Jokes

[darwindingo]

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.99 and deer nuts are just under a buck.

[darwindingo]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have at least two names, a trade name and generic name.

For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of Paracetamol, Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it was recently announced that they had settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

They also considered, Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

[darwindingo]

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift..

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

[darwindingo]

10 year old Bobby was alone in the farmhouse as his parents had gone into town.

Suddenly there was a knock at the front door, he opened it to find their neighbor, Mr. Dicks, with a worried look on his face.

"Hi, Bobby, Is your daddy home? I really need to talk to him."

"No, Mr. Dicks. He and mum both went into town. If you tell me what you need, maybe I can help you. I know where everything is and I can even drive the tractor on my own now."

Mr. Dicks shuffled his feet nervously and then said "Well, it's about your older brother, Robert getting my daughter Afeelia pregnant."

Bobby thought for a moment and then replied "Sorry, Mr. Dicks I cant help with that one, you will really need to talk to dad about that one. I know he charges $500 for the Bull and $50 for the Boar, but I really don't know how much he would charge for Robert."

[Die Judicii]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have at least two names, a trade name and generic name.

For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of Paracetamol, Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it was recently announced that they had settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

They also considered, Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Hey there Dingo,,,, you really need to keep up with new drugs coming on to the market, and I think you missed this one.
There is a new wonder drug now available that is ten times better than Viagra.

The only known side effect is that if you don't swallow it fast enough,,,,,,,, you get a stiff neck.

[Die Judicii]

Some of the above mentioned seem to be picking on Blondes,,,,,,
So here we go.

What is the difference between a Blonde and a Washing Machine ?

A Washing Machine won't follow you around for weeks,, after putting a load into it.

[darwindingo]

[darwindingo]

A bloke and his wife were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

The husband asked her , “Do you know him?”

”Yes” she sighed, “ He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up 20 years ago and I hear he hasn't been sober since.”

”My God!" Said the husband, “who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

[Die Judicii]

What have Termites, Cyclones, Bushfires and Women got in common ?




,,,,,,,,,,,, Sooner or later one of em will get your house.

[BRNO_Bigot]

... and then there's the story of the new cocky who takes over a very remote station in the outback.

He's been there about 2 months and hasn't seen hide nor hair of anyone, when suddenly one day he sees a dilapidated ute heading along the road, trailing red dust and it turns into his driveway.

It stops and the driver, who is about 7ft 4 and wearing a dirty old singlet and disreputable Akubra, old work boots worn through so the steel toecaps are showing - introduces himself as Bruce and says he's the nearest neighbour - he lives 200kms East and invites the guy to a party the coming Saturday.

The guy accepts, of course, and Bruce is about to step back into the ute, when he remembers to warn the our hero "Look, mate, at our parties out here, we ocassionally lose it a bit and there can be a bit of the old fisticuffs" - our hero says, not a problem, he can handle himself.

"Okay", says Bruce "Y'know, sometimes at these parties the guys let off steam by drinking too much, there might well be overindulgence at the party" - our hero allows that he has been known to have a pint or two.

"Okay", says Bruce "one last thing - sometimes inhibitions get cast aside and there is wild rooting all over - in the kitchen, the sheep shed, the bedroom, you name it". Our hero allows that this won't put him off, but to make a good impression, what should he wear?

"Doesn't matter, mate - it's just gonna be you and me there".

[tom604]

the local priest knocks on the door and little jimmy answers the door with a fag hanging out of his mouth, a tumbler of whiskey in one hand and a playboy mag in the other. the priest ask's little jimmy, "are your parents home?" jimmy replies, what do you think!

jimmy walks in on the local priest rubbing one out ,what are you doing father ? im masterbating my son ,you will be doing this soon,
is that because im becoming a man father?
no its because my wrist is killing me

[BRNO_Bigot]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly sees them and hides in the bedroom closet.

Then the woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, ‘Yes it is.'

Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - ‘No thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - ‘OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

A few weeks later it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together..

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - ‘Yes it is.'

Boy - 'I have a sand wedge.

The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later the boy-s father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball
let's go outside and have some short game practice.

The boy says 'I can’t - I sold my ball and sand wedge Dad.'

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - ‘$1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church and making you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that s**t! You're in my closet now.'

[darwindingo]

[Oldbloke]

Keep them coming gents. DD is a real winner, great jokes.

[darwindingo]

I reckon you'll like this one OB....

The ATO decided to audit an old bloke and summons him to the ATO office.

The ATO auditor was not surprised when he showed up with his lawyer.

The auditor said “Well sir, It has been reported that you live an extravagant lifestyle and it is also noted that you are on the pension. You explain it by saying that you win lots of money gambling, we here at the ATO find that very unlikely and rather hard to believe ! .”

"But Its the truth, I'm a great gambler and I can prove it" said the old bloke “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and said “Okay, go ahead prove it if you can and in the event that you can completely convince me we will never bother you again.”

The old bloke said “I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and said “It's a bet.”

The old bloke removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

The old bloke then said “Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

Now the auditor can tell the old bloke isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

The old bloke removes his dentures and uses them to bite his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realises he has wagered and lost three grand, with the old blokes lawyer as a witness and starts to get nervous.

”Want to go double or nothing?” the old bloke asks ? “I'll bet you that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that bin on the other side of the desk and not get a single drop on your desk in the process.”

The auditor, twice burned, is really cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that, so he agrees again.

So the old bloke stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but it quickly becomes apparent that he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side at all and urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The ATO auditor leaps up with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

Suddenly the old bloke’s lawyer lets out a loud sigh and puts his head in his hands.

”Are you okay?” the ATO auditor asks.

”Not really” said the lawyer “This morning, when this old prick told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me fifty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!”



Jeff

[darwindingo]

A young bloke from Tasmania married an 18 year old girl and they went on their honeymoon.

He came back alone a few days later and sat down to dinner, not saying a word.

His dad asked him, “Where's ya wife son ?”

The son said “It turned out she was a virgin dad, so I divorced her.”

The proud father stands up, shakes his sons hand and said “You gone and done did real good son !, If she ain't good enough for her family, she ain't good enough for ours either !”



No offense intended

[Oldbloke]

A young bloke from Tasmania married an 18 year old girl and they went on their honeymoon.

He came back alone a few days later and sat down to dinner, not saying a word.

His dad asked him, “Where's ya wife son ?”

The son said “It turned out she was a virgin dad, so I divorced her.”

The proud father stands up, shakes his sons hand and said “You gone and done did real good son !, If she ain't good enough for her family, she ain't good enough for ours either !”



No offense intended

Not bad at all.

[darwindingo]

A bloke walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

”I'll make you all deal, I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. The croc will close his mouth for one minute and then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my old fella unscathed. In return for witnessing this amazing spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his old fella in the crocodile's open mouth, the croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head and the croc opened it’s mouth and the man removed his old fella unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

After he finished his first beer the man stood up again and made another offer. “I'll give anyone who's willing to give it a try $100.”

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back corner of the bar and a little blonde woman timidly spoke up…

”I'll give it a try,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!”

[darwindingo]

Michelle and her husband Frank went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Michelle went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on and on, neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a considerable length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and asked Michelle to stand up, he embraced her, kissing and fondling her passionately as her husband Frank watched with a raised eyebrow!

After a few minutes the therapist stepped away.

The therapist then turned to Frank and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week to keep her happy.. Can you do this for her?"

Frank thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I guess if it will get her off my back, I can drop her off here on Monday's and Wednesday's, but on Friday's I go hunting with the boys. Do you make house calls by any chance?"

[darwindingo]

Ok, here is another one ......

A bloke and his wife walked into the dentist's office.

The bloke said to the dentist “I'm in one hell of a big hurry mate! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for me to go deer hunting, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the darn tooth and be done with it… I don't have time to waste for any bloody anesthetic to work!.”

The dentist thought to himself, my god this bloke is sure one very brave and tough man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain.

The dentist said "OK then mate that's fine with me" and asked him “ So which tooth is it, sir?”

The bloke turned to his wife and said ”Open your darn mouth honey and show him which bloody tooth it is.”

[darwindingo]

Here is 15 reasons why I believe having dog is better than having a wife.!!!!!

1. The later home you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.

2. A dog doesn't notice if you call them by another dogs name.

3. A dog wont bitch if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. A dog will comply when you raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. A dog never complains when you come home drunk, they are just happy to see you!!.

8. Dogs are always excited when you decide to go hunting.....

9. A dog will never wake you up in the middle of the night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. When a dog has babies, you can put up an ad and give them away if you want...

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar and a leash on it, without calling you a pervert.

12. Dogs don't know how to use your credit card....

13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad,,, they just find it interesting.

And a personal favorite,

14. Dogs prefer to ride on the back of the ute…. They can yap away all they want back there.....

And last, but not least…,

15. If a dog decides to run off , it won't take half of your stuff in the process!!.

If you think otherwise, test the theory…….

Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for a couple of days without food and water, then open it and see who's happy to see you.

[darwindingo]

A blokes wife goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do, every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a solution for that, when your husband comes home drunk just take a mouthful of soft drink and start swishing it in your mouth, what ever you do just keep swishing and swishing and don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I just swished the soft dink in my mouth, I swished and swished until he went to bed just like you said, and he didn't lay a hand on me!"

The Doctor said "So do you see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

....

[darwindingo]

A bloke staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, covered in bruises and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened?.

"Well, it was like this" said the bloke. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, then on a difficult hole we both sliced our balls into a paddock full of cows. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?", asked the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail, pointed and yelled to my wife, "Hey! This looks like yours!"

[taffy4x4]

Although we've been married nearly 30 years I recently bought my wife a pair of crotch less knickers, not for the reason you're thinking, it's so she can grip the broomstick better.

[darwindingo]

Although we've been married nearly 30 years I recently bought my wife a pair of crotch less knickers, not for the reason you're thinking, it's so she can grip the broomstick better.

[taffy4x4]

The leader of the Greens walks into a bar with an ugly, sore infested, pus weeping toad on his head, what the hell's that shouts the barman, I dunno says the toad, it started off as a wart on my bum

[Die Judicii]

Here is 15 reasons why I believe having dog is better than having a wife.!!!!!

1. The later home you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.

2. A dog doesn't notice if you call them by another dogs name.

3. A dog wont bitch if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. A dog will comply when you raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. A dog never complains when you come home drunk, they are just happy to see you!!.

8. Dogs are always excited when you decide to go hunting.....

9. A dog will never wake you up in the middle of the night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. When a dog has babies, you can put up an ad and give them away if you want...

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar and a leash on it, without calling you a pervert.

12. Dogs don't know how to use your credit card....

13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad,,, they just find it interesting.

And a personal favorite,

14. Dogs prefer to ride on the back of the ute…. They can yap away all they want back there.....

And last, but not least…,

15. If a dog decides to run off , it won't take half of your stuff in the process!!.

If you think otherwise, test the theory…….

Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for a couple of days without food and water, then open it and see who's happy to see you.

16 ) A dog doesn't tell tales,, like if you've been to the pub,, or another woman.

[BRNO_Bigot]

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him.

After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon, Leader of the Scottish Nationalists.

That evening, the man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Nicola batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him?

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

[BRNO_Bigot]

The Australian Taxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

ATO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

ATO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?

[darwindingo]

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him.

After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon, Leader of the Scottish Nationalists.

That evening, the man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Nicola batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him?

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'