Jokes

[Oldbloke]

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[Oldbloke]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls had begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators

[Bent Arrow]

What's the difference between in-laws and out - laws?







Outlaws are wanted

[Tiger650]

A bloke begins to feel crook so visits his doctor who arranges for tests to be done, later he gets a call from the Doc who tells him to go to the hospital ASAP.
Bloke turns up at the hospital and is immediately given a private room, most impressed as he does not have health insurance !
Phone next to his bed rings it is the Doc who informs him that he has prescribed a Pizza diet, bloke likes pizza but is a little bemused and asks the Doc how pizza could help him recover ?
Doc says it will not but it is the only meal they can slide under the door !

[Tiger650]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper ?

Sold his soul to Santa.

[shapeshifter]

Did you here about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

Stays up all night wondering if there actually is a Dog

[Oldbloke]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls had begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators

[Tiger650]

LOL, another fan of Brietbart, good to see.

A young Australian Engineer gets posted to a branch office in a godforsaken ****** country where they have a project.

Before he leaves Oz he is briefed as follows :

"Where you are going you can do drugs, protest against the government, hang s**t on their religion etc, but DO NOT GO NEAR THE LOCAL WHORES, there is a particularly nasty venereal disease endemic and if you catch it the only cure is to have your dick cut off".

Bloke flies into country and expat staff collect him from the airport, after introductions they tell him:

"You can do drugs, protest against the government, hang s**t on their religion etc, but DO NOT GO NEAR THE LOCAL WHORES, there is a particularly nasty venereal disease endemic and if you catch it the only cure is to have your dick cut off".

A month or so in country the young bloke gets pissed in a bar and a young floozie sits on his lap and next thing they are upstairs, a week or ten days later the young fella starts to very uncomfortably piss in two streams.

He rings the Oz Consulate and tells them he wants contact details for a good European Doctor "Not one of these local third world witch doctor types".

Bloke calls to see the Doctor to be told that he was warned and the only solution is to cut his dick off, young bloke cracks it, gives the Doc an earfull and again calls the Consulate, gives them an earfull also and demands referal to a "proper" european doctor.

Result of visit to second Doctor brings the same diagnosis, his dick has to come off !

Young bloke is shattered and walks out into the street despondent, he then spies an old wizened barefoot Chinese healer under an awning across the road, trots across and explains the situation and the old Chinaman looks at his dick, shakes his head and says.

"No need do operation, European Doctor always want to do operation, for money you see ?"

Young Bloke is rapt and pulls his wallet out and asks for whatever herbs and spices are necessary.

The old Chinaman gives him a puzzled look and says "No can fix".

Young bloke protests, "You just told me that I do not have to have my dick cut off and now you tell me no can fix, WTF !"

Old Chinaman says "No need operation, one week, two week, fall off by self".

[Tiger650]

Battalion gets posted overseas, on Parade the Colonel speaks his piece re the threat etc the Medical Officer addresses them.

"You men are among the most intelligent and fittest our country has to offer, we intend that at the end of your tour you return home in good physical condition.

You must be aware that fully 50% of the female indigenous population are infected with tuberculosis and 50% with an intractable venereal disease, being highly trained and motivated Diggers you will know what I mean."

From the rear of the parade someone calls out "f*** the ones that cough !"

[Die Judicii]

I'm thinking about getting out of the welding game altogether, and starting to build sky scrapers.

Wonder how I'll go getting my business name approved.
I was thinking something along the lines of "Huge Erections"

[Die Judicii]

When the local Brothel closed down, they put a sign on the door that read,,

"We're closed, beat it"

[Die Judicii]

What do you call a bloke that's only got a 1/2" penis ??

Answer; Justin ( just in )

[Die Judicii]

For those that havnt heard this one already.

Prince Charles made a whirlwind visit to Normanton in the middle of summer last year.
And as it was a stinking hot day he looked very hot and uncomfortable in a fur hat.
When asked why he chose to wear a fur hat in the middle of summer, he replied,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"I was in an awful rush to pack for the trip, and Mummy asked where I was going in such a hurry.
To which I replied,, Normanton Mummy,,,,,,,,,,, and she said Wear the fox hat."

[MalleeFarmer]

If a woman is quiet what day is it??

Who cares!! Just enjoy it!!

[Oldbloke]

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[Oldbloke]

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[Die Judicii]

A man goes into a supermarket, and is confronted with an awful looking woman.

Couple of broken teeth, ratty hair, dirty and smelly.
She had two kids that matched her, one was still in nappies, and the other one was shoplifting stuff.

He said to the woman, " Nice twins you've got there luv "

Are you mad ? the woman asked,,,, one is 3yo and the other is 10yo

The bloke replied, "No, I'm not mad,,,,, just couldn't believe some poor guy coming back for another crack at you"

[Daddybang]

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Sorry if these have been posted before but they cracked me up.

[Oldbloke]

Husband: Love.....
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep now.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: All right.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: For heaven's sake, feel your way.
Wife: There! Do you feel better?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Yes, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself!!!!!

[Oldbloke]

I couldn't help but over-hear two young guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.


�

One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired.

His buddy says: Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me 3 & 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age, sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says:

"Marry the bitch, that'll soon put a stop to that ****."

[Oldbloke]

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[Oldbloke]

GEOGRAPHY OF MAN AND WOMEN.

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe -
well-developed and open to trade, especially
well-developed and open to trade, especially...
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece & gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past...
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada -
cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

.............see below

................

.........................

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a couple of nuts

[darwindingo]

Sometimes I wake up grumpy,>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>But I usually just let her sleep...

[Bent Arrow]

Stolen from elsewhere. Funny though

[Oldbloke]

Stolen from elsewhere. Funny though

I think she's right.

[Die Judicii]

LOL,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The ol hairy lassoo

[Tiger650]

Furry magnet.

[Die Judicii]

Q: What has got 4 legs and one arm ????


Ans: A very happy Rottweiler,,,,

[darwindingo]

Q: What has got 4 legs and one arm ????


Ans: A very happy Rottweiler,,,,

Bahhahahahahahahah....... That one really hits a home run with me mate .... I'll never forget how happy my old boy was when he dropped some scumbags finger at my feet one morning, that had attempted to break in to my shed.. He didn't eat it as, he wouldn't eat from strangers. He got a leg of lamb for dinner for that one..

[Daddybang]

Now that's a good dog!!