Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 05 Mar 2017, 11:21 pm

And to think, I threw the red head assassin one in with you in mind mate as I knew you liked the read head babes :D :drinks:

Perhaps you will like this one then, I even worked your handle into it (hope you don't mind mate ).... :friends:

Title_II comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. I can earn $500 for a blow J*B there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." Title_II thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you Title_II says, "Because I really want to see how you survive on $1000 a year!!!" :lol: :drinks:

Def..... no offense intended !! Just trying to give ya a good laugh mate!!! ;) hope you like it..

:thumbsup: :drinks: :drinks: :drinks: :drinks: :drinks:

Jeff
Last edited by darwindingo on 06 Mar 2017, 8:48 am, edited 2 times in total.
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Title_II » 06 Mar 2017, 3:54 am

I do better than some guys I know, it can be sad out there! :D
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Re: Jokes

Post by coroboreeboy » 06 Mar 2017, 6:55 am

A young archaeologist recently qualifies and gets his first job on a "dig" in the desert. He is being shown around by an older, experienced hand, when he asks what they do for entertainment out here in the desert.
"Well" says the old guy, " On Friday night, a truck full of beer comes out from the city and we all get rolling drunk"
"I wouldn't like that" says the young man.
"Well then there's Saturday night" says the older man, "A bus comes out from the city full of women, and we have a big orgy"
"I wouldn't like that" says the young man.
"Hey, you're not gay are you" the old guy says.
"Certainly not!" he replies.
"Oh, well you won't like Sunday night either"
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 06 Mar 2017, 8:33 am

:lol:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 06 Mar 2017, 10:30 am

The same young archaeologist that Coroboreeboy was talking about continued to work on that "dig",,,,
but soon became annoyed at the old codger,,,,,,
because whatever the young bloke found in the dig, and labelled, the old codger would re label it and correct him.

If he found an arrow head, the young bloke would label it as coming from the stone age period, but the old codger would change it.
No matter what the young bloke thought, the old codger would always have a differing opinion.

Finally the young bloke was so annoyed that he vowed he would win out over the old codger.
The very next morning, the young bloke entered the old codgers tent, and dropped a used tampax pad on the table.

OK,,,,,,,,,,,,,, could you tell me what period that came from, the young bloke asked ?
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Supaduke » 06 Mar 2017, 1:01 pm

Old Roy and Ethel were sitting around the dining table , bills laid out in front of them, discussing their current financial situation.

"The pension is not enough Ethel" said Roy, "I'm too old to work, you're going to have to turn tricks and earn us some extra cash"

"Ok" says Ethel, and so that night she heads to the local red light district and begins work as a prostitute.

5am the next morning she staggers in the door looking exhausted and slaps down $50.50c

"50c?" Says Roy, "Who the hell gave you 50c?

Ethel looks bewildered .......
"Everyone!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 23 Mar 2017, 6:40 pm

:lol:

Two mates camping in the mountains had spent four weeks together and they were getting a little testy.

One morning Neil said,

"You know we're starting to get on each other's nerves, so why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight we'll meet back up to have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

Bob agrees and hikes south.

That night over dinner Neil tells his story,

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley and I followed a stream until I found a crystal clear mountain lake. I went for a swim and then I sat down on a log to dry out and have lunch. Whilst eating lunch I watched several deer come and drink from the lake. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and wedge tail eagles floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

Bob said,

"I headed south and eventually ran across a set of railroad tracks so I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and then we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. When I was so tired I could barely move, I headed back to camp."

"Wow!!" Neil exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," said Bob eating his meal, "I couldn't find her head." :wtf: :problem: :lol:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 23 Mar 2017, 6:46 pm

darwindingo wrote: Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," said Bob eating his meal, "I couldn't find her head." :wtf: :problem: :lol:

:drinks:


:lol: :lol: :lol:
There's something wrong with you Dingo,,,,,,,,,,, But I like it. :thumbsup:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 23 Mar 2017, 8:32 pm

There is plenty wrong with this Dingo mate, Fleas, Ticks, a little issue with mange, along with an odd sense of humor and drinking way more piss than a Dingo probably should to say the least... :lol:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gamerancher » 24 Mar 2017, 11:03 am

You must be a "mangy part-bred" Darwin, pure dingos have a natural resistance to fleas. :allegedly: :drinks:
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 24 Mar 2017, 11:50 am

Gamerancher wrote:You must be a "mangy part-bred" Darwin, pure dingos have a natural resistance to fleas. :allegedly: :drinks:


:lol: :drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 24 Mar 2017, 6:17 pm

Q: Why did the blonde wake up with a sore belly button?

A:She has a blonde boyfriend. ...
This hard living ain't as easy as it used to be!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 24 Mar 2017, 9:30 pm

Perhaps he took her out to dinner and thought that was how to get the food in to her ? he was blonde after all :lol: ;) :P
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 24 Mar 2017, 9:32 pm

I once hit up a blonde for some action, she said “I’m willing if you can assure me that you can last longer than my last lover” ...

I said “Well, I can honestly say that I once spent 9 months inside a woman if that helps you decide ?…”

:lol: :drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 24 Mar 2017, 10:59 pm

Q:how does you make a woman orgasm

A:who cares!!
This hard living ain't as easy as it used to be!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 24 Mar 2017, 11:11 pm

Love ya work darwindingo took me about half an hour to stop laughing at Yale railway joke. . :drinks: :drinks:
This hard living ain't as easy as it used to be!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 25 Mar 2017, 8:15 pm

Glad it gave you a laugh mate... mostly, I'm just repeating what I've been sent, seen or told. ;) :drinks:

A bloke I worked with years ago would constantly tell me jokes for the entire 12 hour shifts we worked (all from memory), day in day out without fail for years... How I ever got any bloody work done is beyond me, he was a real blast.. :lol:

Here is another one...


A mates wife was hinting to him about what she wanted for their upcoming anniversary.

She said “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.”

So he bought her a scale. :lol:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 25 Mar 2017, 8:32 pm

Bill and Jim were having a few beers and Jim asked Bill so you have been married for two years now, how's that all going for you mate ?

Bill said “Hey Jim I must confess that I haven’t spoken to my wife in over 18 months.”

Jim was a little shocked and asked “Why not ?”

Bill said, “Well, its just that she doesn't like it when I interrupt her.” ;) :lol:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 25 Mar 2017, 8:36 pm

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.99 and deer nuts are just under a buck.

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 25 Mar 2017, 9:05 pm

In Pharmacology, all drugs have at least two names, a trade name and generic name.

For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of Paracetamol, Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it was recently announced that they had settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

They also considered, Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. :lol: :lol: :lol:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 25 Mar 2017, 9:11 pm

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift..

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" :lol: :lol:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 25 Mar 2017, 9:33 pm

10 year old Bobby was alone in the farmhouse as his parents had gone into town.

Suddenly there was a knock at the front door, he opened it to find their neighbor, Mr. Dicks, with a worried look on his face.

"Hi, Bobby, Is your daddy home? I really need to talk to him."

"No, Mr. Dicks. He and mum both went into town. If you tell me what you need, maybe I can help you. I know where everything is and I can even drive the tractor on my own now."

Mr. Dicks shuffled his feet nervously and then said "Well, it's about your older brother, Robert getting my daughter Afeelia pregnant."

Bobby thought for a moment and then replied "Sorry, Mr. Dicks I cant help with that one, you will really need to talk to dad about that one. I know he charges $500 for the Bull and $50 for the Boar, but I really don't know how much he would charge for Robert." :lol: :lol: :lol:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 26 Mar 2017, 12:58 am

darwindingo wrote:In Pharmacology, all drugs have at least two names, a trade name and generic name.

For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of Paracetamol, Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it was recently announced that they had settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

They also considered, Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. :lol: :lol: :lol:

:drinks:


Hey there Dingo,,,, you really need to keep up with new drugs coming on to the market, and I think you missed this one.
There is a new wonder drug now available that is ten times better than Viagra.

The only known side effect is that if you don't swallow it fast enough,,,,,,,, you get a stiff neck. :shock:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 26 Mar 2017, 11:50 am

Some of the above mentioned seem to be picking on Blondes,,,,,,
So here we go.

What is the difference between a Blonde and a Washing Machine ?

A Washing Machine won't follow you around for weeks,, after putting a load into it. :wtf:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 26 Mar 2017, 1:38 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 26 Mar 2017, 9:47 pm

A bloke and his wife were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

The husband asked her , “Do you know him?”

”Yes” she sighed, “ He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up 20 years ago and I hear he hasn't been sober since.”

”My God!" Said the husband, “who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?” :lol:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 28 Mar 2017, 4:06 pm

What have Termites, Cyclones, Bushfires and Women got in common ?




,,,,,,,,,,,, Sooner or later one of em will get your house. :shock: :o

:lol:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 28 Mar 2017, 4:47 pm

... and then there's the story of the new cocky who takes over a very remote station in the outback.

He's been there about 2 months and hasn't seen hide nor hair of anyone, when suddenly one day he sees a dilapidated ute heading along the road, trailing red dust and it turns into his driveway.

It stops and the driver, who is about 7ft 4 and wearing a dirty old singlet and disreputable Akubra, old work boots worn through so the steel toecaps are showing - introduces himself as Bruce and says he's the nearest neighbour - he lives 200kms East and invites the guy to a party the coming Saturday.

The guy accepts, of course, and Bruce is about to step back into the ute, when he remembers to warn the our hero "Look, mate, at our parties out here, we ocassionally lose it a bit and there can be a bit of the old fisticuffs" - our hero says, not a problem, he can handle himself.

"Okay", says Bruce "Y'know, sometimes at these parties the guys let off steam by drinking too much, there might well be overindulgence at the party" - our hero allows that he has been known to have a pint or two.

"Okay", says Bruce "one last thing - sometimes inhibitions get cast aside and there is wild rooting all over - in the kitchen, the sheep shed, the bedroom, you name it". Our hero allows that this won't put him off, but to make a good impression, what should he wear?

"Doesn't matter, mate - it's just gonna be you and me there".
--
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day that you realise how often they burst into flames.
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Re: Jokes

Post by tom604 » 28 Mar 2017, 6:59 pm

the local priest knocks on the door and little jimmy answers the door with a fag hanging out of his mouth, a tumbler of whiskey in one hand and a playboy mag in the other. the priest ask's little jimmy, "are your parents home?" jimmy replies, what do you think!

jimmy walks in on the local priest rubbing one out ,what are you doing father ? im masterbating my son ,you will be doing this soon,
is that because im becoming a man father?
no its because my wrist is killing me
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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 29 Mar 2017, 9:01 pm

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly sees them and hides in the bedroom closet.

Then the woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, ‘Yes it is.'

Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - ‘No thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - ‘OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

A few weeks later it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together..

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - ‘Yes it is.'

Boy - 'I have a sand wedge.

The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later the boy-s father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball
let's go outside and have some short game practice.

The boy says 'I can’t - I sold my ball and sand wedge Dad.'

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - ‘$1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church and making you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that s**t! You're in my closet now.'
--
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day that you realise how often they burst into flames.
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