Jokes

[Oldbloke]

A man and a woman were on their way to get married when they were involved in a car accident.

The couple stood outside Heavens gate, waiting on Saint Peter to do the paperwork so they could enter.

Do you think we can still get married in heaven? the man said to Saint Peter.

He looked puzzled. You know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Ill see what we can do.

For months, the couple wandered around Heaven, waiting for a response to their question

Finally, an exhausted-looking Saint Peter found them again. Yes, he said. You can get married in Heaven.

And what if things dont work out? the woman asked. Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?

Are you kidding me? Saint Peter groaned. It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long its going to take me to find a lawyer?

[Oldbloke]

A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?

The livestock dealer said, Why dont you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand? Hey, thanks! the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?

The farmer said, Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Lets take my short cut and go down this alley. Well be there in no time.

The little old lady said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you wont hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?

The farmer said, Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?

She replied, Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and Ill hold the chickens.

[COLLECTOR 1]

Hahahhahahhahahahah.....classic

[COLLECTOR 1]

An art that unfortunately is being lost.... the ability to just tell a joke

Collector 1

[Daddybang]

Bloody brilliant OB!!!

[Oldbloke]

I just bought two live chickens And goose to take home.

[Oldbloke]

Dicks

dicks.jpg (113.65 KiB) Viewed 7155 times

[Oldbloke]

AN OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND ****ED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.

[Oldbloke]

Big Bad Don

We don't usually post links to internet but I thought it was quite funny.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALGkQq3RJ7k

[BRNO_Bigot]

...Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy (let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen.

[Oldbloke]

Not bad BB.

[BRNO_Bigot]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, ‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.’ The Irishman replies, ‘Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.

‘The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ‘I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.’

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. ‘Oh, no, ‘ he says, ‘Everyone is fine. I’ve just quit drinking!

[Oldbloke]

Its a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. Shes wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.

She does and Mr Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.

Now try lifting your dress up your thighs this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, Now, tell HIM you have a headache.

True story

[Oldbloke]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a
stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at
midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed
and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and
on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot
soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as
he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James
Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would
not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled
around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?

[Oldbloke]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra- curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.

He said nothing..

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, He walked home .... .and left it there all night.

[Cooper]

Q: How do you cancel an appointment with the sperm bank?
A: Simple. You just phone and say you can't cum any more.

[Cooper]

I know someone who was once a man trapped inside the body of a woman.

They will never keep lube and super glue in the same drawer ever again.

[Oldbloke]

Bruce and Trevor are beggars. They beg in different areas of Bondi.
Bruce begs just as long as Trevor but only collects two to three dollars every day.
Trevor brings home a suitcase full of ten-dollar notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Bruce says to Trevor, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how do you manage to bring home a suitcase full of ten-dollar notes every day?"
Trevor says, "Look at your sign. What does it say?"
Bruce's sign reads "I have no work, and have a wife and six kids to support".
Trevor says, "No wonder you only get two or three dollars."
Bruce says, 'So what does your sign say?'
Trevor shows Bruce his sign. It reads, 'I only need another ten dollars to move back to New Zealand'.

[Cooper]

During the medical examination of a female patient the doctor says "your heart, lungs,pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts to take off her nickers but is stopped by the doctor,
"No, no.....I meant for you to stick out your tongue!"

[Oldbloke]

For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting. When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles; there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"
"I suppose" the husband responded dryly "we could clean the house".

[Oldbloke]

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow. Presenter: "Wow!! This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?" "Sticks!" says Paddy.

[Gaznazdiak]

Two nuns are riding their bicycles through the cobbled streets of a small French village. One says to the other, "I like this village, I've never come this way before."
To which the other replied, "It's probably the cobblestones."

[Gaznazdiak]

For the ladies

[Daddybang]

[darwindingo]

The missus has been on and on about upgrading to a new fandangle bag less vacuum…

Although I can agree the concept of a bag less vacuum sounds sound’s like a pretty bloody good idea to me...

I’m just a little suspicious that it means that vacuuming is going to be my job from now on…

I ask what the hell is the old bag going to do now ?

[Stix]

Its a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. Shes wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.

She does and Mr Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.

Now try lifting your dress up your thighs this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, Now, tell HIM you have a headache.

True story

GOLD...!!!

[Stix]

Two mates having their ritual beer at the bar on a friday night....

Mick says to Dave "mate ive bad news, i cant come out for beers any more"...
Dave--"why not mate, whats up...?"

Mick--"its the missus, she hates it that i get home so late & stinking of beer & she says i make too much noise...i do my best to keep quiet when i get home, i park the car on the street so as to keep noise down, i take my shoes off at the door & get undressed in the lounge room, i tip toe to the bedroom & very carefully peel the covers back & ever so slowly get into bed...and no matter how quiet i am she always wakes up & gives me a hard time...!!!"

Dave--"ah mate see there's your problem...!!!... you need to take a leaf out of my book fella...see when i get home i rev the guts outa the ol' V8 in the drive, i fumble the keys as loud as i can at the door & slam it shut, i stomp to the bedroom & kick me boots off into the wardrobe door--'bang thwang', i peel off me clothes n chuck em accross the room & rip the covers clean off the bed, do a big sui dive onto the matress, & then i give the ol'girl a slap on the rump & say 'so hows about a good bit a bumpin uglies for ya hard workin man eh love'...
And fair dinkum mate i tell ya, she dont move a muscle & i dont hear a bludy peep...!!!..."

[darwindingo]

Two mates having their ritual beer at the bar on a friday night....

Mick says to Dave "mate ive bad news, i cant come out for beers any more"...
Dave--"why not mate, whats up...?"

Mick--"its the missus, she hates it that i get home so late & stinking of beer & she says i make too much noise...i do my best to keep quiet when i get home, i park the car on the street so as to keep noise down, i take my shoes off at the door & get undressed in the lounge room, i tip toe to the bedroom & very carefully peel the covers back & ever so slowly get into bed...and no matter how quiet i am she always wakes up & gives me a hard time...!!!"

Dave--"ah mate see there's your problem...!!!... you need to take a leaf out of my book fella...see when i get home i rev the guts outa the ol' V8 in the drive, i fumble the keys as loud as i can at the door & slam it shut, i stomp to the bedroom & kick me boots off into the wardrobe door--'bang thwang', i peel off me clothes n chuck em accross the room & rip the covers clean off the bed, do a big sui dive onto the matress, & then i give the ol'girl a slap on the rump & say 'so hows about a good bit a bumpin uglies for ya hard workin man eh love'...
And fair dinkum mate i tell ya, she dont move a muscle & i dont hear a bludy peep...!!!..."

That's a ripper.. !!

[Oldbloke]

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[Daddybang]

A good laugh to start the day fellas