Jokes

General conversation and chit chat - The place for non-shooting specific topics. Introduce yourself here.

Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 01 Jan 2018, 4:19 pm

Bent Arrow wrote:
FB_IMG_1514784679145.jpg


:lol: :lol: :lol: :drinks:
This hard living ain't as easy as it used to be!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gwion » 01 Jan 2018, 5:47 pm

^^^
Hahahahahaaha....
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Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 01 Jan 2018, 10:07 pm

Duck revenge...Thats pretty funny...!
The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 03 Jan 2018, 8:12 pm

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats."But, none of them comes up to the man touch his penis and say, "Good job."Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:1. Money cannot buy happiness but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the *******'s name.3. If you help someone when they're in trouble they will remember you when they're in trouble again.4. Alcohol does not solve any problems but then, neither does milk.AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE...5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BONUS RULE:Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 03 Jan 2018, 8:18 pm

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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 08 Jan 2018, 1:28 pm

My holiday
---------------

Just got back from a holiday in Thailand,
and came that close to shagging a ladyboy.

Looked like a woman, spoke like a woman,
walked like a woman and kissed like a woman.

It was only when she was driving me back to her place
and reverse parked into a narrow parking space with no problem, I thought .........

Just a f*cking minute ...
--
It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny
day that you realise how often they burst into flames.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 08 Jan 2018, 9:03 pm

:Lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by sungazer » 08 Jan 2018, 9:45 pm

I thought you were recounting a true life experience there. Being in the jokes section I wondered where it would get to a joke or funny.
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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 09 Jan 2018, 9:15 pm

sungazer wrote:I thought you were recounting a true life experience there. Being in the jokes section I wondered where it would get to a joke or funny.


:lol: :drinks:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 09 Jan 2018, 9:40 pm

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldnt swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, Do you need help, sir?

The preacher calmly said No, God will save me.

A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, Hey, do you need help?

The preacher replied again, No God will save me.

Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, Why didnt you save me?

God replied, Fool, I sent you two boats!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 09 Jan 2018, 9:42 pm

Condoms don`t guarantee safe sex anymore.

A bloke was wearing one when he was shot by the woman`s husband.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 09 Jan 2018, 9:45 pm

Sven and Ollie live in the same apartment building in identical flats. Sven visits Ollie and sees that he just painted his flat and it looks great.
He says, Ollie, this looks amazing. How many cans of paint did you buy? Ollie says he bought seven. ..
The next day Sven drives to the store, buys seven cans of paint and starts painting his flat.
After a few hours he finishes the whole thing but he realizes that he used only three cans of paint. He calls Ollie:
Hey man I...ve just finished painting the whole place, but Ive used only 3 cans of paint and I have 4 left!


Ollie: Yeah, me too.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 09 Jan 2018, 9:58 pm

Senior Member

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Date: 04:08 PM Jan 1, 2018
Sex with Ghosts
Permalink Reply Quote

A professor at Wayne State University in Detriot was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many peole here belive in ghosts?"

About 90 stidents raise their hands.

"Well, that`s a good start. Out of those who beleve in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands."



"Thats really good. I`m really glad you take this seriously. Has any one here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hands.

"Has any one here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"Thats fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further, Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back of the room, Hamad raises his hand.

The Professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all these years I`ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You`v got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin,and began to make his up to the podium. When he reaches the front of the room, the professor asks, " So, Hamad, tell us what it is like to have sex with a ghost?"

Hamad replied, "s**t", from way back their I thought you said Goats."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 09 Jan 2018, 10:01 pm

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The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 09 Jan 2018, 10:05 pm

Honey, Im so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often, the wife said. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?

Well, said the husband, looking up from his newspaper, I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.

And that helps? she asked, surprised.

Yes, he said. Because Im using your toothbrush.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 09 Jan 2018, 10:13 pm

Bob called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner.

"Hello?" said the maid.

"Hi, it's me," said Bob. "Is madam near the phone?"

...
"No, Sir. She's upstairs in the bedroom with your friend Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob said, "But I don't have a friend named Frank!"

"Yes you do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Madame!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Madame and Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Sir!"

A few minutes later, the maid came back to the phone.

"Well, I did what you said, Sir."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Madam jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh my God! What about Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he's dead too."

There was a long pause, then Bob said, "

Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 12 Jan 2018, 6:50 pm

Train your wife.jpg
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 25 Jan 2018, 8:10 pm

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip had been a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail; until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine ... I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 25 Jan 2018, 8:11 pm

A man and a woman were on their way to get married when they were involved in a car accident.

The couple stood outside Heavens gate, waiting on Saint Peter to do the paperwork so they could enter.

Do you think we can still get married in heaven? the man said to Saint Peter.

He looked puzzled. You know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Ill see what we can do.

For months, the couple wandered around Heaven, waiting for a response to their question

Finally, an exhausted-looking Saint Peter found them again. Yes, he said. You can get married in Heaven.

And what if things dont work out? the woman asked. Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?

Are you kidding me? Saint Peter groaned. It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long its going to take me to find a lawyer?
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 25 Jan 2018, 8:13 pm

A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?

The livestock dealer said, Why dont you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand? Hey, thanks! the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?

The farmer said, Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Lets take my short cut and go down this alley. Well be there in no time.

The little old lady said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you wont hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?

The farmer said, Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?

She replied, Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and Ill hold the chickens.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
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Re: Jokes

Post by COLLECTOR 1 » 25 Jan 2018, 10:25 pm

Hahahhahahhahahahah.....classic
More Brno's than you can poke a stick at..!!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by COLLECTOR 1 » 25 Jan 2018, 10:26 pm

An art that unfortunately is being lost.... the ability to just tell a joke

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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 26 Jan 2018, 5:51 am

Bloody brilliant OB!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :drinks:
This hard living ain't as easy as it used to be!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 26 Jan 2018, 10:23 am

I just bought two live chickens And goose to take home. :thumbsup:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 26 Jan 2018, 2:31 pm

Dicks

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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 26 Jan 2018, 2:40 pm

AN OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND ****ED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 26 Jan 2018, 3:25 pm

Big Bad Don

We don't usually post links to internet but I thought it was quite funny.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALGkQq3RJ7k
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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 29 Jan 2018, 9:14 pm

...Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy (let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen.
--
It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny
day that you realise how often they burst into flames.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 30 Jan 2018, 7:18 am

Not bad BB. :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 30 Jan 2018, 2:29 pm

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, ‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.’ The Irishman replies, ‘Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.

‘The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ‘I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.’

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. ‘Oh, no, ‘ he says, ‘Everyone is fine. I’ve just quit drinking!
--
It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny
day that you realise how often they burst into flames.
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