Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post by Bent Arrow » 29 Apr 2017, 8:16 pm

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick.

So he dialed the employee's home phone number after a number of rings he was answered by child's whisper
"Hello?"
'Is your daddy home?' '
Small voice whispered, 'Yes, he's out in the garden ,'
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered,' No.'
So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?'
'Yes she's out in the garden too'
The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?'
Again, 'No'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes, whispered the child,' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, He's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. '
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
It's a helicopter 'answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
'The search team just landed a helicopter
' A search team?' said the boss.
'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... 'ME '...:)
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bent Arrow » 01 May 2017, 6:09 pm

A government minister was seated next to a little girl on an aeroplane so
he turned to her and said, "Do you want to Talk? Flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the politician. "How about global warming, fast
broadband or the Refugee situation?" he said, smiling smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but
a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, with typical wisdom "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
refugees, computers, or climate change, when you don't know s**t ?"

Then she went back to reading her book.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 01 May 2017, 7:29 pm

I think that most politicians would fall into that classification.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 03 May 2017, 2:28 pm

What is the true definition of a "bolt" ???? :unknown:


It's what you ask for in a hardware store when the guy behind the counter is a very hefty homo,, and you are too sh!t scared to ask him for a screw.

:lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Title_II » 03 May 2017, 4:50 pm

Some of these are real crackers :D
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Re: Jokes

Post by Supaduke » 05 May 2017, 12:51 pm

A Hollywood agent was looking after the latest starlet, a stunningly beautiful girl and the talk of all the magazines.

Eventually he plucked up the courage to ask her out for dinner.

"You've got to be joking" she said " I am a famous Hollywood actress, I could have any man I wanted. No chance"

Feeling a little bit hurt he persisted over the next few months with the starlet always rudely turning him down.

Eventually one of the starlet's movies flopped and she was down on her luck a bit.

She said to the agent "I'll offer you one night with me for $5000"

"I'll take it" said the agent.
So he took her out for dinner then took her home where they finally got it on.

After they had finished she went to roll over for a sleep. "Just remember " said the agent "I paid for the whole night"

20 minutes later she got a tap on the shoulder and they went for it again.
Then every 20 minutes or so she would get another tap on the shoulder so she did it again and again all night.

Finally after about a dozen taps on the shoulder she gasped into the darkness
"If I had known my agent was so virile I would have let you do this ages ago"

"I'm not your agent lady" said a voice "he's outside selling tickets"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Title_II » 05 May 2017, 12:59 pm

Supaduke wrote:A Hollywood agent was looking after the latest starlet, a stunningly beautiful girl and the talk of all the magazines.

Eventually he plucked up the courage to ask her out for dinner.

"You've got to be joking" she said " I am a famous Hollywood actress, I could have any man I wanted. No chance"


Need to use the right line to snag a shiela like that.

"You wouldn't believe the size of my trunk. Come here. Let me show you real quick"

"Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 25 May 2017, 9:55 pm

Housework was women's work. But one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set.

She was astonished --something's up.

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to also do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well, and the next day, she told her office friends all about it.

"We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But, what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that was perfect, too. Ralph was too tired..."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 25 May 2017, 10:03 pm

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch-less panties
in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt
and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments, she uncrosses her legs ...
enough times till her husband says...
"Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s,"
she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God for that...

I thought you were sitting on the cat.

He never heard the gunshot.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 25 May 2017, 10:12 pm

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'

Well, says the bloke, 'I guess... I'd better have the bad news first?'The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it. 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...

So what's the other possible good news?'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 25 May 2017, 10:30 pm

What is the difference between a 69er and fog ?

In the fog you can't see the ar#hole in front of you. :D
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 25 May 2017, 10:39 pm

A woman gets a knock on the door and there is a policeman there.
He asks if she is Bill Burton's wife.
She replies Yes she is.

The policeman say's that he comes with some terrible news.

It would seem that Bill had an unfortunate accident at work in the brewery, and fell into the vat of scotch, and drowned.

She collapsed in anguish, but then asks, "Did he die a slow and terrible death ?"

No, I don't think so the policeman said.
Apparently he climbed out 3 times to go to the toilet.
:lol:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 26 May 2017, 3:52 am

:lol:
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https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Jokes

Post by monbeg » 26 May 2017, 10:41 am

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'

Well, says the bloke, 'I guess... I'd better have the bad news first?'The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it. 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...

So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gwion » 26 May 2017, 11:05 am

Someone has the same joke book as OB! :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by monbeg » 26 May 2017, 11:23 am

Gwion wrote:Someone has the same joke book as OB! :lol:


Oooopsie, just copied it from the email I got this morning. Should read the thread first I guess :unknown:
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Re: Jokes

Post by shapeshifter » 26 May 2017, 2:13 pm

What's the similarity between a camera and a condom?

They both capture the magic moment!
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Re: Jokes

Post by shapeshifter » 26 May 2017, 3:10 pm

Enjoy
Attachments
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 27 May 2017, 11:55 pm

waiting for the wife.jpg
waiting for the wife.jpg (50.62 KiB) Viewed 5851 times
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 28 May 2017, 8:05 am

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls had begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bent Arrow » 28 May 2017, 8:52 am

What's the difference between in-laws and out - laws?







Outlaws are wanted
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Re: Jokes

Post by Tiger650 » 28 May 2017, 10:32 am

A bloke begins to feel crook so visits his doctor who arranges for tests to be done, later he gets a call from the Doc who tells him to go to the hospital ASAP.
Bloke turns up at the hospital and is immediately given a private room, most impressed as he does not have health insurance !
Phone next to his bed rings it is the Doc who informs him that he has prescribed a Pizza diet, bloke likes pizza but is a little bemused and asks the Doc how pizza could help him recover ?
Doc says it will not but it is the only meal they can slide under the door !
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Re: Jokes

Post by Tiger650 » 28 May 2017, 10:34 am

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper ?

Sold his soul to Santa.
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Re: Jokes

Post by shapeshifter » 28 May 2017, 1:04 pm

Did you here about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

Stays up all night wondering if there actually is a Dog
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 28 May 2017, 4:04 pm

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls had begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Tiger650 » 28 May 2017, 7:55 pm

LOL, another fan of Brietbart, good to see.

A young Australian Engineer gets posted to a branch office in a godforsaken ****** country where they have a project.

Before he leaves Oz he is briefed as follows :

"Where you are going you can do drugs, protest against the government, hang s**t on their religion etc, but DO NOT GO NEAR THE LOCAL WHORES, there is a particularly nasty venereal disease endemic and if you catch it the only cure is to have your dick cut off".

Bloke flies into country and expat staff collect him from the airport, after introductions they tell him:

"You can do drugs, protest against the government, hang s**t on their religion etc, but DO NOT GO NEAR THE LOCAL WHORES, there is a particularly nasty venereal disease endemic and if you catch it the only cure is to have your dick cut off".

A month or so in country the young bloke gets pissed in a bar and a young floozie sits on his lap and next thing they are upstairs, a week or ten days later the young fella starts to very uncomfortably piss in two streams.

He rings the Oz Consulate and tells them he wants contact details for a good European Doctor "Not one of these local third world witch doctor types".

Bloke calls to see the Doctor to be told that he was warned and the only solution is to cut his dick off, young bloke cracks it, gives the Doc an earfull and again calls the Consulate, gives them an earfull also and demands referal to a "proper" european doctor.

Result of visit to second Doctor brings the same diagnosis, his dick has to come off !

Young bloke is shattered and walks out into the street despondent, he then spies an old wizened barefoot Chinese healer under an awning across the road, trots across and explains the situation and the old Chinaman looks at his dick, shakes his head and says.

"No need do operation, European Doctor always want to do operation, for money you see ?"

Young Bloke is rapt and pulls his wallet out and asks for whatever herbs and spices are necessary.

The old Chinaman gives him a puzzled look and says "No can fix".

Young bloke protests, "You just told me that I do not have to have my dick cut off and now you tell me no can fix, WTF !"

Old Chinaman says "No need operation, one week, two week, fall off by self".
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Re: Jokes

Post by Tiger650 » 28 May 2017, 8:31 pm

Battalion gets posted overseas, on Parade the Colonel speaks his piece re the threat etc the Medical Officer addresses them.

"You men are among the most intelligent and fittest our country has to offer, we intend that at the end of your tour you return home in good physical condition.

You must be aware that fully 50% of the female indigenous population are infected with tuberculosis and 50% with an intractable venereal disease, being highly trained and motivated Diggers you will know what I mean."

From the rear of the parade someone calls out "f*** the ones that cough !"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 29 May 2017, 6:20 pm

I'm thinking about getting out of the welding game altogether, and starting to build sky scrapers.

Wonder how I'll go getting my business name approved.
I was thinking something along the lines of "Huge Erections"
:lol:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 29 May 2017, 8:21 pm

When the local Brothel closed down, they put a sign on the door that read,,

"We're closed, beat it"
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 03 Jun 2017, 7:42 pm

What do you call a bloke that's only got a 1/2" penis ??

Answer; Justin :lol: ( just in )
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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