Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post by RoginaJack » 15 Jan 2020, 1:05 pm

Suzie, the 8 year old daughter was bored 'cause the duck season had now closed, so she went into the kitchen and asked her mum if she could take Vivian, the GSP for a walk around the block.
Mum replied." Sorry sweets but Vivian is in heat and I don't think it's a good idea."
Suzie asked " Whats that mean, "in heat", is she hot or something?"
Mum suggested to go and ask her dad, cause she was too busy cooking wild duck Italienne for dinner. So off she goes to find dad.
As it so happens, dad was in the garage cleaning his waders and stuff ready for packing it away 'till next season.
"Dad" says Suzie, " can I take Vivian for a walk? Mum said to ask you as Vivian is in heat or something."
Dad replied, "Sure Suzie but just a moment". So dad grabs Vivian and gives her backside a rub all over with a rag dipped in some petrol.
"There you go, Suzie, all good but keep her on the leash at all times and only once around the block, OK?"
It was a big country block, by the way. So off goes Suzie and Vivian, happy to get out of the house and into the fresh air and sunshine.
After awhile Suzie walks into the garage with leash in hand but no dog.
" What happened, where's Vivian"? asks dad
"Well" replied Susie, "All was going really well, Vivian was enjoying the walk, sniffing every tree and guide post like she always does and about 3/4 of the way around the block she starting acting weird, must have run out of petrol. But don't worry, that big black mongrel from down the road, you know the one that's always hanging around, is giving Vivian a push home. Vivian looks like she's really enjoying it too"!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 16 Jan 2020, 6:43 am

While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you; you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and we know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option."


The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."




The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid Amelican docttah, always want ampootate. Make more money dat way. No need ampootate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Faw off by itself!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 04 Feb 2020, 11:00 am

A man answers an advert in the paper, and applies for a job as a welder on a new gas pipeline being constructed with a pay rate of $15 to $40 per hour.

He is then asked to do two test welds that would be subject to the usual rigorous testing for such a job.
After presenting the plates for examination,, the head supervisor brought them back and laid them out in front of the man.

One of them was nothing but a pile of "sparrow sh!t" like weld metal,,,,,, and the other one was a perfect looking weld of high quality.
Shaking his head, the Supervisor asks "What the hell is going on here ?"

The man just smiled and replied,,,,, The 1st one is for your pay rate of $15 per hour,,,, and the 2nd one is for the $40 per hour rate.
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Re: Jokes

Post by ash_hendo » 04 Jul 2020, 9:50 pm

Denno wrote:So I heard last Friday in Melbourne was officially classed as a MILF day...

Over 40 and f*****g hot !!!

:lol: :lol: :lol:


Love it!!

Ladies: If you think the quickest way to a Man's heard is through his stomach, you're aiming way to low.......
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Re: Jokes

Post by eddievic » 05 Sep 2020, 8:50 am

Something light hearted for everyone. My addition to it. "Why did the Turkey cross the road....no one could find the chicken, Col Sanders might have gotten it"


Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
117, 22lr, 223, 243, 264, 308, 338, 416, 20g 12g

Soo many, but not enough
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Re: Jokes

Post by Col » 05 Sep 2020, 11:35 am

:sarcasm: Eddievic,

I love it. Maybe someone could come up with oneabout our borders. Deadly Dan would feature quite prominently posting.php?mode=reply&f=8&t=7414#
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 05 Sep 2020, 2:06 pm

A blokes at the cemetery having a chat to his mate. They see 4 pallbearers walking around with a coffin. Anyway 45 minutes later these four pallbearers with a cough and turn up again they're still walking around the cemetery. His mates says I think that they have lost the plot.
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Re: Jokes

Post by marksman » 06 Sep 2020, 6:21 pm

thinking its time to make light of the current situation so here's a couple that have been said to me :lol:

two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings, one of them says to the other, “mine are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.”

my husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.” turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge in melbourne

my mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in bed all day. but look at me now, ma! I’m saving the world!

after years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.

I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch them with a six-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

I’m not talking to myself, I’m having a parent-teacher conference.

:drinks:
“If you do not read the newspapers you are uninformed. If you do read the newspapers you are misinformed”. Mark Twain
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 06 Sep 2020, 6:35 pm

1597482780_7de8d3d2-c7fd-42a3-bc84-4c8be46c5c19.jpg
1597482780_7de8d3d2-c7fd-42a3-bc84-4c8be46c5c19.jpg (61.37 KiB) Viewed 5580 times


:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 06 Sep 2020, 10:42 pm

Protesting.png
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 06 Sep 2020, 10:43 pm

7AA7A54B-2B5A-457B-BC34-0B8C8A23A88E.jpeg
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 06 Sep 2020, 11:13 pm

1595805286_2020e.jpg
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 08 Sep 2020, 2:46 pm

FB_IMG_1599540147764.jpg
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Re: Jokes

Post by Skinna » 08 Sep 2020, 5:01 pm

Trouble is they dont stock what i want--being a pallet of holes for the next deck i build.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 08 Sep 2020, 5:47 pm

Skinna wrote:Trouble is they dont stock what i want--being a pallet of holes for the next deck i build.


:clap: :clap:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bugman » 08 Sep 2020, 5:57 pm

What did the Chinaman call his 15th child?......................................................................................................................................................Wong Pil
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Re: Jokes

Post by marksman » 08 Sep 2020, 9:26 pm

game of monopoly anyone :unknown:

Image
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Re: Jokes

Post by Skinna » 08 Sep 2020, 9:52 pm

:lol: that monopoly is a cracker.!!

That looks like the up market version you got there marksman--its the version with a shed..!
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Re: Jokes

Post by marksman » 08 Sep 2020, 10:23 pm

Skinna wrote::lol: that monopoly is a cracker.!!

That looks like the up market version you got there marksman--its the version with a shed..!


stage 3 lockdown Skinna :thumbsup:
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Re: Jokes

Post by TassieTiger » 09 Sep 2020, 5:23 pm

500kb makes this hard...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Skinna » 10 Sep 2020, 10:26 am

An oldie but a goodie...Think ive had this for over a decade & it still cracks me up...!!


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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 12 Sep 2020, 11:47 pm

Q. What is the difference between a Politician and a babies nappy.

A. They both need to be changed very regularly ...

Especially the dirty nappy of the Politician.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 24 Sep 2020, 6:05 pm

A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher.


I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, `If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the Church, would that get me into heaven ? ` NO !! the children answered.

`If I cleaned the Church every day, mowed the lawns, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven ? ` Again, the answer was `NO !! `

If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven ?? Again, they all answered `NO !! `

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, `Then how can I get into heaven ? `

A little boy shouted out: `YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN DEAD.

It`s a curious race, the Irish. Brings a tear to the eye, doesn`t it.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 24 Sep 2020, 6:10 pm

This is a very sad but true story of the depression that can haunt a man. My friend Irish Michael was so sick and tired of the world; of Covid, the Chinese aggression, of Global Warming, of BLM and the rest of the stories that our media deem important to broadcast.



Michael drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favourite radio station and started the car.



Two days later, a worried neighbour peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the police and ambulance and they broke in and pulled Michael from the car. A little sip of water and surprisingly he was in perfect condition but his Tesla had a flat battery.
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Re: Jokes

Post by eddievic » 24 Sep 2020, 6:58 pm

Lol
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 27 Sep 2020, 8:41 pm

If you have a good memory, lived on a farm or are used to camping you will know what I mean when you read todays Aussie Classic Poem.

Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,

He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,

We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,

A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,

The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,

The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.

There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without a trace,

Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,

No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,

When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,

'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,

'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'

'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,

And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,

So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,

They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,

And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,

So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,

I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,

But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,

Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,

The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.

And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--

Well, he always used to hold his breath Until he heard the splash!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 27 Sep 2020, 8:56 pm

I suppose this is fitting... it wasn't the long drop that killed him, but the sudden stop.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 28 Sep 2020, 8:14 pm

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 03 Oct 2020, 9:27 pm

Did you know that on the Canary Islands there are no canarys and its the same on the Virgin Islands,

.

.

.

.

.

.



there are no canarys there either !!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 11 Oct 2020, 9:44 pm

BEWARE OF OLD DOGS.

An old Rottweiler started chasing rabbits,, and soon became tired,,, and then realized he was lost.
Wandering along he suddenly saw a young lion (escaped from a circus) sneaking up behind him, intent on having an easy meal.

The old dog thought "Oh hell now I'm in trouble,,, what shall I do"
Quickly looking around he noticed some old bones nearby.
He immediately crouched down with his back to the lion, and started gnawing on a bone.

Just as the lion was about to pounce,, the old dog said loudly,,,,, "Wow, that lion tasted bloody good."

The lion heard this and in fear for his own life retreated into the bush and disappeared,, all the while thinking to himself "Sh!t,,, I was lucky then,, that old dog nearly had me for dinner."

A young Koala that was up a tree had witnessed all this and thought that it could catch up with the lion and tell him how the old dog had tricked him,,, and therefore get immunity from the lion in exchange for the information.

So he caught up with the lion and spilled the beans on the old dog.

So the lion said to the koala,,,,,, "Hop up on my back and you can watch what happens when I catch up with the old dog"

Shortly thereafter, the old dog sees them coming,, and immediately sits down with his back to the lion and koala, and pretends he hasn't seen them coming.

Just as the lion and koala get within hearing,,,, the old dog says loudly, "Where the hell has that koala got to ? ,,,,,, I sent it off nearly an hour ago to go and get me another lion. "

MORAL OF THE STORY

Don't mess with old dogs,,,,,,,,,, they didn't get to be old by being silly
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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