!!!!"
Bill..."you have to pass a spelling test to get in to heaven today"...
Mary..."well it cant be that hard a test if you got in...so what do i have to spell"...
Bill, with a vindicated relief in his voice says..."Czechoslovakia"
The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
Stix
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3675
South Australia

Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 13 Sep 2017, 1:42 am

A nurse is doing the medicine rounds in a dementia ward.
Coming to old Bills's door she hears a voice from within the room making car engine noises,...
Entering the room she sees Bill sitting up in bed pretending to drive a car & asks "what are you doing Bill...?"
Bill replies..."im off on a an interstate sales trip, i need to increase sales over the border so ill be gone a few days"...

Nurse gives him his tablets & moves on to the next room, where from outside the room she can hear a strange kind of wet slapping/squelching noise along with a voice muttering the occasional "yeah--yeah".

She enters the room & to her great shock she sees Doug sitting up in his bed vigorously masturbating...
She asks sternly.."oh my god Doug what on earth are you doing...?!!!

Doug replies..."im f*#×ing Bills wife while he's away...!
The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
Stix
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3675
South Australia

Re: Jokes

Post by Lifesaride » 13 Sep 2017, 6:50 am

Two Irish builders (Paddy and Séamus) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub in Dublin when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Paddy: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Séamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker..
Paddy: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Pat and he makes for
the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at
the urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better
of the builder.
Paddy: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering
what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Paddy: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at
home?
Paddy: - Err... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in
a pond. Which is it?
Paddy: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have
a large garden.
Paddy - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have
a large garden then you have a large house?
Paddy: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is
logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that
you are quite probably married?
Paddy: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?
Paddy:- Yep! Five or six nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
very often?
Paddy: - Me? Never.
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Paddy: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!
Paddy: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.
Séamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Paddy - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Séamus: - What's that then?
Paddy: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Séamus: - Nope.
Paddy: - Well then, you're a wanker..
Lifesaride
Recruit
Recruit
 
Posts: 44
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 13 Sep 2017, 9:27 am

A priest is visiting homeless men when he sees an old drunk perusing a porno mag.
"You shouldn't be wasting your time looking at that nonsense" said the priest, you would be better reading the bible."
"Why on earth would I read that?" asked the drunk.
"Well" said the priest, "it's full of geat inspirational stories."
"What bloody stories?"
Excited to get some interest the priest replies"One of my favorites is the story of Samson and Delilah. They were down by the river one day, grinding corn, when they were set upon by 10,000 Philistines. Samson, who was unarmed, picked up the jaw bone of an ass and slew 1,000 of them and put the rest to rout."
Impressed despite himself the drunk admits that was a good tale so the priest gives him his pocket bible.
Later that day the drunk is set up under a bridge with his metho and orange juice and is looking through the bible when he's joined by a mate. The mate sees the bible and wants to know what he's doing with it.
The new book owner, with 1/2 a bottle of metho on board, is glad to tell him of his discovery.
"Oh maaaate, there's some good yarns in here" he slurs, holding up his new book.
After another hit on the bottle he continues, "Like the one about Simpson and his delightful, they was down by the river one day, having a grind in the corn, when all these Phillipino bastards lob in and attack them. So Simpson grabbed the arse bone of a mule and killed 10,000 of them and rooted the rest!"
Last edited by Gaznazdiak on 13 Sep 2017, 9:52 am, edited 1 time in total.
fideles usque ad mortem
User avatar
Gaznazdiak
Warrant Officer C1
Warrant Officer C1
 
Posts: 1379
New South Wales

Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 13 Sep 2017, 9:32 am

:mrgreen:
Attachments
93033e54b2b3c0787d705c8afca4d179--guilty-dog-funny-dogs.jpg
93033e54b2b3c0787d705c8afca4d179--guilty-dog-funny-dogs.jpg (97.25 KiB) Viewed 5685 times
fideles usque ad mortem
User avatar
Gaznazdiak
Warrant Officer C1
Warrant Officer C1
 
Posts: 1379
New South Wales

Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 13 Sep 2017, 9:07 pm

A big scottsman was following this good looking sheila all of a sudden a gust of wind blew the sheilas dress up over her head
this showed she wasn't wearing nickers
And the big scottsman said in his heavy Scottish slang'' Bit ha'rie today yeah '' !
The sheila spun around and yelled ''What did you expect f#@ feathers ''?
Member-Deleted
 

Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 13 Sep 2017, 10:03 pm

What's the difference between driving a Volvo car,,,,, and having a grope under a scotchmans kilt ??








You feel a bigger d!ck when your driving a Volvo.
:shock:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
User avatar
Die Judicii
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3706
Queensland

PreviousNext

Back to top
 
Return to Off topic - General conversation