Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post by JimTom » 21 Apr 2019, 6:15 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Nice one. :drinks:
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Re: Jokes

Post by TassieTiger » 22 Apr 2019, 2:37 am

What is green, has 6 legs and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you???











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Re: Jokes

Post by Chappo » 22 Apr 2019, 7:55 am

My wife lost her virginity a long time ago but she still has the box it came in.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 26 Dec 2019, 8:11 pm

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them:

At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five m...ale pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer,

"How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied. "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. Both farmers were worn out.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife,

"Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither." Yelled his wife. "They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 26 Dec 2019, 9:14 pm

lol...good one...

You found the old jokes thread then... :thumbsup: :clap:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 26 Dec 2019, 9:44 pm

So I heard last Friday in Melbourne was officially classed as a MILF day...





Over 40 and f*****g hot !!!

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Ferrisweil » 26 Dec 2019, 9:49 pm

This woman comes home from work one day and says to her husband.
“I’m moving to Europe. Apparently a prostitute can earn up to $400 a night!”
The husband starts packing his bags as well and the wife asks him what he’s doing??!!
He says, “I’m coming with. I wanna see how you make a living on $800 a year!!”
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 27 Dec 2019, 12:36 am

A farmers prize Boar pig had started to age, and wasn't doing what he used to do well.
The farmer called out the old local vet to help.
After looking at the boar, the vet handed over a bottle of pills, and told the farmer to give the pig one pill per day.

The next day, the old boar had a new lease on life and everything was fine.

However, a month later, the pills ran out.
So the farmer rings to ask the vet for some more,,,,, but he was told the vet was on holidays, so his replacement would come out.
When he arrived he said to the farmer,,,, I'm not sure what pills were prescribed, but can you describe them to me ?

The farmer said "Yep,, no problem,,,,,, they were a pinkish red in color,,,,,,, and really bitter.
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Re: Jokes

Post by CrackThump » 04 Jan 2020, 3:30 pm

2019 was the chinese year of the pig......

Does that mean 2020 will be year of the.... cricket. ??? :thumbsup:

geddit. ??? 20 20..... cos its like... a cricket match. ... :lol: :lol:


OH COME ON YOU GUYS... sheesh.. thats like, ALL I know about sports. :unknown:



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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 04 Jan 2020, 4:20 pm

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix..

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however, the policeman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,
"Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Focus you gave a speeding ticket to last week."

Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 08 Jan 2020, 9:47 am

You can't get more romantic than this!
Aussie cattle stockman and his wife had just got married and found a quiet hotel for their wedding night.
The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."
The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'
The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,
"Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 09 Jan 2020, 5:15 pm

Hey Old Bloke,,,,,,,,,,,,, That was farkin funee.

He didn't want the "bridal",,,,,,,,,, but I wonder if he had his spurs and rough riders rope ?? :unknown:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by RoginaJack » 15 Jan 2020, 1:05 pm

Suzie, the 8 year old daughter was bored 'cause the duck season had now closed, so she went into the kitchen and asked her mum if she could take Vivian, the GSP for a walk around the block.
Mum replied." Sorry sweets but Vivian is in heat and I don't think it's a good idea."
Suzie asked " Whats that mean, "in heat", is she hot or something?"
Mum suggested to go and ask her dad, cause she was too busy cooking wild duck Italienne for dinner. So off she goes to find dad.
As it so happens, dad was in the garage cleaning his waders and stuff ready for packing it away 'till next season.
"Dad" says Suzie, " can I take Vivian for a walk? Mum said to ask you as Vivian is in heat or something."
Dad replied, "Sure Suzie but just a moment". So dad grabs Vivian and gives her backside a rub all over with a rag dipped in some petrol.
"There you go, Suzie, all good but keep her on the leash at all times and only once around the block, OK?"
It was a big country block, by the way. So off goes Suzie and Vivian, happy to get out of the house and into the fresh air and sunshine.
After awhile Suzie walks into the garage with leash in hand but no dog.
" What happened, where's Vivian"? asks dad
"Well" replied Susie, "All was going really well, Vivian was enjoying the walk, sniffing every tree and guide post like she always does and about 3/4 of the way around the block she starting acting weird, must have run out of petrol. But don't worry, that big black mongrel from down the road, you know the one that's always hanging around, is giving Vivian a push home. Vivian looks like she's really enjoying it too"!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 16 Jan 2020, 6:43 am

While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you; you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and we know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option."


The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."




The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid Amelican docttah, always want ampootate. Make more money dat way. No need ampootate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Faw off by itself!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 04 Feb 2020, 11:00 am

A man answers an advert in the paper, and applies for a job as a welder on a new gas pipeline being constructed with a pay rate of $15 to $40 per hour.

He is then asked to do two test welds that would be subject to the usual rigorous testing for such a job.
After presenting the plates for examination,, the head supervisor brought them back and laid them out in front of the man.

One of them was nothing but a pile of "sparrow sh!t" like weld metal,,,,,, and the other one was a perfect looking weld of high quality.
Shaking his head, the Supervisor asks "What the hell is going on here ?"

The man just smiled and replied,,,,, The 1st one is for your pay rate of $15 per hour,,,, and the 2nd one is for the $40 per hour rate.
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by ash_hendo » 04 Jul 2020, 9:50 pm

Denno wrote:So I heard last Friday in Melbourne was officially classed as a MILF day...

Over 40 and f*****g hot !!!

:lol: :lol: :lol:


Love it!!

Ladies: If you think the quickest way to a Man's heard is through his stomach, you're aiming way to low.......
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Re: Jokes

Post by eddievic » 05 Sep 2020, 8:50 am

Something light hearted for everyone. My addition to it. "Why did the Turkey cross the road....no one could find the chicken, Col Sanders might have gotten it"


Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
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Re: Jokes

Post by Col » 05 Sep 2020, 11:35 am

:sarcasm: Eddievic,

I love it. Maybe someone could come up with oneabout our borders. Deadly Dan would feature quite prominently posting.php?mode=reply&f=8&t=7414#
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 05 Sep 2020, 2:06 pm

A blokes at the cemetery having a chat to his mate. They see 4 pallbearers walking around with a coffin. Anyway 45 minutes later these four pallbearers with a cough and turn up again they're still walking around the cemetery. His mates says I think that they have lost the plot.
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Re: Jokes

Post by marksman » 06 Sep 2020, 6:21 pm

thinking its time to make light of the current situation so here's a couple that have been said to me :lol:

two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings, one of them says to the other, “mine are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.”

my husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.” turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge in melbourne

my mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in bed all day. but look at me now, ma! I’m saving the world!

after years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.

I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch them with a six-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

I’m not talking to myself, I’m having a parent-teacher conference.

:drinks:
“If you do not read the newspapers you are uninformed. If you do read the newspapers you are misinformed”. Mark Twain
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 06 Sep 2020, 6:35 pm

1597482780_7de8d3d2-c7fd-42a3-bc84-4c8be46c5c19.jpg
1597482780_7de8d3d2-c7fd-42a3-bc84-4c8be46c5c19.jpg (61.37 KiB) Viewed 5582 times


:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 06 Sep 2020, 10:42 pm

Protesting.png
Protesting.png (251.71 KiB) Viewed 5565 times
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 06 Sep 2020, 10:43 pm

7AA7A54B-2B5A-457B-BC34-0B8C8A23A88E.jpeg
7AA7A54B-2B5A-457B-BC34-0B8C8A23A88E.jpeg (47.41 KiB) Viewed 5565 times
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 06 Sep 2020, 11:13 pm

1595805286_2020e.jpg
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 08 Sep 2020, 2:46 pm

FB_IMG_1599540147764.jpg
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Re: Jokes

Post by Skinna » 08 Sep 2020, 5:01 pm

Trouble is they dont stock what i want--being a pallet of holes for the next deck i build.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 08 Sep 2020, 5:47 pm

Skinna wrote:Trouble is they dont stock what i want--being a pallet of holes for the next deck i build.


:clap: :clap:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bugman » 08 Sep 2020, 5:57 pm

What did the Chinaman call his 15th child?......................................................................................................................................................Wong Pil
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Re: Jokes

Post by marksman » 08 Sep 2020, 9:26 pm

game of monopoly anyone :unknown:

Image
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Re: Jokes

Post by Skinna » 08 Sep 2020, 9:52 pm

:lol: that monopoly is a cracker.!!

That looks like the up market version you got there marksman--its the version with a shed..!
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