Jokes

General conversation and chit chat - The place for non-shooting specific topics. Introduce yourself here.

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 12 Oct 2017, 9:46 pm

This is for all the old codgers here. :thumbsup:

I had a problem with my computer yesterday.

So I called Eric, the 11-year-old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, So, what was wrong? He replied, It was an ID ten T error.

I didnt want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

An, ID ten T error? Whats that? In case I need to fix it again.

Eric grinned . Havent you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

No, I replied.

Write it down, he said, and I think youll figure it out. So I wrote down:

.......................

.......................

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little jerk.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 12 Oct 2017, 9:50 pm

Husband called his wife on the phone:

Honey Ive been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. Were leaving from office & Ill swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pajamas!

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but being a good wife she did exactly as her husband said.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but looking good

The wife welcomed him & asked if he caught much fish?

The husband said

Yes dear, we caught lots of salmon, bluegill and a few Swordfish. But, let me ask you something why didnt u pack my blue silk pajamas?

She says, I did, theyre in your fishing box.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 12 Oct 2017, 9:57 pm

Oldbloke wrote:This is for all the old codgers here. :thumbsup:

I had a problem with my computer yesterday.

So I called Eric, the 11-year-old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, So, what was wrong? He replied, It was an ID ten T error.

I didnt want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

An, ID ten T error? Whats that? In case I need to fix it again.

Eric grinned . Havent you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

No, I replied.

Write it down, he said, and I think youll figure it out. So I wrote down:

.......................

.......................

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little jerk.


Bahhhhahahah, Cheeky little bugger.... :lol:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

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Re: Jokes

Post by JonBarskio » 13 Oct 2017, 1:22 pm

What's the difference between an actress and a hooker?

That's not a very good defense, Mr. Weinstein.
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Re: Jokes

Post by JonBarskio » 13 Oct 2017, 1:27 pm

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seatbelt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."
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Re: Jokes

Post by JonBarskio » 13 Oct 2017, 1:28 pm

I only drink on days beginning with "T.."

Tuesday, Thursday, today, and tomorrow.
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Re: Jokes

Post by JonBarskio » 13 Oct 2017, 1:29 pm

What's the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Supaduke » 13 Oct 2017, 7:35 pm

At some point, everyone has gambled on a fart........ and lost.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 13 Oct 2017, 9:26 pm

BLOODY SEX DISCRIMINATION!

Shirts.jpg
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Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 13 Oct 2017, 9:45 pm

An old bloke goes to the doctor ''Doc I can't go to the toilet''
''OH'' said the doctor ''I'll give you something for that''
So he gives the old timer a bottle of pills ''Now when you've finished those come back and see me''
''OK'' said the old timer
After a month the old timer turns up at the doctors and the doctor asks ''How did you go with your little problem''?
The old bloke looked up and said ''No f@#ken good for all the good those tablets done me I may as well stuck them up my arse''
The doctor shook his head and said ''You stupid old bastard that's what you're supposed to do''
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 13 Oct 2017, 11:33 pm

Police officer pulls over a car full of old age women on the freeway.
They had been holding up traffic because they were only doing 30 kph
The driver says I'm sorry officer,,,, I'm only obeying the speed limit.

Police officer hesitates,,,,, then smiles and he said to the driver, OH, now I see the problem,,,, that is not the speed limit, you are on Highway 30

Then he looks at the passengers and they are all trembling and pale.

He says, Are you ladies all right,,, should I call an ambulance ?

One of the passengers replied,, It's ok now that you have explained officer,,,,, we only just got off Highway 208.
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 14 Oct 2017, 8:02 pm

WOF.JPG
WOF.JPG (53.39 KiB) Viewed 5388 times















I'll bet your first thought wasn't, Luck Be In The Air Tonight... :lol:




:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 14 Oct 2017, 8:56 pm

darwindingo wrote:
WOF.JPG
















I'll bet your first thought wasn't, Luck Be In The Air Tonight... :lol:




:drinks:


No - can't be "AIR" - there are already other "I"s there .....

What can it be?

ARM maybe ...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 20 Oct 2017, 3:20 pm

Larry went to visit his 86 year old grandfather in a very rural area. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, Larry’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon and eggs. Larry noticed a film like substance on his place, and questioned his grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal”.

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, Larry was concerned about the plates as it appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?”

Without looking up the old man said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you worry, I don’t want to hear another word about it”.

Later that afternoon, as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass. Larry yelled and said, “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car”.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, ‘COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YEH HERE ME!!!”
fideles usque ad mortem
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 21 Oct 2017, 10:20 pm

ASIO recruitment officer.

An ASIO officer is on annual leave and goes to America.
In his travels he ends up in a real back woods country town way down south.
He decided to take a stroll through the town and check out the sights.

Less than 5 minutes into his walk he notices a "bullseye" target that had been drawn on a shop window with texta pen,,,
complete with a perfect shot score bullet hole through the glass.

He wanders on a bit further,, and finds another target on the boot lid of a parked car,,,,,,, also with a perfect shot placement bullet hole.

Soon,,,,, he notices that nearly everywhere he went, he was seeing these targets with "perfect" bullet holes.

He stopped at a cafe for a meal, and asked the cafe owner, who was the expert marksman in the town.

Oh,,,,,,, said the cafe owner, that would be Alex,, the village idiot.

Well, said the officer, he is without doubt the best marksman I have ever come across,, where could I meet up with him???

Come back just before 5pm,, he is usually about in the late afternoons,,,,, and I'll introduce you.

So, that afternoon the officer gets introduced to the village idiot.

In awe,,,, the officer asks, "I have seen the targets everywhere,, and the perfect shot placements,,,,, how do you manage to do it ???"

The village idiot just smiled and said,,, "Its real easy actually, when I want to let off steam, I just load up and shoot till I run out of ammo."

But the targets are perfect everytime said the officer,,,, surely you miss sometimes ?

"Nah",,, said the idiot, "but you know,,,,,,,,, the really hard part is drawing the targets afterwards."
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 23 Oct 2017, 7:28 am

An old couple is sitting on their couch, and the woman turns to her husband.

If I died tomorrow, would you still want to get married again at your age?

The husband shrugs. Well, I wouldnt want to be lonely so yes.

The wife shoots him a dirty look. Would you live in our house with your new wife?

Well, the house has already been paid off so yes.

The wife starts getting angrier. Will she have everything of mine? Will she use my golf clubs?!

Oh, no, says the husband. Shes left-handed.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 23 Oct 2017, 7:37 am

OLD BLUE


We pensioned off old Blue the dog
when old age got him down
We sent him for company
to old Grandma in the town

But while Granny was elated
Blue still craved the great out doors
and he would roam the town exploring
while old granny did the chores

So it was this sunday morning
Blue was fossicking about
through the paddocks near the township
on his normal daily scout

When a canine gourmet odour
overpowered his sense of smell
though his eyesight had diminished
his old sniffer still worked well

and the sense of his excitement
was reposed down by the creek
where a sheep had met his maker
for the best part of a week

For its woolly corpse was spreading
and the air was far from fresh
from this rancid flyblown carcass
with its seething greenish flesh

It was a dogs idea of heaven
and old Blue, he rubbed and rolled
till he ponged just like the sheep did
and with ecstasy extolled

Then an idea formed within him
as he gave a gentle tug
and he found the carcass followed
like a matted lumpy rug

He would take it home for later
it should last a week or two
if he stored it in his kennel
he could keep his prize from view

So he gripped the carcass firmly
proudly into town he went
but his load proved fairly heavy
and old Blues energy soon spent

And the only shade on offer
was the building with the bell
and he dragged his prize towards
with its flies and feral smell

Then the dog and sheep both rested
in the front porch of the church
old Blue looked up the gangway
at the parson on his perch

He was revving up the faithful
to repent to save their worth
and said satan was the culprit
for all the rotten things on earth

And he roared of fire and brimstone
and redemption for the throng
up the aisle came satans presence
in this godforsaken pong

And they all cried Hallelujah
and they fell as one to pray
but by now old Blue was rested
and he hadnt time to stay

He proceeded up the roadway
with the woolly corpse in tow
with a shortcut through the nursing home
the quickest way to go

Where the matron, in a panic
counted heads in mortal fright
with a smell like that theyd surely lost
a patient through the night

And the members at the bowls club
lowered all their flags half mast
doffed their hats in silence
for the funeral going past

But old Blue lugged his prize on homewards
travelling past the bowling club
till he took a breather under
the verandah of the pub

There old boozing Bill was resting
sleeping off the night before
to wait the sunday session
when they opened up the door

When the stench awoke his slumber
which was highly on the nose
and he thought his pickled body
had begun to decompose

And he missed the sunday session
when he ran home to his wife
to proclaim the shock announcement
he was off the booze for life

Meanwhile Blue could see Grans gateway
at the far end of the street
so he started up the pavement
with his ripe and tasty treat

But there was movement in the backstreets
as the town dogs sniffed in deep
they broke chains and climbed high fences
for a piece of Blues dead sheep

And Blue felt the road vibrating
from the stamp of canine feet
as this pack of thirty mongrels
came advancing up the street

But he wasnt into sharing
so he sought a quick escape
and he spied a nearby building
with a door that stood agape

Through this door he sought asylum
but his presence caused a shriek
for hed chosen the local deli
that was run by Nick the greek

And Blue shot beneath a table
where the sheep and he could hide
but the dog pack was relentless
and they followed him inside

Now the table Blue had chosen
was a double booked mistake
with the law enforcement sergeant
sipping coffee on his break

And the sergeant sat bolt upright
with a dog between his feet
and his eyes began to water
from the dead decaying meat

Then the sarge leapt up in horror
but in his haste he slipped and fell
falling down amongst Blues mutton
with its all embracing smell

And he lay somewhat bewildered
in the gore, flat on his back
when the mongrel pack descended
in a frenzied dog attack

With first thought self- preservation
from the rows of teeth he faced
the sarge fumbled for his pistol
in its holster at his waist

There were muffled bangs and yelping
as random shots rang out
and the whine of bouncing bullets
off the brickwork all about

As he blasted in a panic
from beneath the blood and gore
a front window and the drink fridge
were both added to the score

And the cappuccino maker
copped a mortal wound and died
hissing steam, it levitated
falling frothing on its side

And Nick the greek, the owner
grabbed a shotgun in his fright
blasting into the confusion
of the frantic canine fight

At short range it wasnt pretty
dogs were plastered on the wall
there was laminex in splinters
clouds of dog hair covered all

Then the smoke detector whistled
with the gunsmoke in the air
which set off the sprinkler system
and a siren gave a blare

And the echoes still were ringing
when beneath the dying heap
there emerged old Blue, still dragging
at the remnants of his sheep

Its head was gone and several legs
but it hadnt lost its smell
in the armistice that followed
Blue decided not to dwell

He leapt the fence at Grandmas
for his feet had sprouted wings
pure adrenalin propelled him
fleeing dogs and guns and things

Now old Gran had influenza
and had lost her sense of smell
with Blues sheep in the garden
that was probably just as well

And she looked out from her front fence
at the town in disarray
at the ambulance, police cars
and the rspca as well

Then the fire brigade rushed past her
flashing lights of rosy hue
and she hugged the old dog tightly
hed protect her would old Blue

You just stay here like a good dog
Grandma told him with a frown
cause youve no idea the trouble
you can get into in town
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Re: Jokes

Post by MalleeFarmer » 23 Oct 2017, 10:55 am

darwindingo wrote:
The attachment WOF.JPG is no longer available



I'll bet your first thought wasn't, Luck Be In The Air Tonight... :lol:



:drinks:


Better Dingo? A :drinks: :thumbsup:
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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 23 Oct 2017, 2:26 pm

In a train from London to Manchester, an Aussie was having a chat with the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman looks over his glasses and replied,
"How very sporting of your mother!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 23 Oct 2017, 3:23 pm

So, it would seem I've woken a proper poet.

Good one OB :thumbsup:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Supaduke » 23 Oct 2017, 3:52 pm

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 23 Oct 2017, 8:46 pm

MalleeFarmer wrote:
darwindingo wrote:
WOF.JPG



I'll bet your first thought wasn't, Luck Be In The Air Tonight... :lol:



:drinks:


Better Dingo? A :drinks: :thumbsup:


Yep that's better :lol:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 23 Oct 2017, 8:57 pm

Did you know there is a difference between oral and rectal thermometers?
v
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One tastes better than the other.... ;)

:drinks:
Last edited by darwindingo on 23 Oct 2017, 9:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 23 Oct 2017, 9:02 pm

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool....



































So I gave him a glass of water.


:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 23 Oct 2017, 9:07 pm

A recent study has found that a woman who carry''s a little extra weight, will live longer than the men who mention it.

:drinks:
Last edited by darwindingo on 23 Oct 2017, 9:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
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Re: Jokes

Post by MalleeFarmer » 23 Oct 2017, 9:07 pm

darwindingo wrote:Did you know there is a difference between oral and rectal thermometers?
v
v
v
One tastes better than the other.... ;)

:drinks:



:oops: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 23 Oct 2017, 9:28 pm

I think I,ve started the perfect business, I'm selling homing pigeon's for $100 ea

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I only have one, but so far I have sold it over 20 times....

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 23 Oct 2017, 9:41 pm

My mate Steve was getting a divorce and at the court appearance to finalise it, the judge told Him "Steve, I'm giving your wife $400 per month maintenance."

Steve replied "Well that’s very kind of you your honor and every now and then, I'll even try to chip in a few bucks myself."….

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 24 Oct 2017, 3:00 am

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The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 01 Nov 2017, 11:42 pm

A cattle station owner had sent one of his employees into town to get supplies, and also some badly needed fencing wire.
All loaded up, the young employee headed out of town and back to the station.

The manager was carrying on with the job at hand, when his phone rang.
He answered,,,,,,,,, it was the young fella on his way back.

Hello said the manager,,,,,,,
Young fella says, "Hey boss,,, I just hit a pig,, what should I do ?"

Manager: Is the ute damaged ?

Young fella: Only a bent mudguard boss.

Manager: Well why are you ringing me,,, get on your way back to the station.

Young fella: Well,,,,,,,,,, its a bit of a problem cos the pig is stuck under the ute,,,,,, and he aint dead,,,,,,, he's snarling and I'm frightened of him.

Manager: Is the .308 in behind the seats ?

Young fella: Yes boss,,, it's there.

Manager: Well stop being stupid,,,,, get it out and shoot the bloody thing.

After a while the manager heard a shot, and then the young fella comes back on the phone.

Young fella: Alright boss,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I shot him,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, but what should I do with his motorbike ???
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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