Jokes

[darwindingo]

A bloke bought an old bull from a farmer for $100 and the farmer agreed to deliver the bull the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry mate, but I have some bad news. The bull died in the back of the truck overnight."

"Well, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that mate, I have spent it already."

"OK, then. Just unload the dead bull."

"What are you going to do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead bull!"

"Sure I can, I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer bumped into the bloke and asked, "What happened with that dead bull?"

"I raffled him off, I sold 500 hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Only the guy who won the raffle. He outright demanded his money back, so I gave his two dollars back."

[darwindingo]

Two old ladies (Jean and Joan) are outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it starts to piss down rain.

Jean, pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

Joan said “What the hell is that?”

“Its a condom, it protects my cigarette from getting wet replied Jean.”

Joan asked “Where did you get it from?”

Jean said “You can get them at any chemist and a few pub toilets too”

Liking the idea, the next day Joan hobbles herself into the local chemist on her walker and announces to the very young pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms !!!.

Extremely shocked and embarrassed the young pharmacist (first day on the job), looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all well over 80 years of age) Being so young and innocent he reluctantly asks If there is a specific brand or style/flavour she prefers?..

Joan replied “Doesn't really matter sonny, Just as long as it will fit on a camel.”

The poor innocent young pharmacist fainted on the spot in absolute shock and horror.

[darwindingo]

Gee, tough crowd tonight

[darwindingo]

Somewhere deep in the woods, there was a bear and a rabbit.

The bear was taking a $hit, when out of the corner of his eye he spotted the rabbit... He said to the rabbit "Hey, I'm really curious to ask you ? as a rabbit do you have any problems with $hit sticking to your fur ?.."

The rabbit said " Errrrrr, no... I cannot say I have ever had any problems with that whatsoever " so the bear grabbed the rabbit and wiped his a$$ with him...

[Title_II]

Alright, I'm calling foul on the last one, boo!

But overall, you should be getting paid for this

[darwindingo]

OK... Lets try another cop related one then

A police officer was patrolling the highway when he noticed a guy tied up to a tree, crying.

The officer stops and approaches the guy.

"What's going on here?", he asks.

The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker and he pulled a knife on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up."

The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his old fella and said "Well I guess this just isn't your lucky day, pal!"





Ps... Title, Feel free to send your payments to Dingo.com

[darwindingo]

And to think, I threw the red head assassin one in with you in mind mate as I knew you liked the read head babes

Perhaps you will like this one then, I even worked your handle into it (hope you don't mind mate )....

Title_II comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. I can earn $500 for a blow J*B there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." Title_II thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you Title_II says, "Because I really want to see how you survive on $1000 a year!!!"

Def..... no offense intended !! Just trying to give ya a good laugh mate!!! hope you like it..



Jeff

[Title_II]

I do better than some guys I know, it can be sad out there!

[coroboreeboy]

A young archaeologist recently qualifies and gets his first job on a "dig" in the desert. He is being shown around by an older, experienced hand, when he asks what they do for entertainment out here in the desert.
"Well" says the old guy, " On Friday night, a truck full of beer comes out from the city and we all get rolling drunk"
"I wouldn't like that" says the young man.
"Well then there's Saturday night" says the older man, "A bus comes out from the city full of women, and we have a big orgy"
"I wouldn't like that" says the young man.
"Hey, you're not gay are you" the old guy says.
"Certainly not!" he replies.
"Oh, well you won't like Sunday night either"

[darwindingo]

[Die Judicii]

The same young archaeologist that Coroboreeboy was talking about continued to work on that "dig",,,,
but soon became annoyed at the old codger,,,,,,
because whatever the young bloke found in the dig, and labelled, the old codger would re label it and correct him.

If he found an arrow head, the young bloke would label it as coming from the stone age period, but the old codger would change it.
No matter what the young bloke thought, the old codger would always have a differing opinion.

Finally the young bloke was so annoyed that he vowed he would win out over the old codger.
The very next morning, the young bloke entered the old codgers tent, and dropped a used tampax pad on the table.

OK,,,,,,,,,,,,,, could you tell me what period that came from, the young bloke asked ?

[Supaduke]

Old Roy and Ethel were sitting around the dining table , bills laid out in front of them, discussing their current financial situation.

"The pension is not enough Ethel" said Roy, "I'm too old to work, you're going to have to turn tricks and earn us some extra cash"

"Ok" says Ethel, and so that night she heads to the local red light district and begins work as a prostitute.

5am the next morning she staggers in the door looking exhausted and slaps down $50.50c

"50c?" Says Roy, "Who the hell gave you 50c?

Ethel looks bewildered .......
"Everyone!"

[darwindingo]

Two mates camping in the mountains had spent four weeks together and they were getting a little testy.

One morning Neil said,

"You know we're starting to get on each other's nerves, so why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight we'll meet back up to have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

Bob agrees and hikes south.

That night over dinner Neil tells his story,

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley and I followed a stream until I found a crystal clear mountain lake. I went for a swim and then I sat down on a log to dry out and have lunch. Whilst eating lunch I watched several deer come and drink from the lake. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and wedge tail eagles floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

Bob said,

"I headed south and eventually ran across a set of railroad tracks so I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and then we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. When I was so tired I could barely move, I headed back to camp."

"Wow!!" Neil exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," said Bob eating his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

[Die Judicii]

Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," said Bob eating his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

There's something wrong with you Dingo,,,,,,,,,,, But I like it.

[darwindingo]

There is plenty wrong with this Dingo mate, Fleas, Ticks, a little issue with mange, along with an odd sense of humor and drinking way more piss than a Dingo probably should to say the least...

[Gamerancher]

You must be a "mangy part-bred" Darwin, pure dingos have a natural resistance to fleas.

[darwindingo]

You must be a "mangy part-bred" Darwin, pure dingos have a natural resistance to fleas.

[Daddybang]

Q: Why did the blonde wake up with a sore belly button?

A:She has a blonde boyfriend. ...

[darwindingo]

Perhaps he took her out to dinner and thought that was how to get the food in to her ? he was blonde after all

[darwindingo]

I once hit up a blonde for some action, she said “I’m willing if you can assure me that you can last longer than my last lover” ...

I said “Well, I can honestly say that I once spent 9 months inside a woman if that helps you decide ?…”

[Daddybang]

Q:how does you make a woman orgasm

A:who cares!!

[Daddybang]

Love ya work darwindingo took me about half an hour to stop laughing at Yale railway joke. .

[darwindingo]

Glad it gave you a laugh mate... mostly, I'm just repeating what I've been sent, seen or told.

A bloke I worked with years ago would constantly tell me jokes for the entire 12 hour shifts we worked (all from memory), day in day out without fail for years... How I ever got any bloody work done is beyond me, he was a real blast..

Here is another one...


A mates wife was hinting to him about what she wanted for their upcoming anniversary.

She said “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.”

So he bought her a scale.

[darwindingo]

Bill and Jim were having a few beers and Jim asked Bill so you have been married for two years now, how's that all going for you mate ?

Bill said “Hey Jim I must confess that I haven’t spoken to my wife in over 18 months.”

Jim was a little shocked and asked “Why not ?”

Bill said, “Well, its just that she doesn't like it when I interrupt her.”

[darwindingo]

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.99 and deer nuts are just under a buck.

[darwindingo]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have at least two names, a trade name and generic name.

For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of Paracetamol, Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it was recently announced that they had settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

They also considered, Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

[darwindingo]

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift..

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

[darwindingo]

10 year old Bobby was alone in the farmhouse as his parents had gone into town.

Suddenly there was a knock at the front door, he opened it to find their neighbor, Mr. Dicks, with a worried look on his face.

"Hi, Bobby, Is your daddy home? I really need to talk to him."

"No, Mr. Dicks. He and mum both went into town. If you tell me what you need, maybe I can help you. I know where everything is and I can even drive the tractor on my own now."

Mr. Dicks shuffled his feet nervously and then said "Well, it's about your older brother, Robert getting my daughter Afeelia pregnant."

Bobby thought for a moment and then replied "Sorry, Mr. Dicks I cant help with that one, you will really need to talk to dad about that one. I know he charges $500 for the Bull and $50 for the Boar, but I really don't know how much he would charge for Robert."

[Die Judicii]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have at least two names, a trade name and generic name.

For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of Paracetamol, Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it was recently announced that they had settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

They also considered, Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Hey there Dingo,,,, you really need to keep up with new drugs coming on to the market, and I think you missed this one.
There is a new wonder drug now available that is ten times better than Viagra.

The only known side effect is that if you don't swallow it fast enough,,,,,,,, you get a stiff neck.

[Die Judicii]

Some of the above mentioned seem to be picking on Blondes,,,,,,
So here we go.

What is the difference between a Blonde and a Washing Machine ?

A Washing Machine won't follow you around for weeks,, after putting a load into it.