Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post by bladeracer » 11 Sep 2017, 6:14 pm

From FB - for real or somebody having a joke?
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Re: Jokes

Post by Supaduke » 11 Sep 2017, 6:32 pm

bladeracer wrote:From FB - for real or somebody having a joke?


Sadly it's hard to tell sometimes these days. The depth of human stupidity knows no bounds....
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Re: Jokes

Post by scoobs » 12 Sep 2017, 11:01 am

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Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 12 Sep 2017, 11:43 pm

Well i'm not sure i'll get this one through but i''ll give it a go

Two gay blokes were going to play mums and dads one was 6ft5in and the other was 4ft3in
The little fellow says I want to be mummy tonight and the big fellow says don't be silly you might get hurt but the little fellow insisted so they went ahead
The next minute the little fellow let out a bellow the big fellow said very sternly I told you so and the little fellow fired back and said at least you
could have rolled my singlet up
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Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 12 Sep 2017, 11:48 pm

Supaduke wrote:
bladeracer wrote:From FB - for real or somebody having a joke?


Sadly it's hard to tell sometimes these days. The depth of human stupidity knows no bounds....


...and the sad truth of this made me laugh...
The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 13 Sep 2017, 12:41 am

Bill & Mary, an unhappily married couple together for 37 years are driving through the tight windy roads of a the hills on a terribly stormy night...
A huge tree with rain sodden roots gives way to a strong gust of wind falling right in front of the moving car, causing Bill (driving) to swerve, loose control & topple off the road down a steep 100ft drop to smash roof first into another tree, killing Bill instantly, & leaving Mary unconcious with severe internal injuries.

Bill arrives at the gates of St. Peter, & confused he asks where he is...
St. Peter explains he is at heavans gate & must pass a spelling test to enter...

Bill explains to St. Peter that he was a school dropout at the age of 14, has no education & knows of nothing other than how to weld.

St. Peter assures him the spelling test for him will be easy & asks him to spell the word 'love', which Bill does successfully, & enters heaven with a huge sigh of relief..!

Suddenly alarms begin to sound, sirens wale & red lights flash intensly...St. Peter says its Gods alarm, he is needed urgently & must depart to God immediately.
St. Peter cannot leave the gates un-manned & insists Bill take the throne till such time as he returns...
Bill..."what if some comes, what do i do...?
St. Peter..."just ask them to spell any word you choose as long as you can pronounce it correctly, if they are correct the gates will open automatically & in they walk, if they are wrong a trap door opens wherever they are standing & they disappear to hell for eternity.

10 mins later, just as all Bills worries appeared over for ever, his nagging wife appears outside the gate...
Bill..."what are you doing here" he asks Mary...
Mary..."well thanks to your uselessness & inability to even steer a car, i got slammed into a tree, knocked unconcious & suffered internal hemorrhaging, cardiac arrest & i died".
Shaking the gates vigorously, Mary goes on to say "this is obviously heaven, so let me in...now Bill...!!!!"
Bill..."you have to pass a spelling test to get in to heaven today"...
Mary..."well it cant be that hard a test if you got in...so what do i have to spell"...
Bill, with a vindicated relief in his voice says..."Czechoslovakia"
The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 13 Sep 2017, 1:42 am

A nurse is doing the medicine rounds in a dementia ward.
Coming to old Bills's door she hears a voice from within the room making car engine noises,...
Entering the room she sees Bill sitting up in bed pretending to drive a car & asks "what are you doing Bill...?"
Bill replies..."im off on a an interstate sales trip, i need to increase sales over the border so ill be gone a few days"...

Nurse gives him his tablets & moves on to the next room, where from outside the room she can hear a strange kind of wet slapping/squelching noise along with a voice muttering the occasional "yeah--yeah".

She enters the room & to her great shock she sees Doug sitting up in his bed vigorously masturbating...
She asks sternly.."oh my god Doug what on earth are you doing...?!!!

Doug replies..."im f*#×ing Bills wife while he's away...!
The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Lifesaride » 13 Sep 2017, 6:50 am

Two Irish builders (Paddy and Séamus) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub in Dublin when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Paddy: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Séamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker..
Paddy: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Pat and he makes for
the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at
the urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better
of the builder.
Paddy: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering
what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Paddy: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at
home?
Paddy: - Err... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in
a pond. Which is it?
Paddy: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have
a large garden.
Paddy - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have
a large garden then you have a large house?
Paddy: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is
logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that
you are quite probably married?
Paddy: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?
Paddy:- Yep! Five or six nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
very often?
Paddy: - Me? Never.
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Paddy: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!
Paddy: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.
Séamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Paddy - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Séamus: - What's that then?
Paddy: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Séamus: - Nope.
Paddy: - Well then, you're a wanker..
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 13 Sep 2017, 9:27 am

A priest is visiting homeless men when he sees an old drunk perusing a porno mag.
"You shouldn't be wasting your time looking at that nonsense" said the priest, you would be better reading the bible."
"Why on earth would I read that?" asked the drunk.
"Well" said the priest, "it's full of geat inspirational stories."
"What bloody stories?"
Excited to get some interest the priest replies"One of my favorites is the story of Samson and Delilah. They were down by the river one day, grinding corn, when they were set upon by 10,000 Philistines. Samson, who was unarmed, picked up the jaw bone of an ass and slew 1,000 of them and put the rest to rout."
Impressed despite himself the drunk admits that was a good tale so the priest gives him his pocket bible.
Later that day the drunk is set up under a bridge with his metho and orange juice and is looking through the bible when he's joined by a mate. The mate sees the bible and wants to know what he's doing with it.
The new book owner, with 1/2 a bottle of metho on board, is glad to tell him of his discovery.
"Oh maaaate, there's some good yarns in here" he slurs, holding up his new book.
After another hit on the bottle he continues, "Like the one about Simpson and his delightful, they was down by the river one day, having a grind in the corn, when all these Phillipino bastards lob in and attack them. So Simpson grabbed the arse bone of a mule and killed 10,000 of them and rooted the rest!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 13 Sep 2017, 9:32 am

:mrgreen:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 13 Sep 2017, 9:07 pm

A big scottsman was following this good looking sheila all of a sudden a gust of wind blew the sheilas dress up over her head
this showed she wasn't wearing nickers
And the big scottsman said in his heavy Scottish slang'' Bit ha'rie today yeah '' !
The sheila spun around and yelled ''What did you expect f#@ feathers ''?
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 13 Sep 2017, 10:03 pm

What's the difference between driving a Volvo car,,,,, and having a grope under a scotchmans kilt ??








You feel a bigger d!ck when your driving a Volvo.
:shock:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 14 Sep 2017, 8:56 am

The Best Divorce Letter,ever !
FIRST LETTER:
My Dear husband:
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you.
I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Wife.
Don't try to find me.
Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand together!
Have a great life!


REPLY: Dear Ex-wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & bitching.
Too bad that doesn't work any more.

I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!'
Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment...... and when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years.

About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.

So when I won the $20 million Lotto, on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Paris, but when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess?

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.
I hope that's not a problem.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 14 Sep 2017, 5:08 pm

A recently divorced man was walking along a beach, and found a bottle with a genie in it.
When he uncorked the bottle and released the genie, the genie said,,,,,,,,,,

I can grant you 3 wishes for releasing me,,, but be advised,, whatever you wish for your ex wife will receive double.

So the man says, for the 1st wish can I have a Ferrari ?

Certainly said the genie,, but remember your ex will get two Ferraris.

OK the man said, and so, for my 2nd wish can I have a luxury home in tropical paradise ?

Certainly said the genie,, but remember your ex will get two luxury homes in tropical paradise.

No worries said the man that's ok.

The genie asked the man what he would like for his 3rd and final wish.

The man replied,,,,,,,,, Could you please beat me half to death ?
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 14 Sep 2017, 7:34 pm

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!

Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.

My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success.

Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."
--
It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny
day that you realise how often they burst into flames.
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Re: Jokes

Post by COLLECTOR 1 » 15 Sep 2017, 4:13 pm

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane..

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat ... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his..

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going

to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk

some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of

all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who

are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really

be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba." :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 16 Sep 2017, 9:26 am

There are 10 kinds of people when it comes binary mathematics, those who understand it and those who don't.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 16 Sep 2017, 9:29 am

The America Journal of Psychology has determined that there are 2 basic psychological types of people, those who can extrapolate from given data,
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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 16 Sep 2017, 6:41 pm

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer
negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price the sheerer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it
to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for
myself.'


She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.


The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
--
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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 16 Sep 2017, 6:43 pm

Gaznazdiak wrote:There are 10 kinds of people when it comes binary mathematics, those who understand it and those who don't.


There are II kinds of people, those who understand Roman numerals and those who don't.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 19 Sep 2017, 1:22 am

A young boy's budgie has died & is laying in the bottom of the cage...

Boy--"Dad whats wrong with my budgie...?"

Dad--"ah son, unfortunately the budgie has died"

Boy--"so why is it laying on its back with its legs in the air"

Dad--"err...uumm...well thats so the angels can pick it up & take it up to God in heaven"

Boy--"gee Dad, mummy nearly died the other day...!"

Dad--"what are you talking about son, your mum is fine"

Boy--"well dad the other day when i came home from school, mum was lying on the lounge floor with her legs in the air yelling 'oh God im coming im coming, & she might have died & gone to heaven if it wasnt for Mr Smith next door holding her down..."
The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 20 Sep 2017, 9:34 pm

Are your job interviews up to speed?

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Re: Jokes

Post by COLLECTOR 1 » 20 Sep 2017, 10:43 pm

And truely that's what it's like sometimes....hahahaha.....believe me

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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 21 Sep 2017, 9:03 am

A good dog!! :thumbsup:

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This hard living ain't as easy as it used to be!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 21 Sep 2017, 9:13 am

:mrgreen:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 21 Sep 2017, 9:21 am

BRNO_Bigot wrote:
Gaznazdiak wrote:There are 10 kinds of people when it comes binary mathematics, those who understand it and those who don't.


There are II kinds of people, those who understand Roman numerals and those who don't.


I'll pay that
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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 21 Sep 2017, 11:15 am

I went to Dan Murphy's on my bicycle last Friday afternoon, bought a bottle of the Black Label Johnny Walker that was on special & carefully stowed it in the bicycle basket.


As I was about to leave, I thought to myself........ if I fell off the bicycle,

the bottle would break.

So I rested......& drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision,

because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 21 Sep 2017, 4:38 pm

BRNO_Bigot wrote:I went to Dan Murphy's on my bicycle last Friday afternoon, bought a bottle of the Black Label Johnny Walker that was on special & carefully stowed it in the bicycle basket.


As I was about to leave, I thought to myself........ if I fell off the bicycle,

the bottle would break.

So I rested......& drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision,

because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home!


It's easy to pick those that take the risk of NOT falling off,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
They are the ones with black tongues and bitumin breath.
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gwion » 22 Sep 2017, 2:54 pm

BRNO_Bigot wrote:I went to Dan Murphy's on my bicycle last Friday afternoon, bought a bottle of the Black Label Johnny Walker that was on special & carefully stowed it in the bicycle basket.


As I was about to leave, I thought to myself........ if I fell off the bicycle,

the bottle would break.

So I rested......& drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision,

because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home!


:lol:
Nice one, but the basket on your bike is a bit weird... Are you an 11yo girl??? :P :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 22 Sep 2017, 3:06 pm

Gwion wrote:
BRNO_Bigot wrote:I went to Dan Murphy's on my bicycle last Friday afternoon, bought a bottle of the Black Label Johnny Walker that was on special & carefully stowed it in the bicycle basket.


As I was about to leave, I thought to myself........ if I fell off the bicycle,

the bottle would break.

So I rested......& drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision,

because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home!


:lol:
Nice one, but the basket on your bike is a bit weird... Are you an 11yo girl??? :P :lol:



No, but I stole it from one ... :allegedly:
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