Jokes

[Daddybang]

20170926_134603.jpeg (96.61 KiB) Viewed 5731 times

[Die Judicii]

An old priest lay dying in Woden's, Canberra Hospital. He had served
the people near the nation's capital, at Manuka for many years.
He motioned for the nurse to come near.
"Yes father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Malcolm Turnbull and Bill Shorten before I
die" whispered the priest.
"I will see what I can do" said the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to parliament house and waited for a
response. Soon an answer came back: Both Malcolm Turnbull and Bill
Shorten would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they were driven to the hospital in Malcolm's new BMW, Turnbull
commented to Shorten, "I don't know why this old priest wants to see
us, but it certainly will help our images and may even help our
re-election prospects."
Shorten agreed it was probably a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room the priest took Turnbull's hand
in his right hand and Shorten's hand in his left hand.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Shorten spoke "Father of all people you could have chosen, why
did you chose us to be with you at this time when your end is so
near?"
The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life
and behaviour after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
"Amen" said Turnbull.
"Amen" replied Shorten.
The old priest continued, "Jesus Christ our saviour died between two
lying thieving bastards, and I wanted to do the same."

GOLD,,,,,,,,,,,

[darwindingo]

A bloke takes his son out fishing.

Being a very curious young lad he asks his dad “what is it that makes a boat float?”

The father replies “I have know idea son.”

After a while the young lad asks “Dad, how the hell do fish breathe underwater !!?”

Again the father replies, “I have absolutely no idea son.”…..

Next he asks “Why does mum get so angry when you go have beers or go shooting with the boy’s dad?”

Again his father replied “I have no idea son”…

After a couple of minutes, the son said “Sorry dad, I hope you don’t mind me asking you all of these questions"...

The father replies "hell no, of course not son.. If you don't ask questions, you never learn NOTHING".





Jeff

[Daddybang]

What type of bees produce milk?.


BOOBIES!!!!!!!

[JonBarskio]

What type of bees produce milk?.


BOOBIES!!!!!!!

Lol! This definitely made my day.

[Member-Deleted]

Hey Daddybang there's a sea bird called a blue footed boobie does it give milk to ? ( LOL )

[Gaznazdiak]

Five women were sitting in a room together not talking.

[Daddybang]

Hey Daddybang there's a sea bird called a blue footed boobie does it give milk to ? ( LOL )

Is it a type of SWALLOW???

[Member-Deleted]

Yep could be one of the biggest SWALLOWS you'll ever see

[JonBarskio]

A woman got on a bus, holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

[JonBarskio]

Cop on a horse says to a little girl on a bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

[Daddybang]

Cop on a horse says to a little girl on a bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

[BRNO_Bigot]

Two goodies, Jon.

[BRNO_Bigot]

Anyone as sick as I am of telemarketers?

Here's a wonderful table-turning https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvnMINVEF9M

[JonBarskio]

Two goodies, Jon.

Thanks, man! I always want to have a nice laugh, and share it along the way.

[JonBarskio]

A police officer pulls over an elderly couple.

He walks up to the driver's side window and asks the husband for his license and registration.

The wife, hard of hearing, asks "what?! What did he say to you?"

The husband replies "he wants my license!"

The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going.

The wife yells "what?! What did he say to you?"

The husband yells back "he says I was speeding!"

As the officer looks at the license he notices they're from Ohio "you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable. She would never shut up, couldn't cook worth s**t, constantly belittled me, and the sex was just awful."

The old lady once again yells "what?! What did he say to you?"

The husband yells back "he said you two used to date!"

[JonBarskio]

"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars."

"That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic."

[darwindingo]

A police officer pulls over an elderly couple.

He walks up to the driver's side window and asks the husband for his license and registration.

The wife, hard of hearing, asks "what?! What did he say to you?"

The husband replies "he wants my license!"

The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going.

The wife yells "what?! What did he say to you?"

The husband yells back "he says I was speeding!"

As the officer looks at the license he notices they're from Ohio "you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable. She would never shut up, couldn't cook worth s**t, constantly belittled me, and the sex was just awful."

The old lady once again yells "what?! What did he say to you?"

The husband yells back "he said you two used to date!"

[Oldbloke]

This is for all the old codgers here.

I had a problem with my computer yesterday.

So I called Eric, the 11-year-old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, So, what was wrong? He replied, It was an ID ten T error.

I didnt want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

An, ID ten T error? Whats that? In case I need to fix it again.

Eric grinned . Havent you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

No, I replied.

Write it down, he said, and I think youll figure it out. So I wrote down:

.......................

.......................

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little jerk.

[Oldbloke]

Husband called his wife on the phone:

Honey Ive been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. Were leaving from office & Ill swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pajamas!

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but being a good wife she did exactly as her husband said.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but looking good

The wife welcomed him & asked if he caught much fish?

The husband said

Yes dear, we caught lots of salmon, bluegill and a few Swordfish. But, let me ask you something why didnt u pack my blue silk pajamas?

She says, I did, theyre in your fishing box.

[darwindingo]

This is for all the old codgers here.

I had a problem with my computer yesterday.

So I called Eric, the 11-year-old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, So, what was wrong? He replied, It was an ID ten T error.

I didnt want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

An, ID ten T error? Whats that? In case I need to fix it again.

Eric grinned . Havent you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

No, I replied.

Write it down, he said, and I think youll figure it out. So I wrote down:

.......................

.......................

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little jerk.

Bahhhhahahah, Cheeky little bugger....

[JonBarskio]

What's the difference between an actress and a hooker?

That's not a very good defense, Mr. Weinstein.

[JonBarskio]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seatbelt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

[JonBarskio]

I only drink on days beginning with "T.."

Tuesday, Thursday, today, and tomorrow.

[JonBarskio]

What's the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

[Supaduke]

At some point, everyone has gambled on a fart........ and lost.

[Oldbloke]

BLOODY SEX DISCRIMINATION!

Shirts.jpg (98.27 KiB) Viewed 5462 times

[Member-Deleted]

An old bloke goes to the doctor ''Doc I can't go to the toilet''
''OH'' said the doctor ''I'll give you something for that''
So he gives the old timer a bottle of pills ''Now when you've finished those come back and see me''
''OK'' said the old timer
After a month the old timer turns up at the doctors and the doctor asks ''How did you go with your little problem''?
The old bloke looked up and said ''No f@#ken good for all the good those tablets done me I may as well stuck them up my arse''
The doctor shook his head and said ''You stupid old bastard that's what you're supposed to do''

[Die Judicii]

Police officer pulls over a car full of old age women on the freeway.
They had been holding up traffic because they were only doing 30 kph
The driver says I'm sorry officer,,,, I'm only obeying the speed limit.

Police officer hesitates,,,,, then smiles and he said to the driver, OH, now I see the problem,,,, that is not the speed limit, you are on Highway 30

Then he looks at the passengers and they are all trembling and pale.

He says, Are you ladies all right,,, should I call an ambulance ?

One of the passengers replied,, It's ok now that you have explained officer,,,,, we only just got off Highway 208.

[darwindingo]

WOF.JPG (53.39 KiB) Viewed 5432 times

I'll bet your first thought wasn't, Luck Be In The Air Tonight...