Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 05 Nov 2017, 11:19 am

grandadbushy wrote:Has anybody heard of the oooo--me--doodle bird ?
Well its a bird with no legs and when it slids along to move around and it hits a rock it
screams out oooo-- me -- doodle


That's probably why we don't have any oooo--me--doodle birds here,,,,,, too many cactus !

Now that was a prick of a thing to say I guess.

:shock: :shock: :shock: :wtf:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 05 Nov 2017, 12:33 pm

Nah got the point
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 05 Nov 2017, 1:10 pm

grandadbushy wrote:Nah got the point


:lol:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 09 Nov 2017, 9:25 pm

A gay man is doing his weekly shopping, and is in the Butchers Shop.

He orders some pork chops,, pork sausages,, 3 slabs of sirloin steak,, 6 lamb chops,, and a small leg of lamb.

The butcher is busily fetching and wrapping the order, when the customer seemed to suddenly remember something else.
He says,,, "Oh, can I also have a stick of mild salami please ?"

Certainly said the butcher,,,, thick or thinly sliced ?

The customer said,,, "you silly man,, what do you think I am,, a vending machine ?"

:shock:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 11 Nov 2017, 10:47 am

The local wood cutter was invited by the Minister to have a game of golf with him.
So on Sat morning they arrive at the golf course and head out.
On the first swing of the day, the wood cutter (Ben) sliced it and finished up out in the rough.
Sh!t, you b@stard of a thing ,,,,, Ben said.

The minister scolded Ben for swearing, and said that the Good Lord can hear you swear.

That's ok said Ben,,,, it wasn't real bad swearing.

On the next green, Ben miss hit the ball terribly, and started swearing again.

The minister said, Ben,,,,, I must warn you that the Good Lord can hear everything, and he doesn't like people who swear.

Ben replied,,, Oh but I'm having a terrible game, and I think he would understand.

Further down the course Ben is still having a bad game,,,,, and still swearing.

Minister said, Ben,,,,,,,, if you keep this up, the Good Lord will strike you down.

Ben replied,,,,,,, Father I'm sure the Good Lord can understand how bad my golf is today.

Towards the end of the game Ben lets forth with a string of obscenities,,,,,,, and then there was a huge clap of thunder,,,,,,,,,
and a bolt of lightning shot down,,,,, hit the minister, and killed him stone dead.

Ben just stood there quivering with fear,, and then this loud voice was heard from the heavens that said,, F#CKING HELL,,, I hit the wrong one.
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 20 Nov 2017, 11:12 pm

Seth was having trouble with his bull.
It just suddenly lost interest in the cows and wasn't doing what it was supposed to.

He rang the old vet in town and asked if there was anything he could do.
The old vet came out the next day, examined the bull, and then said to Seth that it needed a tonic.
Then he went to his vehicle and came back with a large bottle full of pills.

He said,,,, "Give one of these crushed up in a bit of hay to him each morning, and he should come good."

A day later Seth couldn't believe his eyes,,,,,,,,, the bull was servicing all the cows again,, then jumped the fence and did the neighbors as well.

Several months later Seth rang the vets to ask for some more of the pills.
But the old vet had gone on holidays and was replaced by the vet from the next town.
This vet said "What was the name of the pills ?"

I don't know said Seth, the label came off and its gone.

The new vet said,,, "Well, can you describe the pills to me ?"

Certainly said Seth,,,,, They were yellow on one end, blue on the other end,,,,, and tasted a bit bitter.
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 23 Nov 2017, 8:19 pm

I GOT MY CONCEALED CARRY PERMIT YESTERDAY MORNING

In the afternoon, I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.
When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to my MP about how unnecessarily harsh the weapons compliance laws were becoming,
I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to
how I should place my credit card in the card reader!
As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it took me a while to get my pants back on.
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.
I still don't think I looked that bad! I just need to wear underwear more often.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 23 Nov 2017, 8:36 pm

An Irishman was drinking in a pub in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks... like I said my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."

Two weeks later the man returns to the pub. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?" "He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whiskey, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 24 Nov 2017, 2:27 am

Oldbloke wrote:I GOT MY CONCEALED CARRY PERMIT YESTERDAY MORNING

In the afternoon, I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.
When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to my MP about how unnecessarily harsh the weapons compliance laws were becoming,
I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to
how I should place my credit card in the card reader!
As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it took me a while to get my pants back on.
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.
I still don't think I looked that bad! I just need to wear underwear more often.


Bahhhhahhaahah that's a pissa OB :lol: :lol: :thumbsup:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 26 Nov 2017, 9:50 am

Oldbloke wrote:I GOT MY CONCEALED CARRY PERMIT YESTERDAY MORNING


Lol OB...Reminds me of this one...

On senior citizen's day out of the nursing home, Mavis is going to get her hair curled & set with the blue rinse, Rodney is going to the park with his grand kids, & ol Bill is going hunting...

Back at the nursing home having dinner, everyone asks ol Bill how his hunting trip went, he says
"yea went really well...shot my first turkey today, the turkey had no idea i was behind it, & it scared the living bejesus out of everyone in the frozen food section".
The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Heckler303 » 27 Nov 2017, 6:25 am

Some of these old people jokes are just cringey. Jeez.
If something doesn't work, apply rule .303!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 27 Nov 2017, 6:19 pm

My missus reckons it's a shame she lost her virginity

But at least she still has the box it came in!!! :drinks:
This hard living ain't as easy as it used to be!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 27 Nov 2017, 7:00 pm

:lol: :drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 27 Nov 2017, 7:04 pm

Daddybang wrote:My missus reckons it's a shame she lost her virginity

But at least she still has the box it came in!!! :drinks:


Even the Mrs grinned when she heard that one.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 05 Dec 2017, 7:36 pm

Three woman die and there souls are whisked away to meet St Peter at the Pearly Gates.

The first woman is greeted by St Peter and he asks her what she did during her life on earth.

She answers, well I was a doctor, I tendered to the sick and in-firmed.

That's wonderful said St Peter, Go over to that cloud over there and I'll be over soon with a harp for you.

The second woman is greeted by St Peter and he again asks her what she did during her life on earth.

She answers, I was a Nun, I served God and tended to the needy.

That's wonderful said St Peter, Go over to that cloud over there and I'll be over soon with a harp for you.

The third woman is greeted by St Peter and he again asks her what she did during her life on earth.

She answers, I was a Hooker, I serviced needy men.

Hmmm said St Peter, Go over to that cloud over there and I'll be over straight away with a horn.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 05 Dec 2017, 7:38 pm

A drover from a huge cattle station in the outback appeared before St Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you even done anything of particular merit?" St Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered.

"On a trip to Broken Hill, I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen."

"So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and slapped his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground."

"I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the sh!t out the lot of ya!'"

St Peter was impressed.

"When did this happen?" he asked.

"A couple of minutes ago," replied the drover.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 05 Dec 2017, 7:46 pm

A Tale of Two Crocs

Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley-Griffin in Canberra.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm... how do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the ****e out of them, and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the ****e out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an ashole and a briefcase.'
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bent Arrow » 01 Jan 2018, 3:37 pm

FB_IMG_1514784679145.jpg
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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 01 Jan 2018, 4:19 pm

Bent Arrow wrote:
FB_IMG_1514784679145.jpg


:lol: :lol: :lol: :drinks:
This hard living ain't as easy as it used to be!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gwion » 01 Jan 2018, 5:47 pm

^^^
Hahahahahaaha....
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Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 01 Jan 2018, 10:07 pm

Duck revenge...Thats pretty funny...!
The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 03 Jan 2018, 8:12 pm

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats."But, none of them comes up to the man touch his penis and say, "Good job."Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:1. Money cannot buy happiness but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the *******'s name.3. If you help someone when they're in trouble they will remember you when they're in trouble again.4. Alcohol does not solve any problems but then, neither does milk.AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE...5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BONUS RULE:Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 03 Jan 2018, 8:18 pm

Craig Thomson.JPG
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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 08 Jan 2018, 1:28 pm

My holiday
---------------

Just got back from a holiday in Thailand,
and came that close to shagging a ladyboy.

Looked like a woman, spoke like a woman,
walked like a woman and kissed like a woman.

It was only when she was driving me back to her place
and reverse parked into a narrow parking space with no problem, I thought .........

Just a f*cking minute ...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 08 Jan 2018, 9:03 pm

:Lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by sungazer » 08 Jan 2018, 9:45 pm

I thought you were recounting a true life experience there. Being in the jokes section I wondered where it would get to a joke or funny.
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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 09 Jan 2018, 9:15 pm

sungazer wrote:I thought you were recounting a true life experience there. Being in the jokes section I wondered where it would get to a joke or funny.


:lol: :drinks:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 09 Jan 2018, 9:40 pm

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldnt swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, Do you need help, sir?

The preacher calmly said No, God will save me.

A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, Hey, do you need help?

The preacher replied again, No God will save me.

Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, Why didnt you save me?

God replied, Fool, I sent you two boats!
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 09 Jan 2018, 9:42 pm

Condoms don`t guarantee safe sex anymore.

A bloke was wearing one when he was shot by the woman`s husband.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 09 Jan 2018, 9:45 pm

Sven and Ollie live in the same apartment building in identical flats. Sven visits Ollie and sees that he just painted his flat and it looks great.
He says, Ollie, this looks amazing. How many cans of paint did you buy? Ollie says he bought seven. ..
The next day Sven drives to the store, buys seven cans of paint and starts painting his flat.
After a few hours he finishes the whole thing but he realizes that he used only three cans of paint. He calls Ollie:
Hey man I...ve just finished painting the whole place, but Ive used only 3 cans of paint and I have 4 left!


Ollie: Yeah, me too.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
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