Jokes

[marksman]

:lol: that monopoly is a cracker.!!

That looks like the up market version you got there marksman--its the version with a shed..!

stage 3 lockdown Skinna

[TassieTiger]

500kb makes this hard...

[Skinna]

An oldie but a goodie...Think ive had this for over a decade & it still cracks me up...!!

Cat Found.jpg (97.23 KiB) Viewed 6762 times

[Oldbloke]

Q. What is the difference between a Politician and a babies nappy.

A. They both need to be changed very regularly ...

Especially the dirty nappy of the Politician.

[Oldbloke]

A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher.


I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, `If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the Church, would that get me into heaven ? ` NO !! the children answered.

`If I cleaned the Church every day, mowed the lawns, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven ? ` Again, the answer was `NO !! `

If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven ?? Again, they all answered `NO !! `

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, `Then how can I get into heaven ? `

A little boy shouted out: `YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN DEAD.

It`s a curious race, the Irish. Brings a tear to the eye, doesn`t it.

[Oldbloke]

This is a very sad but true story of the depression that can haunt a man. My friend Irish Michael was so sick and tired of the world; of Covid, the Chinese aggression, of Global Warming, of BLM and the rest of the stories that our media deem important to broadcast.



Michael drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favourite radio station and started the car.



Two days later, a worried neighbour peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the police and ambulance and they broke in and pulled Michael from the car. A little sip of water and surprisingly he was in perfect condition but his Tesla had a flat battery.

[eddievic]

Lol

[Oldbloke]

If you have a good memory, lived on a farm or are used to camping you will know what I mean when you read todays Aussie Classic Poem.

Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,

He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,

We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,

A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,

The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,

The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.

There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without a trace,

Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,

No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,

When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,

'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,

'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'

'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,

And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,

So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,

They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,

And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,

So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,

I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,

But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,

Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,

The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.

And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--

Well, he always used to hold his breath Until he heard the splash!!

[Member-Deleted]

I suppose this is fitting... it wasn't the long drop that killed him, but the sudden stop.

[Oldbloke]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

[Oldbloke]

Did you know that on the Canary Islands there are no canarys and its the same on the Virgin Islands,

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there are no canarys there either !!!

[Die Judicii]

BEWARE OF OLD DOGS.

An old Rottweiler started chasing rabbits,, and soon became tired,,, and then realized he was lost.
Wandering along he suddenly saw a young lion (escaped from a circus) sneaking up behind him, intent on having an easy meal.

The old dog thought "Oh hell now I'm in trouble,,, what shall I do"
Quickly looking around he noticed some old bones nearby.
He immediately crouched down with his back to the lion, and started gnawing on a bone.

Just as the lion was about to pounce,, the old dog said loudly,,,,, "Wow, that lion tasted bloody good."

The lion heard this and in fear for his own life retreated into the bush and disappeared,, all the while thinking to himself "Sh!t,,, I was lucky then,, that old dog nearly had me for dinner."

A young Koala that was up a tree had witnessed all this and thought that it could catch up with the lion and tell him how the old dog had tricked him,,, and therefore get immunity from the lion in exchange for the information.

So he caught up with the lion and spilled the beans on the old dog.

So the lion said to the koala,,,,,, "Hop up on my back and you can watch what happens when I catch up with the old dog"

Shortly thereafter, the old dog sees them coming,, and immediately sits down with his back to the lion and koala, and pretends he hasn't seen them coming.

Just as the lion and koala get within hearing,,,, the old dog says loudly, "Where the hell has that koala got to ? ,,,,,, I sent it off nearly an hour ago to go and get me another lion. "

MORAL OF THE STORY

Don't mess with old dogs,,,,,,,,,, they didn't get to be old by being silly

[Oldbloke]

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American Tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum & said "You Australian folk eat the whole piece of bread?".
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."
The American blew a huge bubble, "We don't.
In the States we only eat whats inside, the crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia".
The American had a smirk on his face.
The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted...
"D'Ya eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing, the Australian replied "Of Course".
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said,
"We don't. In the states, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and left overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia".
The Australian then asked "Do you have sex in the states?".
The American smiled and said "Why of course we do".
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked
"And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?
"We throw them away of course"
Now it was the Australians turn to smile....
"We don't, In Australia we put them in a container, recycle them , melt them down & turn them into chewing gum & sell them to the United States....
Why do you think its called Wrigleys?"

[eddievic]

Lol

[Die Judicii]

An old timer grazier was sitting in a bar in outback Queensland enjoying a quiet beer.
A tourist bus pulled up outside, and a big yank tourist gets out and comes into the bar, complete with the obligatory loud shirt and oversized camera.
He seats himself (uninvited) next to the grazier.
He asks, Are you a yocal local my man ?

The grazier nods, and sips his beer.

The yank asks, Are you a cattle man and ranch owner ?

The grazier nods and takes another sip.

The yank asks, Now how big is your ranch ???

The grazier replies, Just big enough to breed and fatten all my cattle.

The yank says, Well ya know sonny jim,, back in the states my ranch is that big that I can saddle up ma horse at dawn,,,,,,, and ride all day,,
and just reach the northern boundary by sun down.
And then do the same thing next day in the opposite direction and just reach the southern boundary by sundown.
Whaddaya think of that ??

The old grazier takes another sip of beer,, and takes a deep breath and says to the yank,,,,,,,,,,,,
Yep,,,,,,,,,,, I had a horse that was that slow once myself,,,,,,,, so I shot it.
Whaddaya think of that sonny jim ???

[Die Judicii]

A man was rushed to the local gunshop by ambulance yesterday.

,,,,,,,, His Tikka had stopped working.

[JimTom]

Definitely a dad joke that one. Pi55 funny nevertheless mate.

[Tiger650]

This came to mind and I must share, a little background is necessary so bear with me.

Approx 30 years back I was roped into being a civilian member of The School Council of Springvale Heights Primary School which Son Ken attended.

The School Principal Alan was a very good man but stern by demeanor.

One meeting was commenced with an offer by the Court to provide "community service" criminals to attend, over weekends, to the care and maintenance of school grounds, it was quickly and wisely decided that such was not desirable.

The major and ongoing issue to be discussed was the forced amalgamation of our Primary School and another nearby, the government polka dot lady [Joan Kirner] wished to sell the land occupied by either.

Principal Alan detailed progress of our defence and remarked that we had a significant advantage in that Springvale Heights buildings were of brick whereas the other facility was primarily of timber construction.

Alan's stern demeanor collapsed when I blurted out "Perhaps the court could send us an Arsonist ? "

[Grandadbushy]

A few years back we got a new bridge on the highway near the town where i live and one old farmer used to drive his cattle under the old bridge to get to his yards instead of crossing the highway but with the new one it's 1m lower than the old one so he complained to the council member ( jokingly of course) at the council meeting and the member said it wasn't any lower than the original one and at that old mate piped up and said ''Pigs arse ,you could ride a horse under the old one but you couldn't even ride a sheila under the new one'' the locals still talk about it today.

[Oldbloke]

A few years back we got a new bridge on the highway near the town where i live and one old farmer used to drive his cattle under the old bridge to get to his yards instead of crossing the highway but with the new one it's 1m lower than the old one so he complained to the council member ( jokingly of course) at the council meeting and the member said it wasn't any lower than the original one and at that old mate piped up and said ''Pigs arse ,you could ride a horse under the old one but you couldn't even ride a sheila under the new one'' the locals still talk about it today.

[Oldbloke]

SO THIS IS THE WAY IT HAPPENED.
THE CREATION OF AUSTRALIA

In the beginning…
God created day and night.

He created daytime for footy matches,
and for going to the beach.....
And BBQ's.....

He created night for going prawning, sleeping,
And BBQ's.

And God saw that it was good.

On the Second Day,
God created water....
for surfing, swimming,
And BBQ's - on the beach…

And God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day,
God created the Earth, to bring forth plants,
to provide malt and yeast for beer,
And wood for the BBQs…

And God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day,
God created animals and crustaceans,
for chops, sausages, and steak,
And prawns for the BBQs…

And God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth Day,
God created a Bloke
to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer,
And eat the meat and prawns at the BBQs…

And God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day,
God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone
to go to the footy with, surf, drink beer, eat and
Stand around the Barbie with.

So God created Mates,
and God saw that they were good Blokes…

And God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day
God looked around at the twinkling Barbie fires, heard the hiss
of opening beer cans, and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes.
He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns ……

And God Saw that it was all good...

Well..... Almost all good.....

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook,
And, to clean the Barbie…

And then God saw that it was not just good ….......
It was better than that …….
It was Bloody Awesome…!!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!

[Die Judicii]

So OLD BLOKE,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, on which bloody day did God create the BCF stores,,,,, so us blokes could get a flaming BBQ to start the whole process ??

Seems like you missed that teeny weeny but VERY significant point.

[Oldbloke]

So OLD BLOKE,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, on which bloody day did God create the BCF stores,,,,, so us blokes could get a flaming BBQ to start the whole process ??

Seems like you missed that teeny weeny but VERY significant point.

And Big Green Shed. Lol

[JimTom]

I went to the zoo the other day. Much to my surprise they only had one animal, it was a dog.
I soon come to the conclusion it was a Sh1tszu.

[eddievic]

What do you get when you cross a ****** will a bulldog Bullsh1t

And while there, what do you become when you clean a vaccum cleaner. Vaccum cleaner...cleaner

[Oldbloke]

Trump announced he had won the election. But only about half the votes had been counted.

[Skinna]

The "most powerful" country in the civilised world actually put "Joe Biden" up as a candidate to vote for their leader...



Classic...!!...but there's an even funnier one coming...!!...True...!!

[eddievic]

https://youtu.be/4v8ZhN-djhI

Love this guy... very funny

[TassieTiger]

If you don’t get a laugh from this - check your pulse...reckon most have already seen it but anyway...
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NMB6W2jK6a0

[Oldbloke]

Choices....

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.

As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. Gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. Finally, she tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the biggest tits.