Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 02 Apr 2017, 12:18 am

Michelle and her husband Frank went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Michelle went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. :roll: She went on and on and on and on, neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. :roll:

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a considerable length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and asked Michelle to stand up, he embraced her, kissing and fondling her passionately as her husband Frank watched with a raised eyebrow! :huh:

After a few minutes the therapist stepped away.

The therapist then turned to Frank and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week to keep her happy.. Can you do this for her?"

Frank thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I guess if it will get her off my back, I can drop her off here on Monday's and Wednesday's, but on Friday's I go hunting with the boys. Do you make house calls by any chance?" :lol: ;)

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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 02 Apr 2017, 12:59 am

Ok, here is another one ...... :D

A bloke and his wife walked into the dentist's office.

The bloke said to the dentist “I'm in one hell of a big hurry mate! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for me to go deer hunting, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the darn tooth and be done with it… I don't have time to waste for any bloody anesthetic to work!.”

The dentist thought to himself, my god this bloke is sure one very brave and tough man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain.

The dentist said "OK then mate that's fine with me" and asked him “ So which tooth is it, sir?”

The bloke turned to his wife and said ”Open your darn mouth honey and show him which bloody tooth it is.”

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 02 Apr 2017, 9:39 pm

Here is 15 reasons why I believe having dog is better than having a wife.!!!!!

1. The later home you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.

2. A dog doesn't notice if you call them by another dogs name.

3. A dog wont bitch if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. A dog will comply when you raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. A dog never complains when you come home drunk, they are just happy to see you!!.

8. Dogs are always excited when you decide to go hunting.....

9. A dog will never wake you up in the middle of the night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. When a dog has babies, you can put up an ad and give them away if you want...

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar and a leash on it, without calling you a pervert.

12. Dogs don't know how to use your credit card....

13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad,,, they just find it interesting.

And a personal favorite,

14. Dogs prefer to ride on the back of the ute…. They can yap away all they want back there..... :lol:

And last, but not least…,

15. If a dog decides to run off , it won't take half of your stuff in the process!!.

If you think otherwise, test the theory…….

Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for a couple of days without food and water, then open it and see who's happy to see you. :D


:drinks:
Last edited by darwindingo on 03 Apr 2017, 1:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 02 Apr 2017, 11:37 pm

A blokes wife goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do, every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a solution for that, when your husband comes home drunk just take a mouthful of soft drink and start swishing it in your mouth, what ever you do just keep swishing and swishing and don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I just swished the soft dink in my mouth, I swished and swished until he went to bed just like you said, and he didn't lay a hand on me!"

The Doctor said "So do you see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

:o :o :o :o :wtf: :o ....
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 04 Apr 2017, 5:08 pm

A bloke staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, covered in bruises and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened?.

"Well, it was like this" said the bloke. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, then on a difficult hole we both sliced our balls into a paddock full of cows. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?", asked the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail, pointed and yelled to my wife, "Hey! This looks like yours!"

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by taffy4x4 » 04 Apr 2017, 5:14 pm

Although we've been married nearly 30 years I recently bought my wife a pair of crotch less knickers, not for the reason you're thinking, it's so she can grip the broomstick better.
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 04 Apr 2017, 5:20 pm

taffy4x4 wrote:Although we've been married nearly 30 years I recently bought my wife a pair of crotch less knickers, not for the reason you're thinking, it's so she can grip the broomstick better.


:lol: :lol: :lol:

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An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by taffy4x4 » 04 Apr 2017, 6:17 pm

The leader of the Greens walks into a bar with an ugly, sore infested, pus weeping toad on his head, what the hell's that shouts the barman, I dunno says the toad, it started off as a wart on my bum
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 04 Apr 2017, 6:53 pm

darwindingo wrote:Here is 15 reasons why I believe having dog is better than having a wife.!!!!!

1. The later home you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.

2. A dog doesn't notice if you call them by another dogs name.

3. A dog wont bitch if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. A dog will comply when you raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. A dog never complains when you come home drunk, they are just happy to see you!!.

8. Dogs are always excited when you decide to go hunting.....

9. A dog will never wake you up in the middle of the night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. When a dog has babies, you can put up an ad and give them away if you want...

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar and a leash on it, without calling you a pervert.

12. Dogs don't know how to use your credit card....

13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad,,, they just find it interesting.

And a personal favorite,

14. Dogs prefer to ride on the back of the ute…. They can yap away all they want back there..... :lol:

And last, but not least…,

15. If a dog decides to run off , it won't take half of your stuff in the process!!.

If you think otherwise, test the theory…….

Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for a couple of days without food and water, then open it and see who's happy to see you. :D


:drinks:


16 ) A dog doesn't tell tales,, like if you've been to the pub,, or another woman.
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 04 Apr 2017, 7:51 pm

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him.

After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon, Leader of the Scottish Nationalists.

That evening, the man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Nicola batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him?

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'
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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 04 Apr 2017, 7:53 pm

The Australian Taxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

ATO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

ATO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 04 Apr 2017, 10:06 pm

BRNO_Bigot wrote:A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him.

After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon, Leader of the Scottish Nationalists.

That evening, the man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Nicola batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him?

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 04 Apr 2017, 10:10 pm

BRNO_Bigot wrote:The Australian Taxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

ATO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

ATO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?


That's a beauty.... :lol: :lol: :lol:

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“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 04 Apr 2017, 10:51 pm

A farmer walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The farmer replies, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep." :lol:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 04 Apr 2017, 10:55 pm

A bank robber hits a bank and takes hostages.

In the course of the robbery, his mask slips off.

He turns to one of the hostages and asks "Did you see my face?"

The hostage said "Yes!"

The bank robber immediately shoots him.

The bank robber then turns to another hostage and asks "Did you see my face?"

The hostage said "NO!"... "but my wife did!" :lol:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 04 Apr 2017, 11:19 pm

A man sitting in a bar sees another patron,,,,,,
He is built like Mr Universe only bigger and better,,,,,,,,,,,,, Except,,,,
This guy has got a head the size and shape of an orange.

The man asks him "How come you've got such a perfect body, but a head shrivelled and looks like an orange ?"

The guy replied saying,,,,,,, Once I was shipwrecked,, and I ended up on a desert island on my own for twenty years.
One day as I was walking the beach, I found a mermaid that was in a bad way.
So, I performed mouth to mouth, and saved her.
She said that any wish I had would be granted for saving her life.

So I said,, seeing that you have the power,, and that you are a beautiful woman,,,,,,,,

How about a little head ????????
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 04 Apr 2017, 11:38 pm

Here is a test to find out if you kents have dirty minds !

Guess the missing letters of these words as fast as you can!

1. F_ _K

2. PU_S_

3. S_X

4. BOO_S

5. _ _NDOM



If you mob don’t have dirty minds then these will be the answers you came up with…..



1. FORK

2. PULSE

3. SIX

4. BOOKS

5. RANDOM


Knowing you mob, I’ll bet you all got them wrong….. :lol: :lol:

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Re: Jokes

Post by bradleyjohno » 05 Apr 2017, 1:49 am

Here is a joke to suit this month.

A woman successfully gives birth after several hours of labor. The doctor takes the baby and leaves the room to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly begin to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against an adjacent wall. The woman screams, "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!" To which the doctor replies, "April Fool's! It was already dead!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 08 Apr 2017, 9:20 pm

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.
'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the post man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'



DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 09 Apr 2017, 12:14 am

ANOTHER PARROT JOKE,,,,, to follow on from OBs

This particular guy also found a parrot that was well educated and spoke several languages fluently.
So the guy pays for the parrot and took it home.

Throughout the evening they discussed all manner of things until late.
The guy says well,,,,, its bedtime, and went to bed.

The next morning they talked during breakfast,, and then the guy starts getting ready to go to work.
The parrot said Hey, where are you going ?
The guy explained that he had to go to work.

Oh, good said the parrot,,,,, I'll come with you.
No, said the guy,, No parrots allowed at work.
So he walks out the door and leaves the parrot home.

You'll be sorry screeched the parrot.

Half an hour passes and the parrot suddenly got an evil idea.
He got on the phone and ordered 3 truckloads of readymix concrete.
When the trucks arrived, the parrot instructed them to pour it all over the prize rose bushes in the front yard.

That night when the guy comes home and sees what happened, the parrot said, "I told you you'd be sorry."

The guy was really angry, and went out to the shed.
He returned with a hammer and a handfull of nails.
He grabbed the parrot and spread eagled him on the lounge room wall,, and nailed him to it.
Not saying anything to the parrot, he had his evening meal,, then went to bed.

2 hours go by, and the parrot finally lifts his head and looks around the room.

On the far side he sees a crucifix,,,,,,,,, so he calls out and asks, "Who are you, and how long have you been nailed to that cross ?"

Jesus replied, and said,,,, "I am Jesus Christ, and I've been nailed to the cross for over 2,000 years."

Faaark,, said the parrot.

How much friggin concrete did you order ???????????
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I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 09 Apr 2017, 12:22 am

You mob crack me up :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 11 Apr 2017, 10:59 pm

Rumour has it that Pauline Hanson won't eat prawns,,,,,,,,

Apparently someone told her that they were crustaceans (crushed asians)

:lol:
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I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Title_II » 12 Apr 2017, 8:19 am

Parrot story, not joke.

My XGF used to house sit for some members of our church that we knew. They had a parrot and a stupid dog. I would go over there to bang her, eat their food, drink their booze, and spend the night.

The parrot loved Sesame Street. I think he even knew what time it came on. He would ignore all other TV, but got very excited for Sesame Street and you had to turn it on for him every day or he would get upset. If that wasn't curious enough, here is another one. When nobody was in the room, and it was quiet, the parrot would start yelling, "I'm on it! Don't worry, I'm taking care of it, I'm on it!" :eek:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Title_II » 12 Apr 2017, 8:34 am

OK, house sitting followup, why not.

I had a friend that was fascinated by black people. I guess you could say he was racist, but I don't think that would be an entirely accurate description. He loved racist jokes and mocking black people. He collected Black Americana and had it all over his house. But most of his friends were black and every party he threw was almost all black people. He went to a black Halloween party in the hood in black face dressed as Buckwheat and did not get shot. He was like Dr. Doolittle. His name is Scott.

OK, so same XGF, different house. We sort of drifted apart a bit, no drama, still friends. Her black friend Mike (I think) stayed over at the house and banged the s**t out of her. He leaves the next morning without waking her up. She calls me and tells me she went out that morning to buy something and her purse was empty. The dude banged her and then robbed her. She asked me what she should do. I am already thinking that I am going to call Scott the moment I get off the phone with her :D
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gwion » 12 Apr 2017, 8:46 am

And the point of those stories......
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Re: Jokes

Post by Title_II » 12 Apr 2017, 9:01 am

Gwion wrote:And the point of those stories......


You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch. ;)

The parrot jokes. I thought they were mildly amusing, if not actual jokes. More amusing than a few of the jokes in this thread! :D
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 23 Apr 2017, 8:19 pm

---IF WOMEN ONLY TRUSTED THEIR HUSBANDS!!!

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...

For example...

A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us,

so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Oldbloke
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 23 Apr 2017, 8:23 pm

Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal.
A man with no arms comes up to him and says: "Hey, can you give me a hand?"
Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help.

He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his ~ censor ~, which he is horrified to discover is all green and mouldy.

Imagining the bonus he will get come judgement day, he continues to hold the man's mouldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

"Hey, thanks a lot," the man says

"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says: "I don't know, but until I find out I'm sure not going to touch it!"
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
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Oldbloke
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 23 Apr 2017, 8:27 pm

Larry the Fighter Pilot
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this outrageous response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Larry's whore"
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
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Oldbloke
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 23 Apr 2017, 9:18 pm

Wisdom from the Military Manuals



'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' - U.S. Air Force Manual

----------- --------- --------- ---------

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' - General MacArthur

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.' - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

------ ------ --------- --------- ---------

'Tracer works both ways.' - U.S. Army Ordnance

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'Five second fuses only last three seconds.' - Infantry Journal

----------- - --- ------ --------- ---------

'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.' - Unknown Marine Recruit

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

'If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him.' - USAF Ammo Troop

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage , it's probably a helicopter - and, therefore, unsafe.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'

------------ --------- ------- -- ---------

'Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club.'

----------- --------- --------- ---------

'Never trade luck for skill.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

The three most common expressions, in aviation are:

'Why is it doing that?'

'Where are we?', and

'Oh S..t!'

----------- --------- --------- ---------

'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'

------------ --------- --------- --------- -

'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!'

----------- --------- --------- ---------

'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a

bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'

The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I only just got here myself!' - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
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Posts: 11192
Victoria

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