Jokes

[Title_II]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I had some tree hugging commie come up to me a few weeks ago as I was having a smoke on a park bench. He says, "You know, there are kids around here, you shouldn't smoke. And that stuff is going to kill you. What is wrong with you?"

I say, "My great grandfather lived to the age of 99."

"And he smoked?"

"He minded his own fuggin business."

[Gwion]

How many shooters does it take to change a light bulb???

57
1 to change the light bulb and the rest to stand around arguing over what is the best type of light for the application, what wattage to use, LED or Fluro, which brand offer the best solutions...............

[Oldbloke]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."


"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you
what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi's."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his
wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Aldi.

[Oldbloke]

Dad n Dave took two stuffed dogs to an antiques road show,

Ooh said the presenter this is a rare set , produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated out of London at the turn of the last century.

Do you have any ideas what they would fetch if they were in good condition ?



Sticks ...... said Dave

[GLS_1956]

During the Second World War, a newly commissioned Second Lieutenant joined his army division in the North African desert. After a few weeks at the base he started having the urges that one would expect from a young and virile man might have. So the young officer went to his First Sergeant with this problem, at which time the First Sergeant told him. "Well Sir, when we get that need, we just make use of Mabel, who's out behind the motor pool."

The lieutenant hurried out to the back of the motor pool where he came to a small corral with a female camel in it and a sign that read "Mabel". Staring dumfounded the lieutenant shook his head in disgust and left, swearing he'd never resort to such an act. Well more weeks passed and the now the Second Lieutenant decided that if the rest of the troop made use of the camel so would he, so he went to the pen and using a handy step stool he climbed up behind the old camel and started to seek his release.

At this time the old First Sergeant came around the end of the motor pool building just to see the lieutenant as he was starting. The young man looked at the Sergeant and exclaimed. "Damn it Sarge! You said that you and the men used 'Mabel', when the need got too great."

"Yes Sir", replied the Sergeant, "but we usually just ride her the five mile into town where there is a whore house."

[darwindingo]

Fark me you mob crack me up...

Was told this one today....

A couple of blokes were on the piss together…

After a while, one asked the other "If I was to sneak over to your house and made love to your wife while you were at work and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" ???

Well, said the other…..

I don't think it would make us related, but it sure as hell would make us even mate….!!!

[Title_II]

Darwindingo has dominated this thread

And, for the record, I didn't see nothing but I might come home with a little mud on my boots.

[bladeracer]

Gettin older.....jpg

Looks like Barry, from Moss Pawn & Guns

[Oldbloke]

Fark me you mob crack me up...

Was told this one today....

A couple of blokes were on the piss together…

After a while, one asked the other "If I was to sneak over to your house and made love to your wife while you were at work and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" ???

Well, said the other…..

I don't think it would make us related, but it sure as hell would make us even mate….!!!

[Die Judicii]

The three greatest forms of communication are,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,














1) Telephone,
2) Television
3) Tellawoman

[darwindingo]

I'm thinking "Tellawoman" could be rather risky... (I'd suggest avoidance behavior would be the best course of action regarding such circumstances) As it sounds like a rather dangerous and risky means of communication to me.. Particularly if the "telling", accurately pertained to how much your guns really cost :

[sandgroperbill]

A masochist says to a sadist "hurt me". The sadist says no

[sandgroperbill]

I've already chosen what I want on my headstone.

I'm gonna live forever or die trying!

[sandgroperbill]

And the oscar for best movie goes to... la la land

[darwindingo]

I'm pretty sure I've just made the, la la land transition... so good night all....



Jeff

[Title_II]

I've never seen the Oscars but this reminds me that it must be weird and annoying watching American TV programming and getting our music on the radio. With all our idiots and strange accents. At least Canada has rules requiring a minimum amount of Canadian content in all media.

We need some sort of "reputation" or "like" system because some of the jokes in here are great

[tom604]

what gun doesn't kill?




a vegun


sorry just came off night shift

[Title_II]

Booo!!!

[darwindingo]

Management Lessons

Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.

A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

The following morning he was spotted by the farmer, who promptly shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bull$hit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson Number Three

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.

The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the a$$hole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the a$$hole being the Boss.

So the a$$hole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the a$$hole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.

Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any a$$hole will do.


Lesson Number Four

A little bird was flying south for the winter.

It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.

While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing with joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out.

Then he ate him!

Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops $hit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of $hit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep $hit, keep your mouth shut!

[Die Judicii]

Johnny was at school one day with a pocket full of rabbit dung.
At recess he started selling them to unsuspecting fellow students, telling them that they were brain enhancing super pills.

Along came Thomas (doubting Thomas),,,,, who reluctantly paid $2.00 for a pellet.

He popped it in his mouth, chewed, then spat it out and exclaimed "That tastes like sh!t"

See,,,,,,,,,,, your smarter already said Johnny.

[Supaduke]

What is princess Diana's favourite type of donut ?








She doesn't have one, she's dead.

[darwindingo]

I must admit that I am curious and all, but I fear to ask... Do tell !

[darwindingo]

In the mean time,

A bloke goes to the store to buy condoms. 'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks 'No', the bloke says, 'she's not that ugly'

[Oldbloke]

Gotta pay that one.

[darwindingo]

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes the others up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"

The guy on the left unbelievably says, he's had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle said "That's funny, I just dreamed I was skiing!"

[Die Judicii]

What do you call a very thirsty Dragonfly ??


A Flagondry of course.

[Title_II]

booo!

[darwindingo]

A police officer attempted to stop a car for speeding, but the bloke increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The bloke eventually realises he can't escape and pulls over.

The cop approached the car and said, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good enough excuse for your behavior, I'll cut you a break and just let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago and I was just worried that you could have been that officer, trying to bring her back!"

The cop said "you sir, are free to go".

[darwindingo]

A police officer pulls over a lady for speeding and approaches the car,

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up.

Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

A senior officer slowly approaches the woman's car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Senior Officer : Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Senior Officer : One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Senior Officer : Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Senior Officer : Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer that initially pulled her over is stunned.

Senior Officer : One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out her license and hands it to the senior officer.

The senior officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Senior Officer : Sorry ma'am, It's just that one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying ba$tard told you I was speeding too.

[darwindingo]

A secret government agency was trying to recruit an assassin for a top secret mission.

After all of the usual background checks, interviews and other testing had been completed.

There were three potential candidates: two men and a really good looking redhead woman.

For the final test, the government agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun and said "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter the circumstances or target, Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room, all was quiet for about five minutes.

Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn.

She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room, immediately shots rang out.

Then to their surprise the the agents heard blood curdling screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.

After a minute the door opened slowly and there stood the redhead woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "That gun was loaded with blanks you incompetent idiots, so I had to beat the Kent to death with the bloody chair."