Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 16 Sep 2017, 6:41 pm

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer
negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price the sheerer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it
to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for
myself.'


She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.


The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
--
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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 16 Sep 2017, 6:43 pm

Gaznazdiak wrote:There are 10 kinds of people when it comes binary mathematics, those who understand it and those who don't.


There are II kinds of people, those who understand Roman numerals and those who don't.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 19 Sep 2017, 1:22 am

A young boy's budgie has died & is laying in the bottom of the cage...

Boy--"Dad whats wrong with my budgie...?"

Dad--"ah son, unfortunately the budgie has died"

Boy--"so why is it laying on its back with its legs in the air"

Dad--"err...uumm...well thats so the angels can pick it up & take it up to God in heaven"

Boy--"gee Dad, mummy nearly died the other day...!"

Dad--"what are you talking about son, your mum is fine"

Boy--"well dad the other day when i came home from school, mum was lying on the lounge floor with her legs in the air yelling 'oh God im coming im coming, & she might have died & gone to heaven if it wasnt for Mr Smith next door holding her down..."
The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 20 Sep 2017, 9:34 pm

Are your job interviews up to speed?

https://youtu.be/b56eAUCTLok
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Re: Jokes

Post by COLLECTOR 1 » 20 Sep 2017, 10:43 pm

And truely that's what it's like sometimes....hahahaha.....believe me

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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 21 Sep 2017, 9:03 am

A good dog!! :thumbsup:

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 21 Sep 2017, 9:13 am

:mrgreen:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 21 Sep 2017, 9:21 am

BRNO_Bigot wrote:
Gaznazdiak wrote:There are 10 kinds of people when it comes binary mathematics, those who understand it and those who don't.


There are II kinds of people, those who understand Roman numerals and those who don't.


I'll pay that
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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 21 Sep 2017, 11:15 am

I went to Dan Murphy's on my bicycle last Friday afternoon, bought a bottle of the Black Label Johnny Walker that was on special & carefully stowed it in the bicycle basket.


As I was about to leave, I thought to myself........ if I fell off the bicycle,

the bottle would break.

So I rested......& drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision,

because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 21 Sep 2017, 4:38 pm

BRNO_Bigot wrote:I went to Dan Murphy's on my bicycle last Friday afternoon, bought a bottle of the Black Label Johnny Walker that was on special & carefully stowed it in the bicycle basket.


As I was about to leave, I thought to myself........ if I fell off the bicycle,

the bottle would break.

So I rested......& drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision,

because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home!


It's easy to pick those that take the risk of NOT falling off,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
They are the ones with black tongues and bitumin breath.
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gwion » 22 Sep 2017, 2:54 pm

BRNO_Bigot wrote:I went to Dan Murphy's on my bicycle last Friday afternoon, bought a bottle of the Black Label Johnny Walker that was on special & carefully stowed it in the bicycle basket.


As I was about to leave, I thought to myself........ if I fell off the bicycle,

the bottle would break.

So I rested......& drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision,

because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home!


:lol:
Nice one, but the basket on your bike is a bit weird... Are you an 11yo girl??? :P :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 22 Sep 2017, 3:06 pm

Gwion wrote:
BRNO_Bigot wrote:I went to Dan Murphy's on my bicycle last Friday afternoon, bought a bottle of the Black Label Johnny Walker that was on special & carefully stowed it in the bicycle basket.


As I was about to leave, I thought to myself........ if I fell off the bicycle,

the bottle would break.

So I rested......& drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision,

because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home!


:lol:
Nice one, but the basket on your bike is a bit weird... Are you an 11yo girl??? :P :lol:



No, but I stole it from one ... :allegedly:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 23 Sep 2017, 2:38 pm

Little Billy was at school and his teacher asked him what would you like when you grow up maybe a house or a car or a bike ?
NAH Billy said just a G-string to wear
Teacher asks '' Just a G-string '' ?
YEP! Said Billy nothing else just a G-string
Teacher is a little bewildered and asks '' and why would that be '' ?
Little Billy replies ''Well my sister wears only that to collect the mail and she was given all those things by the nice men in my town
so why would I use my money to buy them ''?
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 23 Sep 2017, 7:37 pm

:mrgreen:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 23 Sep 2017, 9:12 pm

Two drunks are walking around Melbourne when one suddenly disappears down the subway. His mate walks around for a few hours and finally finds his mate coming up out of a subway. Where the hell have you been? asks the guy waiting on the street. Down in some guys cellar and you should see the train set he has.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Thom318 » 24 Sep 2017, 1:55 pm

What's the difference between a policeman's baton and a magician's wand?

The magician's wand is used for cunning stunts while the policeman's baton is used for stunning *blank*
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Re: Jokes

Post by shapeshifter » 24 Sep 2017, 5:38 pm

After making love to his missus one night... Harry rolls on his back and says: "I can see thats the best sex you had since we got married"

"Oh really, what makes you say that Harry?" His missus asked

"Each time I went in, your toes curled up!" He said proudly

"Harry, you didnt take my stockings off you idiot!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 26 Sep 2017, 2:03 pm

An old priest lay dying in Woden's, Canberra Hospital. He had served
the people near the nation's capital, at Manuka for many years.
He motioned for the nurse to come near.
"Yes father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Malcolm Turnbull and Bill Shorten before I
die" whispered the priest.
"I will see what I can do" said the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to parliament house and waited for a
response. Soon an answer came back: Both Malcolm Turnbull and Bill
Shorten would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they were driven to the hospital in Malcolm's new BMW, Turnbull
commented to Shorten, "I don't know why this old priest wants to see
us, but it certainly will help our images and may even help our
re-election prospects."
Shorten agreed it was probably a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room the priest took Turnbull's hand
in his right hand and Shorten's hand in his left hand.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Shorten spoke "Father of all people you could have chosen, why
did you chose us to be with you at this time when your end is so
near?"
The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life
and behaviour after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
"Amen" said Turnbull.
"Amen" replied Shorten.
The old priest continued, "Jesus Christ our saviour died between two
lying thieving bastards, and I wanted to do the same."
--
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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 26 Sep 2017, 6:15 pm

20170926_134603.jpeg
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:mrgreen:
This hard living ain't as easy as it used to be!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 26 Sep 2017, 10:27 pm

BRNO_Bigot wrote:An old priest lay dying in Woden's, Canberra Hospital. He had served
the people near the nation's capital, at Manuka for many years.
He motioned for the nurse to come near.
"Yes father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Malcolm Turnbull and Bill Shorten before I
die" whispered the priest.
"I will see what I can do" said the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to parliament house and waited for a
response. Soon an answer came back: Both Malcolm Turnbull and Bill
Shorten would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they were driven to the hospital in Malcolm's new BMW, Turnbull
commented to Shorten, "I don't know why this old priest wants to see
us, but it certainly will help our images and may even help our
re-election prospects."
Shorten agreed it was probably a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room the priest took Turnbull's hand
in his right hand and Shorten's hand in his left hand.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Shorten spoke "Father of all people you could have chosen, why
did you chose us to be with you at this time when your end is so
near?"
The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life
and behaviour after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
"Amen" said Turnbull.
"Amen" replied Shorten.
The old priest continued, "Jesus Christ our saviour died between two
lying thieving bastards, and I wanted to do the same."


GOLD,,,,,,,,,,, :thumbsup:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 30 Sep 2017, 12:54 am

A bloke takes his son out fishing.

Being a very curious young lad he asks his dad “what is it that makes a boat float?”

The father replies “I have know idea son.”

After a while the young lad asks “Dad, how the hell do fish breathe underwater !!?”

Again the father replies, “I have absolutely no idea son.”…..

Next he asks “Why does mum get so angry when you go have beers or go shooting with the boy’s dad?”

Again his father replied “I have no idea son”…

After a couple of minutes, the son said “Sorry dad, I hope you don’t mind me asking you all of these questions"...

The father replies "hell no, of course not son.. If you don't ask questions, you never learn NOTHING".

:lol:

:drinks:

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An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 04 Oct 2017, 9:24 am

What type of bees produce milk?.


BOOBIES!!!!!!! :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by JonBarskio » 04 Oct 2017, 3:59 pm

Daddybang wrote:What type of bees produce milk?.


BOOBIES!!!!!!! :lol:


Lol! This definitely made my day. :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 04 Oct 2017, 9:31 pm

Hey Daddybang there's a sea bird called a blue footed boobie does it give milk to ? ( LOL )
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 08 Oct 2017, 6:45 am

Five women were sitting in a room together not talking.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 08 Oct 2017, 8:16 am

grandadbushy wrote:Hey Daddybang there's a sea bird called a blue footed boobie does it give milk to ? ( LOL )


Is it a type of SWALLOW??? :drinks:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 08 Oct 2017, 1:38 pm

Yep could be one of the biggest SWALLOWS you'll ever see
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Re: Jokes

Post by JonBarskio » 09 Oct 2017, 3:31 pm

A woman got on a bus, holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
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Re: Jokes

Post by JonBarskio » 09 Oct 2017, 3:33 pm

Cop on a horse says to a little girl on a bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 09 Oct 2017, 3:36 pm

JonBarskio wrote:Cop on a horse says to a little girl on a bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :drinks:
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