Jokes

General conversation and chit chat - The place for non-shooting specific topics. Introduce yourself here.

Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 23 Oct 2017, 2:26 pm

In a train from London to Manchester, an Aussie was having a chat with the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman looks over his glasses and replied,
"How very sporting of your mother!"
--
It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny
day that you realise how often they burst into flames.
User avatar
BRNO_Bigot
Lance Corporal
Lance Corporal
 
Posts: 224
Australian Capital Territory

Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 23 Oct 2017, 3:23 pm

So, it would seem I've woken a proper poet.

Good one OB :thumbsup:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
User avatar
Die Judicii
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3706
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by Supaduke » 23 Oct 2017, 3:52 pm

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
.
.

.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Supaduke
Warrant Officer C2
Warrant Officer C2
 
Posts: 1230
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 23 Oct 2017, 8:46 pm

MalleeFarmer wrote:
darwindingo wrote:
WOF.JPG



I'll bet your first thought wasn't, Luck Be In The Air Tonight... :lol:



:drinks:


Better Dingo? A :drinks: :thumbsup:


Yep that's better :lol:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
User avatar
darwindingo
Sergeant
Sergeant
 
Posts: 596
-

Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 23 Oct 2017, 8:57 pm

Did you know there is a difference between oral and rectal thermometers?
v
v
v
v

v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v

One tastes better than the other.... ;)

:drinks:
Last edited by darwindingo on 23 Oct 2017, 9:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
User avatar
darwindingo
Sergeant
Sergeant
 
Posts: 596
-

Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 23 Oct 2017, 9:02 pm

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool....



































So I gave him a glass of water.


:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
User avatar
darwindingo
Sergeant
Sergeant
 
Posts: 596
-

Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 23 Oct 2017, 9:07 pm

A recent study has found that a woman who carry''s a little extra weight, will live longer than the men who mention it.

:drinks:
Last edited by darwindingo on 23 Oct 2017, 9:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
User avatar
darwindingo
Sergeant
Sergeant
 
Posts: 596
-

Re: Jokes

Post by MalleeFarmer » 23 Oct 2017, 9:07 pm

darwindingo wrote:Did you know there is a difference between oral and rectal thermometers?
v
v
v
One tastes better than the other.... ;)

:drinks:



:oops: :lol:
"Agriculture is our wisest pursuit, because it will in the end contribute most to real wealth, good morals and happiness." Thomas Jefferson
User avatar
MalleeFarmer
Sergeant
Sergeant
 
Posts: 627
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 23 Oct 2017, 9:28 pm

I think I,ve started the perfect business, I'm selling homing pigeon's for $100 ea

v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v

I only have one, but so far I have sold it over 20 times....

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
User avatar
darwindingo
Sergeant
Sergeant
 
Posts: 596
-

Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 23 Oct 2017, 9:41 pm

My mate Steve was getting a divorce and at the court appearance to finalise it, the judge told Him "Steve, I'm giving your wife $400 per month maintenance."

Steve replied "Well that’s very kind of you your honor and every now and then, I'll even try to chip in a few bucks myself."….

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
User avatar
darwindingo
Sergeant
Sergeant
 
Posts: 596
-

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 24 Oct 2017, 3:00 am

zz.PNG
zz.PNG (342.97 KiB) Viewed 5657 times
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 01 Nov 2017, 11:42 pm

A cattle station owner had sent one of his employees into town to get supplies, and also some badly needed fencing wire.
All loaded up, the young employee headed out of town and back to the station.

The manager was carrying on with the job at hand, when his phone rang.
He answered,,,,,,,,, it was the young fella on his way back.

Hello said the manager,,,,,,,
Young fella says, "Hey boss,,, I just hit a pig,, what should I do ?"

Manager: Is the ute damaged ?

Young fella: Only a bent mudguard boss.

Manager: Well why are you ringing me,,, get on your way back to the station.

Young fella: Well,,,,,,,,,, its a bit of a problem cos the pig is stuck under the ute,,,,,, and he aint dead,,,,,,, he's snarling and I'm frightened of him.

Manager: Is the .308 in behind the seats ?

Young fella: Yes boss,,, it's there.

Manager: Well stop being stupid,,,,, get it out and shoot the bloody thing.

After a while the manager heard a shot, and then the young fella comes back on the phone.

Young fella: Alright boss,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I shot him,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, but what should I do with his motorbike ???
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
User avatar
Die Judicii
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3706
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 02 Nov 2017, 1:57 am

Well fark me, I didn't see that one coming DJ..... :lol:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
User avatar
darwindingo
Sergeant
Sergeant
 
Posts: 596
-

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 02 Nov 2017, 6:20 pm

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.



I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."


No one moved.


The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."


Again, all was quiet.


Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."


The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 04 Nov 2017, 7:45 pm

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of
250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the
British".

One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the
following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern
Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported
that he found absolutely bugger-all.
Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already
gone wireless..."

Makes me feel bloody proud to be Australian!
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 04 Nov 2017, 8:09 pm

You do know how copper wire was invented hey
.>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
two scotsmen fighting over a penny
Member-Deleted
 

Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 04 Nov 2017, 10:39 pm

grandadbushy wrote:You do know how copper wire was invented hey
.>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
two scotsmen fighting over a penny


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Unlike Noisy spittin coffee all over his keyboard,,,,,, I nearly spat some high end scotch over mine.,,,,,,,,,,,, :lol:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
User avatar
Die Judicii
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3706
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 04 Nov 2017, 11:22 pm

Has anybody heard of the oooo--me--doodle bird ?
Well its a bird with no legs and when it slids along to move around and it hits a rock it
screams out oooo-- me -- doodle
Member-Deleted
 

Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 05 Nov 2017, 11:19 am

grandadbushy wrote:Has anybody heard of the oooo--me--doodle bird ?
Well its a bird with no legs and when it slids along to move around and it hits a rock it
screams out oooo-- me -- doodle


That's probably why we don't have any oooo--me--doodle birds here,,,,,, too many cactus !

Now that was a prick of a thing to say I guess.

:shock: :shock: :shock: :wtf:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
User avatar
Die Judicii
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3706
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 05 Nov 2017, 12:33 pm

Nah got the point
Member-Deleted
 

Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 05 Nov 2017, 1:10 pm

grandadbushy wrote:Nah got the point


:lol:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
User avatar
Die Judicii
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3706
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 09 Nov 2017, 9:25 pm

A gay man is doing his weekly shopping, and is in the Butchers Shop.

He orders some pork chops,, pork sausages,, 3 slabs of sirloin steak,, 6 lamb chops,, and a small leg of lamb.

The butcher is busily fetching and wrapping the order, when the customer seemed to suddenly remember something else.
He says,,, "Oh, can I also have a stick of mild salami please ?"

Certainly said the butcher,,,, thick or thinly sliced ?

The customer said,,, "you silly man,, what do you think I am,, a vending machine ?"

:shock:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
User avatar
Die Judicii
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3706
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 11 Nov 2017, 10:47 am

The local wood cutter was invited by the Minister to have a game of golf with him.
So on Sat morning they arrive at the golf course and head out.
On the first swing of the day, the wood cutter (Ben) sliced it and finished up out in the rough.
Sh!t, you b@stard of a thing ,,,,, Ben said.

The minister scolded Ben for swearing, and said that the Good Lord can hear you swear.

That's ok said Ben,,,, it wasn't real bad swearing.

On the next green, Ben miss hit the ball terribly, and started swearing again.

The minister said, Ben,,,,, I must warn you that the Good Lord can hear everything, and he doesn't like people who swear.

Ben replied,,, Oh but I'm having a terrible game, and I think he would understand.

Further down the course Ben is still having a bad game,,,,, and still swearing.

Minister said, Ben,,,,,,,, if you keep this up, the Good Lord will strike you down.

Ben replied,,,,,,, Father I'm sure the Good Lord can understand how bad my golf is today.

Towards the end of the game Ben lets forth with a string of obscenities,,,,,,, and then there was a huge clap of thunder,,,,,,,,,
and a bolt of lightning shot down,,,,, hit the minister, and killed him stone dead.

Ben just stood there quivering with fear,, and then this loud voice was heard from the heavens that said,, F#CKING HELL,,, I hit the wrong one.
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
User avatar
Die Judicii
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3706
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 20 Nov 2017, 11:12 pm

Seth was having trouble with his bull.
It just suddenly lost interest in the cows and wasn't doing what it was supposed to.

He rang the old vet in town and asked if there was anything he could do.
The old vet came out the next day, examined the bull, and then said to Seth that it needed a tonic.
Then he went to his vehicle and came back with a large bottle full of pills.

He said,,,, "Give one of these crushed up in a bit of hay to him each morning, and he should come good."

A day later Seth couldn't believe his eyes,,,,,,,,, the bull was servicing all the cows again,, then jumped the fence and did the neighbors as well.

Several months later Seth rang the vets to ask for some more of the pills.
But the old vet had gone on holidays and was replaced by the vet from the next town.
This vet said "What was the name of the pills ?"

I don't know said Seth, the label came off and its gone.

The new vet said,,, "Well, can you describe the pills to me ?"

Certainly said Seth,,,,, They were yellow on one end, blue on the other end,,,,, and tasted a bit bitter.
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
User avatar
Die Judicii
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3706
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 23 Nov 2017, 8:19 pm

I GOT MY CONCEALED CARRY PERMIT YESTERDAY MORNING

In the afternoon, I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.
When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to my MP about how unnecessarily harsh the weapons compliance laws were becoming,
I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to
how I should place my credit card in the card reader!
As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it took me a while to get my pants back on.
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.
I still don't think I looked that bad! I just need to wear underwear more often.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 23 Nov 2017, 8:36 pm

An Irishman was drinking in a pub in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks... like I said my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."

Two weeks later the man returns to the pub. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?" "He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whiskey, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 24 Nov 2017, 2:27 am

Oldbloke wrote:I GOT MY CONCEALED CARRY PERMIT YESTERDAY MORNING

In the afternoon, I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.
When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to my MP about how unnecessarily harsh the weapons compliance laws were becoming,
I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to
how I should place my credit card in the card reader!
As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it took me a while to get my pants back on.
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.
I still don't think I looked that bad! I just need to wear underwear more often.


Bahhhhahhaahah that's a pissa OB :lol: :lol: :thumbsup:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
User avatar
darwindingo
Sergeant
Sergeant
 
Posts: 596
-

Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 26 Nov 2017, 9:50 am

Oldbloke wrote:I GOT MY CONCEALED CARRY PERMIT YESTERDAY MORNING


Lol OB...Reminds me of this one...

On senior citizen's day out of the nursing home, Mavis is going to get her hair curled & set with the blue rinse, Rodney is going to the park with his grand kids, & ol Bill is going hunting...

Back at the nursing home having dinner, everyone asks ol Bill how his hunting trip went, he says
"yea went really well...shot my first turkey today, the turkey had no idea i was behind it, & it scared the living bejesus out of everyone in the frozen food section".
The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
Stix
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3675
South Australia

Re: Jokes

Post by Heckler303 » 27 Nov 2017, 6:25 am

Some of these old people jokes are just cringey. Jeez.
If something doesn't work, apply rule .303!
Title_II wrote:If you carry a fun in Australia you will go to jail.
User avatar
Heckler303
Staff Sergeant
Staff Sergeant
 
Posts: 824
Tasmania

Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 27 Nov 2017, 6:19 pm

My missus reckons it's a shame she lost her virginity

But at least she still has the box it came in!!! :drinks:
This hard living ain't as easy as it used to be!!!
Daddybang
Second Lieutenant
Second Lieutenant
 
Posts: 2012
Queensland

PreviousNext

Back to top
 
Return to Off topic - General conversation